I dont know

nis888

Im 20 male, recently broke up with my girl of 3 years. I dunno how i feel about that. I think i want it. Right now im coming down off a drug called 2cb me and my friends spent the night and early morning doing it, felt like horse **** after it and thats because i am. I cant recall one good meaningful thing ive done for society or the world all i do is take take take and want more for myself and think about how i can improve my image to other people.

Thats the number one priority in my life. because thats how ****ed i am. The only person i feel in a totally normal comfortable relationship with is my mother. Everything else is just akward. I cant forge a decent pure relationship with anyone, co workers, a cashier, the milkman, the people i like to call my best friends. I feel that theres something about my demeanour or my style that everybody mutually understands and it prevents me from making any relationship progress with anyone. Maybe im just socially retarded. I hate it. I feel so alone.

I know i shouldnt even have the right to complain because hey look at my perfect first world life. Its not perfect. Sometimes i hate it and feel in utter darkness, the next day i can find the most simple things in life so beautiful. Ive cried many times simply because i became overcome with the beauty and intricacies of life.

Theres a new girl. We met in a club. We walked home drunk together from the club because we had no cab money and our friends had dissapeared. Since i met her the majority of my thinking time goes to her. Shes unbelievably cute. I fell so in love with her and still am. There is definetely a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I met up with her a few times afterwards. She toys with me i think. I've heard people say about her that she gets around and that makes my stomach turn. Slowly our texting relationship deteriorated. Like everything else does. She still hasnt replied to my last message. And she probably wont. I dunno what might seem attractive about me to a non drunk person. But the sun shines out of her eyes in my view. And i wish it didnt. I wish i wasnt so helplessly pathetically in love. Because the truth is i'll never have her. Ill always watch from a distance her having the time of her life and being flippantly happy. And that makes me wanna cry and cry and cry.

I dont think anyone ever really considers me to be anything important. Kinda like the 5 year old whos tagging along while the grown ups talk. Its soul destroying. All i want to know is what the **** is wrong with me and why am i different.

I like to think that someone up above has put these challenges in front of me and has a hand on my shoulder urging me on. But then again i just think maybe im just a worthless odd ball. Its all just chemical and biological reactions and im just a biological freak, not able to fit in because of whatever biological difference in my body or brain. And that, fills me with the scariest fear. That maybe i am just alone and in this biological evolutionary world and not meant to fit in.

My lust for image and approval has gone so far as to think if i kill myself at least then il be the talking point for a small bit of time. Il be interesting for a bit. Im just so tired of seeing people glance awkwardly at me.

Im sorry if this trainwreck of text was too much and if you gotten this far really really thank you for even making me part of your life for the last 2 minutes. Im not looking for sympathy or gonna make any empty threats. I know i wont kill myself now. I dont have the balls to because im a coward. But i can feel myself going down a slide. It seems much more a realistic possibility than it did six months ago. I just wanna talk. Thats all. With people where i dont have to put on a fake style and a fake illusion that life is perfect and we're all normal and theres no problems.

Czarcasm

OP you sound like you're being far too hard on yourself tbh and that combined with you being just out of a three year relationship, trying to get straight into another one, trying to find where you fit in with people, it seems to have left you feeling fairly confused, and I can't say I blame you tbh given what you've written down there.

Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel, and maybe the two of you could go see your GP who might be able to give you both some guidance on where to get some help to help you work through things in your own head, to help you get your head around things and get you back on track.

You sound like a bright guy, just things aren't going well for you at the moment, but with the right help from the right people, and trust me, people DO want to help you if you give them a chance and let them in, they'll help you to get yourself back in the game and help you become more focused on what you want from life and how to get there.

nis888

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP you sound like you're being far too hard on yourself tbh and that combined with you being just out of a three year relationship, trying to get straight into another one, trying to find where you fit in with people, it seems to have left you feeling fairly confused, and I can't say I blame you tbh given what you've written down there.

Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel, and maybe the two of you could go see your GP who might be able to give you both some guidance on where to get some help to help you work through things in your own head, to help you get your head around things and get you back on track.

You sound like a bright guy, just things aren't going well for you at the moment, but with the right help from the right people, and trust me, people DO want to help you if you give them a chance and let them in, they'll help you to get yourself back in the game and help you become more focused on what you want from life and how to get there.

Yeah I want to start talking to people especially my mother. I know she can sense stuff is wrong sometimes and it gets to her that i dont talk to her about it. I just get awkward when discussing myself.

I don't want to jump straight back into a relationship trust me i hate that i've quickly fallen for someone else. I know the new girl has no interest in being in a relationship with anyone. But i like everything about her. Its just damn hard and annoying and not what i need thrown into the mix right now.

Might sound like a stupid question but is a GP the place to go for stuff like this? I always thought it would have been some mental clinic or some phone line or something.

Another thing is my job. Im in a job the last six months and thats going fairly well and if i had to go away to hospital or some kinda rehab for a while to get my head straight im not sure if the job would still be there for me when i get back. But i dunno maybe if it comes to it i gotta just work out which is a higher priority.

Thanks for your reply really.

looksee

nis888 wrote: »

Im 20 male, recently broke up with my girl of 3 years. I dunno how i feel about that. I think i want it. Right now im coming down off a drug called 2cb me and my friends spent the night and early morning doing it, felt like horse **** after it and thats because i am. I cant recall one good meaningful thing ive done for society or the world all i do is take take take and want more for myself and think about how i can improve my image to other people.

Can you see any connection between the bolded sentence, and your current mood? I'm sure you can, or I think you would not have mentioned it. People drink alcohol and take other drugs in order to change their brain chemistry, sometimes it doesn't go entirely to plan and you end up feeling, as you say, like ****.

Sleep it off, rather than trying to deal with it now, then re-read your post tomorrow. If you still feel that it reflects how you really feel, then, yes, you need to get some help and your mother would possibly be the person to help you. But maybe you need to talk to a counsellor, and your gp would be the best person to direct you to a suitable person. Sooner or later though you will probably have to accept that drugs, alcohol or otherwise, are in fact destructive to your self-image.

LegacyUser

your health and wellbeing is more inportant than ur job please talk to your mam she will guide you in the right direction
the best of luck to you