Temptation to Cheat?

SusieBlue

Do any ladies here have any experience with feeling the temptation to cheat on their partner? I'm struggling a lot and I feel like a terrible person but I can't help it.

I've been with my OH for 4 years, though we've been on and off for about 6 years. We're both 21. We live together and have done for about a year or so. We've talked about marriage and we already have one daughter, who was born sleeping. He's a wonderful man, and I love him, I really do. I'm just not sure I'm "in love" with him any more. I've had these feelings for a while but I've only recently acknowledged them.

I'm good friends with a guy I work with and he showers me with attention. He flirts with my ruthlessly, has proposed to me on a staff night out (jokingly, but still). He addresses me by HIS last name because he says I'm the girl he's going to marry. He buys me things - Nothing major, but for example, I once mentioned that I loved white hot chocolate and the next day he brought one into work for me.

He bought me 2 tickets for my favourite singer out of the blue, and didn't even expect me to ask him along. He's thoughtful and tells me I'm pretty all the time. He tells me I'm too good for my boyfriend. He's always messing and joking with me, he picks me up all the time and gives me hugs. He's also absolutely gorgeous which doesn't make it any easier. He's been chasing me for about 8-9 months now which makes me think that if he were just after one thing he'd have gotten bored and given up by now.

He's also very, very protective of me, its actually quite unnerving. I work in a club and dealing with inappropriate customers is part of the package. A random male customer tried to grope me last week and I'm surprised he wasn't fired he reacted so badly, he full on punched him in the face.

I have serious self confidence issues, I'm a size 12 which I'm not happy at all with but he makes me feel so good about myself.

My boyfriend and I barely speak, he's out all the time with his friends, clubbing or going to matches or just at his friends houses. He ignores me most of the time. I don't feel like he ever properly grieved for our daughter and lately he's been refusing to talk about her with me. It feels like we're just putting up with each other for the sake of it.

I don't know how much longer I can resist my work friend, I have very strong feelings for him and I'm not sure how much longer I can resist him.

Have any ladies here been in this kind of situation? I don't know what to do, if I should call it quits with my OH or just ignore my work friend. I'm very confused.

Addle

What is stopping you from breaking up with your current boyfriend?

Even if you didn't think another guy is interested in you, you don't read like you're happy with what you've got.

xLexie

If you're not happy in your current relationship just leave.

Jesus Christ

Bit harsh there.

It sounds like your boyfriend is having trouble dealing with loss. Fixing that could fix the other communication problems. Try talking to him again, not just about your loss but about him and how it's affecting your relationship, and what can be done to fix that. If he won't talk to you, ask him to talk to someone else about it, with you or without you. If that doesn't work THEN maybe it's time to talk about a breakup.

Cheating is the lazy, nasty way out. Fix or tie up what you have first, put the other guy out of your mind until that's done.

Wibbs

More suited to here WhiteRoses

daisybelle2008

Hi OP, what is stopping you breaking up with your boyfriend? You have given a lot of information here but I don't see that anywhere. Looks like ye don't have much in common, so at 21 years of age I am at a loss to why you wouldn't just split up.
You mention confidence issues maybe that is it. One word of warning about your work guy. He sounds a bit unstable, I mean punching someone full in the face to 'protect' you.
There is a thin line between 'protective' and 'jealous' pocessive maniac. All this over the top full on behaviour while he knows you are with someone else sounds a bit off to me. If it was a woman she'd be called a bunny boiler. The last name and marriage proposal thing is frankly weird. Like he sees you as his to own. You might be flattered and feel you need 'rescuing' due to your confidence and relationship issues. But be careful about jumping into something with him. I'd get major alarm bells from his behaviour. Far too full on. Sort out your relationship. You don't 'have' to be in a relationship. You have had a lot to deal with, some single time will do you good.

Esoteric_

Think long and hard, OP.

If the work guy wasn't in the equation, would you want to work things out with your boyfriend?

There's every chance your boyfriend is grieving too, but in a different way.

At the end of the day, you shouldn't cheat. It's wrong to your boyfriend and it's wrong to the new guy, and since he seems to like you so much now, would he really want to go out with someone he knows is a cheater?

You have to decide what you want. Maybe the spark is just gone from your relationship, that can be brought back. But do you want to fix it?

You have to choose between both, and if you do decide to dump your boyfriend, I wouldn't go jumping into things with the new guy either. You need time out and you also need to remember that dumping your boyfriend doesn't automatically mean this new guy will be your boyfriend, as you don't actually know his intentions.

Herrick

WhiteRoses wrote: »

He addresses me by HIS last name because he says I'm the girl he's going to marry.


He's also very, very protective of me, its actually quite unnerving. I work in a club and dealing with inappropriate customers is part of the package. A random male customer tried to grope me last week and I'm surprised he wasn't fired he reacted so badly, he full on punched him in the face.

I'd be wary of this work guy, he sounds like a closet lunatic to be quite honest. If you were to start seeing him I'd bet the house he'll be punching any fella that he thinks is taking a fancy to you, or you for even talking to them.

Edit: Actually you even say you are unnerved by his over protectiveness, but yet your still tempted by him?

Herrick

I'd also rec you and your bf go to couples counselling and try to get him to open up about your loss. I think the only reason your tempted by your friend is he is giving you what you bf isn't, affection and attention. If your bf gave you this how would you feel?

Stavro Mueller

There are two issues here. The first being that your home situation isn't the best and needs to be sorted. It might be that this relationship has run its course. You're still only 21 and have been through a lot. The loss of a child can put enormous pressure on even the most stable of relationships. You've also been together since you were very young and through the years when people can change a lot and find themselves. Maybe the situation can be retrieved or perhaps it's time to draw a line under things and get on with your life.

As for work guy...hmm. You're playing with fire here. He sounds a bit "off" to me too. And it's not always a good idea to mix business with pleasure if you know what I mean.

daisybelle2008

Herrick wrote: »

I'd be wary of this work guy, he sounds like a closet lunatic to be quite honest. If you were to start seeing him I'd bet the house he'll be punching any fella that he thinks is taking a fancy to you.

Edit: Actually you even say you are unnerved by his over protectiveness, but yet your still tempted by him?

Or punching you for looking at other fellas . Anyone who uses violence to resolve situations is too be avoided in my book. I personally don't have experience with someone that possessive and full on as it is a complete turn off for me but I know there are a good few posters in RI who have and their experience doesn't paint a good picture for how things pan out.

Jesus Christ

Herrick wrote: »

Edit: Actually you even say you are unnerved by his over protectiveness, but yet your still tempted by him?

If a certain amount of Ladies weren't attracted to "hard men", there would be no hard men...

Chattastrophe!

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I don't know what to do, if I should call it quits with my OH or just ignore my work friend.

Frankly, my advice would be both. Not one or the other.

You're 21, you've been with your boyfriend a few years, and it seems it hasn't worked out. There's no shame in admitting this - you're a different person now than you were when you were 17, and you'll be a different person again by the time you're 25. If you say the two of you never talk; that you're just putting up with each other for the sake of it; it really doesn't seem like much of a relationship at all.

And the solution is not to jump into another relationship. Stay away from the guy at work; avoid any relationship for quite a while. It sounds like you need to learn what it's like to be an independent adult on your own, as opposed to one half of a couple. It will do you absolutely no good to jump from one relationship directly into another.

Forget about the work guy - consider your current relationship, just you and your boyfriend, as it is. If it's worth trying and fighting for, do that. If you don't feel it's worth that, do the right thing and end it.

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ wrote: »

If a certain amount of Ladies weren't attracted to "hard men", there would be no hard men...

Yes it's the womans fault.

Even if it's the man's fault, it's really the womans fault when you get down to it.:rolleyes:

Herrick

Jesus Christ wrote: »

If a certain amount of Ladies weren't attracted to "hard men", there would be no hard men...

Except this fella comes across as nutjob compared to a "hard man"

LegacyUser

Hmm, I know from experience and from speaking to a lot of my friends about this is that even if you love someone deeply, desire itself starts to fade after time. (Possibly not for everyone, just everyone I've asked). Relationships need to continual work so are you going to work on yours? You can be in love with someone, genuinely think the world of them but still be tempted by someone else. When that happens, if it happens, you need to evaluate whether it's worth ending your relationship or working on it?

The other guy is a disaster waiting to happen, even if you break up with your partner. I'm sure he has loads of good points but from the brief bit you've said he sounds way too needy and way to clingy for what you need.

Jesus Christ

Candie wrote: »

Yes it's the womans fault. Even if it's the man's fault, it's really the womans fault when you get down to it.:rolleyes:

Fantastic conclusion-jump, well done.

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ wrote: »

If a certain amount of Ladies weren't attracted to "hard men", there would be no hard men...

So if women weren't attracted to them, they wouldn't exist. Right.

Candie wrote: »

Yes it's the womans fault.

Even if it's the man's fault, it's really the womans fault when you get down to it.:rolleyes:

Jesus Christ wrote: »

Fantastic conclusion-jump, well done.

You made it easy.


OP, don't leave for the work guy because you'll just be exchanging one set of problems for another. I know the attention is nice, but being overwhelmed by this guy is the last thing you need. Leave for yourself, no other reason is needed.

Neyite

Jesus Christ & Candie, lets leave the off-topic debate about hard men there please or take it to PM. It is irrelevant and of no help to the OP.

Apologies.

username123

Wow OP, I wouldnt go near the violent guy, absolutely no way.

If you are not happy in your current relationship, why not just break up? Why do you stay in the relationship, you dont sound like you are getting anything out of it?

And you are so young, you should be off having the time of your life with different guys and not getting tied down at your age. You are with the same person since you were only 15 - I just think you are missing a lot of fun to be had in life. And you need to experience how to be happy on your own as well, thats a healthy thing for any woman to do.

IrishEyes19

It doesnt sound like you and your boyfriend have much in common any more. Just dont cheat. that would be low and I think you know that. Also no one really picked up on the size 12 comment. you need to get more self esteem. size 12 is quite normal for a lot of women depending on height and other factors. dont go jumping from one person to another just because he makes you feel good. you need to feel this way by yourself beforehand. this guy sounds too full on and disrespectful, OP. you are in a relationship, his behaviour is inappropriate.

Pippy1976

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

There is a thin line between 'protective' and 'jealous' pocessive maniac. All this over the top full on behaviour while he knows you are with someone else sounds a bit off to me. If it was a woman she'd be called a bunny boiler. The last name and marriage proposal thing is frankly weird. Like he sees you as his to own. You might be flattered and feel you need 'rescuing' due to your confidence and relationship issues. But be careful about jumping into something with him. I'd get major alarm bells from his behaviour. Far too full on. Sort out your relationship.

I totally agree with this. Your colleague's behaviour, whilst it may seem like fun / games / harmless flirting, is really bizarre.

He knows you're in a relationship and living with your partner. This guy needs to back off to give you time to sort that aspect of your life out first. It's extremely presumptuous to be addressing you in the manner he is. If it was me I would be turned off by this.

Don't get caught up in flattery... it could lead to nothing. As mentioned above, sort your relationship out first before getting caught of in this guy's over-the-top flirtatious behaviour.

*Just a side note: some people act this way in the comfort of knowing it's not going anywhere. As soon as this guy realises he could have you if you were single he might get freaked out. Be careful.

Big Bag of Chips

You are so young to have been through so much. You are with your bf, effectively since you were 15. Kids.

Life changes and people change.

What you need to do is sit down together, and see what you both think is happening. Maybe you are still together because you 'just are'. Or maybe you both will realise that you want to be together forever, and that you've both just drifted apart over time.

The other fella... Take him out of the picture entirely for the moment. Let him know you have a bf and the way he acts around you is inappropriate for that. Does your bf know about him? Does he know all the things he says/does for you?

If you are keeping some of it quiet from your bf, then you know it's not right.

It's so easy to get flattered by attention when it is missing from home. But you need to try fix what's at home first (if you think that's what you want)

You ask is it ok to cheat, which makes me think that you don't want to break up with your bf....... Why?

If you can answer that question honestly, then you will know what's best to do.

LegacyUser

op i suspect the guy at work is playing games. or otherwise he is too protective and something is up with him. do you actually like him? i suspect you feel vulnerable at this time and under different circumstances you mightnt feel the same about him.

you have have a good thing with your boyfriend either stay with him or leave him if need be but forget about the other guy

SusieBlue

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't seem to bring myself to let my boyfriend go, for many reasons.
I feel like he is my last living tie to my daughter, he is pretty much all I have left of her besides a cold headstone. He does care about me, and when he's in good form, he's the most wonderful man.
I think he's depressed. I've only recently come out of a bad bout of depression and he was there for me every step of the way.
I think he may have been suffering along with me but I was too wrapped up in my own issues to notice.
I can't leave him when he was so good to me. I've asked him to go to counselling but he refuses. He says there's nothing wrong with him but he barely sleeps or eats and never wants to talk. He just doesn't care about anything.
On top of that, its been so long that I don't feel like I can just throw it all away this easy.

As for the guy in work, he knows I have a boyfriend, and knows how long I've been with him. When he isn't hitting on me we're actually really good friends and get along really well. Him and my boyfriend have met, they don't get along at all.

I agree about the possessiveness, it feels weird to me too. Like last week we were in a pub on our night off, and I was talking to an old male school friend. He kept beckoning me to come over, and I kept saying 2 minutes, because I was talking. Eventually he lost it, walked over, picked me up, and wouldn't put me down until we were outside the pub. It struck me as kind of creepy. He said he did it because my friend was looking at me funny

If I took the work friend out of the situation I know I'd probably want to try things with my boyfriend. I think I just like the attention but I can't stop thinking about him even though I know the things he does are weird and overpowering. I know a size 12 isn't huge but I feel massive. Work guy constantly tells me how lovely I am and I think that's why I associate feeling confident to being with him..If that makes sense.

Esoteric_

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't seem to bring myself to let my boyfriend go, for many reasons.
I feel like he is my last living tie to my daughter, he is pretty much all I have left of her besides a cold headstone. He does care about me, and when he's in good form, he's the most wonderful man.
I think he's depressed. I've only recently come out of a bad bout of depression and he was there for me every step of the way.
I think he may have been suffering along with me but I was too wrapped up in my own issues to notice.
I can't leave him when he was so good to me. I've asked him to go to counselling but he refuses. He says there's nothing wrong with him but he barely sleeps or eats and never wants to talk. He just doesn't care about anything.
On top of that, its been so long that I don't feel like I can just throw it all away this easy.

As for the guy in work, he knows I have a boyfriend, and knows how long I've been with him. When he isn't hitting on me we're actually really good friends and get along really well. Him and my boyfriend have met, they don't get along at all.

I agree about the possessiveness, it feels weird to me too. Like last week we were in a pub on our night off, and I was talking to an old male school friend. He kept beckoning me to come over, and I kept saying 2 minutes, because I was talking. Eventually he lost it, walked over, picked me up, and wouldn't put me down until we were outside the pub. It struck me as kind of creepy. He said he did it because my friend was looking at me funny

If I took the work friend out of the situation I know I'd probably want to try things with my boyfriend. I think I just like the attention but I can't stop thinking about him even though I know the things he does are weird and overpowering.

Well, what does your boyfriend want? It sounds like neither of you have actually discussed the state your relationship is in, what you both want, and what you both need to do to make it work, if you want it to work.

Sit down and discuss it with him. Things will get no better unless you do.

As for the work friend. He's not a friend. He's a great friend when he's not hitting on you. Friends don't hit on their friends who are in relationships. That's showing you, your boyfriend and your relationship a complete lack of respect. No wonder your boyfriend doesn't get along with him.

Picking you up because you were talking to someone? Seriously?

Being perfectly honest, it sounds as though you know full well your friend's behaviour is wrong, but you're lapping up the 'affection' because you're not getting it from your boyfriend. That's a very dangerous way to play things. This 'friend' is not a friend, he sounds like a complete nut job, to be perfectly honest. Why do you put up with him? He's not a friend, friends don't do that sort of thing. I'm sure he gives you a much needed ego boost because it's understandable that you'll feel down because of the situation with your boyfriend, but you're also endangering yourself. This is a violent man, who punched someone in the face, and has no compunctions with physically carrying you away from a friend.

Get away from him, stop talking to him unless it's work related, and work on your relationship, if you want your relationship to last. Flattery and an ego boost are all you're getting from the work mate, and they're not worth all of the psychotic behaviour he's showing.

Big Bag of Chips

When he carried you away what did you do? Did you giggle that you thought it was hilarious or did you tell him to never do anything like that again when you are speaking to someone?

He has no boundaries, and I suspect it's because you have not put those boundaries in place.

You are not happy that he carried you away, or his reason for it.. you wouldn't have mentioned it, if it didn't bother you.

Imagine for a second you actually got into a relationship with him, where he felt because you were his girlfriend, it gave him a right to stop you talking to anyone.. friends, male cousins, neighbours....

As your 'friend', he stops you doing things you want to do.. what sort of bf do you think he'd be.

Your relationship with your bf is in trouble. You need to sort that out before you consider anything else.

And you need to lay down boundaries for the other fella. Carrying you off might be funny occassionally.. but it will soon become the thing that annoys you most about him.

wallycharlo

WhiteRoses wrote: »

... lost it, walked over, picked me up, and wouldn't put me down until we were outside the pub. It struck me as kind of creepy. He said he did it because my friend was looking at me funny ...

= avoid at all costs !

kylith

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I agree about the possessiveness, it feels weird to me too. Like last week we were in a pub on our night off, and I was talking to an old male school friend. He kept beckoning me to come over, and I kept saying 2 minutes, because I was talking. Eventually he lost it, walked over, picked me up, and wouldn't put me down until we were outside the pub. It struck me as kind of creepy. He said he did it because my friend was looking at me funny

I would encourage you to stay away from this man. How dare he lay his hands on you and carry you away from your friend on nothing but the most spurious of excuses? If I were you I would be absolutely livid that anyone would presume to treat me in such a controlling manner. If you leave your current partner for him I guarantee that you will spend your life worrying about talking to certain people and having to hide who you're in contact with, where you're going, and what you're doing for fear he found out. Do not encourage his attention, and if he tries to pull a stunt like that again make a scene, don't be embarrassed about people looking at you, controlling people rely on their victims to keep quiet. When he realises that you will draw attention to his behaviour he will stop.

You need to talk to your BF about your worries about his sleeping and eating. Tell him that you want to support him the way he supported you. It sounds to me like he's trying to 'be a man' about it.

RossFixxxed

Poaching another guys girlfriend is a no no.

Punching someone in the face like that is very unbalanced.

Grabbing you and dragging you around is crazy.

The guy sounds like a total control freak or just an out and out weirdo. Avoid.
However, you can't let him carry on like this and think it is OK. Put your foot down and don't let this continue. Now. Otherwise break up with your boyfriend immediately. And still avoid this guy.

He's validating your insecurities with his compliments, but this is like eating a load of Donner Kebabs because they have leuttce in them. It's bad for you ultimately thought it seems nice at the time.

Address YOUR issues, and don't try to validate yourself or feel better vicariously through someone else. It's a damn dead end. Trust me on this one!

CaraMay

Op you mentioned recently in another forum that you are trying for a new baby with your boyfriend.

It would be a good idea to stop trying to get pregnant when you are so unsure a about him and your relationship.

a posse ad esse

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you mentioned recently in another forum that you are trying for a new baby with your boyfriend.

It would be a good idea to stop trying to get pregnant when you are so unsure a about him and your relationship.

I agree with this alot.

I hope you are not trying for a baby thinking that this would save your relationship because it won't.

SusieBlue

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you mentioned recently in another forum that you are trying for a new baby with your boyfriend.

It would be a good idea to stop trying to get pregnant when you are so unsure a about him and your relationship.

No fear, we aren't even sleeping together at the moment, I wouldn't be selfish enough to bring a baby into this. We had been trying but we've stopped.

CaraMay

Op you need to stop running from a to b to c and take a breath. You have had a huge shock but running from one relationship to the next is not the answer. If you don't want to be with your bf then leave him but don't run into the arms of this guy who sounds nothing more than a thug.

CaraMay

Op you need to stop running from a to b to c and take a breath. You have had a huge shock but running from one relationship to the next is not the answer. If you don't want to be with your bf then leave him but don't run into the arms of this guy who sounds nothing more than a thug.

Stavro Mueller

In your own ways the two of you are running away from the issue. Cheating with this guy would certainly achieve a result that's for sure! He doesn't sound like the sort of person you could quietly have an affair with, if that was what you had in mind. You would be very wise to give him a wide berth because he sounds horribly controlling, overwhelming and unafraid to use his fists.

If your relationship wasn't in trouble how would you view him? As an annoying pest? A stalker? Do you think you'd give him the light of day if your home situation wasn't so bad?

You need to decide if you want to save your relationship with your boyfriend and take action. You're going to have to sit him down and have a proper adult conversation about this. These problems are unlikely to work themselves out as things stand. Maybe you should tell him that unless he seeks help you're gone. Do you really have much to lose at this stage?