Found out my husband is cheating

LegacyUser

Background info, after dating for 8 years, got married 7 years ago. Been together since college. Have had ups and downs, husband complains of not enough sex and no oral sex, went through a phase of fighting a lot but it stopped and we've just sort of co existed, happily i thought. Picked up his phone when i saw a message from his best friend pop up and saw the first line of "yeah you were righ, she is an amazing girl, gorgeous too, never seen you look so happy"....went through his phone briefly and found he has been texting a girl about a million times a day, plenty of sex texts, miss you texts, meeting up and love you's, etc

Some photos of them together (she is very beautiful and would imagine looks about ten years younger) and a mini sex video where he displays a passion he has never had with me.

Initial feeling was betrayal and anger, now i feel exhausted, so many questions. But i can notice he has been happier lately, much happier, he has been much easier to get on with and i thought it was because he had decided to stop fighting with me all the time but now i wonder is it because of her.

The texts with his friend look like this girl and he have known each other a long while and got involved when they couldn't stay apart any more. Also indicates that he has cheated a fair bit before and she didn't know he was married when they met. And that he never introduced his friend to previous flings before bu this one is the real deal.

I am kind of thinking of ignoring it. We have a nice life, no kids, and he has been so much easier to get on with lately, but then again i feel angry and betrayed.

Advice very very welcome

JaneeMack

Leave him, you deserve to be treated better

Hannibal Smith

You're married and whatever part of your sex life he was unhappy with he owes you more respect and loyalty than to treat you like this.

Its good that you don't feel like going down the bitter woman scorned route, but equally to not care so much that you wish to ignore it and continue regardless with your marriage isn't good for you or your self esteem.

Let him go and find support from you family and friends.

stargazer 68

cheatinghusband wrote: »

I am kind of thinking of ignoring it. We have a nice life, no kids, and he has been so much easier to get on with lately, but then again i feel angry and betrayed.

Really??? Well OP horses for courses I guess but I couldn't live with the thought that my husband was sleeping with someone else and all his (and your friends) knowing about it and telling him he looks much happier!! Seriously?? He would be out of there like a shot.

You deserve much better than that OP.

ElleEm

I am sorry to hear this, OP.

If your marriage vows included sharing him with other women, would you have taken them?

To be honest, your relationship doesn't sound like much. You said yourself that you just "co- exist". You deserve to be happy and have someone to love you. The fact is, that you may be biding your time with him. He is in a relationship with someone else- she has met his friends and he loves her. What's to say he won't pack up in the morning and move in with her?

You should really just leave him. Your relationship clearly wasn't working, and the only reason it seems to be now is cos he has a girlfriend. He has disrespected you in the biggest way, especially introducing her (and mistresses prior to her) to his friends. He clearly cares very little for you.

I am sorry x

judgefudge

Sorry to hear that OP. to be fair though... You're thinking of saying nothing to have an easy life? Do you even love the guy?

What happens if he takes off some day with her?

Honey-ec

Frankly the OP and her husband deserve to be happy, and it sounds like neither of them were in the marriage.

OP, your husband told you he was unhappy and by the sounds of things, you chose to ignore it. Did you ever try to address the concerns about your sex life? Go to counselling? If you listened to his complaints and then dismissed them, then I personally don't really blame him for looking elsewhere. Yes, he should have insisted on counselling and yes, he should have ended the marriage before he took up with this other woman, but the fact is, it takes two people to make a marriage work and the fact that you don't even seem that pushed that he's having an affair indicates to me that you don't particularly care about your marriage.

I think you should both go your separate ways, tbh. You sound almost relieved that this woman has stopped him nagging you for sex and you can just coast now. That's not right.

Merkin

I don't see one single reason why you'd choose to stay together. :eek: You refer to the relationship as co-existing which in effect means you are housemates. Rather than have him sneak around and you being so meh about it all, why don't you decide to separate so he can make a fresh start with this woman he has fallen in love with and you too can hopefully find happiness in the future.

Why on earth would you stay with him?

Hannibal Smith

Honey-ec wrote: »

Frankly the OP and her husband deserve to be happy, and it sounds like neither of them were in the marriage.

OP, your husband told you he was unhappy and by the sounds of things, you chose to ignore it. Did you ever try to address the concerns about your sex life? Go to counselling? If you listened to his complaints and then dismissed them, then I personally don't really blame him for looking elsewhere. Yes, he should have insisted on counselling and yes, he should have ended the marriage before he took up with this other woman, but the fact is, it takes two people to make a marriage work and the fact that you don't even seem that pushed that he's having an affair indicates to me that you don't particularly care about your marriage.

I think you should both go your separate ways, tbh. You sound almost relieved that this woman has stopped him nagging you for sex and you can just coast now. That's not right.

There was no need to cheat to the extent friends knew about the affair before the OP. No one deserves to be made a fool of like that. Nothing gives you the right to cheat and nothing excuses it. The husband is equally happy to coast through a marriage where he lives with one woman but sleeping with another? that's bang out of order.

Little Acorn

Maybe he just really trusted that you wouldn't go through his phone, but I find it hard to believe that he would take the risk of leaving his phone with you that contained not only text messages with another woman, but also pictures and a frickin sex video!

I'm not sure but (depending on the circumstances in which you had possession of his phone) it almost seems like maybe he wants you to find out and to finish the relationship because he is too gutless to do it himself?

I think you should leave him. He has disrespected you enough already by doing all this behind your back, so I think to retain your dignity you should be the one to end this farce of a relationship and walk away.

I won't for a second condone his actions because I think affairs are despicable, but I would suggest in the future to maybe find a partner who you are more sexually compatible with, or else be willing to talk more about problems and work through them together.

I still don't think him cheating is your fault though. He should have just left if he was that unhappy, no need for all the deceitfulness and betrayal. At least count yourself lucky that you have no kids to him.

I don't know how you can even consider staying with him. He is not only cheating on you with some other woman, but he actually parading his other bit around in front of his friends to show them how great she is. He must not have an ounce of respect for you to make such a mockery of you behind your back. Please leave him and retain some self respect.

ManOfMystery

I agree with a lot of what's been posted above.

Your husband carrying on an affair behind your back (with his friends knowledge!) is obviously very wrong; it's a major betrayal, and if his reason for doing so is simply a physical one because of issues with your sex life together, then it's a very poor reaction. There are numerous other ways to resolve the situation without having an affair. And if his reason for doing so is both physical and emotional, then it's even more unsettling for you.

However, your reaction to the affair also sounds out of place. Most people would be livid; hugely emotional; angry/depressed/resentful and so on. You sound like it doesn't really bother you that much if it somehow facilitates a more easygoing day-to-day relationship between you and your husband. I don't like to say this isn't a 'normal' reaction (after all, what's 'normal'? Everyone reacts differently) ................... but don't you think you should feel a little bit more annoyed about it? What does this tell you?

To be honest, it sounds like neither of you are that invested in the marriage. He doesn't care enough to be loyal, and you don't care enough to stop him. Perhaps you've settled into a mundane & routine way of life and just exist together more as friends than lovers? Perhaps it's time to consider that you may have outgrown each other after many years together and both of you may be happier going separate ways.

You have no kids together, and thus you are the only people who would be directly affected by ending things. And I assume from details in your post that you're both in the mid 30s age range, so you are more than young enough to meet someone else who you may have more of a spark and passion with. It's up to you to decide whether it's worth the effort of trying to salvage your relationship and fix things, or is it simply time to let go and move on.

stargazer 68

OP I didnt spot the bit that you have no children until now. Why on earth are you staying with this man?? He is sleeping with another woman, telling his friends about it, telling her he loves and make videos with her. And you think its okay to let him get on with it as it gives you an easier life??

ABajaninCork

You know what I think? I think the marriage is over. You both know it, but are scared to make the move. In some ways I don't blame you. It's a huge step to take with all sorts of implications.

I also think your old man wanted to be caught. The old chestnut of leaving the phone lying around with all sorts of incriminating evidence is a pretext giving you the opportunity to end the marriage. What else could it be? NOBODY could be that stupid!!

At the same time, he's making a right mug of you. If his friends know about the 'outside woman', then I'd bet that they also know about your (lack of) sex life. I would be mortified!!

You need to put your big girl's pants on now, OP. You need to have a chat with him. Decide what you want, and then DO IT.

Life's too short to go on living the way you are. You BOTH deserve to have some happiness.

movingsucks

He could be planning on leaving you for her anyway , do you really want to wait around and see if that happens?
Confront him, tell him you know and then if you both really want your marriage to work you can discuss and work through it.

Katgurl

I'm so sorry op what a terrible thing to find. I also am puzzled by your reaction and am wondering if you are in shock. After all, your life was quite simple and stress free, now you are being forced to throw the whole thing into upheaval.

But sadly, we can't always control outside factors affecting us. I agree with the others, it sounds like your marriage is over. There doesn't seem to be any real connection there, you should cut him loose.

I think it will be hard and scary but you will come out the other side feeling a new woman. Existing is not living. You deserve to be happy too.

Tell him you know and ask him to leave.

Best of luck.

Lorna123

I think I would consider myself very lucky that you don't have children together because this makes it a bit easier to deal with. If it were me I would get my head around it first and make arrangements to leave him. I think I would only say something to him when everything is in place and you are ready to go. I don't think I would bother to tell him you found his phone. I would just walk out and leave him wondering. Of course you would have to go to your solicitor to get any legal documents signed, and if you have a house to sell. I would just do all of that without telling him you saw his phone. You have the knowledge now that you need, you don't have to fill him in.

ManOfMystery

On that note OP, it may be worth trying to get a copy of the photos/videos/texts off his phone. I appreciate it's not a very nice thing to have to do, but if you DO go down the route of separating (if that's what you want) then there may be legal ramifications and you may need some solid ground to stand on in terms of your reasoning behind the separation.

Hopefully that won't be the case, but I think it would be wise and prudent at this stage to take some pre-emptive action and plan for the worst. It will be easier for you to procure proof of his cheating now than down the line, if/when it's out in the open.

discus

He's happy, you're happy, what exactly is the problem?

ABajaninCork

discus wrote: »

He's happy, you're happy, what exactly is the problem?

Erm. The OP THOUGHT they were happy. Hubbykins was NOT. Therein lies the problem...

CaraMay

Op I'd start protecting myself if I were you. You might be happy to let him stay but, by the sounds of it, he nay not want to stay for much longer... Sorry

Catphish

cheatinghusband wrote: »

I am kind of thinking of ignoring it. We have a nice life, no kids, and he has been so much easier to get on with lately

Turning the blind eye is not going to end well, for either your self esteem, happiness, or sanity.

but then again i feel angry and betrayed.

Who wouldn't? Though, as others have mentioned before me, it sounds like this marriage is like a ghost ship in the sea, merely existing. The intimacy issues should have been addressed a long time ago with professional help if you couldn't sort it between you. It sounds like the whole thing has just run its course, and you're just willing to keep him on so you won't be alone. Well it's a false sense of security, what are you going to do if / when he leaves you for her?

You're going to have to accept this is over, tell him you know and tell him you're through. You're only prolonging your own pain the longer you allow this to go on.

Stavro Mueller

cheatinghusband wrote: »

...
The texts with his friend look like this girl and he have known each other a long while and got involved when they couldn't stay apart any more. Also indicates that he has cheated a fair bit before and she didn't know he was married when they met. And that he never introduced his friend to previous flings before but this one is the real deal.

I am kind of thinking of ignoring it. We have a nice life, no kids, and he has been so much easier to get on with lately, but then again i feel angry and betrayed.

Advice very very welcome

So in other words you want to bury your head in the sand and hope things stay the same? Sorry to burst your bubble here but that choice may be taken right out of your hand. Have you given any thought to what might happen if your husband and his girlfriend decide to make things more "official"?

dr ro

This sounds too weird to be legit. He leaves his phone lying around unguarded with so much incriminating evidence on it AND an app that forces new texts to open automatically! sounds very fishy. Do you own your house jointly. Is he working on an exit strategy?
I'd understand your reaction if you had kids and were trying to protect them, but what's keeping you there? How is your life nice? as you describe it. And how can you sit with him without thinking that he'd possibly rather be with her?

Sleepy

Honestly OP, the only reason I can think of for you not wanting to leave this marriage is a pretty ugly one: that you're with him for the "nice life" that he's primarily responsible for providing? If that's the case I'd presume he's didn't ended the marriage prior to embarking on this affair for the fear of you taking him to the cleaners in a divorce?

Your husband telling you that your sex life was unfulfilling wasn't "complaining" or "nagging": it was comunicating to you that a fundamental part of your relationship wasn't working and that you needed to address that as a couple.

While cheating is never justifiable, there's a lot of truth to the old adage that if a man isn't getting the sex he desires within his marriage he'll look elsewhere. Not all men of course and it's as true of women as men in my experience but it's an expression from a time where gender was more defining of societal roles and actions.

It's too late for your marriage of course but for any future relationships you embark on: don't bother having a relationship with a anyone who you don't want to have sex with as much as they want it with you. If you see sex with someone as a chore, that person is a friend, not a lover or potential life partner.

Merkin

Brilliant post Sleepy. It never ceases to amaze me why one partner ends up confused and bewildered as to why a partner would stray when sex is being withheld at home. It's a normal and hugely enjoyable part of any loving relationship so to NOT have it is NOT normal and nobody should be expected to put up with enforced celibacy. I'm not condoning cheating either but it's hardly a surprise when it happens in a sexless relationship.

frank reynolds

i think, as outrageous advice as it may be, why not go out and look for someone else yourself? at least then you wont be the one left alone if he chooses to go off with the new girl.

keep shtum, and play your cards close to your chest on this one.

LegacyUser

Look, hard and all as it might be to accept, your marriage is over. Think about it like this, every second you spend in this shambolic situation is a second of your life thrown down the toilet. You've only got one life and one chance OP, do not spend a single minute "settling" and wasting it. You're not happy, he's not happy, so why not put every effort into getting out of it and getting yourself into a better position? Fcuk the "nice life" ya have, you can have a nice life with someone you actually wanna be with, or alone if that suits ya better, and you can become the person you wanna be, not just a person in the situation you're in.

It sounds like you were both somewhat to blame, obviously him more than you with regard to cheating etc., but try not to go down the bitter, spiteful break up route if at all possible. I'm not suggesting ya stay friends or even in contact with each other if neither of yous want it, but just get out of this situation and let it pass, moving onwards and upwards to the new and better life that's out there for ya, if you want it.

itsmichelle

OP this is not your fault. Your husband should have demanded marriage counselling or sex therapy if he was unhappy or he should have left before starting a new relationship with someone else.

However it sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time and no matter what happens now hes going to leave you for her so your best option is to start planning your escape now.

This is a good thing. You now have a chance to meet someone who you actually want to have sex with, who you have fun with, who makes you laugh and who doesnt fight with you every second day. You can have a REAL relationship based on love and trust and good communication.

That is what happened to your marriage. Poor communication. He talked about all the things he wanted to change, you did not listen. Im not saying this is your fault because I think an affair is never the answer-no matter how big the problems but you do need to learn to better communicate with your future partners and talk about issues that may or may not come up in the future and how you will deal with them together as a team.

Your partner should be your best friend. Most people dont stab their best friend in the back and they can talk about everything. Couples who can stab each other in the back like that dont even like each other so what is the point being together?

Look up the five stages of grief after infidelity. Right now you are probably in denial and not ready to deal with this but you have to. You cant stay in a fake marriage and live a lie being miserable everyday. And you need to take action. Either pack up his stuff and throw it outside and change the locks or pack your stuff and leave. Healing begins the day you get him out of your life.

You could have fixed all your problems a year ago before he had this affair if you both tried harder but its too late now. Your marriage is broken and its over. You need to accept that and focus on the next chapter in your life

itsmichelle

Merkin wrote: »

Brilliant post Sleepy. It never ceases to amaze me why one partner ends up confused and bewildered as to why a partner would stray when sex is being withheld at home. It's a normal and hugely enjoyable part of any loving relationship so to NOT have it is NOT normal and nobody should be expected to put up with enforced celibacy. I'm not condoning cheating either but it's hardly a surprise when it happens in a sexless relationship.

Believe it or not-there are other options. Marriage counselling, sex therapy, proper communication or just leave if you want to hop into bed with someone else. There is no excuse for cheating. Nothing justifies it.

A lack of sex in a relationship normally indictes bigger problems such as a lack of affection, too many arguments, stress, fights, feeling unloved, unwanted, undesirable, being criticized or put down etc or it could be a hormonal issue or medical problem and a trip to the doctors could fix it.

If there is something wrong-you try to fix it. You do everything you can to fix it before you give up and say "im leaving you because I am unhappy, goodbye"

An affair is never the answer.

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like at the moment that you have a marriage of convenience. And you know, if that's what you're both happy with, then nobody here can knock that.

You're not in a relationship anymore, you're housemates. You've drifted apart and neither of you are all that bothered at the thoughts of losing the other.

The thing that's keeping you together, is the hassle of breaking up. You are both happy (for now) to maintain the charade.

But what happens down the line? When they decide they are not happy to be 'part-time' any more? It sounds like if she gives him the ultimatum he will pick happiness with her, over coexisting with you.

And if he doesn't, it won't mean that he has come to his senses and wants to make a go of it with you. There are problems in your marriage. 2 people have to be committed to working on those problems for a marriage to survive. If either party 'just couldn't be arsed' then there is no point.

You don't want to be married to him. The fact that you seem happy to coexist and glad that he has 'stopped bothering you' about sex means that your marriage is over.

I think if he came home tonight and ended it with you, rather than be upset, you'd probably be relieved.

Nobody here should tell you to leave your marriage. Only yoy can come to that decision... But we can ask "why are you staying in it?"

A relationship needs intimacy and affection. Without that all you have is a friendship.

Do you want only a friendship (and one based on secrets and lies... You are both guilty of that) for the next 50 years??

itsmichelle

If your not prepared to leave yet then go and find your own bit on the side. The marriage is over anyway so you might as well have some fun.

You could join a dating site or something and start planning a date-then when he comes home and sees you all dolled up ready to go-you can tell him "I have a hot date tonight, see you later"

you can watch his jaw hit the floor lol

Do it just to wind the prick up and then ask him "when are you moving in with your whore"

like I said already OP. Just do something. Anything Doing nothing and pretending this problem does not exist is not healthy. Take action

strobe

itsmichelle wrote: »

If your not prepared to leave yet then go and find your own bit on the side. The marriage is over anyway so you might as well have some fun.

You could join a dating site or something and start planning a date-then when he comes home and sees you all dolled up ready to go-you can tell him "I have a hot date tonight, see you later"

you can watch his jaw hit the floor lol

Do it just to wind the prick up and then ask him "when are you moving in with your whore"

like I said already OP. Just do something. Anything Doing nothing and pretending this problem does not exist is not healthy. Take action

Also spit in his food and hide his favourite tie. That'll make you feel really really good! :rolleyes:

The marriage is pretty much over. Don't throw your dignity away with it by behaving like a petulant child.

Make a clean break and leave the two of you to be with someone you really want to be with and get on with the rest of your lives in happiness.

Emme

OP, your marriage is over. Your husband probably left his phone where he knew you would find it. My advice is get yourself legal advice as soon as possible because your husband may well file for divorce. Or perhaps he is leaving this to you. I think you are beyond getting marriage counselling at this stage and I don't think your husband would agree to it. He is too much involved with the other woman. The fact that his friends know about and say they have never seen him so happy speaks volumes.

Don't you deserve to be happy too? You won't be happy if you stay in the current situation.

You could :rolleyes: remain living together as housemates and turn a blind eye to his infidelity if you think the lifestyle you have with him is worth it. You wouldn't be the first woman to do that but it's a rotten way to live and isn't worth any of the trappings.

If I were in your shoes I would get legal advice and make the fact that your marriage is over official. If you need further explanation - divorce him.

desbrook

Emme wrote: »

OP, your marriage is over. Your husband probably left his phone where he knew you would find it. My advice is get yourself legal advice as soon as possible because your husband may well file for divorce. Or perhaps he is leaving this to you. I think you are beyond getting marriage counselling at this stage and I don't think your husband would agree to it. He is too much involved with the other woman. The fact that his friends know about and say they have never seen him so happy speaks volumes.

Don't you deserve to be happy too? You won't be happy if you stay in the current situation.

You could :rolleyes: remain living together as housemates and turn a blind eye to his infidelity if you think the lifestyle you have with him is worth it. You wouldn't be the first woman to do that but it's a rotten way to live and isn't worth any of the trappings.

If I were in your shoes I would get legal advice and make the fact that your marriage is over official. If you need further explanation - divorce him.

In this country you can't simply "file for divorce " - you have to be separated for four of the last five years and the OP and her husband haven't even separated yet . Making your separation legally recognised IS
a useful thing to do though . If nothing else it sets a clear date for the clock to tick from .

ManOfMystery wrote: »

On that note OP, it may be worth trying to get a copy of the photos/videos/texts off his phone. I appreciate it's not a very nice thing to have to do, but if you DO go down the route of separating (if that's what you want) then there may be legal ramifications and you may need some solid ground to stand on in terms of your reasoning behind the separation.

Hopefully that won't be the case, but I think it would be wise and prudent at this stage to take some pre-emptive action and plan for the worst. It will be easier for you to procure proof of his cheating now than down the line, if/when it's out in the open.

Ireland uses a "no fault" Separation/Divorce system . Adultery has no bearing on the share of property etc . The only thing it affects is your ability to apply for a Judicial Separation (court and very expensive ) immediately rather than wait a year . Very minor . The other form of separation (deed) is not affected by adultery and neither is divorce . Copying someone's texts and files etc and even listening to their voicemails without permission is not a good legal road to go down .

itsmichelle wrote: »

OP this is not your fault. Your husband should have demanded marriage counselling or sex therapy if he was unhappy or he should have left before starting a new relationship with someone else.

However it sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time and no matter what happens now hes going to leave you for her so your best option is to start planning your escape now.

This is a good thing. You now have a chance to meet someone who you actually want to have sex with, who you have fun with, who makes you laugh and who doesnt fight with you every second day. You can have a REAL relationship based on love and trust and good communication.

That is what happened to your marriage. Poor communication. He talked about all the things he wanted to change, you did not listen. Im not saying this is your fault because I think an affair is never the answer-no matter how big the problems but you do need to learn to better communicate with your future partners and talk about issues that may or may not come up in the future and how you will deal with them together as a team.

Your partner should be your best friend. Most people dont stab their best friend in the back and they can talk about everything. Couples who can stab each other in the back like that dont even like each other so what is the point being together?

Look up the five stages of grief after infidelity. Right now you are probably in denial and not ready to deal with this but you have to. You cant stay in a fake marriage and live a lie being miserable everyday. And you need to take action. Either pack up his stuff and throw it outside and change the locks or pack your stuff and leave. Healing begins the day you get him out of your life.

You could have fixed all your problems a year ago before he had this affair if you both tried harder but its too late now. Your marriage is broken and its over. You need to accept that and focus on the next chapter in your life

You can't "pack up his stuff and throw it outside and change the locks " . He can call the gaurds and demand re entry. In the absence of a court order you will be told it's still a family home and he has as much right to be there as you . Throwing his personal property outside may be seen as larceny (by you ) especially if someone inadvertantly takes it .

The matter of the house being in joint names was also raised OP .It is of no importance as you are married .

itsmichelle

I wouldnt care about the legal crap. Id still kick him out. Hes hardly gonna call the guards lol

ABajaninCork

Want a bet? If he wanted to be funny, he could do just that. If you fancy having your locks busted off and paying for a locksmith, then go right ahead. Only, if the OP goes down this path, it'll lead to a world of pain. Until matters are settled, then hubby can come and go as he pleases. Half the house would belong to him.

Syllabus

OP 3 weeks ago and no reply?????


I smell a troll

Ickle Magoo

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kathy2

Probably nuts be I would shower him with love and attention and text messages keep him really really busy way to busy for any nonsense. Make him the total star of the show, and then dump him unceremoniously!! Prick

Goody2Shoes77

ManOfMystery wrote: »

On that note OP, it may be worth trying to get a copy of the photos/videos/texts off his phone. I appreciate it's not a very nice thing to have to do, but if you DO go down the route of separating (if that's what you want) then there may be legal ramifications and you may need some solid ground to stand on in terms of your reasoning behind the separation.

Hopefully that won't be the case, but I think it would be wise and prudent at this stage to take some pre-emptive action and plan for the worst. It will be easier for you to procure proof of his cheating now than down the line, if/when it's out in the open.

I think that's a little unfair. Sounds like the marriage was essentially broken down prior to the OP finding out about her husband's affair. I really think it's a little playing dirty to bring infidelity into it as the reason for the marriage failing when it was not, by the sounds of it, a 'whole' marriage for the last however long it was since the couple were last intimate with each other. I dunno, just my feeling on it. It takes two to make a marriage work.

ManOfMystery

Goody2Shoes77 wrote: »

I think that's a little unfair. Sounds like the marriage was essentially broken down prior to the OP finding out about her husband's affair. I really think it's a little playing dirty to bring infidelity into it as the reason for the marriage failing when it was not, by the sounds of it, a 'whole' marriage for the last however long it was since the couple were last intimate with each other. I dunno, just my feeling on it. It takes two to make a marriage work.

Her husband is cheating, not her. She's not the one being 'unfair' - HE brought infidelity into it by betraying her instead of choosing to work on the marriage or go to counselling, or one of the numerous other options available to him.

I'm suggesting the OP do this purely for her own protection, not as some silly form of revenge.

Goody2Shoes77

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Her husband is cheating, not her. She's not the one being 'unfair' - HE brought infidelity into it by betraying her instead of choosing to work on the marriage or go to counselling, or one of the numerous other options available to him.

I'm suggesting the OP do this purely for her own protection, not as some silly form of revenge.

I realise that ManOfMystery and while I don't condone his cheating, some use lack of sex as justification (to themselves) for going elsewhere. We don't know whether or not counselling was an option for this couple, whether they considered it or sought it - unlikely though by the sounds of things.

LegacyUser

Just to say to the OP, I was in a very simliar situation, although we weren't married. It ended when I had had enough.

These are just a few ideas that may be useful, OP.

Protect yourself legally and emotionally. Although you may have resigned yourself to your husband's cheating, and may have accepted that your marriage is over, there's still going to be emotional fallout. Sort the practicalities before walking out (if that's what you choose to do). Make sure you have a good support system in your family and friends, and a place to stay, if you are leaving your home. Try not to be alone. Stay with a friend, or have a friend stay with you, if you are staying in your home. Seek legal advice before doing anything. Document whatever evidence you have of his cheating. This will be hard, but you need to do this so you don't get shafted later on.

Your life is going to change dramatically, and it's going to take a while before you adjust. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. I decided to do a bit of work on myself when I left, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship yet (nearly two years on) the inevitable hit to my self-esteem is beginning to subside. Finding your partner is cheating on you is a horrible experience, no matter what the state of your relationship. I really feel for you OP, and while it may seem like empty sentiment, time will heal. Remember that it was his decision to cheat, and it does not reflect on you as a person. Your marriage may have gone sour, but that does not excuse his behaviour. As cheesy as self-help may seem, some of it can be of some use. See a counsellor if you need to.

If you do leave, OP, reality might not hit for another few months. Keep yourself busy, but reach out for support further down the line if you need to. You may be so busy, initally, with practicalities that the emotional side doesn't hit. I actually found that a few months on, I was very much going through a grieving process after the initial elation of leaving. If you also experience this, know the stages, and remind yourself that things will improve.

Look after yourself OP, and take care x