Gay teen looking for advice

FiachDubh

Hey, first time poster
So i'm a 17 year old Bi(possibly but hopefully not gay)lad from Cork.

I'm going to go into a speel now because i think i'm in need of one, but since the question i want answered is fairly simple feel free to skip the "feel sorry for me" story : Is it worth coming out to a guy that you're Gay/Bi in the hopes that he is too?

I like a guy in my year who i have a feeling may be gay but that could be wishful thinking. I haven't come out to anyone and will never come out completely, at least not to my family. They would not accept. The worst moment of my life was when i was sitting with my family watching the Late Late when these two gay fellas came on and stated b*tching about gay rights, my father said "Disgusting animals" my mother made a face like the thought of two men loving each other made her sick and my brother said "bloody fags".

Anyway back to this guy, he makes all the gay jokes and gags and references that everyone does, its an all boys school and there's a lot of harmless air humps
He has never been with a girl despite the fact he's a ride, i'm talking 6 pack and all. He's unbelievably sound and being around him just makes you happy
The thing is though that if I come out to him, he says he thinks that's disgusting, he tells people about me and it gets back to my family my life is over

So to reiterate:
Is it worth coming out to a guy that you're Gay/Bi in the hopes he is too?

DazMarz

My first instinct, Fiach, is no. Do not come out to him. If you do, he may get the idea why. And he'd be correct (in that you fancy him).

It is far too risky, and if there's potential that it could cause trouble at home, do not do so.

If you need to tell someone (if you're starting to feel like I did and the pressure is building inside and the stress is getting to you), come out to a very close friend. Someone you can completely trust, someone who loves you, someone you love (platonic!).

Slowly but surely will suit your case a lot from reading your post. Definitely try to confide in a really close friend.

Good luck!

ninty9er

FiachDubh wrote: »

Hey, first time poster
So i'm a 17 year old Bi(possibly but hopefully not gay)lad from Cork.

I'm going to go into a speel now because i think i'm in need of one, but since the question i want answered is fairly simple feel free to skip the "feel sorry for me" story : Is it worth coming out to a guy that you're Gay/Bi in the hopes that he is too?

I like a guy in my year who i have a feeling may be gay but that could be wishful thinking. I haven't come out to anyone and will never come out completely, at least not to my family. They would not except. The worst moment of my life was when i was sitting with my family watching the Late Late when these two gay fellas came on and stated b*tching about gay rights, my father said "Disgusting animals" my mother made a face like the thought of two men loving each other made her sick and my brother said "bloody fags".

Anyway back to this guy, he makes all the gay jokes and gags and references that everyone does, its an all boys school and there's a lot of harmless air humps
He has never been with a girl despite the fact he's a ride, i'm talking 6 pack and all. He's unbelievably sound and being around him just makes you happy
The thing is though that if I come out to him, he says he thinks that's disgusting, he tells people about me and it gets back to my family my life is over

So to reiterate:
Is it worth coming out to a guy that you're Gay/Bi in the hopes he is too?

There are no guarantees in life, but if you feel strongly enough about it, what harm? If it doesn't work out you don't have to take flak. It may come, but it doesn't mean it's acceptable.

Also, at 17, even if he is gay, he could feel exactly like you do and turn you down out of fear of the unknown.

In short, only you can decide, but if it creates problems for you, please recognise there is lots of support out there.

Emz93

I've been in a similar (ish) situation and I just bit the bullet and came out to her. It wasn't a big deal, still fairly sure she is straight but at least she knows who I am and was so cool about it! OP I'd say if he is a close friend and you feel ready then come out to him, I doubt he will jump to the conclusion that you fancy him! That was always my fear coming out to my friends but only now do I realise how ridiculous that was! Even if he turns out to be straight, at least you've put it out there, it made me feel better anyway!

Locker10a

Dont come out to that dude you fancy! Even if he is gay, he may not be ready to accept it yet and it WILL backfire! In order to protect himself he may out you! He may not react this was but I would not take a gamble like that in secondary school! By all means come out, talk to someone you know you can trust! And you know will understand!
As for your family, dont worry they will get over it! I've had friends come from similar families, came out to them, and while things may have been turbulent for a while they got over it, things settled and everyones happy now! So dont worry about that!

Peregrinus

FiachDubh wrote: »

Is it worth coming out to a guy that you're Gay/Bi in the hopes he is too?

This is risky. You’re setting up problems for yourself because, along with all the usual emotional baggage of coming out when you’re a teenager, which is heavy enough, and the baggage of coming out for the first time, which is heavier, you’re adding the emotional baggage of your hopes for some kind of romantic response from this guy. And, let’s be honest, the odds are pretty small. Despite the fact that he hasn’t had a girlfriend, he may very well not be gay and, if he is gay, you may not be his type. And even if you are a potential love interest for him, if you come out to him his issue will probably be dealing with his surprise, not dealing with his overwhelming passion for you.

So, no. The first time you come out should not be to this guy. It should be to a friend whose friendship is established and whose continuing friendship you can trust in, and for whom you do not cherish any romantic hopes.

Ideally, in fact, you should get to a point where you don’t need to come out to this guy, at least directly. If you come out sufficiently to your social circle, he will sooner or later become aware that you are gay or bi, and he’ll have an opportunity to digest that, deal with it and decide what his reaction is going to be long before you get to the point of gazing into his lovely brown eyes and saying something flirty. That’s going to be easier for both of you.

I appreciate, though, that if you don’t want to be out to your family, it’s hard to achieve that degree of openness with your circle of friends.

Joe95

I'm 17 and from Cork and I'm openly gay to people in my school. I haven't told my parents yet but I've been meaning to for ages, I'm just waiting for the right time. I've been open to people in my school since January and my parents or sisters still haven't found out. My dad is a homophobe, said he'd rather me be paralysed than be gay, but I think my mum would take it ok and I know for a fact my sisters would be cool with it. I'd say my parents have an idea though. Parents usually have a feeling.

I go to an all boys school as well, and my biggest fear was the guys thinking that I fancied them or something along those lines. Sure, some people find it awkward but that's obviously going to happen. Most people accept it and don't let it bother them nowadays.

I suggest coming out to close friends who you could trust with pretty much everything. One of my friends have known I'm gay since 2nd year and we're now in 5th year. The only person who found out was his sister because she was reading his messages from me. I eventually told more and more of my friends after a while and word just got around, I guess. I definitely suggest not telling him first. If he isn't gay or bi then it could seriously backfire and word will definitely get around, unless of course he's a really nice guy and promises not to tell anyone. You coming out could encourage more people to come out and you could possibly develop a love interest with someone who you have never suspected to be gay!

If you ever need to talk to anyone feel free to give me a PM as I went through pretty much the same things that you're going through right now.
tl;dr - Don't come out to him first.. come out to a close friend before you do anything drastic.

FiachDubh

Thanks for the advice guys.
Yeah i think I'll tell a close bud in the next few weeks, or at least when the moment is right. It would have been a bad move to tell him straight out (haha), I'm glad I posted this question. On the bright side, I'm only in TY so I have 2 more years max to suss this guy out... I sound like a total stalker
Thanks again!

LegacyUser

Hi, I just turned 17 back a few weeks ago and my advice is that even though i'm out to everyone (bar my dad) If you have a conservative family who's very agressive. I know I'm gonna get tons of disagreements but wait till your older, your 18 for example and can support yourself. Here in Dublin I've seen some homeless teens kicked out of home because of their sexuality and that's an absolute disgrace to the parents.

And don't come out to the guy you liked. If anything just come out to friends, and if he's anyway interested in you or is secretly gay he'll find out.

I know this is very cut and dry and sorry about that, the older and wiser folks will have better experience than me.

Good luck!

(I'm a guy btw whos deffo 100% for the guys )

gfgfgf14

One thing about your parents,my parents used to go on like that all the time in front of me and my two brothers and when I told them about being gay they accepted me,don't listen to a ll the horror stories. My mother got sick when I told her,because of her guilty conscience. Just don't rule out telling your family competely.

FiachDubh

gfgfgf14 wrote: »

One thing about your parents,my parents used to go on like that all the time in front of me and my two brothers and when I told them about being gay they accepted me,don't listen to a ll the horror stories. My mother got sick when I told her,because of her guilty conscience. Just don't rule out telling your family competely.

Thanks man, I suppose when parents find out it affects one of their own children it forces them to look at it from a different angle
But anyway i don't really feel a need to tell them, sexuality is personal and i don't feel like i'm lying to them or myself when i grin through their girlfriend jokes.

FiachDubh

hey, I just want to say a big thank you for the advice I was given.
I told a friend on Saturday last, he's response was "woah, didn't see that coming. So... are you more of a Cam or a Mitch?"
He couldn't be more Ok about it, it is a great feeling to know that someone close to you accepts the fact that you're not straight
Sound lads!

bikeman1

Well done man. One step at a time. Don't be surprised if some people don't give you the reaction you may have been expecting!

I've had people go. Ok thats cool, then go alright what were we talking about before!

ninty9er

FiachDubh wrote: »

hey, I just want to say a big thank you for the advice I was given.
I told a friend on Saturday last, he's response was "woah, didn't see that coming. So... are you more of a Cam or a Mitch?"

Should have told him you thought only women and gay guys watched Modern Family :-p

You now have someone who knows you much better than any of us to help you along. If there's anyone you're worried about a negative reaction from you could send in the engineers to lay some 'someone is gay, it's cool isn't it' foundations.

Also, prepare to be the biggest novelty in your friends' lives for a few weeks. It's annoying, but its good to know they care.