I feel like vomiting

LegacyUser

I was on my girlfriends facebook profile, we both have each other's passwords, she knew I was on it but not what I was doing.
I checked her messages and saw a conversation with her ex from a good while ago. Of course me being a ****ing dumbass clicked into it.
We are both early twenties

I saw messages, a good few from her, talking about 'animal sex' they were going to have after getting back together after a previous break up, and other such things.

I told her what I'd seen and I don't know what to do.
I feel sick, I actually gagged when I saw some of them and feel like I need to vomit but can't and I've got the worst shakes I've ever had in my life. I don't think I'm going to be able to look at her the same ever again. Ended up going downstairs and beating the couch into ****e. I've never felt this disgusted in all my life. I knew they had been having sex but actually seeing those messages just turned my stomach and screwed with my mind.

Is there anything I can do to sort this out. I regret this like I've never regretted something before, if I could take it back I would do almost anything but I can't. I just want to get myself together and carry on with her but I don't know if I'm going to be able for it. I'm supposed to meet up with her tomorrow and I don't think I could look at her never mind talk to her or anything else

Anyone know of a good way to get this out of my head?

knucklehead6

Is this all from before she was with you?
As in, were the messages written before she started seeing you?

There is no good way to get this out of your head, you have to deal with it. If the messages are from before she met you then it's your actions have caused this, so you only have yourself to blame, so YOU have to deal with it.
If the messages were written since she has been with you that's a different story altogether.

trio

It sounds to me like it was messages sent during a previous time.

Tbh, it was a gross invasion of her privacy. I am married and would be very offended if my husband started reading my old correspondance without my permission. Its one thing to glance for the crack at someone's Timeline with their permission - quite another to go digging, which you did.

And then you lost the head? Went downstairs and went nuts on the furniture? The poor girl must have been left reeling.

You have to examine what exactly you are "disgusted" about. Because she had good sex in her past? Get a grip. This is coming off as some Madonna/Whore complex, tbh. Like you have tolerated her having sex with this guy in the past only because you hoped it was as vanilla and unsatisfying as possible.

Tbh, if this girl has any cop on, she should be seriously irritated by you right now. And yes, turned off.

LegacyUser

OP here.
I'll try and clarify some stuff, I was not in a good place writing that and I didn't really express myself well.

I'm not living with her.

I know it was an invasion of privacy. I admitted it and apologised to her straight away it was the first thing I did. I was hoping not to bring up what I'd read about (I had told her I read messages from her ex though) but I boiled over while on the phone to her and spilled it. I am in no way saying it was acceptable for me to read her messages, I should know better because I caught her reading my texts once and it felt horrible.

Similarly, I did know she had a sexual history. I didn't when we got together and she told me I wasn't her first. It kind of sucked for a little while but I got over it, it wasn't too big a deal at all. But we'd never discussed it in detail, nor did I want to.

Now I can't get these mental images out of my head. I keep hearing her say the words to the ex, and them going off riding. I just feel like **** and I can't stop thinking about it.
Also, I had a few realisations which I didn't write up here.

I now know that the circumstances we got together in were far different to how she told them. We had been chatting a good bit while they were still together. At one stage for a while she was on about breaking up with him and kept saying she really liked me. I now know that at the exact same time she was sending messages like this to him which doesn't feel great.

She also kept telling me she had been trying to dump him for me for ages but he was going through a rough patch so it wasn't a good time - I now know that he actually broke up with her a number of times and she begged him to get back together each time, whilst simultaneously lying to me saying she had tried dumping him but he was blackmailing her to get back together etc.

Additionally, I know she's been lying to me since we got together. We stopped talking after she ended up staying with her ex, and then a few months later he dumped her. She made contact with me saying it had been a few weeks since they broke up, I now know it was actually only 4 days. I have always been conscious that I was somewhat of a rebound for her but I never thought there was that short a gap.

She used to mention me to her ex when they were together to make him annoyed or jealous and now I think she simply got together with 2nd best (me) to try and get him back again.

So really I just feel like a pile of sh*t overall. I don't know what to do... I just wanted to talk to someone about it really. I've never felt the need to talk with someone so strongly before

HalloweenJack

From what you've explained in your second post, I'd be thinking of ending it altogether.

I was in a similar situation before which dragged on for years longer than I'd care to admit and it did none of the three of us any good.

It is very difficult but, imo, you should look at ending this relationship altogether and find a girl without so much baggage.

However, your situation might be different so I'd say think about all this stuff and how your relationship is and think about if things will be worth it.

knucklehead6

OP, you may as well get your head around the fact that the older you get, the more likely it is that people are going to have a history.

Ok, this girl did things with her ex that you don't like, she may have implied to you that they were broken up for longer than has transpired to be the case.

You feel the need to talk to someone, talk to her. She has to forgive you for the invasion of privacy, you have to forgive her for the lies.

If the 2 of you cannot get past those hurdles, then finish it.

Three Seasons

trio wrote: »

It sounds to me like it was messages sent during a previous time.

Tbh, it was a gross invasion of her privacy. I am married and would be very offended if my husband started reading my old correspondance without my permission. Its one thing to glance for the crack at someone's Timeline with their permission - quite another to go digging, which you did.

And then you lost the head? Went downstairs and went nuts on the furniture? The poor girl must have been left reeling.

You have to examine what exactly you are "disgusted" about. Because she had good sex in her past? Get a grip. This is coming off as some Madonna/Whore complex, tbh. Like you have tolerated her having sex with this guy in the past only because you hoped it was as vanilla and unsatisfying as possible.

Tbh, if this girl has any cop on, she should be seriously irritated by you right now. And yes, turned off.

He sounds like he knows it doesn't make sense, he can't help the feelings he has. He wants rid of them.

OP you have to accept that women like sex, you have to accept that they like sex with men other than you. It's the same for everyone.

Focus on your breath, relax, watch some fish swimming around a pond.

LegacyUser

Hey OP did you have an inkling that there was something to find out when you went looking through her private messages?

Going by your second post it sounds like this girl was engaged in trying to cover her bases, and you sound like the fallback option when it didn't work out between herself & the other guy.

Instead of getting angry about it, take a step back and evaluate the situation as calmly and rationally as possible. Does this info break the trust you have established with this girl? Can you forgive her for her duplicitousness at the beginning of yer relationship and put this episode behind ye?

The important question right here is whether or not she said them while you were together as a couple. If so, then there's something wrong. If not, then she's done absolutely nothing wrong.

You said you were disgusted by the things she's done - grand, but it isn't your place to judge what she is or isn't into, as long as it is within reason and (somewhat) legal. You're a grown adult and can just say you don't want to do those things, if it is ever raised.

Also are you sure that it is only 4 days between when they broke up and you? What makes you so sure? Thing is that it is entirely conceivable that they broke up a few weeks ago but kept continuing on chatting like that afterwards. Nothing wrong with it, as they were both single at the time.

It was entirely wrong for you to look at her Facebook profile and to me it seems like you logged on there with the intention of finding something - otherwise, why would you have in the first place?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, sometimes it happens when one relationship is ending another one is beginning. She might have been begging him to stay together, because at the time she thought that was what she wanted.

There may have been a lot of make-up break-up stuff going on. Which is very common at the end of relationships too.

She may have told you a different story to what actually happened, to save face. Or make herself feel better. Or make herself look better. Nobody likes to admit they were dumped and tried, unsuccessfully to get back together with their ex.

I think your reaction to this is over the top. It seems like you are looking for fault in the relationship (saying you always felt like 2nd choice etc). If you look hard enough, you will usually end up finding what you are looking for.

If you feel like 2nd choice, why are you with her?
If you feel like you are looking for problems, why are you with her?
If you want to stay with her, why are you dragging up so much from the past, and from a time in her life when everything was a bit muddled and confused?

People move on, grow up, mature and an older wiser person mightn't make the same mistakes (lying about break-ups & exes.. etc) as they did when they were younger.

It seems like your biggest problem here is your ego. You were a virgin. She wasn't.

That's not her fault and there's nothing either of you can do about it.

She shouldn't have lied about the details of the breakup.. but she shouldn't have felt the need to give you ANY details of it. Again, I'm going to go with immaturity, rather than trying to deceive you.

I'd also like to add that you shouldn't knock things that she might be into .. you might find that a lot of stuff that you're not interested in now might be entirely enjoyable.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd also like to add that just because they were talking about something doesn't mean they did it! It could have been a little private joke between them.

(important word there being "private"!)

LegacyUser

Op again.

Yes she had said those things to me hundreds of times while we were together, we talk about how we got together quite often.

I'm not knocking anything she's 'in to'. There was no talk of what they were in to, I don't really know where ye got that idea from. Maybe misinterpreting something. It was the way they were talking about sex that threw me. Nothing she hasn't said to me, a good bit less in fact - that is, going from what I read, I'm sure there was plenty more. I'm not saying it was wrong for her to discuss it with her then boyfriend etc., she didn't know me and I'm not judging her by her past.
It was that she was talking like this with him while simultaneously telling me she was mad about me and wanted to dump yer man. It obviously wasn't nice reading those things in the first place but that made it far worse for me.

I wasn't looking for a problem. She constantly gives out to me about other girls trying to chat me up etc. and occasionally she sees I've been talking to female friends on facebook and gets a bit jealous, and denies that she ever talks to other men on it. I was checking to see if this was true (I knew it wasn't anyway but I was on the phone to her while on her account, just going to catch her out and have a laugh about it) and then I spotted the conversation with her ex, a good bit down the list, and my curiosity got the better of me.

I didn't want the details of her breakup, I wanted her to be truthful with me about US, and she wasn't. She's been trying to make me feel like she favoured me over her ex when clearly she didn't and would have rathered staying with him.