Is my boyfriend being abusive?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I would appreciate all your opinions. I don't know if i'm over reacting but since having a baby 9 months ago my boyfriend has become a bit aggressive. He loses his temper very easily with me and gets very frustrated with the baby. He trows things. We were having a discussion and he was really irrated with me and kept calling me a liar. It was a stupid discussion about where I kept something in the kitchen (i was not lying) I was feeding the baby at the time and he flung a very large chocolate bar at us (the big ones) and it nearly hit my head. I was in shock but he said it was only chocolate and that he knew it wouldn't hit me.
Then if my son wets himself when changing nappy he will throw the wipes on the ground and get so annoyed that I take over. I don't want my child seeing this. Then he continues to slam stuff down.
The other night when we were in bed, he was annoyed at something I said so I tried to put my arm around him and say sorry. He grabbed my wrist it such force that I hurt for a few days but when I started crying (it really hurt) It said that I was a wimp.

I've been pushed and shouted at and told to go to my room. If we are having a discussion about something he doesn't like he will say this conversation is over and if i continue he will demand I go upstairs and stay upstairs until I have calmed down. I am not even angry just trying to express myself.

He is a great guy. I love him so much. A Brilliant father but he temper is getting more worse. He didn't have a temper when we met and he says the reason why he shouts is because I push him to do it.

Maybe I am that frustrating? I don't know.

CaraMay

He is not a great guy. He is a thug and a bully and it is your responsibility to get your baby away from him. It's only a matter of time til his behaviour escalates towards you and eventually towards your baby.

As I said, your job as a mother is to protect your baby and you are not doing that by staying with him.

Czarcasm

OP it's very rare threads in RI have a very simple answer, but on this one, it's very simple-

Your boyfriend is without question being abusive and controlling and has you brainwashed into thinking like this-

Ijustdunno wrote: »

He is a great guy. I love him so much. A Brilliant father but he temper is getting more worse. He didn't have a temper when we met and he says the reason why he shouts is because I push him to do it.

Maybe I am that frustrating? I don't know.

He's also abusive towards the child, so it's not just you OP, it's definitely your boyfriend, and if I were you, for yours and the child's own safety, I wouldn't allow him to continue in this manner.

The chances are somewhere between slim and none that your boyfriend will accept that his aggressive and controlling behaviour are causing problems within the relationship, even more likely that he will continue to heap the blame on you. Best off getting out of there now OP than allow him to continue to make you feel this way, because it will of course affect the child as it has done to you

username123

Ijustdunno wrote: »

He is a great guy. I love him so much. A Brilliant father but he temper is getting more worse. He didn't have a temper when we met and he says the reason why he shouts is because I push him to do it.

Maybe I am that frustrating? I don't know.

Sorry, but a great guy is someone who is supportive, who handles conflict in a mature manner, who doesnt become frustrated at a child during nappy changing, and who you are able to talk to.

Not someone who is physically and verbally aggressive, who actually uses violence against you, who treats you as though you are a child to be sent to your room and who pushes you and shouts at you.

I am sorry to say this, especially as you have a new baby, but you need to get out of this relationship.

Please tell someone in your life what is going on and please contact Womens Aid or similar for support and advice.

You dont want to stay in an environment that is dangerous for you and your child and you dont want your child growing up seeing you being treated like this.

ABajaninCork

Nah. He's not a great father if he can't even change the child's nappy without losing it.

He's not a great father if he's chucking large bars of chocolate at you both. And you know it's BS when he comes out with the line 'Ah shure, it was only chocolate, it wouldn't have hit you!' IT MIGHT'VE HIT THE BABY INSTEAD YOU MORON!!!

And it's BS when he says you push him to it. How the hell can it be your fault he has no self-control and no idea how to behave like a grown-up?

As as for being told to go to your room until you calm down? Fcuk that. I'd be telling him about himself.

You know what you need to do, OP. And it's not hanging on to this oxygen thief for dear life.

Meller

I think the responses are a bit extreme. He obviously has a big temper issue. Is he willing to get help about it? If he's not, then that is a huge problem. But give him a chance. Having a baby is difficult and we don't all have the same amounts of patience. His behaviour isn't acceptable at all, you need to do something about it, but obviously it's something you need to talk to him about first before just deciding to get rid of him! Talk to him directly, don't dance around the issue and stand your ground. He thinks he can avoid a difficult talk by just getting angry.

ABajaninCork

Meller wrote: »

I think the responses are a bit extreme. He obviously has a big temper issue. Is he willing to get help about it? If he's not, then that is a huge problem. But give him a chance. Having a baby is difficult and we don't all have the same amounts of patience. His behaviour isn't acceptable at all, you need to do something about it, but obviously it's something you need to talk to him about first before just deciding to get rid of him! Talk to him directly, don't dance around the issue and stand your ground. He thinks he can avoid a difficult talk by just getting angry.

With respect, I disagree. You yourself say the BF has a temper issue. How long do you think it'll be before the situation escalates?

The OP's partner has also shown himself unwilling to talk about it, ordering her to her room like a naughty child.

TBH, I can't see the situation improving at all. OP might be better off throwing him out. Only then, might the situation change. Perhaps it might give him the shock he needs to fix his issues. But given the arrogance shown by the BF, I doubt it.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone thanks for advice.

I really don't feel it's that serious as he would never hurt the baby.
I think he is just finding it very hard with the workload of being a dad..
Our son loves him to bits by the way.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he says his really overtired and that's why he loses his temper.

tinkerbell

OP, your boyfriend is an an abusive good-for-nothing idiot. Your responsibility is for yourself and your baby - you both need to be safe. Your boyfriend is NOT a great guy and certainly not a great father. He physically and mentally abuses you. The reason why he shouts is because he is an ***hole, not because "you push him to it". Seriously OP, you don't live him. You love the guy he used to be, the guy who did not lose his temper with you. This is who he is now. He is not good for you and not the baby. Don't leave it til it's too late and he has seriously injured you or your baby. Leave him now. Contact Women's Aid, contact your family and get out of this awful situation.

Stavro Mueller

The only chance a person like this has of changing his ways is if he acknowledges there is a problem and seeks help. I'm not seeing the signs of this here I'm afraid.

thefeatheredcat

Has he talked before about having a child, or knowing how to look after one, or shared worries about looking after a baby? Nobody comes pre programmed knowing how to cope with a baby, perhaps rather than sharing he doesn't know what to do he is getting angry at himself, but taking it out on you and the baby for not being able to cope with looking after a baby?

An abusive person saying you push them to do it is the oldest line in the book of abuse. Even if someone is able to push your buttons, get under your skin or annoy you, it is the sole responsibility of the individual how they react to it. Again and again the justification for a person hitting someone, being verbally or physically abusive is "they made me do it" by something they said, didn't say, did or didn't do but taking zero responsibility for their own behaviour.

His issues are causing his behaviour, it is not you, or something you are doing or not doing or that the baby is doing or not doing. It is his own issues that are causing it. He called you a wimp because he hurt your wrist? That's not particularly caring, or loving, that is again putting the blame on you saying " well you're only sore or injured because you're a wimp, not because I hurt you, accidentally or deliberately"

If it's not possible to have an open discussion with him for any reason I think you should take on board advise offered of refuge. You absolutely must put your baby and your safety first as what you have described could escalate and do damage to you and your baby, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically and could in time erode your happiness and self esteem.

ivytwine

I'm sorry but get out. Your son will grow up seeing all this and think it's an acceptable way to treat women. By staying with this man, you will mess up your child.

This guy is a thug and a bully and you are better off alone.

ABajaninCork

Ijustdunno wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks for advice.

I really don't feel it's that serious as he would never hurt the baby.
I think he is just finding it very hard with the workload of being a dad..
Our son loves him to bits by the way.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he says his really overtired and that's why he loses his temper.

I'm not being funny OP, if you don't feel it's that serious, then why did you post?

He gets angry, throws things at you and the baby, has been physically and emotionally abusive, and you're making excuses for him. Parenting doesn't come with a manual, it is true, but lots of people cope without taking it out on you and the baby.

Is he working? How much actual help does he give you with the baby??

You can make another effort to talk to him. Wait until the baby's gone to bed, then lay it all out for him. Try to remain calm. Write down what you want to say beforehand, if it'll help. Tell him to get help for his anger. Tell him this behaviour will no longer be tolerated for your son's sake as well as your own. Ask him if he feels he's setting the best example for the boy. Tell him if things don't improve then he needs to go.

From what you've told us, I'm not sure it's gonna work as he's not the listening kind. I'd love to be proved wrong though.

Chara1001

OP think very hard, you know you're not convinced by his excuses because you're on boards asking for advice.

A new baby, however stressful, does not excuse mistreatment or violence from one parent to the other. You say his temper is getting worse and its 'your fault for pushing him to it', well what happens if the baby pushes him next time? Will you accept this excuse then?

The truth is i was in EXACTLY your position. I had a baby of a week or so old before i left my abusive partner. The hardest decision of my life but i havent looked back. At least you could ask him to leave for a few weeks, so you can think about whats happened and decide what you need to do, or maybe family you could stay with for a while? I don't know if you would rather see if you could salvage things, but it looks to me as though a line has been crossed

shinesun

Get out now. It will only get worse. Be prepared for the hearts and flowers period where they promise it won't happen again. It does whether it be a few weeks,months, years...

I know I would never stand for that behaviour again.
He does not respect you in the way you deserve to be respected.
They don't change OP.

Merkin

Your partner needs to seek help for his anger issues immediately. If he refuses to, I would leave him and take my baby with me. Domestic violence and abuse normally starts with shouting and loss of temper which then escalates. He has now started throwing things and pushing you so it has escalated. And it will escalate further. Next thing it will be a smack across the jaw or he will shake your little baby son and could potentially cause serious harm. It is your duty as a mother (and you owe it to yourself also) to protect both of you. A little nine month old bubba can't stand up to a violent bully whereas you can. I'd show him this post and get a referral from his GP as a matter of urgency. I'd also go and stay with your Mum for the time being. Oh, and he's far from being a "great" guy by the way.

sReq | uTeK

Ijustdunno wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks for advice.

I really don't feel it's that serious as he would never hurt the baby.
I think he is just finding it very hard with the workload of being a dad..
Our son loves him to bits by the way.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he says his really overtired and that's why he loses his temper.

Honestly......it's this sort of nativity that lets young children end up in ICU or worse, the grave......listen to yourself for gods sake.

I tell you one thing, I have a 5 month old son, I'm 27, if i EVER threw as much as a feather at the two of them my missus would have me out the door with nothing to do with me, and you know what she would be right.

How long until he loses it with he baby, what if you're not there and he gets in a temper throws the nappy and leaves baby unattended? what happens if he just loses it altogether.

Sure fatherhood can be stressful, I've a full time job, I take our baby off mum when i come in until bed time and then I do the night feeds too, and I tell you what I would NEVER react to her or baby the way your man is, he has issues.

You have 1 scenario IMO get out now if you value yours and your baby's health, alternatively you can seek counseling or behavior management course but judging by the sounds of him, that won't go down to well..

stargazer 68

Op please listen to the people giving you good advice! He is a bully and you thinking he won't hurt the baby is not good enough.

A friend of mine said that over and over again until one day her husband threw a knife at her. It hit her in the leg - the baby was standing beside her so it could have easily hit her. It was at that point that she copped on, picked up the baby and walked out. Dont leave it until something like that happens.

eviltwin

Op I work with victims of domestic abuse, nearly all the stories start off like yours, great guy, a bit moody and aggressive. It quickly escalates into shoving, pushing and then before you know it, a regular slap now and then. Then its a cycle of running to a refuge, going to hospital etc etc. Its no life.

You deserve better, your child deserves better. Even if your partner never lays a finger on your child, he or she is still growing up in that environment and that is not healthy. Do you want your child to see this as normal?

Please talk to someone. You can get a Safety Order if you feel that might help, you can have one even if you don't live together as you have a child together.

Get out if you can and work on building up your confidence and self esteem. People accept the love they think they deserve, please see that you deserve much better than this. Don't become a statistic.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. After a discussion, he has now moved out until he can get control over his angry. Hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs. It's peaceful here!
Thanks for all the advice.

Chara1001

Well done OP

Take as much time as you need and the very best of luck

ABajaninCork

Well done OP, and good luck to you and your baba!

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, shouting, shoving, and throwing things at you is abuse. Fair enough there has been a drastic change in your circumstances since the baby arrived, but his behavior is absolutely not acceptable, and he should be aware of that. Find out if he is willing to get help for his anger issues, and if he is assure him you will stand by him as like as you are sure of the safety of you AND your child.

Queen-Mise

Ijustdunno wrote: »

A Brilliant father but he temper is getting more worse. He didn't have a temper when we met and he says the reason why he shouts is because I push him to do it.

The bit I highlighted is the difference between someone with anger issues and classic abuse (marital, for all purposes). He is not responsible for his actions because you & baby are driving him too it, therefore it is all your fault, & none of his own. This is obviously faulty logic, his actions, reactions, etc. are his responsibility.
And blaming you is a classic part of the that process.

The first thing that happens in an abusive relationship is the abuser starts knocking the other person's confidence. This is happening here already, you don't trust what you are saying, and doubting everything.

Talk to women's aid, or look at them online. Start taking some steps to protect yourself and the baby.

bp

Good for you both - hopefully him agreeing to move out means he knows on some level that he is doing something wrong.

Good luck and keep safe

Pippy1976

Well done OP. I'm so relieved to read your last post.

Just because you're not turning up to a hospital battered and bruised does NOT mean that your partner isn't abusive. He is.

Hopefully you and your little family are on the road to sorting everything out.

Best of luck.

Choccy7

I was in exactly the same position as you a few years ago OP. It started off exactly like that, got a hell of a lot worse and he said it was my fault! It got to a stage where I was genuinely fightened for my life, so I the hell out of there! You must look after you and your beautiful boy! Do not let him move back in until he has gotten at least a few months of professional help! No body can change in a matter of weeks, it takes a lot of time and please don't be taken as a fool. I hope it all works out for you. Best of luck!