I think i'm just unlikeable to girls

LegacyUser

Here's the deal, 21 year old lad, last month of college. I'm still a virgin and never and a proper relationship. I don't like discussing this with anyone in person because I'm really embarrassed, and I think I'm going to be like this for a long time. Overall I'm pretty insecure about myself and depressed when I look around and see people happy in relationships.

I'm a very quiet guy, not really shy as I've played in bands and spoke in public, but I just don't really talk unless I have to. It's very rare that I'm the one starting a conversation. Bit of an introvert I guess, but I think a lot of girls think that I'm being rude/hateful or that I have a superiority complex or something. I really don't, I just don't know what to say to anyone. Even when a girl talks to me first, I don't have a clue what to say... really awkward.

I like to take care of myself fitness wise, practice and compete in boxing and surfing. Don't drink or smoke. Try to lead a good lifestyle and be good to people because I used to believe in karma, but none of it has come back my way. I hate clubs, although that's where some of my friends meet girls but those guys are much more charismatic than I'll ever be, and I'm just pretty lost and alone in the whole thing.

I know what you're thinking, "maybe he's ugly?"
Meh, maybe.

Have you tried online dating?

Esoteric_

floki wrote: »

Here's the deal, 21 year old lad, last month of college. I'm still a virgin and never and a proper relationship. I don't like discussing this with anyone in person because I'm really embarrassed, and I think I'm going to be like this for a long time. Overall I'm pretty insecure about myself and depressed when I look around and see people happy in relationships.

I'm a very quiet guy, not really shy as I've played in bands and spoke in public, but I just don't really talk unless I have to. It's very rare that I'm the one starting a conversation. Bit of an introvert I guess, but I think a lot of girls think that I'm being rude/hateful or that I have a superiority complex or something. I really don't, I just don't know what to say to anyone. Even when a girl talks to me first, I don't have a clue what to say... really awkward.

I like to take care of myself fitness wise, practice and compete in boxing and surfing. Don't drink or smoke. Try to lead a good lifestyle and be good to people because I used to believe in karma, but none of it has come back my way. I hate clubs, although that's where some of my friends meet girls but those guys are much more charismatic than I'll ever be, and I'm just pretty lost and alone in the whole thing.

I know what you're thinking, "maybe he's ugly?"
Meh, maybe.

I don't automatically think you're ugly.

What strikes me is how negative you are. 'I don't start conversations often, I don't know what to say to girls, I don't join clubs.'

To be perfectly honest, if you're insecure like you say you are, and you don't speak much, don't strike up conversations and won't join clubs, how do you actually expect to meet people?

Girlfriends don't just come to your house and find you!


Forget about girlfriends for a while, and work on your social skills. Start talking more, try to initiate conversations and join clubs. Joining clubs forces you to be more talkative, and the more you talk, the more you get used to having conversations and the more you learn about what to say/what not to say.

Before you can find a relationship, you're going to have to find the confidence to be yourself!

To add to what boneyarsebogman has said, if you have considered online dating, and are a boards member for 3 months or more, with 50 posts or more, you can send me a private message for access to an Online Dating forum, if you need help or tips with online dating.

MissFlitworth

I'm thinking that if you box & surf competitively you more than likely have a rocking body so even if your face looks like someone put a wig on a potato you'll probably do ok for yourself once you get over your crippling negativity! (I'm sure your face doesn't actually look like someone put a wig on a potato)

If you surf/box & are visibly fit but don't talk to girls, even when they come over to you the chances are that the girl in front of you trying to talk to you is thinking 'ohsh1tohsh1it, misjudged this one, out of my league/has a girlfriend/thinks I'm a minger, time to back it up, scarlet, oh god...'

You need to force yourself into places where you have to talk to people and I can see one definite way you could do that. Get a coaching or teaching job for either of your hobbies, people go to boxing & surfing lessons a lot, often with the sole aim of pulling the teacher. Teach people to surf, you'll have to talk to them & it won't be nearly as hard as just striking up random conversations because you'll have something to say you know they're actively interested in.

21 is v. young from a being in a relationship stance, you'll be surprised as you get older and expand your circle of friends how few people were actually in serious relationships/having sex in their late teens and early 20s even though at the time it can feel like you are completely on your own

judgefudge

Hey OP,

I'm only 3 years older than you, and female. I know PLENTY of guys and girls that haven't lost their virginity until the age of 19, 20, 21 etc. so don't just assume that you are left behind and it'll never happen for you. Honestly, I'm really not lying to you here, and these are people I would consider good looking, and reasonably friendly/popular. For whatever reason it just doesn't happen for some people until they are that bit older.

I think the fact that you don't drink probably makes it harder. As bad as it is, Ireland has a crazy drinking culture and most of the sexual experiences young people have at your age are when they are under the influence. Having a drunken fumble doesn't mean these people are any more attractive than you are, or socially adept. It's just a lot easier when people are hammered basically.

As far as the introversion/shyness. I'd have been quite similar when I was younger. I have always been quiet anyway and like to spend time by myself, but I was always quite shy and found it difficult to keep conversations going with strangers. I'll tell you what helped me. I went travelling after school for 3 months by myself, to Asia. Where I met loads of cool people and it basically forced me to get a little confidence and put myself out there. Made a world of difference! I'm not saying you need to do that but you should definitely push yourself to do things like joining groups, alone, even if there's that little introvert voice in the back of your head saying you'd rather stay at home.

That's my two cents. But main message is - don't be so negative, you'd be amazed the amount of people who are in the same boat. You sound like you have plenty of good things going for you!

strobe

Some practical advice on the "don't have a clue what to say" problem.
Just ask them about themselves. Ask wht they are studying in college, what music they like, why they are studying/listening to/like that etc. Just talk about them basically. It shows an interest in them which is a good thing, and most of the time once you get them started on the topic of themselves, they will do most of the talking for you without even realising. Meaning you don't have to worry about trying to think of interesting /entertaining /etc things to say yourself. These things may probably come naturally without you being aware of it once you aren't trying to think of them anyway.

Just ask them about themselves, pay attention to and show an interest in the answers, and you're pretty much golden.

RossFixxxed

People LOVE talking about themselves! Just ask me about Everest or the Himalayas or whatever and I will waffle on at you like a crazy old man! And I'd be very happy to do so and think it was a great conversation with someone sound. Just ask them what they are into.

This might come across wrong, or patronising, but women are people too. They have random interests, insecurities like you. There are lovely ones, boring ones, sound ones, crazy ones and so on. But they're not some alien creature that you are making first contact with! (Barring a few exceptions to be fair! )

I would imagine your negativity, whether justified or not, is causing part of the issue. If you come across as not feeling worth anything, people won't assign worth to you themselves. I doubt I could describe myself as profoundly handsome, but I know how to talk rubbish, and I LOVE talking to new people and hearing their stories. A smile, a laugh and a confident manner is attractive. Ever meet someone beautiful looking only for them to say something awful and you can't see any attractiveness in them, it's the same in reverse?! I'm pretty open about my life and people seem to respond really well to it. I don't go into GRAPHIC overly perosnal details but people know I'm open and transparent and tell me things in return. It's a give and take. After meeting a friend recently and six of his friends, whom I've never met before somene apparently said after I left "thank God your man brought that up, I've never spoken about this but..." and opened up on loads of things to his mates, and they were all saying how good it was that I was sound and willing to answer their questions!

There is no easy solution to any of this in one way, but I guarantee if you work on how you feel about yourself and concentrate on your happiness you will do better. Validating yourself through someone else is an absolute disaster waiting to happen.

I doubt you are ugly, ugly comes from within and you seem like a decent bloke. But if I went out with a dour face and an attitude of this won't work, or gave the impression of superiority you mentioned I'd get nowhere in work, socially or otherwise. What you put out there is going to be what you get back from people. The world is only interested in what you can give it, not what you think you are inside. It's not ideal but it is true. If you give out the vibe you are interested, honest and fun you'll do great. If you have that little something about you,a nd I bet you do it will help, something like a cheeky smile, a flirty manner, a fun attitude, an open honest laugh it goes miles!

You're into surfing and boxing right? That's really cool! How do you think a boxer would compete agains a Ju Jitsu practitioner, I'd say they'd be better than a boxer...? Only winding you up but we're on a ground to have a debate/argument/chat already right?

I like guitar playing...... Ask me about my fav guitarists, or even better tell me yours! Tell me about that one song that makes the hairs stand up on your neck. Boom we're talking! Just reinforcing the people love talking about themselves aspect again!


Also I've been told I have a great knack for being really confident, selling myself really well and then making some really self depreciating joke about it all so there's no cockyness, but people remember the confidence too! You do have to 'sell' your merits a bit, but make it light, slag yourself a little and find an interesting middle ground to chat about.

I'm so great at giving advice and devilishly handsome... for a ginger!

msg11

RossFixxxed wrote: »

People LOVE talking about themselves! Just ask me about Everest or the Himalayas or whatever and I will waffle on at you like a crazy old man! And I'd be very happy to do so and think it was a great conversation with someone sound. Just ask them what they are into.

This might come across wrong, or patronising, but women are people too. They have random interests, insecurities like you. There are lovely ones, boring ones, sound ones, crazy ones and so on. But they're not some alien creature that you are making first contact with! (Barring a few exceptions to be fair! )

I would imagine your negativity, whether justified or not, is causing part of the issue. If you come across as not feeling worth anything, people won't assign worth to you themselves. I doubt I could describe myself as profoundly handsome, but I know how to talk rubbish, and I LOVE talking to new people and hearing their stories. A smile, a laugh and a confident manner is attractive. Ever meet someone beautiful looking only for them to say something awful and you can't see any attractiveness in them, it's the same in reverse?! I'm pretty open about my life and people seem to respond really well to it. I don't go into GRAPHIC overly perosnal details but people know I'm open and transparent and tell me things in return. It's a give and take. After meeting a friend recently and six of his friends, whom I've never met before somene apparently said after I left "thank God your man brought that up, I've never spoken about this but..." and opened up on loads of things to his mates, and they were all saying how good it was that I was sound and willing to answer their questions!

There is no easy solution to any of this in one way, but I guarantee if you work on how you feel about yourself and concentrate on your happiness you will do better. Validating yourself through someone else is an absolute disaster waiting to happen.

I doubt you are ugly, ugly comes from within and you seem like a decent bloke. But if I went out with a dour face and an attitude of this won't work, or gave the impression of superiority you mentioned I'd get nowhere in work, socially or otherwise. What you put out there is going to be what you get back from people. The world is only interested in what you can give it, not what you think you are inside. It's not ideal but it is true. If you give out the vibe you are interested, honest and fun you'll do great. If you have that little something about you,a nd I bet you do it will help, something like a cheeky smile, a flirty manner, a fun attitude, an open honest laugh it goes miles!

You're into surfing and boxing right? That's really cool! How do you think a boxer would compete agains a Ju Jitsu practitioner, I'd say they'd be better than a boxer...? Only winding you up but we're on a ground to have a debate/argument/chat already right?

I like guitar playing...... Ask me about my fav guitarists, or even better tell me yours! Tell me about that one song that makes the hairs stand up on your neck. Boom we're talking! Just reinforcing the people love talking about themselves aspect again!


Also I've been told I have a great knack for being really confident, selling myself really well and then making some really self depreciating joke about it all so there's no cockyness, but people remember the confidence too! You do have to 'sell' your merits a bit, but make it light, slag yourself a little and find an interesting middle ground to chat about.

I'm so great at giving advice and devilishly handsome... for a ginger!

I want to drink with this guy !! Just messing, few key points in there.

I am much the same as yourself. Wouldn't worry about it, you are going to put a little effort in to get some results in the chatting department. Basically just talk ****e for the first while, as you get to know the person start getting more serious keeping some humor there too.

OscarO

Cheer up OP! I was quite an introverted person when I was younger (I'm 26 now) and it took me far longer than any of my friends to get into a relationship, have sex etc. But gradually, I came out of my shell in college, by focusing on being more social- and I really had to push myself. Instead of turning down invitations, I made myself go to everything that came along, and not just talk to the people I knew. And gradually, talking to boys wasn't a big deal, because they were just people, and I didn't want anything from them but a good conversation.

You sound like you've talked yourself into a corner, and are now convinced you're not attractive to girls, so you come across as negative to them. One of the things I realised was that it's not up to other people who barely know you to 'discover' why you're secretly great, why should they? It's totally up to you how you're percieved.

So relax about ticking boxes by a certain age- having sex, being in a couple etc, and try and have some fun! Honestly, people won't care about those arbitrary milestones, and if you focus on feeling confident in yourself (and not viewing girls as an alien species) then you'll probably attract a lady or two along the way.