I hate being sensitive

LegacyUser

I am a very sensitive person, I wonder how I survived so many years being so sensitive.. I am 28. I will try to be very honest to myself when I write this. Ours is an arranged marriage and we are married for 2.5 years my husband comes from a very old fashioned family where women are very adjusting, haven't done any jobs, bear their husband with love and compassion. My husband is not a bad person but is very lazy, gets angry very easily, a big critic, bothers about silly things and not at all a fun loving person. He is very dependant on me, previously I used to cook, take care of all the household things, but these days I started revolting, started demanding him to help me and started expecting more from him because finally after 1.5 years we are staying together as my husband was jobless till last Friday, he got a job from may first week..4 months with me, he never got up from his sofa till I come from office. I cook almost everyday, both breakfast and curry, try to keep my house neat, but he helps me only if I ask and that too for the time he is in kitchen for some or the other silly things, keeps complaining or speaks harshly(that is how I feel)..but he says that is his normal tone..what I expect is since he knows from morning 7 till night 10 I try my best to do everything that is needed, why can't he come and help me, and be nice when he speaks, and the most frustrating thing is he has 2 faces and 2 tongues..when he is nice, he is so loving that I never got so much love from anyone. But the other side is so damn irritating, I feel like crying like hell...and recently I am feeling so traumatised, I behave so worst i started hating myself...he is provoking me to my worst side...we stayed in different locations for 1.5 years and now we will be staying away again as he got a job in different location, we thought we should be nice and try to enjoy these 10 days and we fought again. He does so little and feels so righteous to show his anger, then what should I be doing for doing so much....he has such damn expectations that even after I cook and keep everything ready, he expects me to put everything in a plate and give it to his hand..I blame his parents and sisters for this, they never taught him any household responsibilities...we don't go out, watch movies, absolutely nothing..anyone would call this a boring life, but I am happy with it Bcoz I am not a party animal, also i feel restless and tired most of the time, taking vitamin supplements after talking to GP and all I need is helping hand who don't stress me out by depending on me too much and one who can soothingly talk.
I think my problem is I am very sensitive, childish, no maturity, not adjusting, cry a lot, feminist thoughts, high expectations, the moment someone hurts me, I can't forgive or forget, will push them away..I have pushed many people away from my life like that, since this time it is my husband I am not able to push him away
My husband problem is very lazy, expects and depends on me too much, always irritates me, speaks loudly or harshly, will be very nice the next day after our fight which will make me longing for that temporary character...has old fashioned beliefs, a critic, a very boring person with boring lifestyle..

And if u want to get a better insight of me, I am now worried what replies I would get and I will be hurt to strangers' comments. I hate myself for being so damn sensitive

We are fighting so much these days I hate to live like this, what should I do? Clearly both of us are messing so much that I don't think we can continue like this

blatantrereg

Stop kicking yourself.

What's wrong with pushing people away who hurt you? I find it's almost always the best policy to ditch people who don't act in an acceptable way. He's an adult and his behaviour is his own responsibility, not something to blame on his family.

Basic courtesy and a contribution to housework are not high expectations. Tolerating someone not contributing to housework when they have no work responsibilities and you do reflects you actually have very low expectations.

Abusive people are often very nice when they are in the mood to be. It just makes things worse since it can lower your defences, and make it harder to get away from them.

He's causing you harm. You have a responsibility to look after yourself. You are overextended. That will get worse not better unless you change things. Everyone has a breaking point, and it's important not to overextend yourself unless you have some important reason to do so. It is particularly important not to do this indefinitely. You would not inflict this state on someone else: It's just as important not to inflict it on yourself. You are inflicting it on yourself by remaining in your situation and also by kicking yourself for being unable to tolerate it.

Trying to change other people is pointless and exhausting. You need to leave him.

Diziet

Try some relationship counselling, preferably together, or even by yourself. I don't think you are being sensitive, I think you sound unhappy :-(

síofra

Dear Sensitive123,

I'm glad you've found the courage to write about how you feel. From your message, it seems that you are very overwhelmed at the moment, by both your emotions and thoughts. This can be very painful for anyone, but even more so when you are sensitive and think and feel more deeply than others.

From what I can gather, you have been living in a very difficult environment and it's beginning to take its toll on you. Your husband isn't giving you what you need - love, compassion, connection, empathy, respect and trust amongst other things. Because of this, you are beginning to think that there is something wrong with you, that you are the problem. You label yourself as childish, immature and having big expectations. Please don't think so harshly of yourself. I don't think it is childish or immature to need love and nourishment in a relationship or to feel angry when you are not being respected or seen as an individual with your own wants and needs.

What's wrong with crying? Is it wrong to feel strong emotions? You live in an environment that isn't meeting your need for love and compassion, you are undervalued and the things you do go unseen and are unappreciated. What's wrong with feeling strong emotions in such a situation? You are human, you want and need love and affection and to be seen, I don't think its a weakness or something to feel bad about if you react to not receiving such warmth. It's a perfectly natural reaction.

Please be gentle with yourself and don't feel bad. You are in a harsh environment that isn't helping you grow, like a flower that isn't getting enough sunlight or water. I would recommend that you speak to a qualified counsellor about how you are feeling. Counsellors create safe spaces where you can just be you, without any conflict or the need to be afraid of how someone will react.

I would also suggest you try to see your sensitivity in a more positive way. There are some useful books out there, for example, Elaine Aron's 'The Highly Sensitive Person' and Susan Cain's 'The Quiet'. Maybe look at this website too:http://www.hsperson.com/index.html

And just to let you know, I am also a sensitive person and think that it is a beautiful thing and something to be proud of rather than something to feel bad about.

Please PM me if you need any more information and take care of yourself.

I think my problem is I am very sensitive, childish, no maturity, not adjusting, cry a lot, feminist thoughts, high expectations,

OP are these your own thoughts or has someone else been telling you this? Maybe your husband is telling you this? Because it doesn't sound true, at all.
You deserve to be happy, you know.
There's nothing wrong with being frustrated and upset with a lazy arse who demands to be waited on hand and foot and sulks when he doesn't get his own way. He sounds like a child, not you. You're not his mother, you know.

Go to counselling and talk to someone about this. It will help you better address the situation, because obviously it can't continue like this.

Sensitive123

It feels so good to read your replies. I have discussed my problems to an extent with my family and his family. My family supports me but they don’t know how to make the situation better.
Last time when he used an abusive word, I called up his mother and sister(finally after 2 years of troubled relationship) asking why an educated guy uses word like that. ( I did this because he cares a lot about his parents and listens to what they say, also a week before he opened up finally with his elder sister, his sister thought i am asking too much and that i cant expect him to help me everyday)
My mother-in-law was in a way ok, asking what the issues are and of course did not feel there is a problem with her son.. she said I cant expect her son to cook for me( and I corrected her saying I need help when I cook not that he should cook) and why I find it so difficult to do the things I do without his help. I finally told her he is jobless and I am taking vitamin supplements, then she stopped supporting him, told that both of us should try to be good to each other..anyway finally no solution.
But what I did not like is when she called her son, she advised him about few things but added that I am neither a child nor an adult, she even told him that how some women take care of their husbands so well! Cant blame a mother’s heart.
His sister spoke rubbish…she started comparing me with her and her 2 sisters(none of them does job))..how they suffered after marriage and how strong they were in bearing, and why I cry like a child…and without even listening started saying her brother is innocent, women are women and men are men. I spoke to her for 3 mins and told her I did a mistake calling her, said sorry and cut the call.
The reason I am describing all this is, the few people I discussed with, made me feel that I am wrong at bothering silly stuff....which made me feel even worse because unknowingly I started blaming myself….i think I can get the courage I need if I stop blaming myself and all your comments made me feel better about myself. I could never speak any of these with my friends for the fear of what impression they would get on us, or if they reveal it to more people.. never realised posting it in forums would help, it is really kind of you all to reply. I thought either nobody would reply thinking this is silly stuff or people might say something close to what I have already heard..
To add, the other problem with my husband is he wants me to resign my job so I can do everything by myself without bothering him rather than support me with my career(I am a software developer) by giving a helping hand.

Sensitive123

bluewolf wrote: »

OP are these your own thoughts or has someone else been telling you this? Maybe your husband is telling you this? Because it doesn't sound true, at all.
You deserve to be happy, you know.
There's nothing wrong with being frustrated and upset with a lazy arse who demands to be waited on hand and foot and sulks when he doesn't get his own way. He sounds like a child, not you. You're not his mother, you know.

Go to counselling and talk to someone about this. It will help you better address the situation, because obviously it can't continue like this.

What my husband and few others said..I can't disagree
Yes I think I need professional help, I am getting worser day by day

Sensitive123

Thanks Siofra, got tears in my eyes reading your reply..I will defo read the book..

OP of course his family will side with him. They will be biased. Ringing them for problems means you will only ever hear the bad things. Ring your own family. Ring friends.
Do NOT give up your job to mind this lazy child!

You're clearly unhappy in this marriage and you are entitled to be happy.
Why don't you try staying somewhere like a b&b for a few nights to clear your head and leave him to fend for himself? It's your life, not his.

Sensitive123

Blatantrereg
My husband and my family wants me to be better at tackling people rather than pushing them away..I stopped talking to one of his friend's wife after she disrespected us..my husband wants me ignore it and talk casually like he does..but I feel like I don't want to see her or talk to her again

Sensitive123

bluewolf wrote: »

OP of course his family will side with him. They will be biased. Ringing them for problems means you will only ever hear the bad things. Ring your own family. Ring friends.
Do NOT give up your job to mind this lazy child!

You're clearly unhappy in this marriage and you are entitled to be happy.
Why don't you try staying somewhere like a b&b for a few nights to clear your head and leave him to fend for himself? It's your life, not his.

We stayed apart for 1.5 years and used to meet only on weekends..in 10 more days he will move to a different location for his new job(b and b not necessary) that is what is frustrating..that we can't even enjoy the few days v r left with..

blatantrereg

Sensitive123 wrote: »

Blatantrereg
My husband and my family wants me to be better at tackling people rather than pushing them away..I stopped talking to one of his friend's wife after she disrespected us..my husband wants me ignore it and talk casually like he does..but I feel like I don't want to see her or talk to her again

I think your approach is better. It's an aggravating waste of effort to try to force people to behave acceptably if they don't want to. Better to cut them out and use your energy and time in a positive way.

You might be better paying more attention to your own mind and less to opinions others are trying to push on you. What comes across to me is that you're a reasonable and capable person, but you might break your back trying to appease others if you keep letting these people push you around. People thousands of miles away don't know much about your situation. Your husband expects complete support from you while offering nothing in return. Your career is far more successful than his. The idea that you should drop it to look after him is absurd from any objective point of view. Seriously just drop him and choose your own husband in your own time: Someone who thinks in terms of what's best for the two of you, instead of just bullying you and exploiting your energy in a stupid and destructive manner.

Here is a key point you're already aware of: Aside from ideological objections, the idea of a woman taking on all the housework is only viable if the man works and she doesn't. Otherwise it's looking to have your cake and eat it too really.

Sala

OP, I find it interesting that you describe yourself as sensitive and somewhat to blame yourself for how things are, when in reality your posts read as if instead you are a strong person, you know what you want despite tradition, you are willing to voice your concerns, and you are willing to admit you are unhappy, and seek help and solutions from those around you.

I also find it interesting that you said "when he is nice, he is so loving that I never got so much love from anyone" but you don't actually say that you love him. You also open your post by stating this is an arranged marriage, how long you have been married etc. In my experience people who have marital difficulties often reflect upon a time when things were great, and they were so in love, and you have not stated that you love or ever did love your husband, and that is the main issue here. You need to deal with that first.

Paddy Cow

Sensitive123 wrote: »

We stayed apart for 1.5 years and used to meet only on weekends..in 10 more days he will move to a different location for his new job(b and b not necessary) that is what is frustrating..that we can't even enjoy the few days v r left with..

Is he moving in with relatives or is he going to have to fend for himself?

Don't be so hard on yourself. No offense but your husband is simply lazy and if you give up your job you will regret it. At least with your job you have your independance but if you have to rely on your husband financially your life could get a lot worse. He does sweet feck all around the house now, even though he isn't working. Imagine how controlling and arrogant he would be if he was the breadwinner :eek:

Emme

OP, your situation is difficult and I don't know enough about your background to give much advice.

Religious families stick together more so than other families and in many cases the son can do no wrong. We have decades of that in Ireland!

Whatever your husband or his family says, DON'T give up your job. That is all you have for yourself and you must hold on to it while you can.

Sensitive123

I totally agree, If I resign my job things will get even worser..however can't help such thoughts when we are in our best moods and happiness all around..
I feel a lot better and strong today...my husband is showing his sweet side to patch up..but I know if I think of patching up today, v will end up fighting tomorrow..and I don't have strength to fight or cry again..and this time we fought really bad and I need lot of time to get my mind right
Paddy
We have no one here, just us..not many friends also..he is searching online for accommodation.. My husband can survive in a messy place with minimum food, he is very adjusting in that sense..and I think that nature helps him to survive lazily..

Emme
I really wonder how some women get so much patience to bear horrible husbands..
And my husband talks how there are so many horrible men out there and how lucky I am to have him and how I am spoiling my life with my own hands and how my parents never taught me essential things
And I end up saying how there are horrible women as well..and stop comparing him with such people and instead look at his own friends
Hmm and this is how the fights get bigger, neither of us wil shut our mouths..
I was told for a happy relationship, no two people should be angry at the same time...which is so difficult to implement in our case

Sensitive123

Sala
I don't know what to say..It felt good when u said I sound strong..my husband thinks I am not sensitive but defensive..but as a small thing also can bother me, I feel I am sensitive..
And whether I love my husband, I hate him so much right now I can't comment..
And If I ever loved him, yes and we had our perfect moments but we always had them inconsistently.. And may be our love-o-meter is not that great like others,I don't know if it because ours is arranged marriage or our mentalities don't gel well or because we never stayed together like all other couples

Neyite

síofra wrote: »

Please PM me if you need any more information and take care of yourself.

Please read the Charter Síofra, we do NOT ask posters to PM in this forum - it is strictly forbidden.

DoctorBoo

Hi OP, well done for looking for external and objective advice on boards. It's a big and important step for you.

I think the idea of going to counselling by yourself is a good one. It seems to me that you spend a lot of time thinking about the family, your husband and society's expectations of you and very little time thinking about what you want and need. If others want to ignore your needs in favour of your husband's needs in(which they think are more important) that's their business. Your business is to look after yourself. Counselling can provide a space for you to understand yourself and your situation more clearly. Right now your state seems confused and conflicted - working on yourself through counselling can bring clarity.
One final piece of advice - do not give up your job. At the moment it provides you with financial and emotional independence. If you leave it, you are placing your financial and emotional wellbeing in your husband's hands and I don't believe he is responsible enough to manage that well.
Best of luck and trust yourself!

Sensitive123

Just wanted to let you all know that we patched up..no matter hw much rude and bad I was, he did his best to convince me to patch up..I tried my best and in fact crossed my limits of anger this time to push him away as I was very much decided to be alone for a while(first time spoke about divorce also)but he showed so much pain on his face and suffered a lot, I thought I should let it go this time with few conditions, however I know v wil fight again but hope it will be at least a month after..I m totally fed up with this opposite situations.. I have already phoned for my face to face counselling, he said he will book as well.. Unfortunately, the lady said we can't have a couple counselling as we stay in different locations...also I thought individual counselling is better to know if there is something wrong with me as I have issues with other people as well..thanks all for your support and kindness..

Shint0

OP not many counsellers in Ireland are experienced in multicultural issues so choose carefully and try to find someone who is somewhat familiar with your cultural background and understands it complexities. I'm assuming you are of desi origin. Someone here said that it is nothing to do with your husband's family, it's about himself. It is absolutely everything to do with his family as in your culture boys are reared with a sense of entitlement of being waited on hand and foot by mothers and sisters and bring the same expectations into their marriages. What saddens and angers me is that women perpetuate traditions within the home which maintain gender inequality and the sense of entitlement among males. The reply your sister in law gave you is a common response, how men are immature and women must carry the burdens etc. etc. I'm delighted to hear you cut her off.

It's a wider systemic, cultural issue that you can't really battle on your own. Other people are advising you to consider divorce but that may not necessarily be an option for you if there is any stigma attached to divorce in your family. I think by this stage you would know if the match was a suitable one and if you are both compatible. As is often quoted "How does love grow in an arranged marriage? Stockholm Syndrome!" It sounds like you're not willing to succumb to that and rightly so although you have started to allow yourself to think that maybe you are the problem. Don't. That's exactly how it works when you start to doubt yourself.
However, I am glad to hear that you are considering counselling and like I said to choose wisely. I think this is a correct approach to send a message to your husband that you are willing to stand up for yourself and that you will draw on whatever external resources are necessary and perhaps to let him know that you are also thinking about seeking legal advice if the situation doesn't improve. These kind of measures might help him to see that you mean business, that he needs to change his attitude or else deal with having a divorce in his family which I'm sure they would be none too pleased about. If you genuinely are not compatible then consider your options and wheather staying married is worth the heartache. Prioritise your own needs first as nobody else will protect your own inteterests expect yourself.

mashedbanana

blatantrereg wrote: »

Stop kicking yourself.

What's wrong with pushing people away who hurt you? I find it's almost always the best policy to ditch people who don't act in an acceptable way. He's an adult and his behaviour is his own responsibility, not something to blame on his family.

Basic courtesy and a contribution to housework are not high expectations. Tolerating someone not contributing to housework when they have no work responsibilities and you do reflects you actually have very low expectations.

Abusive people are often very nice when they are in the mood to be. It just makes things worse since it can lower your defences, and make it harder to get away from them.

He's causing you harm. You have a responsibility to look after yourself. You are overextended. That will get worse not better unless you change things. Everyone has a breaking point, and it's important not to overextend yourself unless you have some important reason to do so. It is particularly important not to do this indefinitely. You would not inflict this state on someone else: It's just as important not to inflict it on yourself. You are inflicting it on yourself by remaining in your situation and also by kicking yourself for being unable to tolerate it.

Trying to change other people is pointless and exhausting. You need to leave him.

Fantastic piece of advice there.