I don't want to move out

LegacyUser

I am a 25 year old male and I am graduating from college this year. The thing is, I am the eldest of a large family, my father had heart surgery last year and my mother has a bad back injury that keeps her at home, she is a nurse who is out on leave as a result. My two younger brothers are on the autism spectrum. My two younger sisters are in college, one is also living at home and the other is studying abroad for a year in Spain. (just for the record I have lived and worked away from home, I was living abroad for a year)

But the thing is. I am not sure what to do once I am finished college. There are people my age and younger who are living away from home and a lot prefer it.

But the thing with me is, I love my family so much, I know we will not all be together forever, I know my parents will not always be around. I'm afraid of the day when my family, which has always been so close will change the day that happens. I want to spend as much time as I can with my family because I love them so much because I know they will not always be there and that is why I do not want to move out.

Is this normal? Should I be moving out anyway? I am confused and don't know what to do! Somebody please give me some advice.

Brego888

You'll need to fly the coup at some stage but given the circumstances your family are in I can't see any harm at all in living at home at the minute.
I'd have a plan or a deadline in the back of my mind though, like once your parents are back on their feet you should think about getting back out on your own again.

And when you do you can still see your family as much as you want assuming you'll be living close by. Not to sound harsh but you won't want to become some sort of long term live in carer for your family. You're too young for that. You clearly care a lot for them but rest assured you'll still be able to do a lot while living under a roof of your own.

amtc

I didn't leave home until I was 30. My cousin the same - yet others in the family left really quickly....I loved getting to know my parents as adults....each to their own.

Stavro Mueller

Brego888 wrote: »

You'll need to fly the coup at some stage but given the circumstances your family are in I can't see any harm at all in living at home at the minute.
I'd have a plan or a deadline in the back of my mind though, like once your parents are back on their feet you should think about getting back out on your own again.

I agree with this. Realistically, you should've flown the nest by now. Don't use the circumstances at home as a justification for staying put. If you feel you must stay for now, do as this poster has suggested and set a deadline.

Reading between the lines here, you're hoping people will tell you that you should stay put and it'll be grand. It will suit your parents and it'll be an easy way out for you. I believe you should move out though. While moving out of home for the first time (I'm assuming that you never moved out) is a wrench, it is the best thing that any young person can do. You can't develop properly as an adult if you're living under your parent's roof. I don't think you understand this point in the same way as those of us who have long since left home.

Brego888 wrote: »

And when you do you can still see your family as much as you want assuming you'll be living close by. Not to sound harsh but you won't want to become some sort of long term live in carer for your family. You're too young for that. You clearly care a lot for them but rest assured you'll still be able to do a lot while living under a roof of your own.

^^This. I have seen this happen more than once. Be very careful of this. It's great that you love your family but do you really think you love them any more than your peers who live away from home?

Incidentally, have you thought about what you're going to do if you get a job? Are you willing to move if you have to? I'm only surmising here of course but perhaps this issue may be taken out of your hands altogether if you find you have to move in order to get a job.

tbh

You only get one life, you have to live it to suit yourself. If you're happy living at home and you don't feel like you want to move out, then don't move out.

It sounds like your family wouldn't begrudge you staying at home and anyway you might find that once you're working you will feel differently about it.

If I was your mam I'd love for you to live at home as long as you want, you sound like a really sound person and its nice to hear how much you value your family.

It's a personal choice when a person leaves home, there's no right or wrong age, and if it works well for you then why not enjoy being with your famil

Lorna123

It is so nice to hear someone actually say that they love their family so much. Stay at home for as long as you like OP, things will change in the future that you have no control over so for the time being enjoy.

OCorcrainn

cymbaline wrote: »

I agree with this. Realistically, you should've flown the nest by now. Don't use the circumstances at home as a justification for staying put. If you feel you must stay for now, do as this poster has suggested and set a deadline.

Reading between the lines here, you're hoping people will tell you that you should stay put and it'll be grand. It will suit your parents and it'll be an easy way out for you. I believe you should move out though. While moving out of home for the first time (I'm assuming that you never moved out) is a wrench, it is the best thing that any young person can do. You can't develop properly as an adult if you're living under your parent's roof. I don't think you understand this point in the same way as those of us who have long since left home.



^^This. I have seen this happen more than once. Be very careful of this. It's great that you love your family but do you really think you love them any more than your peers who live away from home?

Incidentally, have you thought about what you're going to do if you get a job? Are you willing to move if you have to? I'm only surmising here of course but perhaps this issue may be taken out of your hands altogether if you find you have to move in order to get a job.

The OP said that she/he has lived and worked abroad away from home.

jdsk2006

Op have you considered that maybe one less person in the house would eleviate some pressure off your parents??? Not saying you would expect to be fed,watered and clothed but your being there does add to the daily grind for your parents.......
Also it's an essential part of growing up, your thinking about stepping backwards which is the part I'm confused about

Stavro Mueller

Whoops. For some reason I missed the bit about you having lived abroad when I read your post :o

My point still stands though. I still think you should be moving out. It's great that you care about your family so much and you want to help. But you can't live your life through your family.

The poster above me put their finger on it - your wanting to step backwards isn't something that will benefit you long term. You are running a very real risk of being sucked into home because of the situation.

LegacyUser

It is time for you to grow up and move on. I love my family and I want to stay at home forever is showing us you don't want to grow up.
Your at end of one stage of your life and you don't know what is happening next or where you will be so you think living at home will make this easier.

After going to college you should be looking forward to leaving home, finding a place to live and getting your first proper paycheck and not thinking that I can stay home with my parents for another few years.
I would agree with the other post here that leaving home is part of growing up and also with - You are running a very real risk of being sucked into home because of the situation.

Also you have to consider that the job market is bad so to get work you can't think I can live at home and a job will come up down the road in a few months. You need to be prepared to leave home to get on the job ladder. Also you may need to consider that you may have to leave Ireland to get work. At 25 you have no ties so it is easy to do this.

Catkins407

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about moving out. If your not a burden on your family there is no reason to move out . I think you will know when the time is right to go . Don't be pressured into leaving. If you and your family are happy for you to stay then do. Your still young. Take the time you need

fussyonion

I agree..it's lovely to hear you want to stay at home.

I personally cannot understand parents who are dying for their kids to fly the nest.

I feel like you in a way...OK so I don't live at home BUT I see my parents all the time and I feel really close to them.

I adore spending time with them and I, too, fear for the day when one of them.........well, y'know
What I would say is..don't feel afraid to move out...maybe nearby?
You can have some independence but you can see your family as often as you like.

Everyone needs their own space but if you lived nearby, you could pop in as often as you liked

Best of luck and fair play to you for being so family orientated...I bet your parents love having you around

ongarboy

fussyonion wrote: »

Best of luck and fair play to you for being so family orientated...I bet your parents love having you around

I'm not sure staying at home implies you are more family oriented than those that leave home at 17/18. All my family left home for different counties or countries from aged 17 (initially for university as none were local and after that just to experience life in other places) and I think we are closer as a family as a result of our distances. Holidays, weddings, Christmas even long weekends etc are far more significant as they turn into mini reunions and there is a novelty effect of having not seen each other in quite a while. Absence makes us fonder of eachother - we'd probably kill each other if we were all still living together.:D

OP - if you feel you need to be at home right now, that there is nothing wrong with that. If you feel you should move out just because you feel embarrassed to be still living at home at 25, then you shouldn't be. Loads of 30somethings who have been earning good wages for years still live at home. You seem to be barely starting out having just finished college so it's understandable you may not have finances in order to afford to move out yet. Most college kids who studied away from home find that transition much easier as they've already been living away for years. It's possibly harder for those who went to college in their hometowns.

Personally, I think when someone has established themselves financially for a couple of years and can well afford to rent and they have no specific caring obligations for a dependant family member, then I think that is an appropriate time to move out. Staying home just because it's handier is not a good enough excuse imo. Most adults, I would think, would enjoy the liberty of being able to bring anyone they like home to their apartment, house etc or have their own timetable ( not having to ring to say they won't be home for dinner). Even if your parents were tolerant of all that, it's still more liberating conducting your life in your own space. However, each to their own, but don't let fear stop you from moving out. It's an exciting world out there!

Cunning Stunt

I don't understand the posts telling the OP to move out? Surely if he is happy living in his family home and they are happy with him there, it shouldn't matter how long he lives there? If he had kids with someone who was depending on him, then it might be wiser that he get his own place with them, but if the OP has no dependants, then what's the harm in him living at home? My younger brother, also the OPs age, still lives with my parents and they are delighted to have him there. He gives a hand around the house and he is security for them in the night time, now that they are that bit older.
OP if you want to stay in your family home then you do just that and enjoy the time you have with them.

OCorcrainn

I think the fact that you have said it has revealed you probably do intend on doing so in your own time when you are ready, your family supports that from what I tell regarding what you have said.

Just wait for when the conditions are right for you; finished college, steady income, family is in better health, etc.

Then you can move out.