Sick sister doing my head in!!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Just wanted advise about what to do about my sister, she is 2 years younger than me, she has bi-polar and can be very down, she doesnt work because of the bi-polar and other health issues. Which means she sits at home all day every day and wallows in self pity.

I stay with her a lot(my husband works away) but its starting to get too much for me.
I buy her presents all the time, i take her out if she has no money(which is very often) and my husband is equally as good to her(even though he does it for me, not her).
I just feel she is wasting her life, i understand she is sick, but surely she can't just waste away up in her house.
She is always is a bad mood, never pleasant to call in to, even though i do every day.
I try to advise her about things, but she just takes me up wrong and gets upset, and gives out about me behind my back.
Yesterday i found a solicitors letter in her house from a company saying they were taking her to court for not paying a phone bill.
She got the phone in for the internet for a course she done last year, the laptop she had broke, and instead of ringing the phone company and cancelling it, she went to bank and cancelled the direct debit!!
I said to her several times did you ring phone company and cancel....she just ignored me....well the solicitors letter is for nearly 300 euros!!!
Myself and hubby have also paid for her to come on hols with us in the summer, all she had to do was not go out for a few weekends and save spending money, she has a bit saved(i made her give me some every week) but she still went out and spent money in the pub!!
I just can't understand her.....please someone tell me i'm not being unreasonable by saying i think i'll just cut all ties with her at this stage......

P.S. Please don't think i'm bad, it's just upsetting me too much now. I feel my life is being held back by hers!

ladysarah

My advise cut back on the time you spend with her. Unfortunely she is draining your energy. Maybe have one phone call a week and meet up for coffee once a month. You sound like a very good person and I think cutting contact completely would play on your mind.

síofra

Firstly, good on you for being so supportive of your sister and dedicating so much time to her. She is very fortunate to have someone like you around, but I do understand your frustration too.

From what you have written, it seems like you are one of her main supporters and this is starting to take its toll on you both mentally and emotionally.

Are there others who can help her out so that you can take a break or have more time to yourself? Do you have any other siblings or does she have any friends that could lend a hand? Are there any support services in the area where she can get help regarding her mental health or where you can get advice about supporting someone with these difficulties?

meoklmrk91

You are a very good sister first and foremost. You and your husband have gone above and beyond to help your sister.

Now for the difficult part, I think you should take a step back. While you are trying to help, it is falling on deaf ears and it is taking a toll on you. You cannot help anyone if you are not willing to help yourself.

While your sister has an illness she needs to learn to take care of herself. She was the one who ran up this phone bill, let her sort it out. Sure be there for her to talk to if she needs it, give advice, but other than that you shouldn't do anything.

I find that people get used to being looked after and that you can be enabling them without even realising it, it's when you take a step back, they learn to be self sufficient because they have to, it's either that or crash and burn.

You paid for her to go on holidays which is more than most would do, and she didn't even make an effort to try and save up her spending money and you even had to try and get her to give you the money so that it would be saved instead if taking care if that herself. This shows me that she is ungrateful and expects you to sort out her problems for her, will you subsidise her money if she doesn't have enough?

Also she really shouldn't be drinking if she has bipolar, alcohol is a depressant and she is only making her condition worse, also I assume she is taking medication, most medications of this kind are not to be taken with alcohol.

In short she seems to show no initiative to take control over her own life and you are doing it for her. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Take a step back and look after yourself for a change. Take care.

IrishEyes19

you dont really mention if she is on treatment at the moment. I wonder maybe is she on the right dosage of medication for her illness. cant give medical advice obviously, but would an evaluation of her meds be possible. I know you want to burn bridges because of the stress and all and I empathise with that, but it might worth looking into if something in her meds isnt suiting her and causing this.

Emme

OP, your sister might have bipolar but I think she's taking the proverbial. She knows that you and your husband will help her and she's willing to sit back and let you run yourselves ragged for her while she (1) gives nothing back and (2) does little or nothing for herself.

My experience of people like this is that the more you give they more they want. If you say or do anything they're not happy with you'll either get abuse or they'll start a tirade full of self-pity.

Your sister may have one face for you and your husband (the sad, self-pitying poor me face) and another for her drinking buddies (life and soul of the party).

I know she's your sister and she's bipolar but if she's draining you take a step back. Are you really helping her by doing everything for her? Perhaps you would help her more by stepping back and encouraging her to stand on her own feet more.

There are plenty of people with bipolar who manage their illness and function well in society. All I know about your sister is what I've seen here but is there any reason why she can't manage her illness herself and stand on her own two feet?

Merkin

I think bipolar disorder is possibly one of the worst mental illnesses and is all consuming so I feel desperately sorry for your sister. How contained is her mania and how long has this period of depression been going on for? I would say not to sever contact with her as I think the love and support of those close is a stabilizing influence and is important.

I am however shocked that she is going out and getting pissed in the pub at the weekend. If her condition is controlled through medication (like lithium for example) then boozing is quite possibly the worst thing she can do and will only exacerbate her depression.

While I wouldn't be cutting her out, I would adopt a firmer approach. Get her to go and revisit her GP (go with her if you wish, at least then the doctor will get a full and honest picture) and tell them that she has been drinking on her Meds. They will hopefully be able to review her medication which is turn should hopefully give her a lift.

I do feel very sorry for you. I know a couple of people with the condition and it is an insidious and corrosive illness which is very hard on the loved ones of those that suffer. All you can do is continue to be there while insisting that she also start to help herself. Quitting booze would be a good start.

Esoteric_

Speaking as someone who has been diagnosed with bi-polar several years back (all under control and currently under control without the use of medication, thanks to intense CBT and learning my triggers!), she's taking the píss.

It's an all-consuming illness, as Merkin said, but at the same time, there are chinks of rationality that come through. She knows you and your husband will look after her both financially and emotionally, and will therefore not take positive steps to get better.

I can understand that in one respect, because taking the steps to getting it under control is SCARY, it really is. But, she's doing the wrong things. Frankly, she's absolutely crazy to drink if she's on medication for bipolar. I tried that a few times when I was on Seroquel, and I made myself very ill.

Rather than take a step back, I'd change your approach. I would stop buying her things and giving her money. Do NOT pay her bills. The fact of the matter is, she needs a kick up the arse to convince her to seek help, because from what you've described, whatever treatment she's receiving for her bipolar needs to be re-assessed and probably adjusted.

Don't support her financially, but do be there for her if she needs you. See her as often as before, but don't bring money or gifts. Try to convince her to speak to a doctor about her treatment plan, as it can take several attempts to find the right one to suit the person. You can't force her to get help, but when I was at my worst, and refusing all treatment, people stepping back and not helping me was the kick I needed to go seek proper help and I've never been happier. I can't thank my family enough for somewhat turning their backs on me at that time, and I have a fantastic relationship with them all now.

As long as you keep financing her, giving her gifts and being at her beck and call, she'll keep allowing her illness to take over her life. It is a horrible, horrible illness to have, and I can understand a bit of what your sister might be going through, but ultimately, until she decides to seek proper help or assess the help she's currently receiving, you being so involved with her is not going to help her at all.


Lastly, pat yourself on the back. You are a fantastic, kind, caring, considerate sister and she should consider herself very lucky to have you. I'm sure once her illness is under control, she will, too. People as selfless as you are rare, and she's very lucky.

Call Me Jimmy

Just on the point of her going out and being with friends and to give maybe another perspective, I would be like that. I may feel suicidal for whole week, my mind obsessed and completely feel like it is the end of my life and then for example yesterday I went up to my friends where I completely hide that all and have a decent time but only in short bursts can I do it. An evening I can be as if there is not a problem at all with me but the rest of the time I can be crying uncontrollably, working away with a feeling of absolute dread surrounding me.

Depending on the timing though (obviously not in what you would class as a severely bad episode) there are things you should stop doing imo and worrying about her bills/ holidays etc is one of those. I completely understand your love for her and wanting to help her in some tangible way but as someone already said, once something becomes any way regular it becomes a matter of course and is expected - it's human nature.

I think you can find a middle ground between being supportive to her emotionally, maybe paying for the odd day out or something where you's are spending time together out of the house but do not concern yourself with her expenses generally. There is a cut off point and she will not develop at all while she is completely taken care of. Someone with mental difficulties still requires the same development and experience as someone without. It may be slower, and in some cases extremely limited, but it should be strived for as I believe (besides direct treatment) it is something that can help such a condition.

Respect to you and your husband for being good people and I wish the best of luck. Remember you are equally as important as her (it's not a competition but it is something you should assert to yourself more often).