Coping with the end of an affair.

LegacyUser

Not so long ago I made the hard decision to end a really tough affair with someone who I thought loved and supported me. I heeded the advice I was told at the time - follow your moral compass, he's using you, forget about the turd of a married man, get out there, meet new people, throw yourself into other things and minimize the contact with the person involved etc. Thing is - i'm still hurting like hell. All sorts of emotions are buzzing around in my head all the time and its really difficult to try and keep a hold on my moodswings.

Somedays I feel really strong like I can take on the world - I'm engrossed with other friends, work and whatnot. I'm busy and everything seems more bearable and manageable. I almost laugh and look back at fondness at what happened and can view it as a learning curve.

Other days its an entirely different kettle of fish - usually when i'm alone and have time to myself to mull and stew - all of it comes cascading back. The intensity of the moments we had together, the conversations where I thought we ''connected'' on such a deep level, anger at the thought of himself going home to wife and child playing happy families like nothing ever happened (resisting the urge to tell the wife out of spite and ruin a marriage)... it's a mixture of loneliness, desperation for having that intimacy once more with someone who does love me (and feeling like i'm not worthy or ever going to find that love from someone who wants to be with me), and resisting the urge to contact him again.

I guess i'm grieving for the loss of a really dear friend, and also the affection he showed me. Has anyone here been through a similar experience and come out the other side? Tips on coping with the crap that follows getting involved with someone who's attached? I'm hurting so much and I can't see any end in sight.

hoodwinked

as awful as it is now, concentrate on you, only you, do nice things for yourself spoil yourself rotten, and just push through until you come out the otherside and you will, time and distance are wonderful things...

he wasn't a dear friend, he was a married man looking for a bit on the side. if he wasn't he would have left the wife for you.



don't go telling his wife, thats up to him to do, if he continues to live a lie then thats on him you should have nothing more to do with either of them.



good luck and remember it always gets better with time.

CaraMay

I personally would tell his wife. She needs to know the kind of man she is sleeping with and what he is capable of. I don't see why he gets off Scot free.

As for you op, there is no shortcut here. You just go day by day.

Catkins407

In a man capable of so much deceit how do you know he really meant anything he said and the connection was both ways. He was never yours you only had a part share in him and he didn't think enough of you to give you more than that. Just move on. It takes time and soon you will have way more good days then bad days. Learn from it and stay away from two timing men. They only want their cake and eat it and don't really seem to care if they hurt both women involved and children caught in the crossfire. Looking back sometimes we tend to view things through rosé tinted glasses. Remember he kept going back to his wife after each time he was with you.

username123

I wouldnt be telling his wife - for a number of reasons. You would only be doing it for revenge and not for any concern for the woman herself, you certainly didnt consider telling her while you were involved with him so why now? No matter what you think, you dont know the details of anyone elses marriage, she may know about his infidelities and choose to turn a blind eye. You were happy to ruin the marriage by sleeping with him, no point in taking the moral high ground now and just wanting to ruin it because you cant have him either. Its none of your business. She isnt your friend, do you think she would appreciate you coming along to tell her you slept with her husband?

Other than that you can just treat it like any other break up. In terms of the emotions involved its not really that different because he was married - your friends knew about him, so you dont have to suffer in silence. Breaking up is hard to do and all that, spoil yourself, see friends, stay busy.

Lorna123

Congratulations on doing the right thing, i.e. breaking up with this guy. It will take at least a year for you to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms from this relationship. It is only natural that you will have days when you would like to just fall back into your old ways and be with him again because that would be the easy option. Don't take it because it would only lead to more trouble and heartache. The best way to heal is just to go through the present heartache until it wears off and you come out the other side ready for new beginnings.

You were never going to get anywhere with that married man and you were wasting your good years with him. Your friends are right he was only using you for kicks. It would never have lead anywhere.

It is normal to have withdrawal symptoms when a relationship ends and these symptoms will last until you get over it. It can take months so be prepared, but it is worth it in the long run because you will be rid of this man out of your life and will be ready for a decent relationship.

Queen-Mise

Only one tip really.

Give yourself ten minutes sitting on the sofa and absolutely immerse yourself in the feelings, drown in them, be they anger, sadness, loss, grief, betrayal, etc.
And then put them back in the box again until the next time you do it. This puts you in control of the feelings.


Time really is the only thing that will heal your heart.