How to shrug off a friend

LegacyUser

Hi,

There is this lad I've been friends with since school and college. Used to hang out together a lot, go on lads holidays as part of a larger group etc. I left college nearly four years ago but the truth is I think we've drifted apart. We've nothing in common any more, all our conversations are 'remember when...' and such, which I find really boring and uninteresting. In fact, I find even talking with the guy to be a real effort. Not to sound like a dickhead, but I enjoy a good conversation about real things, opinions, etc. When we talk its like we're occupying different planets. The standard of conversation is usually poor, and I'm visibly bored by them.

I've kept in touch with a lot of people from school and college over the years. In fact, most of the closest friends I have now are the closest friends I had when I was 18!

Me and this guy have always been part of the same circle. The only problem is that all the other lads from my group of mates have basically let him go, stopped responding to texts/emails all the rest (for the reasons I outline above)

I feel sorta responsible for him in a way, as he is a strange chap who has no real friends apart from his girlfriend (They seem to have a really weird relationship too by the way, but thats another story). He also has had family issues (terminal illness in the immediate family). Nearly every weekend he texts me asking to go drinking or whatever. When I do go out I usually have arranged it already with other people. Then he just sort of tags along and its a little awkward as he doesn't fit in at all really.

I know I could just be an asshole and cut him out completely, but I'd be leaving the guy completely friendless and he has got issues too. But to say I'm his 'friend' would be wrong - we've nothing in common, I don't enjoy his company, and he gets on my nerves. In fact the only thing holding this 'friendship' together is my sense of guilt about shrugging somebody off. I'm not the sort of guy who bitches about other lads either by the way, often I've overheard the lads talking about him in a negative way and I never join in, its not in my nature. Has anyone experienced something similar before, if so, please share your experiences.

oceancat

ya you do sound like a dickhead..give the bloke a chance, how do you think he his feeling when you and all your chums are talking bad about him but can't say it to him?

MAN UP AND TALK TO HIM IF HE IS BUGGING YOU THAT MUCH.

miamee

Maybe all his chat is 'remember when...' because he has nothing good going on in life right now and those were happy times he looks at fondly. You mentioned he has no other friends as they've all ditched him, a weird relationship with his gf and someone in his immediate family is dying. Give the guy a break, he isn't doing you any harm.

ladysarah

Get a balance. If he is draining your energy keep contact for just once a week but also show compassion. Be different from the other guys and be there for him. God knows life is short and he needs a friend. I had a friend similar to yr friend and I invite her along to things but I sometines have to switch off. very often people will disown him as it seems the cool thing to do but in fact it is not.

judgefudge

I can understand where you're coming from OP. it can be tough to feel responsible for someone because they have few friends. I understand he has some issues but he has a girlfriend and a family and it's not really your responsibility.

Is it possible to phase him out over time? Or have you tried that? If your other mates aren't mad on him it shouldn't be too hard to do. Just try to be less available for a while.

I agree with judgefudge OP. You don't have to put yourself through all this hassle for him just because you feel bad for him. He needs to take some responsibility for himself. Make yourself unavailable to him. Be busy half the time and then on other occasions just be honest and say "I don't fancy it tonight". He'll soon either get the message or eventually he'll want to talk about why you haven't been interested, in which case you can (politely and gently) be honest about just feeling like there's no real substance in the relationship.

There are certain obligations people come across in friendships, like having to attend particular events or being there for them when maybe we don't want to, but we do it for the sake of the person because we like/love them and they're worth it to us. But a friendship built solely on a feeling of obligation? It's unfair on you and extremely draining.

In the long run it might be better for him if he starts to run short of friends, because then maybe he'll start putting in an effort.

woodchuck

I think making yourself less available and phasing him out over time is probably the kindest thing to do if you don't want to keep this friendship going.

Alternatively when you do meet up could you suggest doing something other than just going out for drinks? If you're engaged in an actively there will be less conversation and then when you meet up again at least you'll have something new to talk about. Even something as simple as going to the cinema might do the job!

DoozerT6

true-or-false wrote: »

I agree with judgefudge OP. You don't have to put yourself through all this hassle for him just because you feel bad for him. He needs to take some responsibility for himself. Make yourself unavailable to him. Be busy half the time and then on other occasions just be honest and say "I don't fancy it tonight". He'll soon either get the message or eventually he'll want to talk about why you haven't been interested, in which case you can (politely and gently) be honest about just feeling like there's no real substance in the relationship.

There are certain obligations people come across in friendships, like having to attend particular events or being there for them when maybe we don't want to, but we do it for the sake of the person because we like/love them and they're worth it to us. But a friendship built solely on a feeling of obligation? It's unfair on you and extremely draining.

In the long run it might be better for him if he starts to run short of friends, because then maybe he'll start putting in an effort.

Good advice here. I feel some posters were a bit hard on you OP, but really, if you're not getting anything out of the friendship, it's time to let it go. You do sound like a decent fella for not just cutting him off though, but this sense of 'obligation' means that letting go of this guy is difficult.

Could you (during the course of a conversation) steer him in the direction of some group activity or sport he might enjoy? Suggest 'coupley' places he could take his girlfriend some weekend (weird relationship with her notwithstanding!). If you subtly try to steer him away from yourself and towards other people or groups he may have more in common with, maybe the problem may solve itself? Ideally one that meets at weekends Or if a family member of his is ill, perhaps suggest that he spend some time volunteering with a support organisation for this illness?

Another option (if you genuinely used to enjoy this guys company when ye had more in common) is to organise activities to do together (including your own group of friends) so that you actually DO have something to talk about when ye meet up! A weekend away with the lads, or paintballing, go-karting, stuff like that? Of course that is at your own discretion, if you would really rather not hang around with him anymore then you have already had some good advice here. Good luck!

LegacyUser

I can see where your coming from OP, it may be a dickheadish thing to do but its often for the sake of your own sanity. I had a similar situation with a friend. It was slightly different to your situation in that this chap had no concept of boundaries, he was becoming very intrusive and had no respect for personal boundaries. I gradually phased him, I still feel a bit guilty about it but it had to be done. Your friend doesn't sound quite as bad, maybe you could limit contact with him for a while and maybe meet up with him every few weeks or so, just to get a bit of breathing room. If you really cant deal with him anymore maybe just gradually phase him out.