My mother!

Ruth Murphy

I've never written anything down about this issue I'm having with my mother so I'm hoping it in itself is somewhat healing or cleansing but I'm always interested in hearing others opinions. I've my husband, in laws and friends 'done in' listening to me going on and on and on.
I don't know if its because I'm adopted or would we be like this if we were blood related. She doesn't listen to me, all our conversations are all about her life. People have said once I had children it would change but to be honest I think its worse. She also retired at the same time as my first son was born so lots of things were going on. She tells me I was never maternal when I was younger and is surprised I had children. Her friends told her I'd 'need' her once I had the baby because I didnt know what I was doing as she tells them. Turns out I didn't need her, it all clicked in and I survived!! I'm sure its a need to be 'needed' but as far as my memory goes, I always was independent because I felt like I had to deal with things myself. Don't get me wrong I had a lovely happy childhood. My dad was great for financial support if required but he was stressed at work when I was growing up so lots of arguing and he and I would clash. There's only me, mum and dad. He does care because if we did have a roaring match, he'd hand me a new pen for school or some stationery !!!! His way of showing he cared.
Some friends have said that maybe she's jealous that I could get pregnant and she couldn't. When I was pregnant on my first son, I heard some scary news in regards my pregnancy so I rang her. Dad said she was out and would ring later. Spent the night worried about my unborn baby with my husband as my support as usual. No word from her. Next day she rings in the afternoon, "didnt have any news to tell you so didnt ring". So I tell her my news. Next day she rings. Has been talking to her nurse friends and blah blah this that the other about my condition. I had to say for the first time in my life - I need you as my mother not as my nurse. I had my son she visits in the hospital and nearly her first words are "didnt want to tell you but your baby could have ha this that or the other" eh I'm holding a healthy baby no need for any of that thanks.
I don't know is it that she doesn't feel needed so she must tell me about all that she does to prove she's always active. She's 70 years old next year and her mother died when she was 73 so I bet its a factor in her head that she always has to keep going. All I hear about is what she has done with whom and where etc. and then goodbye and hangs up. Just about able to get in that my boys are well or not well! She lives 40 mins drive away so isn't available for babysitting. We don't have enough space for her to sleep over. I did ask her once when my son was a few months old to mind him in our house for the day and she did nothing I asked her to do, she did everything her own way! My husband was home to relieve her and he found bottles I had made up for her still in the fridge. Is it that I shouldn't know how to mind a baby or because I had no maternal feelings therefore I can't know and she's been there already. I've asked her what I was like when I was 2 or 3 or when did she see my allergies kicking in and her reply oh I don't know I can't remember. If you were in such need for a baby and adopted one I would have thought you'd remember everything. My mother in law has 4 children and has specifics on each of them.
My head is in a spin about it all. So much so I'm afraid to bring up the subject with anyone because it makes me think of it for hours. We visit on a Sunday and it takes me 3 days to get all my head stuff out after the visit. What she said and imagine she said that and then she did this .... All her friends have had their grand children stay over and have had them for weekends etc but we aren't flush with cash so we don't need her services that way and part of me thinks would she do what I asked her to do. My eldest son is 3.5 years now so at least he can tell her what he wants or doesn't want so in a year or two it might suit to send my boys to her but to be honest as she doesn't listen I don't trust her. Her response to me is you're shocking independent. You always suit yourself anyway. Which makes me feel so adopted because she should support this rather than make it a somewhat hindrance. Just because I don't think like her doesn't mean that my opinions or views are wrong but she makes me feel like that because its not her way! I don't know if I'm getting anything across but its mind blowing. There are soo many examples of things but I don't write them down because I'd get too upset reading them again. She puts me down all the time about my weight in very indirect ways but if my husband was with me on a visit she's totally different. There's no maternal grandmother in her. My boys get too much even though they don't and she doesn't buy clothes for them because I get hand me downs for them but sure what hurts to get some brand new clothes for a change.
She has been great helping us out with some financial issues in the past but then she takes ownership of the situation thinking I'm not capable of figuring out what required so its actually better to go broke and go into the red. Asked her for a loan of money to get a car, she wanted to get the details of the garage and owner etc even though we were able to get the money back to her within 4 weeks but we happened to be stuck at that point and suddenly it was like we were children and couldn't deal with anything. Hard to explain. Is she afraid of me growing up even though I'm nearly 40 and have been living out of their house 20 years. I got my own job my first car and lived in a flat supporting myself and not needing her , is it hard to suddenly have no need for support but in fairness I was very low maintenance as a teenager.
Its probably not coming across well as I can't get it said correctly from my head but would be interested to hear from others. She's wanted me to look for my natural parents even though I don't want to. She wants me to have mother daughter days Shopping and lunching which I have done but hate doing. Even went on holidays with her and felt like wrapping myself in a beach towel for the whole time because she said my boobs were too big or hips or or or. Actually classic one... My boyfriend and I decided to get married. We wanted no fuss no long engagement we had been together 10 years. Organised everything down to the day, time, location everything. My friends wife did my wedding dress as i hadn't a clue what would suit me and it was the dress maker that suggested mum come to a fitting. So I gave in.. Her first reaction to me showing her my dress was ... Maybe you should have lost weight! Dressmaker asked did I want a train from the back of my dress and mum replies it might rain and in fairness the dress maker said maybe it mightn't though either. Why did I bother. Came home and cried for about 2 hours!
I've tons of things In my head. Probably need to see a counsellor but just can't afford it so hence I'm here. I'd be interested to hear.

CaraMay

She sound like a lot of Irish mammy's - she has too much to say for herself and too many opinions. In saying that, you do seem very intend on portraying her as the she devil and I suspect there are two sides to every story.

Sounds like ye just dont click and thats nothing to do with you being adopted. I dont know how you expect a woman to remember what happened to her child almost 40 years ago unless it was a very significant event. I also see that you will take from her i.e. the car loan when you want but still slate her over her interest in it.

TBH you sound a bit immature and I suggest you give your mum a break and stop expecting her to be the answers to all your problems. I would also suggest you stop disrespecting her by giving out about her to all and sundry.

Ruth Murphy

Thanks for your opinion but I don't think she does sound like every Irish mammy because irish mammies have a soft side and mine doesn't. all my friends and even people who are close to my mother agree with me about her self centred ness and her lack of interest in others lives hence I'm feeling like one of the neighbours rather than her daughter. My mother in law can tell me things that happened her 45 year old daughter so I thought what with there only being one of me she might remember some significant events but it seems not. The car loan was asked for as a stop gap, its no interest to her what the money was being used for because she was getting it back. But in knowing her she wanted the details so she could throw it back at me if it hasn't of worked out. I've helped her out when she needed a stop gap and said nothing just did the deed. I'm certainly not immature because of the things I've had to deal with in life and I'm certainly not using her as my scapegoat only because one of her close friends has confided in me (and sharing with her my thoughts has been a good release before I implode) saying she has found her hard to warm to. So its not just me its just a shame I feel like this as her daughter. Anyway interesting to hear all the different opinions that can come out of this.

daisybelle2008

OP, I'm not surprised your friends and family are 'done-in' listening to you. In fact I think you have been over indulged into believing your mother is a 'problem'. What caramay said is true. You have very little to be complaining about. Your mother is an individual, stop comparing her disapprovingly to your MIL or whoever. It is ironic how critical you are of her but yet how defensive you are about her comments to you. Try looking at her as a flawed human being just like the rest of us and focus on her positives. Complaining about her seems to have become an addictive habit for you, that is actually a bigger issue for you than her. Nobody is perfect, try to have a little more compassion.
And I am not sure if you are really interested in all the opinions that come out here. I think you are running out of people to entertain you running her down and are looking for more ally's and justifying your negativity.
Really try to be honest with yourself OP. if you can't stop this and focus on improving your adult relationship with her then seriously think about cutting her off if you dislike her so much.

Merkin

From reading both your posts it genuinely seems like the problem may actually be you as opposed to your Mother.....sorry, but that's what I'm gleaning from the picture you've painted.

Chronic Button

I have a difficult mother. It's hard to explain the dynamic to people who have mothers who aren't constantly critical at every turn. It can destroy you.

The best advice I heard was to accept the mother I had, and stop wanting or expecting the mother I did not have. This helped.

Boundaries also helped.

When you start thinking endlessly about her criticisms, visualise a stop sign in your mind and switch your thoughts to another subject. And learn to like yourself, regardless of her negative comments!

midnight_train

It's hard, OP, but at least you have a mother in good health. Look at the big picture. My mother developed Alzheimer's when I was in my early 20s. 12 years later, she is well and truly gone as the mother I knew. I'd give anything to have her back. Yes, she drove me nuts at times but she was my mam, and I loved her.

People are not perfect, no one is. It's pointless comparing your mother to other people's mothers, believe me. I spent most of my 20s and early 30s comparing my mother to my friends' mothers. Pointless. They're different people, and my friends' mothers don't have a brain disease.

Not to sound morbid, but your mam will not be around forever. Set some boundaries, focus on her good points, appreciate her for what she is. When she is gone, you will miss her.

Cherish your life in the present. Life is a speedy and wonderful gift - don't waste it fretting over things you can't change. Appreciate what you have.

Esoteric_

I don't mean to be in any way rude, but you say that maybe she's not used to you needing her because you're supporting yourself and don't need her support, but well, actually you do because you've asked her for money for a car.

If someone asked me for money for a car, I'd want to know that they were getting it from a reputable dealer, too. I don't see how you can blame your mother for that, because if you get a car from a bad dealer, you'll end up having to ask her for a loan again to cover repairs. At least, that's what could be going through her head.

You said something about her not buying clothes for your kids because they have hand me downs. But um, it's not her job to do that! Sure, loads of grandparents spoil their kids, but it's not actually a requirement that she does that.

Being completely honest, the only thing I can see in your post that I'd have an issue with would be her comments on your weight. I'd call her out on that each and every single time she makes them because she has no right criticizing your weight.

Aside from that, though, I think you're being very harsh on her and expecting way too much from her.

Big Bag of Chips

Your mother is who she is. She is never going to be the person you want her to be. So comparing her to your MIL, or your friends' parents etc is futile.

She may not be very maternal herself, you may be very independent and its a combination of the 2 that has you where you are now.

My mother (and father) would do anything for me.. but I get bags and bags of hand-me-downs from my nephews.. I have NEVER thought, (until you mentioned it) that she should be buying new stuff!

This bit stuck out for me...

Ruth Murphy wrote: »

Just because I don't think like her doesn't mean that my opinions or views are wrong....

Just because she doesn't think like you doesn't mean that her opinions or views are wrong!

Sometimes when we clash with someone, everything they do or say can annoy us. Your mother annoys you, so its difficult for you to accept that she might have a valid opinion.

I think you need to step back a bit from your mother, and stop hoping she will change. She's 70... She's not going to change.

Do you love her (even though she frustrates the hell out of you)? If she were to die at 73, like your grandmother, would you miss her?

She sounds like she'd wear you down, to be honest... But I'm guessing she's equally frustrated by you, and how she perceives you go on!

Edit: I used to have 'my way' of doing things when my kids were small, particularly on my first. I cringe now when I think of the instructions I'd leave with my mother. (I'd say, so did she!) Sometimes she didn't do things 'my way'. But my kids were fine and always looked after. 'My way' is just one way, doesn't mean it's the right way, or the only way... My mother's way is another way, and equally hers isn't right, wrong or the only way either.

If she upsets you, pull her up on it when she comments about you.. let everything else go, because neither of you are wrong, or right.

I feel for you OP, it's tough to cope with someone who you want to be close with but you just aren't on the same page as.

Unfortunately there are only two real options. You can either reduce the amount of time you spend on her, to give yourself some peace, or you can learn to accept her the way she is and just not be bothered by the things she says.

There's no ultimate right or wrong here, just a mis-match of what you feel you need from her vs. what she's able to give you. You know how she is. Maybe the best thing to do is accept that she can't change and that you'll take her as she is. Just refuse to be annoyed by the things she does and don't let her get to you.

This might sound silly, but to be honest I noticed I'm always more annoyed by someone if I've bitched about them. While you're within your rights to want to talk to someone about her annoying you, it's not healthy for you, and it'll only magnify your frustration.

Just be above it. Don't let it get to you, don't talk about it, and after a while it will probably affect you a lot less.

You sound quite spoiled and overindulged, OP. You're 40, why on earth are you asking your mam for money? If you don't want her to comment and butt in, then don't ask her for loans and money to do things.

Maybe your mam is a bit self-centered but you can't change that. It's who she is. My mam tends to be the same way. I was having some serious health issues a few years ago and got little to no support from her (and I was only in my early twenties). She's just not good at that stuff, so I just gave up trying and leaned on my partner and close friends instead. There's no point in getting annoyed about it, I just have to focus on the positives.

LegacyUser

op i'm not going to judge what you wrote, but take this from someone who has a 'worse' mother than you, you have to let it go.

apart from her comments about your weight as someone else said, let it go.

so what if she doesn't buy your kids new clothes? so what if she doesn't do round the house what you tell her when she babysits? so what if she drives to to distraction every time she opens her mouth? just let it go.

if someone doesn't live up to your expectations you can be bitter and angry and have a sense of loss for what you think 'should' have been, and all those feelings are valid. but at some point in your life you have to shrug it off, let it go, focus on yourself and your own life and family.

it's taken me years and years and years to come to that point myself so i understand how easy it is to fall in the trap of reliving and re-remembering every single one of her transgressions over the years. but she's never going to change. and we can't change other people, we can only change our own reactions to them. it sounds like you'd be much better off mentally if you set some boundaries with her, stand up to her comments about your appearance, and let go of the rest. xx

You keep talking about how independent you are, and then complaining she doesn't babysit or she won't babysit the right way. Or that she doesn't live close enough to babysit. If you're so independent, make your own arrangements. You talk about how you always supported yourself but then you went to ask her for money and got angry that she didn't just write you a cheque and disappear.
I think you need to get over it tbh and stop feeling so entitled

Big Bag of Chips

OP, when she questioned you on the garage etc... Was it not just a conversation? If your friend asked you the same questions would you have been as annoyed, or would you see it as your friend just talking to you about it?

I know tone of voice can mean a lot. My own mother 'knows everything'. She tends to talk at us, rather than to us! But slowly we are training her!! And she's not quite as bad now.

Sometimes it can be difficult to have an adult relationship with your parents. She will always be your mother... But it's up to you to show her you are no longer her "child".

You need to behave like an adult around her. It takes more than being "independent". You give out about her.. a lot! You admit your family & friends are getting fed up of listening. I'd imagine your attitude to her when she talks about anything is like a bored teenager, because you are annoyed about having to listen to her.

I'm not saying it's easy, you are going to have to change how you react to her. Don't take her disagreeing with your views or opinions personally. You can agree to disagree on somethings. Neither of you are necessarily wrong, just different.

But if you continue to act like a chastised child around her, she's going to continue to treat you like one.

LegacyUser

Your post is all over the place. You claim you are ferociously independant, yet you go to her for a car loan, at 40 when you have a partner, that's a huge ask in my opinion. You again claim your independence yet are giving out because you want her to do all this stuff for you. You say you had a lovely happy childhood yet you argued with your father a lot, but he bought you stuff so it's okay. Do you equate happiness with financial status or stuff? Think you should go see a counsellor OP. If you spend 3 days torturing yourself after you have visited, why do you go, I mean it can't be for the kids if she has no interest in them? As for the weight comments, a bit nasty I guess, but what way is she saying it? I know if I put on weight and asked my mam she would be straight out with me if I had, which I prefer. Do you have a weight problem or is she just nit picking.

mashedbanana

Too may people are oh so quick to judge all the time! As a previous poster pointed out, unless they are at the butt of an abusive/over bearing/quite selfish parent...then they won't have a clue! They'll throw a lot un-grounded, un-researched, garbage at you to fill in the gaps. When what they really wanna say is 'Geez, I dunno, shur my mammy was okay with me, but I'll have a stab at the right answer anyways'

May I also just add, there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting (ya, that's cocking isn't it???) expecting, a mother to remember the different mile stones in her childs life. I was absolutely blessed with 3 beautiful children. To make it easier on myself, I wrote down, every now and again, in my baby book, the different important things that happened with all 3 of them. It was my babybook for my first child. I used it with all 3, and wrote in bits for all 3. It wasn't a big chore to do. If in time my kids have kids, I can tell them immediately all about themselves for reference issues (as 2 have problems, syndromes, brain seizures etc).

Some will think it's disgraceful that you OP are on here speaking about your mother, looking for advice, or just sound boarding. But don't worry about it, your not here to score brownie points, your here for a bit of guidance, with the hope that someone else has a mother like you, and yes..yes we do.

You will never be able to correctly analyse her, as no doubt she will wax & wane from day to day. It's good that you live a distance away, that will help you no end! She might never be the 'interested' mother you'll want her to be. That's a tough corner, I know. Continue to keep your distance, for your own sanity! keep it all civil with her, and just continue to concentrate on your own kids & hubby.

Ignore any jibes about you being spoilt, comments like that won't help you. I find that people use 'second hand cliches' to describe a situation, when in actuality they just don't know how to advise you. Sometimes we all might be better off to say nothing, then to purposely insult someone just so we can be seen to agree with someone else. OP came here for help, people forget that sometimes.

Esoteric_

Why do you assume that people judging the OP have no experience of an over-bearing mother? I certainly do, and I'm sure others have, too.

Lorna123

I just think that it is the age difference OP. You see things differently to a 70 year old woman and that's the bottom line. You would like your mother to be what you want her to be and she would like you to be what she wants you to be and neither of you can see that.

I have a daughter whom I love to bits but we fight all the time. I try my best to give her advice, comment on what she tells me etc. but I never seem to say the right thing. She tells me that she is angry every time she puts the phone down after speaking to me. Now let me tell you that in my opinion I say nothing wrong. If she tells me something I just tell her how I feel about it, but then she attacks me for saying the wrong thing. I don't get hurt about it because I just understand that this is how she sees it.

So my gut instinct here is that your mother probably senses that you are not too pleased with her and is trying to keep her distance in case she says the wrong thing. She can't do right for doing wrong.

I am sure she loves you to bits but you are two different individuals, of a different era and she just does not think like you.

I have a sister who never had children and she often says things about children that would horrify me, e.g. if she sees kids acting up she could say "they are little brats, I would not put up with that behaviour". Whereas my reaction would be I can see that they are just acting like kids do. My sister doesn't have the maternal instinct that I have and maybe the fact that your mother didn't have children of her own could mean that she doesn't have that motherly instinct that most mothers have, that seems to come with the hormones of giving birth. You have it because you had your own children but she adopted you. Not saying that she doesn't love you to bits but it is a different relationship.

On the one hand you want your mother to mother you and on the other hand you want to be treated as an independent adult.

All I can say is that I had a few difficulties with my own mother in her day, nothing serious though but looking back I can see that I didn't understand her at the time and my God I wish I had her back today so that I could shower all the love she deserved on her. I only understand her now looking back. We only come to our senses when it is too late, but my gut instinct is that you are just having normal exchanges with your mother and you probably won't realize it until it is too late. Don't take the whole thing too seriously, I am sure you both love one another and things will sort themselves out in the end. Nobody is perfect so don't expect too much.

mashedbanana

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Why do you assume that people judging the OP have no experience of an over-bearing mother? I certainly do, and I'm sure others have, too.

Well then you would be someone that I'm sure the OP would love to hear from. But posters telling her that 'it's not your mother, it's you' or 'your just spoilt', shur that's not helping her, or advising her is it?
My first emotion was pity, I felt sorry for her, knowing too well what it's like to have an over bearing & selfish mother. That would be a natural reaction from someone who has 'truly' experienced such a mother. I thought about the overall situation, maybe she came on here in a bit of a tizzy, and didn't really think everything through before posting it up. Maybe she left out a few bits, and was a bit weary from it all. All these things should be considered, before the tagging starts. ... That's what I meant.

Esoteric_

mashedbanana wrote: »

Well then you would be someone that I'm sure the OP would love to hear from. But posters telling her that 'it's not your mother, it's you' or 'your just spoilt', shur that's not helping her, or advising her is it?
My first emotion was pity, I felt sorry for her, knowing too well what it's like to have an over bearing & selfish mother. That would be a natural reaction from someone who has 'truly' experienced such a mother. I thought about the overall situation, maybe she came on here in a bit of a tizzy, and didn't really think everything through before posting it up. Maybe she left out a few bits, and was a bit weary from it all. All these things should be considered, before the tagging starts. ... That's what I meant.

I did post earlier in the thread. I think some people are being harsh, but if you get past the too-blunt aspects of it, some of the advice given is spot on.

mashedbanana

I agree some of the advice is good advice. But yes, some are being very harsh and I really feel there is no need for that. It's very insensitive.

daisybelle2008

mashedbanana wrote: »

Too may people are oh so quick to judge all the time! As a previous poster pointed out, unless they are at the butt of an abusive/over bearing/quite selfish parent...then they won't have a clue! They'll throw a lot un-grounded, un-researched, garbage at you to fill in the gaps. When what they really wanna say is 'Geez, I dunno, shur my mammy was okay with me, but I'll have a stab at the right answer anyways'

May I also just add, there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting (ya, that's cocking isn't it???) expecting, a mother to remember the different mile stones in her childs life. I was absolutely blessed with 3 beautiful children. To make it easier on myself, I wrote down, every now and again, in my baby book, the different important things that happened with all 3 of them. It was my babybook for my first child. I used it with all 3, and wrote in bits for all 3. It wasn't a big chore to do. If in time my kids have kids, I can tell them immediately all about themselves for reference issues (as 2 have problems, syndromes, brain seizures etc).

Some will think it's disgraceful that you OP are on here speaking about your mother, looking for advice, or just sound boarding. But don't worry about it, your not here to score brownie points, your here for a bit of guidance, with the hope that someone else has a mother like you, and yes..yes we do.

You will never be able to correctly analyse her, as no doubt she will wax & wane from day to day. It's good that you live a distance away, that will help you no end! She might never be the 'interested' mother you'll want her to be. That's a tough corner, I know. Continue to keep your distance, for your own sanity! keep it all civil with her, and just continue to concentrate on your own kids & hubby.

Ignore any jibes about you being spoilt, comments like that won't help you. I find that people use 'second hand cliches' to describe a situation, when in actuality they just don't know how to advise you. Sometimes we all might be better off to say nothing, then to purposely insult someone just so we can be seen to agree with someone else. OP came here for help, people forget that sometimes.

Instead of criticising other posters and their advice with absolutely no basis, you might consider that the posters including myself have not had the 'lovely' childhood and two caring parents that the OP describes. That the basis for advice is in fact having had experienced much worse including violence, mental illness, estrangement and worse and that the posters you are criticising for not having a clue in fact have trouble seeing what the OP's problem is because it is mild and innocuous by comparison.
And no we would not be better off saying nothing if it makes the OP realise she has a lot more to be grateful for than she realises. Especially those of us who have lost our mothers, no matter how they may have not measured up to some others, they did the best the could and when they are gone is when it's too late to appreciate the positives because I guarantee their failings look minor now and we would welcome them back failings and all.

Chronic Button

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Instead of criticising other posters and their advice with absolutely no basis, you might consider that the posters including myself have not had the 'lovely' childhood and two caring parents that the OP describes. That the basis for advice is in fact having had experienced much worse including violence, mental illness, estrangement and worse and that the posters you are criticising for not having a clue in fact have trouble seeing what the OP's problem is because it is mild and innocuous by comparison.
And no we would not be better off saying nothing if it makes the OP realise she has a lot more to be grateful for than she realises. Especially those of us who have lost our mothers, no matter how they may have not measured up to some others, they did the best the could and when they are gone is when it's too late to appreciate the positives because I guarantee their failings look minor now and we would welcome them back failings and all.

Really over-emotive and self-righteous and not helpful. How does this help the OP?

It's one thing to embrace the positives: it's quite another to be emotionally blackmailed with the "you'll be sorry you said this when they die" line. When my mother dies, she still will have been an abusive, aggressive woman.

I'm not saying that's how the OP's mother is, but the OP is looking for advice on handling their mother now, not platitudes about how they will long to have them back once they're dead.

mashedbanana

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Instead of criticising other posters and their advice with absolutely no basis, you might consider that the posters including myself have not had the 'lovely' childhood and two caring parents that the OP describes. That the basis for advice is in fact having had experienced much worse including violence, mental illness, estrangement and worse and that the posters you are criticising for not having a clue in fact have trouble seeing what the OP's problem is because it is mild and innocuous by comparison.
And no we would not be better off saying nothing if it makes the OP realise she has a lot more to be grateful for than she realises. Especially those of us who have lost our mothers, no matter how they may have not measured up to some others, they did the best the could and when they are gone is when it's too late to appreciate the positives because I guarantee their failings look minor now and we would welcome them back failings and all.

Well then why bother even commenting on the OP's question if it's all so 'mild & innocuous by comparison' to what others may have experienced. Surely it's relative to the individual. It's important to her, and that's what matters? Cos if that's not the case then no one would come to Boards and ask a question.

mashedbanana

mashedbanana wrote: »

Well then you would be someone that I'm sure the OP would love to hear from. But posters telling her that 'it's not your mother, it's you' or 'your just spoilt', shur that's not helping her, or advising her is it?
My first emotion was pity, I felt sorry for her, knowing too well what it's like to have an over bearing & selfish mother. That would be a natural reaction from someone who has 'truly' experienced such a mother. I thought about the overall situation, maybe she came on here in a bit of a tizzy, and didn't really think everything through before posting it up. Maybe she left out a few bits, and was a bit weary from it all. All these things should be considered, before the tagging starts. ... That's what I meant.

OP came here for advice, not to be mollycoddled and for everyone to say 'aww, poor you'. You're the one who seems to have missed the point. Her mother might well be an overbearing, mean old shrew, but what's the point in dwelling on that? She's the mother OP has and she isn't going to change at the age of 70! But the OP can change how she deals with her and she can change her own behaviour. Her attitude on here comes across as extremely entitled for a woman of almost 40. If you don't want your parents interfering in your life, then don't ask them to help you out. You can't have it all ways. The problem rarely is 100% one person and instead of criticising her mother to all and sundry, it might be beneficial for OP to realise where she's going wrong too.

LegacyUser

look, my mother physically and emotionally abused me to the point where i was heading out into adulthood a broken, broken person and it's a constant battle to regain some ground with what i'm left with. in comparison to mine, the op's childhood sounds like gravy. my point still stands though, at some point there has to be a certain amount of adult acceptance that you can't change people. you just can't. you have to stand up for yourself and get on with your life and stop grieving for what never was and never will be.

i do hope though that what i wrote doesn't come across as judging the OP unfairly. i kind of agree with mashedbanana in that sometimes people use harsh words here sometimes, but as others have said, you have to come into this forum with the expectation that not everyone will agree with you.

Queen-Mise

Chronic Button wrote: »

It's one thing to embrace the positives: it's quite another to be emotionally blackmailed with the "you'll be sorry you said this when they die" line. When my mother dies, she still will have been an abusive, aggressive woman.

One of my friend's mother's died just before Xmas. He had looked after her for the last 7 years, as she needed 2/47 care. She was mid 80s when she died but was always an incredibly difficult woman. Age never mellowed her.
He said to me on Monday - that he couldn't honestly say that he missed her because she was a nightmare as a mother, and was horrid to all the kids/everyone her whole life. She was a very aggressive, hard, critical woman her entire life.


OP - accept your mam as she is. Stop analysing everything she says/what you think she meant/what you thought she meant or what she might have meant. If she says something horrid - say it was horrid, and that is not a nice thing to say.
She may be utterly wrong and you may be 100% right but it still doesn't change the situation. She is not going to change - so you change how you deal with her. Stop giving her so much more power over your thoughts.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP. The nature of this forum means the majority of the time there will be a range of advice on topics - making assumptions about other posters on the basis of their advice is not helpful.

If anyone has an issue with a post or poster please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

username123

OP - I suggest you do speak to a counsellor or professional. Even the length of your post shows that you are spending way too much head space on this issue - plus things like your mind being a whirl for 3 days after a visit - its not healthy for you to be so mentally wrapped up like that.

This isnt a "your mother is grand, you are the problem" or "your mother is not grand, she is the problem" situation as I see it. Rarely is life so black and white!

Instead it seems to me like you have come to a place where you find your relationship with your mother to be dysfunctional, you are experiencing resentment, you feel her behaviour is selfish, there seem to be boundary issues (money, weight comments etc..) and this is causing you considerable mental distress - which is what you need to deal with.

Well, the truth is, you cant change someone else, you can only work on yourself. So you need to examine why you allow your mother to press your buttons as she does, why you feel the need to pursue a relationship with someone who annoys you so much, why you feel so judgemental towards her, why you still feel its appropriate to go to her for money at your age and stage of life, why you want so much for her to be someone different.

The last bit is important. You are unable to accept her as she is right now, what in you is causing that? There is some unfulfilled need you have, and you are projected this lack of fulfillment onto your mother and expecting her to measure up - then she doesnt, you get upset, the cycle continues.

Maybe you have to have a different kind of relationship with her, with clearer boundaries, less contact, less expectation?

I think you need to do some work on yourself, some self reflection, perhaps some reading up on the dynamics of dysfunctional families (sometimes educating yourself on the subject demystifies it and gives you some measure of control back), talk to a professional, and hopefully find some peace within yourself.

Best of luck.

mashedbanana

Well I still think that her question was very important to her, her situation is dragging her down and obviously affecting her. It seems others may feel that it's not 'that' big a deal. It looks like she is a the start of realising/recognising the issues she has with her mother. We all have to start somewhere with the healing process no? It shouldn't be a 'shut up & put up with' situation surely. Op, your gonna go through an awful lot of up's & down's, with this. Some days are gonna be grand, others not so good. When you get that eureka moment that you don't need/want the validation of a disconnected mother, it's then you'll really start to feel better.

I agree with some of the previous advice about her lend you a few quid. Don't put your hand in the dogs mouth again, would be my best advice to you on that score. (mind you, I have friends, who parents are in their 60/70's who have said time & time again, 'never be stuck for a few quid, cos we know you have a family & a mortgage', it's all relative really, depending on the family/mother, and the finances)

Continue to 'do your own thing', and I wish you the best of luck.

Rosy Posy

Ruth Murphy wrote: »

When I was pregnant on my first son, I heard some scary news in regards my pregnancy so I rang her. Dad said she was out and would ring later. Spent the night worried about my unborn baby with my husband as my support as usual. No word from her. Next day she rings in the afternoon, "didnt have any news to tell you so didnt ring". So I tell her my news. Next day she rings. Has been talking to her nurse friends and blah blah this that the other about my condition. I had to say for the first time in my life - I need you as my mother not as my nurse. I had my son she visits in the hospital and nearly her first words are "didnt want to tell you but your baby could have ha this that or the other" eh I'm holding a healthy baby no need for any of that thanks.

Apart from the weight comments this really stood out for me in the OP. I wouldn't treat a stranger or a friend this way, never mind a daughter. The lack of empathy is astounding. I wonder if it is as your friends suggest, something to do with her not having biological children and with your children not being her biological grandchildren? It may be that she has had to swallow the bitter pill of seeing her friends go through pregnancy and birth without being able to experience it herself. Also if she hasn't experienced it its possible that she isn't aware of the emotional space that you occupy in that time. Is she at all open to discussing any of this with you? It sounds like you might both be able to benefit from some kind of support group if she is willing to admit that she is suffering from some kind of grief around childbearing. I could be way off the mark mind but it would be a conversation worth having. Before you can go there OP I think that you need to become more strong and sure in yourself and if you can at all arrange to have some kind of counselling or support group it would be so beneficial to you.

All the best, OP.

Neyite

OP, if you can, have a read of a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I think you'll find great tools to help you in this situation. You ultimately cannot change her, you can only change your expectations of her and how you interact with her. You get your hopes up what she cannot naturally give you and get hurt when she inadvertently dashes them on you. But what you must understand is that YOU are the one projecting qualities on her that she simply does not possess.

I've been there - not with my mother, but another close relative. Once I accepted we would never have the kind of relationship that I hoped for, I began to adjust and only see the relationship we had. And I stopped expecting that we would be close, that that person would show love and warmth.

You know she has no empathy, so stop expecting it, you know she will call the shots if you ask for a loan, so go without if you need to. It is absolutely ok to have regrets that you dont have the warm motherly type of relationship. She is the one ultimately missing out. I know you are hurting, but when you stop expecting, you dont get hurt as much.

Some of the things you have listed are valid, others, like the time where she did everything her way when she minded your baby is something that some of the best mammies do, and is just a "mammy" thing. Likewise, I'm not sure if your adoption is any factor, I think its just her personality.

Ruth Murphy

hi there, thanks for everyone who replied - what a diverse amount of opinions and advice. firstly i did post with my head in a tizzy which probably came across as being spoilt but i had had enough of the situation and was ranting in ways. like a previous poster mentioned the tone of your voice says a lot and my writing was the same idea.
thank you - i do need to step back and let it wash over me - i have tried in the past and done well but then a situation arises and back it goes - annoying me again - as someone mentioned earlier, i am weary from it. i totally understand that she is not 100% to blame, i would never have thought that, but she lives in a bubble and cant see the world around her life. sounds harsh but its true. she changes opinions to suit the situations and when you bring it up that her opinion has changed, she point blankly denies it - how am i suppose to know where to stand with that. i sometimes stand with my mouth wide open in amazement from the realisation that she has done it again. its hard to keep hearing the bad things all the time, i never get praise so it does get you down eventually - its human.
i think its natural to want to feel loved by your own mother hence my adoption makes me feel, adopted because its like i have to work at being loved when it should be unconditional. although i appreciate her opinions are her own, she needs to understand that mine are my own. and thats never happened. i have fought hard for what i want in life because its odd and not the norm and different - so you start believing you are all these things then.
i am grateful for what i have - because of my adoption who can tell where i could have turned up - so i know it more than most, about how lucky i am. Also, my aunt died when i was young and i watch my cousins lives and it comes home to me again.
in regards my car loan - i didnt ask for it this year - it was a good few years ago - and if it hadnt of worked out i was certainly not going to go back to her and ask her to fix it. it was me asking for my mothers help and she gives me the third degree - yes it was her money but i knew i would have it back to her hence she gave me the money as a stop gap.
Narcissistic personality seems to be rallied around here and after looking up the definition it rings true of my mother. all i can do is as everyone says, step back, accept who she is and although its hard, grin and bare it. thanks for every ones feedback i do appreciate it.

Lorna123

A thought just struck me and I could be wrong but because you are adopted could you have this unrealistic idea of a birth mother and have her up on a pedestal and any shortcomings your present mother has are now being magnified. Are you a little bit insecure because you are adopted and unless your mother is pouring love on you all the time you think she is not an ideal mother. This is just a thought OP but I could be on the wrong track altogether.

mashedbanana

Ruth Murphy wrote: »

hi there, thanks for everyone who replied - what a diverse amount of opinions and advice. firstly i did post with my head in a tizzy which probably came across as being spoilt but i had had enough of the situation and was ranting in ways. like a previous poster mentioned the tone of your voice says a lot and my writing was the same idea.
thank you - i do need to step back and let it wash over me - i have tried in the past and done well but then a situation arises and back it goes - annoying me again - as someone mentioned earlier, i am weary from it. i totally understand that she is not 100% to blame, i would never have thought that, but she lives in a bubble and cant see the world around her life. sounds harsh but its true. she changes opinions to suit the situations and when you bring it up that her opinion has changed, she point blankly denies it - how am i suppose to know where to stand with that. i sometimes stand with my mouth wide open in amazement from the realisation that she has done it again. its hard to keep hearing the bad things all the time, i never get praise so it does get you down eventually - its human.
i think its natural to want to feel loved by your own mother hence my adoption makes me feel, adopted because its like i have to work at being loved when it should be unconditional. although i appreciate her opinions are her own, she needs to understand that mine are my own. and thats never happened. i have fought hard for what i want in life because its odd and not the norm and different - so you start believing you are all these things then.
i am grateful for what i have - because of my adoption who can tell where i could have turned up - so i know it more than most, about how lucky i am. Also, my aunt died when i was young and i watch my cousins lives and it comes home to me again.
in regards my car loan - i didnt ask for it this year - it was a good few years ago - and if it hadnt of worked out i was certainly not going to go back to her and ask her to fix it. it was me asking for my mothers help and she gives me the third degree - yes it was her money but i knew i would have it back to her hence she gave me the money as a stop gap.
Narcissistic personality seems to be rallied around here and after looking up the definition it rings true of my mother. all i can do is as everyone says, step back, accept who she is and although its hard, grin and bare it. thanks for every ones feedback i do appreciate it.

Ya, Narcissism is quite common, and there is one (in particular)maybe two at a push, that really really know their stuff about this PD. You can find the tracks of their work easily on line. In one of my own earlier posts to your question, I made a reference to her behaviour 'waxing & waning' and this NPD is what I was actually eluding to. But I didn't say it out right. The lack of empathy & emotion in such a person is absolutely astounding to those of us who would lay down our life for the ones we love. (Unless of course the love & attention is directed at them...that's a different kettle of fish)

Once you get our hands on some really good reading material, as a previous poster advised, it'll all fall into place. (I'd bet my bottom dollar on that one) best of luck to you!

Ruth Murphy

Thanks mashed banana. Ill start researching. Oddly its a comfort to have a label or just knowledge that its not just me or my mind doing tricks.
Lorna123 I think if I was interested in standards, I would have started my search for my natural mother. Through all this I don't want to hurt my mother and hence I shut up and put up because she is terrible at taking offensive. I suited myself once and not her and my dad text to say mum was bitterly disappointed. Disappointed because her plans were upset yet I should be allowed cancel because my son wasn't well and hasn't slept well that night. So lots of examples. To be totally honest I don't think of my natural mother at all... I just feel adopted. Or like the black sheep. Anyway enough... Thanks for all your thoughts

Big Bag of Chips

But Ruth, you have to accpet that you are enabling her a bit! So what if she was bitterly disappointed?! You had good reason to cancel whatever it was you cancelled. If you jump to your mother's tune all the time so as to avoid upsetting her or confrontation with her, then of course it's going to come as a shock when it happens, and she's going to feel like she has a right to be annoyed at you. Because you allow her to be annoyed at you!

But the more you suit yourself and say "Sorry, I can't today - it doesn't suit/I need to be somewhere/do something..." the more she will get used to not calling the shots.

As I have gotten older, and had kids I suit myself much much more. If I can't go somewhere or do something, I don't do it. I spent a lot of my time stressing myself out and sweating buckets trying to please others. But as I get older, I don't care as much! I have had people in my life who would have their nose out of joint because I wouldn't drop everything to do something with them... but you know what, they always got over it!

Start suiting yourself. Start being confident in the choices and decisions you make. Once you are confident about something, nobody can make you feel bad about it (as much as they may try )

mashedbanana

Ruth Murphy wrote: »

Thanks mashed banana. Ill start researching. Oddly its a comfort to have a label or just knowledge that its not just me or my mind doing tricks.
Lorna123 I think if I was interested in standards, I would have started my search for my natural mother. Through all this I don't want to hurt my mother and hence I shut up and put up because she is terrible at taking offensive. I suited myself once and not her and my dad text to say mum was bitterly disappointed. Disappointed because her plans were upset yet I should be allowed cancel because my son wasn't well and hasn't slept well that night. So lots of examples. To be totally honest I don't think of my natural mother at all... I just feel adopted. Or like the black sheep. Anyway enough... Thanks for all your thoughts

Definitely having an understanding of what your dealing with is half the battle. It is certainly comforting, simply cos you know it's not 'all' in your head. Your not a nutcase! I'm in the process myself of licking my wounds from my own rearing, and ya, there are STILL days I might ring a sibling and bend her ear about it all. STILL trying to justify it! but they are on the very bad days! Anyway, talking and trashing it out with people is the best therapy you can get. Some folk swear by a therapist, but don't forget, your paying them to nod & shake their head in the right places! I would suggest a good friend, the kitchen table, and a pot of tea! ( Oh! and a roll of toilet paper for the tears!) xo

Ruth Murphy

thanks big bag of chips - i have certainly done more cancelling these days but again the only child in me makes me have guilt that incase something happens her or my dad, i havent spent those last few hours or days or I caused grief because I suited myself. i dont know if its an only child thing or an inner feeling from my childhood. but i am certainly trying my best to change but the guilt is a shocking thing.
thanks mashed banana i have drunk a lot of pots of tea in my time so thanks for that advice. and i'll remember the toilet paper....

Big Bag of Chips

Being an only child does bring it's own added burdens, I suppose!
I know it's not easy.. but you should be able to find a balance that suits both of you. You don't need to cut her out completely. But you don't have to put up with her being nasty to you, whether she's doing it deliberately or not. I can't imagine that she is specifically setting out to upset you.

As an aside, I was laughing with my friend the other day saying I can't wait to become a cranky aul wan taking the ankles off people with my tartan shopping trolley! Like I said - in my younger days (I'm not even that old!) I would have been very conscious of other people's feelings, even putting them ahead of my own, maybe doing things I didn't really want to rather than upsetting someone by turning them down, that sort of thing. But the older I get the less I care about others (iykwim!) So I've calculated by the time I get to 70 I will be an absolute wagon with little or no tolerance for anyone but myself!!

My poor children, and their families