Boyfriend's recklessness

LegacyUser

Hi, looking for some insightful advice.
I’m looking for impartial advice please. I’m in a relationship with a 16 year age difference. I’m in my twenties. We split for 6 months in the early stages but came back together in September as we realised we should really give it a go and wanted to be together.
My partner is in his 40s and has a well-paid professional career. He is quite senior in the company. Upon my initial meeting I was really surprised with the fact he had never married or settled down given his qualities. He’s very handsome; fun, interesting and really easy to talk to. I questioned his bachelor status when we got together properly. He was very honest in saying that he had gotten serious with people before but when it came to settling down he couldn’t do it. I respected the honesty and questioned what his intentions in our relationship were. He said in no uncertain terms that he wanted to be with me, get married and have children with me. I was a bit overwhelmed but didn’t carried away given the history. As the weeks and months have rolled on things have progressed. We are moving to his home 6 hours from where I currently live and 4 hours from his home. He has elderly family to care for and wants to be there to support them. I’ve had a tough year professionally and personally and am ready to change. I know (knew) I wanted to be with this man and am willing to sacrifice my friends etc to be with him and start a life together.
I’ve known him to have in the past dabbled in some drugs (the profession he is in would have had this aspect to their social lives). I thought that this was no longer the case. Anyway today I was trying to contact him about some things we need to organise for our future together. I had a deadline to meet to post a letter. I couldn’t contact him. Initially I was angry and then quickly started to panic.
We are 2 hours apart and I don’t know his friends numbers etc so I had no way of knowing he was ok.
I had to go to bed as I had such a bad feeling. Anyway waking up to no contact still I went online and he had emailed to say he was at a friends and could I get in touch. I rang and was initially happy he was safe.
Basically he’d gone out after work, gotten really hammered. Met an acquaintance of his and this person friends and brought them back (males and females). They’d done drugs and were hammered. He woke up this afternoon, his apartment had been trashed and phones, laptops money taken.
I’m sick to the bottom of my stomach. I feel really disrespected. I’ve asked him did anything happen with any of the women and he said 100% no. But if he was so out of his mind on drugs and drink how can I or he be sure????? I’m not sure I can trust his judgement.
I feel no sympathy for him whatsoever and it has really made him go down in my estimations.
I might add he has lost phones etc before on nights out but nothing quite as reckless as this?
How am I supposed to start a life with a man who can lose control like this? He ‘s in his forties also and is still behaving like this!
Can anyone offer any advice on how I should proceed? We’re supposed to be going away together soon. I don’t even want to now.

LegacyUser

Hmm...it sounds as if there might be an underlying clash of values and lifestyle which are fundamental aspects in building a sustainable relationship. Are you sure he's really ready and willing to settle down given his past reluctance to do so? Or maybe it was just similar to a stag party, one last final bash before finally settling down with the girl he'd been waiting to meet all his life. I still think I would be looking for some reassurance before committing to moving in together that this will not be a regular occurrence and that some lifestyle changes are neccessary when adjusting to a long-term relationship.

ABajaninCork

I think the writing was on the wall from Day One, if you ask me. You've hooked up with a guy in his 40's who's never married or had a serious relationship that's still behaving like a teenager. That's why he's fun, interesting and easy to talk to.

Anything else is a dead loss. It's not going to happen. Cut your losses and run before you get even more hurt. He's never going to change.

LegacyUser

Thank-you Loop. I think part of it might be him letting off steam before we settle down.

Abanjin, I completely see your point. As you put it I should just walk away. I've tried that before. If I hadn't been clear, he has had 3 long term relationships in the last 8 years. Each time it has come to commitment he has backed out of it. He has reassured me that it is different with me. Now the ball is rolling for us. We've met each other's families, friends and I've spent many of the last 6 months of weekends in his company. He's got a job and is in the process of sorting a home for us.

I don't however ever think I've been clear enough in my boundaries with him and perhaps I've just been too tolerant as to my expectations. The thing is we have never been as close as we are now. That's possibly what is most hurtful. The thing is when we're visiting his friends and their children he really enjoys it and has said that he can't wait for us to be that happy. At 28 he is my first and only love and I guess I'm reluctant to give up too easily.

Am I foolish not to end it?

LegacyUser

I would agree with the above post. A man in his 40's who's has never got married or had a serious relationship and that's still behaving like a teenager is not a good long term bet.
I am sure that his previous relationships ended over the way he is behaving.

You have every right to be upset with the way he is acting. At his age going out and getting drunk/stoned, then bring strangers back to his apartment who trash the apartment and rob things show up his total lack of maturity. He told you nothing happened with any woman he brought back to the apartment but if he was that drunk/stoned or both who knows what went on?

Perhaps this happened for a reason. You need to see this as a warning sign of that you need to end this so called relationship. I would not leave my friends or job for this man.
I know that you have had a tough year professionally and personally but don't stay with this man as he is just going to let you down further.

At this stage I would tell him that it is over between you.
Once you do this I would spend some time on your own and make plans of where you want your life to go in the next 12 or 18 months.

MissFlitworth

Has he done that often or is it just this once? People in their 40s don't lose their right to occasionally mess up, you don't start being immune to making mistakes. Yes he did it to himself & yes it was utterly stupid but if he's not in the habit of doing it (and maybe was blowing off some steam before he moves to change his life completely to start a life that partly revolves around looking after his elderly parents) then I'd be really very annoyed at that level of irresponsibility too but I'd try not make about me or my relationship unless it genuinely was.

If he regularly does that to himself then all if of I've just said is a load of old toss but if its a once off I'd take deep breathes and telling him he's a thick & then backing off and letting him sort it

dixiefly

It is not unknown for people in their forties that seem eligible to be now single after other relationships have not worked out. It is a little surprising that it is him that could not commit and that he is suddenly fully committed to you but it could be the case.

I don't think that you should finish it straight away but perhaps slow things down from your own perspective. Try and get a perspective from your friends and family who have met him and also can you get any vibes from his friends or family that you might trust?

Are you planning to move into his parents house to be with and care for them? That would be my biggest concern. You will not be getting a chance to develop a relationship with your partner and, almost certainly, you will be expected to help with the care of the parents. Remember your partner will be in a new job that is well paid etc and that may require a large time input. If he is not there will you be expected to take up the slack? You need to be certain that you are not being brought along partly for that reason.

I think that you should slow things up and not make a complete break from your current life. Lots of people move in gradually together, going to each others places for weekends etc. I know that the distance is massive but, outside of a decision either way, it might be your best option.

Best of luck, tough situation.

Ickle Magoo

I would be VERY careful about giving up your home, friends, current life, etc, if you are not 100% sure that's the right move to make.

I'd also be very wary of someone who claims he could never settle before but suddenly everything is different with you. I know a guy who says the same to every partner in the early days as he throws himself into the new and shiny at mach4 and they all end the same way.

I believe that people are compatible because of where they are in life and what they want out of life. If this is a once off then you could still be on the same page - but if this is something he likes indulging in now and again then that could signal some very different expectations and views on drugs & general socialising to name but a few.

Think if I were you I'd be moving much more slowly towards giving everything up to move 6hrs away somewhere that's for HIS benefit for someone that has caused you to rethink how you feel about him, whether he can be trusted and whether you actually want the same things in life.

All the best

CaraMay

Why did the two of you break up the last time?

I definitely would not be moving anywhere with him until he proves his committment. You are only back together 6 months.

I do see his singledom in a different light. Many men marry just to keep the peace and to conform. At least he has the gumption not to go down that road.

It's also telling that your first instinct was that he cheated. Why would you give up all for a man that you don't truly trust.?

LegacyUser

Miss Flitsworth thank- you for that insight.

He would not have done this regularly. I know he's had blow outs before we've been together. In the time I've known him I've known him to occasionally lose phones and jackets but hasn't to my knowledge had after parties such as this in his home. He has always said he no longer does drugs. One positive is that he at least answers me honestly when I question him.

He has just rung me. He has a business meeting in the home town about his new job tomorrow.

He is like a hung dog, remorseful and embarrassed. I had typed out an email which explained how I feel. I was able to tell him everything in no uncertain terms. Ultimately I let him know that he has put our whole relationship in jeopardy. That seems to have really shocked him and I outlined the reasons why quite clearly. He has taken everything on board and is sorry but I am struggling as how I can move forward and what if anything can be said? He has said that he wants to change and that nothing like this will ever happen again. It's just all so horrible:(

username123

You dont trust him, you dont agree with his lifestyle.

You are only 28, he is 16 years older than you yet he seems to have little sense while you have your head screwed on.

Im not sure if you mean something happening with the women that they may have been assaulted by the people who robbed the place or that he may have had sex with someone else - I read it the first way initially, but then fab lady indicates it meant cheating so Im not sure now. Either way, its not good that you suspect either of those things happening.

Seriously, why is a man in his 40s who never married or had a serious long term committed relationship (3 relationships in 8 years is having fun) still acting like a teenager and doing drugs etc?

I think he wont be happy to settle down and that you will be disappointed in your expectations of life with him.

Would you be happy to live with someone who could not be contacted from time to time because they were off their head on drugs?

thefeatheredcat

arianna263 wrote: »

I’ve known him to have in the past dabbled in some drugs (the profession he is in would have had this aspect to their social lives).

arianna263 wrote: »

Basically he’d gone out after work, gotten really hammered. Met an acquaintance of his and this person friends and brought them back (males and females). They’d done drugs and were hammered. He woke up this afternoon, his apartment had been trashed and phones, laptops money taken.

arianna263 wrote: »

but hasn't to my knowledge had after parties such as this in his home. He has always said he no longer does drugs.

OP drugs seems to be part and parcel of the job, or at least some aspect of it. It's been niggling at me all day but I haven't been able to put it into words until now..... is there some expectation, despite his senior role, to go along with either drinking or taking drugs with colleagues, clients or anything like that, even just after hours socially? Would there be some sort of expectation to show someone "a good time" or have a similar blow out as part of maintain business relationships where if he meets say Mr X of Company X he has to go along with a few drinks and whatever just to keep the business relationship without causing offence? Just because he hasn't had after parties in his own home, does not immediately assume he doesn't participate in after parties at someone else's house/apartment where the same drink or drugs is taken.

I think you can move forward from it and talk about it, he probably is capable of change; I think a proper chat is in order just to say like if he is intending on marrying and having kids with you that you can't be just left without a word from him and left to worry and by chance check your email while having to deal with the kids too, while he goes off and has his blow out and party with some acquaintance (who I hope he never trusts again).

Having his stuff stolen btw is fairly low of those people, chances are he may well learn from that and I hope would realise that you have to be careful about who you bring home or invite over, especially where children are concerned if something like that was to ever happen again.

desbrook

Forgive me if I'm over simplifying things but in my world you tolerate illegal drugs or you don't. In my case I don't - my gf is my world but drugs? - gone next day. If you want to accept them do but be warned - there's really no clear line between acceptable use and unacceptable .Either way the law if involved will always say the latter . Stand by your instinct which is disgust at this guy's true lifestyle /character. Age is not an issue here. Find yourself someone who you admire !

Fluorescence

I must confess I am somewhat confused as to why you are making this about you? If it was a once off, not in your home or risking your possessions, then why does it affect you? I get that it's reckless, utterly stupid behaviour, but I fail to see why it impacts your relationship when it isn't even a relatively frequent occurrence (although if you have a 0% tolerance for drug-use then that's fair enough).

Is it possible that you have doubts about the relationship - his commitment to you SO early on, and moving away from your whole life for his sake - and now you're using this as an excuse to step back and re-evaluate everything? Which is fine, by the way. It's natural to reassess every once in a while, especially before making such a huge leap.

That's my 2c anyway.