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Not sure what to do with ex

  • 24-04-2013 8:32am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So myself and my girlfriend broke up a little over 6 weeks ago. She broke up with me and gave me a couple of reasons which I don't want to go into in too much detail as she may see this post. She had a couple of things going on in her life at the time and couldn't deal with a relationship at the same time. Given the reasons she gave I understood where she was coming from. I asked her at the time was there any saving this and she said "she didn't know, not now at least". We said we'd stay in touch and she gave me the impression that she still had feelings for me but it was too much for her at that time.

    Well, we're still in touch but I've made sure to keep any feelings I have bottled up and kept to myself. Any time we talk it's very friendly and she makes contact with me as much as I contact her. The issues she had in her life at the time are still there to some extent but not like they were.

    I'm wondering is there any harm in letting her know that I still have feelings for her? or is this a bad idea? If there was any saving this I would like to try at least.


Comments

  • #2
    Forever Hopeful
    Closed Accounts Posts: 275 ✭✭Forever Hopeful


    amibeingsilly wrote: »
    So myself and my girlfriend broke up a little over 6 weeks ago. She broke up with me and gave me a couple of reasons which I don't want to go into in too much detail as she may see this post. She had a couple of things going on in her life at the time and couldn't deal with a relationship at the same time. Given the reasons she gave I understood where she was coming from. I asked her at the time was there any saving this and she said "she didn't know, not now at least". We said we'd stay in touch and she gave me the impression that she still had feelings for me but it was too much for her at that time.

    Well, we're still in touch but I've made sure to keep any feelings I have bottled up and kept to myself. Any time we talk it's very friendly and she makes contact with me as much as I contact her. The issues she had in her life at the time are still there to some extent but not like they were.

    I'm wondering is there any harm in letting her know that I still have feelings for her? or is this a bad idea? If there was any saving this I would like to try at least.

    I'm only going by what you have said here but there is a chance that maybe these 'issues' were just an excuse and she is letting you down gently.
    6 weeks isn't a long time and she does know how you feel.
    I'd stop contact with her for your own sake, try and move on. She could end up with someone else and you would have wasted time pining. Sorry Op


  • #3
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I think if someone breaks up with you, you shouldn't then give them the pleasure of your company. She still has all the benefits of your friendship and company but without actually being involved. This in turn instills false hope and leaves you in a state of limbo unable to both a. get over her and b. potentially meet someone else.

    I'm afraid this girl broke it off with you which (for whatever reasons) means that she no longer wants to be with you. By allowing her to continue to be part of your life there is no reason for her to miss you or potentially realise she's made a mistake is there? I'm not suggesting that's solely why you sever contact (break ups are usually final unfortunately) but I think you need to sever contact to allow you to get over her and friendship may happen organically down the line when there are no longer feelings involved.

    I would tell her that you'd like to cut contact and ask her to respect that. She can't just dump you and then expect you to exist in a supporting role hon.


  • #4
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    I agree with the above and I also think that as she broke up with you it is up to her to suggest that you get back together. I would agree that you should not be seeing her under the present circumstances.


  • #5
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I think she's letting you down gently. Most people have "issues" in their lives and manage to stay part of a relationship through them.

    I think it's an excuse, OP. And the staying friends bit is just to soften the blow for both of you.

    You can't handle being friends with her. She only wants to be friends with you. So it's not working out.

    Remove yourself from her for a moment. She has already moved on from you. She would have been thinking about breaking up with you, long before she did. So by the time she actually did it, she had come to terms with it, in her head, and decided it was over.

    You are only coming to that realisation now.

    She had already accepted you're finished. You need to accept that now. And I think the only way you'll be able to get your head round that is if you stay away from her for a while.

    She's ready to move on. She's had a head start on you, in that regard. She might soon start seeing someone else, and if you hang around hoping she'll come back to you, you won't be giving yourself a chance to move on too.

    If you are meant to be together, you will end up back together. Hanging around waiting for her won't influence that!


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much for the replies!

    Your replies make perfect sense to me now that I can see the situation from others points of view. I think part of my mindset was that I didn't want to move on because I was convinced things would start up again once she was past the issues in her life.

    Unfortunately I can't completely distance myself from her because there are mutual friends involved, but I know I can put this silly idea out of my head now, accept the situation and move on from this.


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  • #7
    TheBellJar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 424 ✭✭TheBellJar


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I think she's letting you down gently. Most people have "issues" in their lives and manage to stay part of a relationship through them.

    !

    Not always. Sometimes you have to think of the other person and if you have alot going on in your life it's a case of 'if you love someone, let them go'. It's not always the right thing to do, but it's definitely something that happens - especially in a new relationship.

    OP I wouldn't give up the ghost yet. If you care for her then be there for her and help her through whatever she has going on, even if that can't be in a romantic capacity right now. Only you know if she's taking the piss or genuinely in need of your support but I'd bet she'll be grateful to still have you around.


  • #8
    3DataModem
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,077 ✭✭✭3DataModem


    "I've lots of stuff going on and can't deal with a relationship at the moment"

    means

    "I'm not really into you anymore"
    or
    "I've found someone else"

    People with 'lots of stuff going on' generally LIKE having a relationship - someone to confide in, lean on, ask advise from, etc.

    Clearly she's getting all that without having to unhook her bra... so I'd probably break contact, unless you think that you can re-upgrade from friend to boyfriend at a later date.

    And no, don't tell her you have feeling for her. That has zero chance of inducing her to feel the same.


  • #9
    TheBellJar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 424 ✭✭TheBellJar


    3DataModem wrote: »
    "I've lots of stuff going on and can't deal with a relationship at the moment"

    means

    "I'm not really into you anymore"
    or
    "I've found someone else"

    People with 'lots of stuff going on' generally LIKE having a relationship - someone to confide in, lean on, ask advise from, etc.

    .

    I've been that person and said the same thing and I can tell you that's just not true. When you're trying to sort out your own **** the last thing you need is someone in your face, especially when it's a new thing - it just adds to the stress.


  • #10
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    TheBellJar wrote: »
    I've been that person and said the same thing and I can tell you that's just not true. When you're trying to sort out your own **** the last thing you need is someone in your face, especially when it's a new thing - it just adds to the stress.

    When you are not into a person you don't want them in your face but when you are you love having them around and nothing stands in the way of this.


  • #11
    Intel240787
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭Intel240787


    amibeingsilly wrote: »
    So myself and my girlfriend broke up a little over 6 weeks ago. She broke up with me and gave me a couple of reasons which I don't want to go into in too much detail as she may see this post. She had a couple of things going on in her life at the time and couldn't deal with a relationship at the same time. Given the reasons she gave I understood where she was coming from. I asked her at the time was there any saving this and she said "she didn't know, not now at least". We said we'd stay in touch and she gave me the impression that she still had feelings for me but it was too much for her at that time.

    Well, we're still in touch but I've made sure to keep any feelings I have bottled up and kept to myself. Any time we talk it's very friendly and she makes contact with me as much as I contact her. The issues she had in her life at the time are still there to some extent but not like they were.

    I'm wondering is there any harm in letting her know that I still have feelings for her? or is this a bad idea? If there was any saving this I would like to try at least.


    I think she's letting you down gently. I've had "issues" over the years, and it's only because I've had someone there that I've worked through them. The thought of having to go through some of the episodes on my own is daunting. If I thought I had nobody there to divert my attention from the issues around me to, well, myself and my life, then I'd have a breakdown.
    I'd say let yourself loose. It'll bog you down, and life is hard enough without others making it harder.


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  • #12
    TheBellJar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 424 ✭✭TheBellJar


    Lorna123 wrote: »
    When you are not into a person you don't want them in your face but when you are you love having them around and nothing stands in the way of this.
    That might be how you feel about it, but based on my personal first hand experience it's not how I feel about it. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

    You can't speak for everyone.


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