How to deal with a pointless break up

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

Myself and my boyfriend of a year broke up about a month ago, and neither of us are coping very well. I didn't initiate the break up at all, and it came out of the blue for me.

Without being too specific, he is very very focused on a sport, and he trains most nights of the week for it. He has now decided that he needs to dedicate all his spare time to this for the next year or so, as he feels he would regret it in years to come if he didn't give it his best shot now. He says he doesn't have the will power to go to training when he has the possibility of seeing me, and in fairness he has skipped it a good few times to see me instead - not that I've ever once asked him to; I've discouraged this, in fact. He's one of the top in his category, and wants to make it to THE top.

So basically, I need to be removed from the equation so he can properly focus on this.

He's not a w**ker - he's the sweetest, lovliest, nicest guy you'll ever meet, and I understand that he "needs to do this", and feels he won't be able to be a good boyfriend to me while he's focusing on this as it will be his top priority.

The problem is, because the break up is circumstantial, neither of us can seem to let go really. We didn't fall out of love, one of us wasn't unfaithful, we didn't have a massive argument ... we're both just really sad and really miss each other and keep calling and texting, and this is definitely not a pattern I want to let myself fall in to.

Has anyone any experience with a break up like this, where you'd probably still be together if it weren't for something silly getting in the way? My last break up was because my boyfriend cheated on me; it was equally as devastating, and took me months to get over, but I had a solid reason there - he'd cheated on me, and I had to accept that and move on.

This is much harder to accept, and I'm really struggling. Can we stay friends, or should we cut contact for a while? We've tried not talking, but we haven't made it longer than about five days before one of us calls the other. Would it be easier to stay in contact and ease out of the relationship, rather than cold turkey?

To be honest I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here ... I know you just have to deal with a break up and move on as best you can. Maybe I just needed to rant ... if you're still reading by now, thanks! And any advice, even if you're telling me to cop the f**k on, would be greatly appreciated.

kjl

Are you sure you are not just projecting your feelings onto him? IMO this seems like a lame reason to break up with someone and I don't think that he is being fully truthful to you as to why he is breaking up with you.

I have broken up with a few girls in my time and I don't think I have ever given a real reason. The last girl I told her I needed to focus more on work, when actually I just wasn't attracted to her anymore.

I could be wrong, but I don't understand if he is depressed because he is going through a breakup how this will help him focus more on his sport.

My advice would be to just stop contacting him completely. Tell him you need space to get over him. If he continues to contact you on a regular basis tell him you don't want to be friends with him, only a girlfriend.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Are you sure you are not just projecting your feelings onto him? IMO this seems like a lame reason to break up with someone and I don't think that he is being fully truthful to you as to why he is breaking up with you.

I have broken up with a few girls in my time and I don't think I have ever given a real reason. The last girl I told her I needed to focus more on work, when actually I just wasn't attracted to her anymore.

I could be wrong, but I don't understand if he is depressed because he is going through a breakup how this will help him focus more on his sport.

My advice would be to just stop contacting him completely. Tell him you need space to get over him. If he continues to contact you on a regular basis tell him you don't want to be friends with him, only a girlfriend.

No, it's definitely a real reason. I know it doesn't sound like it to most people, and it's hard to explain when you don't know him but I know that it's a genuine reason - he really wants to be the best at this, although I think he's being a martyr. I get that to other people though it probably seems like a lame reason. And from the few times we've met up since we broke up, he's been as upset as I am about the whole thing. He's initiated the meeting up, because he says misses me.

But I appreciate the advice ... cutting contact probably is the best idea. We weren't really friends before we started going out, so maybe we're simply not suited to each other as friends.

mathproblem

Could you commit to accepting his level of commitment to his goals and agree to support him in it? If he were a professional athlete training for the tour de france of some other elite level of whatever sport he(or she in certain cases eg Katie taylor) would need either to remain single or have a partner that for the time being completely subsumes their plans to those of the competitor. That would mean never tempting him to miss training, the opposite even, giving lifts, helping with his diet etc, even forcing him to go on days when he doesn't feel like it.

It is a very particular choice for you to make, and in the end to make time for the two of you to be together you might end up being the one passing over opportunities etc to keep to the commitment. It is a decision you would have to make very consciously in the knowledge of what you might be giving up yourself but if you believed in it and in him and his aims then you could put the offer to him.

It is a bit unusual in this day and age when it is usually accepted that both parties will pursue their own goals and in making the offer you should maintain that you are still an equal partner in it all in the long run. It's a more traditional arrangement than is fashionable these days and unless you married him you could put yourself in a position where you give up a few years of your life to his goal only to find he moves on from you later on after he does reach the top, or not as the case may be.

other than that as the above poster says maybe it's just his get out card. Like he likes you but maybe doesn't forsee it as a forever thing and would simply prefer to focus on himself right now rather than a relationship he's not completely sold on.

LegacyUser

mathproblem wrote: »

Could you commit to accepting his level of commitment to his goals and agree to support him in it? If he were a professional athlete training for the tour de france of some other elite level of whatever sport he(or she in certain cases eg Katie taylor) would need either to remain single or have a partner that for the time being completely subsumes their plans to those of the competitor. That would mean never tempting him to miss training, the opposite even, giving lifts, helping with his diet etc, even forcing him to go on days when he doesn't feel like it.

To be honest, I haven't properly sat down and though about whether or not I could do that. But he didn't give me the choice, he decided that it wasn't fair on me to even have to consider that. Which I appreciate from him obviously, but as far as I was concerned it wasn't his call to make, and I would have liked the opportunity to see how we would have gotten on.

mathproblem wrote: »

other than that as the above poster says maybe it's just his get out card. Like he likes you but maybe doesn't forsee it as a forever thing and would simply prefer to focus on himself right now rather than a relationship he's not completely sold on.

Yeah ... as much as I hate to admit, that does make sense. Like, he does love me right now.. but just doesn't see it lasting forever, so he's not willing to give up his dream. I accept that, it just doesn't really make it any easier.

LegacyUser

You've been given some solid advice so far, I'll just offer a different viewpoint.


If that was legitimately the reason for the break-up, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt as you surely know the guy and would know if he genuinely wants to be with you or not, then I think you two could make it work. Yeah, maybe you guys wouldn't be able to see eachother all the time, but isn't a little time better than none at all? Knowing that you can really enjoy the time together? Of course you'd have to encourage him and be very supportive, which will take a lot of effort and might be frustrating sometimes, but if you really love eachother, it's worth it.

As for your original question: Has anyone any experience with a break up like this, where you'd probably still be together if it weren't for something silly getting in the way?

Yes, which is why I'm writing this. Not for a silly reason, but a reason that was external to us, ie. neither of us wanted to break up. I was in love with a girl, and her with me, in fact I have a thread here on boards from when it happened about 5 months ago. The girl had to go back to her own country at short notice, it was extremely difficult. 5 months have passed and she is still on my mind every single day. Both our circumstances have changed greatly since then but we still speak regularly enough and we both want nothing more than to be with eachother. The pain can still be overwhelming at times. It's not possible now, but maybe in the future. The reason I'm rambling about this is to ask you why both of you are suffering when there's nothing stopping you from being together? There's no physical barrier, no emotional barrier. You guys can make it work if it's what you BOTH want. I'd give anything to have your problem instead of mine. Point being, don't let stuff like this get in the way of love! If you want to make it work, reassure him that you will be there to support and help him in achieving his sporting dreams, not to hinder them. And more importantly, honour those promises if you get back together on that condition, or there will be resentment down the line.

RubyRoss

unreg789 wrote: »

Has anyone any experience with a break up like this, where you'd probably still be together if it weren't for something silly getting in the way?

But the thing is, if you both really wanted to be in the relationship something 'silly' wouldn't get in your way. People have trained for Olympic gold medals and written PhDs while holding onto relationships. Maybe you should ask yourself if this is his way of saying 'I need a break'.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but don't put your life on hold for a guy who says he's too busy at the moment, maybe later. When someone leaves you, it's nice to believe that there was some silly cause but in reality people are pretty good at keeping what they want. (I've learned this from a similar situation)

LegacyUser

WhySuffer wrote: »

As for your original question: Has anyone any experience with a break up like this, where you'd probably still be together if it weren't for something silly getting in the way?

Yes, which is why I'm writing this. Not for a silly reason, but a reason that was external to us, ie. neither of us wanted to break up. I was in love with a girl, and her with me, in fact I have a thread here on boards from when it happened about 5 months ago. The girl had to go back to her own country at short notice, it was extremely difficult. 5 months have passed and she is still on my mind every single day. Both our circumstances have changed greatly since then but we still speak regularly enough and we both want nothing more than to be with eachother. The pain can still be overwhelming at times. It's not possible now, but maybe in the future. The reason I'm rambling about this is to ask you why both of you are suffering when there's nothing stopping you from being together? There's no physical barrier, no emotional barrier. You guys can make it work if it's what you BOTH want. I'd give anything to have your problem instead of mine. Point being, don't let stuff like this get in the way of love! If you want to make it work, reassure him that you will be there to support and help him in achieving his sporting dreams, not to hinder them. And more importantly, honour those promises if you get back together on that condition, or there will be resentment down the line.

Thanks for your advice. Now that I see it properly in writing in front of me, "if it's what you BOTH want" is sticking out like a sore thumb. I guess I just have to accept that if he really really wanted this relationship deep down, he'd probably find a way, because I've made it clear I'm more than willing.

RubyRoss wrote: »

But the thing is, if you both really wanted to be in the relationship something 'silly' wouldn't get in your way. People have trained for Olympic gold medals and written PhDs while holding onto relationships. Maybe you should ask yourself if this is his way of saying 'I need a break'.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but don't put your life on hold for a guy who says he's too busy at the moment, maybe later. When someone leaves you, it's nice to believe that there was some silly cause but in reality people are pretty good at keeping what they want. (I've learned this from a similar situation)

Thanks, I definitely don't want to put my life on hold. I did consider that it was his way of needing a break, and yeah perhaps I am trying to make myself feel better by believing it was something silly rather than simply not being 100 percent in to the relationship. But he does keep texting and saying he misses me and wants to see me. It's completely messing with my head. I think I do just need to cut all contact for a while and have some breathing space.

kjl

unreg789 wrote: »

Thanks, I definitely don't want to put my life on hold. I did consider that it was his way of needing a break, and yeah perhaps I am trying to make myself feel better by believing it was something silly rather than simply not being 100 percent in to the relationship. But he does keep texting and saying he misses me and wants to see me. It's completely messing with my head. I think I do just need to cut all contact for a while and have some breathing space.

If he missed you so much, he shouldn't break up with you. Give him time to realise this by distancing yourself from him completely. It will either work out two ways, one he will come back to you or two he won't. For you, give yourself a time for him to win you back, say two months, if he doesn't try to get you back draw a line under this relationship. Closure if the only way you get over someone.

P. Breathnach

If he gets to the next level in his sport, what are the rewards? Does it satisfy his ego, or does it set him up financially? I would make a distinction between amateur and professional sport.

If he is prepared to sacrifice a relationship for the sake of an amateur sport, I think you should facilitate that: make a clean break and try to forget him. Don't let him have it both ways in keeping up any contact with you.

If the sport offers a worthwhile professional option, then perhaps you might look at things differently. You might see it as equivalent to working hard towards a good life opportunity, one that in the long run might be good for him and a life partner. In that case, you might consider negotiating a deal with him that puts your relationship on a similar footing to a LDR.

ash23

Oh OP, I could have written your post two months ago. Except replace sport with work.

We remained "friends". Have been in regular contact and seeing each other regularly. No funny business but it didn't feel like a breakup.

But you know what? Limbo sucks. It hurts and it's damaging. I had to eventually cut all contact (admittedly only a couple of days ago) because being in this state is doing my head in. I feel like I can't date other people. I feel like I still have a boyfriend.
But the trust in him is gone. He made a decision for me without my input or consent. He's not a bad person but essentially, whatever the reason, he doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to put the effort in making it work. He has other priorities and he has chosen them over me.
In his own mind it was the "right" thing as he didn't want to string me along. But eh, hello? Why doesn't what I want matter?

OP, maybe in time you can be friends but my advice is to just get some space. Myself and my ex were getting to the point where I kept asking for answers or offering solutions. He wasn't able to answer or willing to compromise and we were both getting annoyed and frustrated with each other, albeit for different reasons.

I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. I felt pathetic and needy and a bit out of control. It's just not worth it.

Ask your ex to give you space and take that time to accept that it's over. Because you're doing what I did. You're allowing yourself to believe that because the reasons for the breakup were trivial (to you) and it didn't end on bad terms, then there is still hope.
But really, he has ended it. And it doesn't matter why. When one person doesn't want to make it work, it won't work.

I'm sorry OP, I know what a crappy situation it is. But being friends with someone you have feelings for will never end well.

I will still want my ex and be needy and a mess and pathetic. But at least I won't be doing so in front of him! Or watching him be happy out without me in his life.
I also can't understand why he felt he had to end it and I've driven myself (and him) nuts trying to "fix" it.
You will do the same, I can nearly assure you.

Maybe down the line a friendship is possible. But immediately after a breakup is not a good idea imo.

Merkin

unreg789 wrote: »

And from the few times we've met up since we broke up, he's been as upset as I am about the whole thing. He's initiated the meeting up, because he says misses me.

Have you slept with him when you've met up with him? If so, don't as it will just cloud your judgement and make the break up harder.

I'm afraid I don't think this has legs. Simply because his decision on the breakup was unilateral. If he was heartbroken at the thought of breaking up with you then he would have discussed it with you and between you, could have worked out a way together as to whether you could still see one another (come hell or high water) and on what terms. Instead he decided to finish it and only he can know if his reasons are 100% honest or whether he's just not feeling it any more and the excuse of his chosen sport was a handy get-out clause.

As someone pointed out, people achieve all sorts of amazing feats while in a relationship and if he really wanted to make it work then he probably would. MY OH is a scientist and we got married at an absolutely crucial stage during his PhD research. But he did it. If you want something enough then you can balance a number of plates at the same time.

If I were you I would cut contact. I would really let him pine for you and miss you. Then you should have a real indication as to whether he really is missing you. If you're still meeting up and talking all the time then neither of you are really been given the opportunity to take a deep breath and find out if it was the right decision. I am of the opinion that if he couldn't live without you he wouldn't have done this in the first place - sorry to say that hon, but that's how it seems.....

kylith

I can understand the desire to cut out all distractions, but plenty of athletes have partners, spouses, and children and yet they manage to get to the top of their fields. It just seems like a flimsy excuse.

car.kar

Oh wow, you could be me right now.

I'm going through a very similar break up, and all I can say is try your hardest to cut contact for a while and give yourself some breathing space. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd make it work. From him telling you he misses you, I don't doubt that he probably does love you, and if his sport weren't a thing he'd probably be happy enough to continue the relationship with you. But he's been forced to make a snap decision, and maybe he just doesn't see the relationship having a future a year or two down the line? So he's chosen to focus on himself, and now perhaps he's questioning his decision?

Cut him out for a while. You know it's the only way really to get over break ups. You deserve someone who will put you first always.

Calhoun

Like others have said, his excuse is flimsy and doesnt hold water with me this isnt a pointless breakup it tells you quite allot where you rank. Right now you are no more important to him than the sport he is doing, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who isnt 100% commited to you?

This has the potential of going two ways if you don't cut contact, 1. you guys become a "no-strings" attached couple but you know as well as i do that is not possible, or 2. You guys eventually get back together after you accept that your lesser important than his sports career and you will always wonder will he up and leave again in the future..

My view in a partner is i want an equal, we may have times where one or both of us have big external commitments but that doesnt mean we stop seeing each other we just need to help each other through it.

I would actually be quite annoyed if my partner broke up with me the way yours has and is still in contact, its like having your cake and eating it and intentional or not i dont like mind games. I recommend you cut all contact so you can mend and move on, if he does come back to you wanting to get back together i would think long and hard about it and make him think about it also.

He needs to understand how disrespectful breaking up in this manner is and that its not something that can happen again. As i couldnt be with someone that was this flakey when it comes to being together.

LegacyUser

Was in a similar situation before Christmas but for a totally different reason. We were both devastated to have broken up. We met up a few times to discuss things but still kept contact to a minimum. After around 2 months of this I decided to cut contact totally. I met up with my boyfriend one more time and told him I was saying goodbye. But, importantly, I told him he could get in touch anytime if he thought of something that could bring us back together again.

It took him another month and a half to sort things out in his head, but he did. I figure the shock of cutting contact totally concentrated his mind and forced him to decide what he wanted. We are now back together, have sorted out a compromise about our future together and are very happy.

So cutting contact would be my advice. It will be very difficult, but it is the only way to find out if you have a future with someone or not. And if you don't have a future together, that's life and you have to move on.

I know it is not easy but it is something you have to do. Keep yourself occupied, get support from family and friends and you will pull through. Lots of running and yoga helped me, as did plenty of ranting with my friends! And the future will eventually start to look brighter.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

If he missed you so much, he shouldn't break up with you.

I know, I think this is what's wrecking my head. If he can't let go, then why bother breaking up with me in the first place.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

If he is prepared to sacrifice a relationship for the sake of an amateur sport, I think you should facilitate that: make a clean break and try to forget him. Don't let him have it both ways in keeping up any contact with you.

It's amateur. If it were a career, I could understand it more. You're right though, thanks. My friends keep saying this as well - if he's throwing a relationship away for what they consider an obsessive hobby, then he's not worth it anyway.

ash23 wrote: »

But you know what? Limbo sucks. It hurts and it's damaging. I had to eventually cut all contact (admittedly only a couple of days ago) because being in this state is doing my head in. I feel like I can't date other people. I feel like I still have a boyfriend.

In his own mind it was the "right" thing as he didn't want to string me along. But eh, hello? Why doesn't what I want matter?

Ask your ex to give you space and take that time to accept that it's over. Because you're doing what I did. You're allowing yourself to believe that because the reasons for the breakup were trivial (to you) and it didn't end on bad terms, then there is still hope.
But really, he has ended it. And it doesn't matter why. When one person doesn't want to make it work, it won't work.

You've literally described exactly my situation. Thank you for that - I think these are all things I know deep down some where, I think I just need to have it all spelt out in front of me in order to cop myself on.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Have you slept with him when you've met up with him? If so, don't as it will just cloud your judgement and make the break up harder.

I'm afraid I don't think this has legs. Simply because his decision on the breakup was unilateral. If he was heartbroken at the thought of breaking up with you then he would have discussed it with you and between you, could have worked out a way together as to whether you could still see one another (come hell or high water) and on what terms.

I am of the opinion that if he couldn't live without you he wouldn't have done this in the first place - sorry to say that hon, but that's how it seems.....

Not slept with, we've fooled around though, which I know in my heart was a stupid decision, and it did make things harder, yeah. Your last line hit home though, as hard as it is to admit.

car.kar wrote: »

But he's been forced to make a snap decision, and maybe he just doesn't see the relationship having a future a year or two down the line? So he's chosen to focus on himself, and now perhaps he's questioning his decision?

Yeah I think this is what's happening here. We've never had any problems until now, we've been perfectly happy, and there was no indication at all that he was going to do this - in fact, we just spent a weekend in Galway together two weeks before the break up. I think his trainers sat him down and told him what he'd have to do to get to the top, and he just decided that he didn't see a future, so why compromise his dream now.

Calhoun wrote: »

This has the potential of going two ways if you don't cut contact, 1. you guys become a "no-strings" attached couple but you know as well as i do that is not possible

This is what I'm afraid of happening ... I need to nip it in the bud now.

Calhoun wrote: »

or 2. You guys eventually get back together after you accept that your lesser important than his sports career and you will always wonder will he up and leave again in the future..

I'm also afraid of this happening. I've thought about what I might do if he changed his mind, and I came to the conclusion that I hope I'm strong enough to say no, because right now I really wouldn't trust him not to do it again in a few months time.

SparkySpitfire

kjl wrote: »

I have broken up with a few girls in my time and I don't think I have ever given a real reason. The last girl I told her I needed to focus more on work, when actually I just wasn't attracted to her anymore.

A little OT, but why can't people just man up and tell whoever they're breaking up with the real reason? An answer like this leaves one clinging on to hope. That is so cruel to do to someone if you know deep down that there's no way of getting back together.

Also I apologise if you pick me up wrong; I don't mean to give out to you, just rather what you said sparked that kind of response in me.

And if the OP's boyfriend did do that, then it's obvious that's a cowardly sort of reason to give anyone during a break up.

ShaShaBear

unreg789 wrote: »

Not slept with, we've fooled around though, which I know in my heart was a stupid decision, and it did make things harder, yeah. Your last line hit home though, as hard as it is to admit.




Yeah I think this is what's happening here. We've never had any problems until now, we've been perfectly happy, and there was no indication at all that he was going to do this - in fact, we just spent a weekend in Galway together two weeks before the break up. I think his trainers sat him down and told him what he'd have to do to get to the top, and he just decided that he didn't see a future, so why compromise his dream now.




This is what I'm afraid of happening ... I need to nip it in the bud now.



I'm also afraid of this happening. I've thought about what I might do if he changed his mind, and I came to the conclusion that I hope I'm strong enough to say no, because right now I really wouldn't trust him not to do it again in a few months time.

Constant contact, fooling around, pining and missing a person. That sounds like a relationship to me.

Very, very harsh sounding, and more of a TL,DR post, but as others said, it's a flimsy excuse, and I think he may be looking at having the cake and eating it too. If he has time to stay in touch, and time to meet you up to fool around and still misses you, he has more than enough time to maintain a relationship. The fact that he broke it off and still continues to act like you are together suggests that he is simply comfortable.

Cut contact, before you get hurt. If he starts seeing someone else in this "crucial" part of his "obsessive hobby", then you will really regret this.

kat.mac

ash23 wrote: »

But you know what? Limbo sucks. It hurts and it's damaging.

A big +1 on this. He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, but doesn't quite want you gone. I went through a phase of being in limbo and wanting my ex to "let me go" after he dumped me but kept in regular contact. This was complete and utter bull. I was the one keeping myself in limbo.

Men are very straightforward, IME. He ended yer relationship, take it at face value, cut contact, and look to the future. If he realises he's made a mistake and wants you back, *as a girlfriend* make no mistake - he'll be back with bells on, and you can decide if you want him back.

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Constant contact, fooling around, pining and missing a person. That sounds like a relationship to me.

Very, very harsh sounding, and more of a TL,DR post, but as others said, it's a flimsy excuse, and I think he may be looking at having the cake and eating it too. If he has time to stay in touch, and time to meet you up to fool around and still misses you, he has more than enough time to maintain a relationship. The fact that he broke it off and still continues to act like you are together suggests that he is simply comfortable.

Cut contact, before you get hurt. If he starts seeing someone else in this "crucial" part of his "obsessive hobby", then you will really regret this.

I agree. We've met up three or four times, so if he has time to do that then he'd have time to still be in the relationship. The more I read everyone's advice, the angrier I get at him for still trying to keep in contact with me - it was his choice to break up so he should give me my space.

kat.mac wrote: »

A big +1 on this. He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, but doesn't quite want you gone. I went through a phase of being in limbo and wanting my ex to "let me go" after he dumped me but kept in regular contact. This was complete and utter bull. I was the one keeping myself in limbo.

Yeah ... limbo sucks.


Thanks for everyone's advice, it's really helped. I think I already knew these things, I just needed a bit of a wake up call. We haven't spoken in a week now, and if he does text me again I'm going to ask him to leave me alone.

I see now that it's a stupid excuse, and hopefully that will help me move on easier than if I still thought we just "couldn't be together because of circumstance" or some crap like that. If he wanted to be with me he would, so obviously he doesn't, and I just need to accept that!

LegacyUser

Mo Farrah was married with a daughter, managed to train in the USA and won two gold medals at the Olympics. His pregnant wife and daughter were by his side!!
Your boyfriend is a moral coward. Get shut!!

beks101

RubyRoss wrote: »

But the thing is, if you both really wanted to be in the relationship something 'silly' wouldn't get in your way. People have trained for Olympic gold medals and written PhDs while holding onto relationships. Maybe you should ask yourself if this is his way of saying 'I need a break'.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but don't put your life on hold for a guy who says he's too busy at the moment, maybe later. When someone leaves you, it's nice to believe that there was some silly cause but in reality people are pretty good at keeping what they want. (I've learned this from a similar situation)

1,000,000 percent this.

I know there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationship advice, no case is ever black and white blah blah blah...

But the fact is he's decided to walk away. He hasn't chosen you, he's chosen a sport. And it doesn't diminish what you had as a couple, but it does mean that he doesn't want to be with you any more. The reason is irrelevant.

I know you're looking for a closure you've always had with other exes; that itself is the closure. He walked away. He let something "silly" come between you and now you're misinterpreting his sadness and constant contact as regret - it's not, it's the pain that most people feel when a relationship comes to an end. It's just the grieving process kicking in.

He's not giving you the space you need to start into your own grieving process and it's up to you to put a stop to it. He's prioritized himself and his 'dream' over your relationship; now it's time you do the same. Demand space, don't pander to his emotional needs to the detriment of your own.

As has already been pointed out, having dreams, no matter how big or bold or demanding, doesn't mean you have to put other areas of your life on hold. He's either choosing to do that, or he's using it as a handy excuse to end things.

ShowMeTheCash

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

A little OT, but why can't people just man up and tell whoever they're breaking up with the real reason? An answer like this leaves one clinging on to hope. That is so cruel to do to someone if you know deep down that there's no way of getting back together.

Also I apologise if you pick me up wrong; I don't mean to give out to you, just rather what you said sparked that kind of response in me.

And if the OP's boyfriend did do that, then it's obvious that's a cowardly sort of reason to give anyone during a break up.

If you are going to break up with someone there is no need to be mean to someone, I think what you are suggesting would be a little heartless or at least could be heartless if everyone was really honest!

OP - I just want to add to this and it has been mentioned a few times already... I understand you will know your BF better than anyone on here but he is still his own person, you can never really know your partner, no more so than anyone else....
His reasons may or may not be the whole story but trying to understand the reasons is not really what you should focus on (You can drive yourself mad trying to understand someone else)...
What you want and what he wants is really what it is all about... And however you want to interpret his reasons is probably less important...

If he has basically broken up with you but is still in contact it appears to me he is being a little selfish... Guy seems to want his cake and eat it!

It has already been mentioned that people at the top level of all sports are well able to maintain a relationship... If anything in my opinion it can make an individual stronger in what they do!

I suggested focus less on what he wants is trying to achieve and focus on what you want!

All the best!