Work dilemma - to stay or to go

Niamh88

Hi all,

I have a bit of dilemma at the minute and would appreciate some outside perspective.

I posted on here a couple of months ago about a break up I was going through that was really affecting me. I am 25 and currently doing an internship in Senegal, my first job in my chosen field. Basically, I have stupidly let the feelings over what happened with my ex negatively impact on my work for the past 2 months – coming in late, missing deadlines. Now nothing was said to me up until last week but I knew myself my work was slipping. My original contract was for 6 months but I was offered a 6 month extension, to start next week, although I have not signed the contract yet.

I was getting back on track in terms of my ex to a certain extent, up until the week before last when I was mugged for the second time since I arrived here in November. I haven’t had the easiest of rides since I’ve been here to be honest. When I first arrived I had a bad reaction to the anti-malaria drug Larium, which made me very depressed. Then on the same day, 2 weeks after I arrived, my terminally ill uncle passed away and I was mugged at knife point outside my house. I went home for Christmas and got quite down again when I arrived back here. In February everything with my ex happened, which has had a big impact on the past 2 months, and finally the second mugging. I also have another uncle on the same side of the family at home with stage 4 cancer, who is doing well for the moment, but is obviously a big worry for the family.

The weekend after the mugging I was naturally feeling very down about things and thought I would ask for extra time at home. I had already asked for leave for 2 weeks in May to attend a cousins wedding which my manager here approved but which the office in Ireland, who are my official employers as I am on secondment, had yet to. Now, the flight home from my original contract was still booked for Saturday and so I thought I would ask to take that flight and return after the planned leave in May, totaling 3 and a half weeks. My manager here had originally asked if I wanted time off between the 2 contracts which I originally said no to, but reconsidered. I emailed my manager explaining how I was feeling etc and asking for the extra time off. She approved the leave and I thought things were looking up. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The Irish office took my second mugging very seriously, doubting the security here and at this point my work for the past 2 months was called into question. My manager was aware of the personal issues I was having and was concerned that I would be a risk to keep on so the contract extension was put under question. After a lot of discussions, they informed me on Monday of this week, that the extension would still be granted but with a 2 month probation period. The Irish office have treated my quite coldly through all of this. Not contacting me personally, and ignoring emails from me on other work related matters. I realise they have to be professional throughout this, as it is a serious matter, but I feel they could have handled the situation a bit better as my work had been excellent up until mid-February. They today informed me that the leave I requested has been denied, again through my manager here and not through personal contact. I understand though that I am not due the leave so they can’t do anything.

The problem is, I was really counting on that time at home to refocus and collect myself a bit. The opportunity was definitely something I wanted, but I thought I would also get the leave in first. Now, I am in a situation where I would have to wait a minimum 2 months to go home and with everything that has happened and my current emotional state, I am not sure I can wait that long. Dakar, has been great at times, but has also been very difficult, especially with the two muggings and the language barrier.

I am seriously considering not accepting the contract extension and going home now. On the one hand, the extra time here would do wonders for my career, but on the other, I am worried that I am at breaking point with the personal issues and I won’t fully invest myself in it even if I do stay. So do I stick it out here and hope things improve, or take the risk of going home where personally things would improve, but I may not be able to find a job?

I feel a bit stupid even putting this up here, as it is by no means a major issue and to think about the silly problems I am having in comparison to what others have to go through, especially highlighted now after the awful bombings in Boston. But my mental state is suffering quite a bit through this and some outside perspective would be really appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

Niamh

smallgarden

I think you need to ask yourself is your career or your mental health more important to you right now?

jdsk2006

I think you need to go talk to a gp niamh. Get a medicali opinion for a start, your gp may agree to write you off Sick for a time which would give you some much needed time with your family while keeping you protected at work. I think your Irish office have treated you appaulingly.
You poor girl, you have been through the mill. Its time to putt your health first.

Chucky the tree

jdsk2006 wrote: »

I think you need to go talk to a gp niamh. Get a medicali opinion for a start, your gp may agree to write you off Sick for a time which would give you some much needed time with your family while keeping you protected at work. I think your Irish office have treated you appaulingly.
You poor girl, you have been through the mill. Its time to putt your health first.

Chances if she comes in with a sick not from a GP chances are they'll simply tell her they won't be extending her contract.

CarMe

Ah you poor thing what an awful situation!
I don't really have any advice (personally I would come home based on the information you've given, you don't seem to have a nice life over there but I'm just going because you haven't mentioned friends, social life etc but I could be way off the mark there) really I just wanted to wish you the best of luck whatever you choose.

Niamh88

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies, I thought I would give an update on the situation.

I decided to take the contract extension in the end as it is a great opportunity for career advancement. I am lucky enough to have a great housemate and great friends so it's not all bad thankfully. Things were going fine and I was getting through things I thought, concentrating on the future and looking forward to a trip home I have planned in July.

I had been having periods of anxiety which would just come on for no reason. They would last maybe an hour or so and I would have a racing heartbeat and get quite depressed/anxious about nothing in particular. Also found myself to be more irritable than usual but put that down to stress as I am trying to make a good impression with work after messing up before. I've realised I've basically been walking on eggshells with myself as a result of the mood swings which is not a nice feeling. I have been taking Kalms tablets and herbal teas to try to regulate the mood swings and feeling of anxiety.

This all came to a head yesterday evening when I think I may have come close to an anxiety attack. I came home from work after feeling a bit anxious in the afternoon but looking forward to an evening to myself as my housemate was away with work. The electricity was out though, which is a regular occurence here and can last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a few hours. I am completely used to this now though and have spent many a night reading by torch light/candle light on my own and had no problems, in fact I quite enjoyed it.

Yesterday was a completely different story though. Once it started getting dark, I started getting very anxious and couldn't settle myself at all. Decided to have half a glass of wine to try to relax but that just made it worse I think. I had a couple of candles so lit them but was afraid they would run out. I was making dinner and was tempted to just shut off the oven as I was too anxious to eat but decided against that as I had skipped lunch. Put it on a plate, but half of it fell on the floor and I just did not care and left it where it was. Luckily the elec came back on then at 8pm, but it took a good half hour to calm myself, I had a racing heart, was crying and had cold clammy skin.

I have never experienced anything in my life like this! It was completely irrational. I can't explain it, as I wasn't afriad of anyone getting into the hosue and my landlord's house is connected to mine by a courtyard where I easily could have went but had no interest in doing that. I was beyond all rational thinking. It was like I was afraid of being being left alone in the dark with my thoughts. I could have went to the shop across the street to see if they had candles or even asked my landlord, but that was beyond me. I was trapped in this feeling of panic which I couldn't explain.

So now I am left wondering what to do and whether this is something that will just go away on its own. I can't continue as I am indefinitely, thats for sure. I have sent an email to my manager explaining the situation briefly and asking to speak with her, as I was meant to be at a training today but came into the office to work instead. She is a very understanding woman but after what happened previously with the Irish office, I have no idea what the reaction to this is going to be. All I know is that somethings got to give with me before this gets worse.

I also find myself wondering whether the Larium I took at the start is playing a part in this as I have read horror stories of it effecting people for years after they stopped. My ex is still on my mind a lot which comes into it too, and then I wonder if the muggings have had an effect on me that I hadn't realised before. I'm drinking more coffee than usual too, so maybe cutting down on the caffeine would help. Its all very confusing! And I feel like I've lost the person I used to be....a lot of the time I am completely normal, on top of the world, looking forward to what the future holds and the next I'm feeling down and anxious.

Has anyone any experience of these kind of feelings? Or advice on where to go from here?

Thanks for reading!

Chucky the tree

I'd just quit, return to Ireland and seek professional help.

StillWaters

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I'd just quit, return to Ireland and seek professional help.

As someone who is probably old enough to be your mother, I would second that. I would hate to think of my daughter struggling with so much over there.

I think your work has handled this badly, and are not treating their duty of care to you with appropriate severity.

Defiler Of The Coffin

OP, you are having panic attacks. It's best if you look them up online and read about them, if it happens to you again then you won't feel as frightened. You can learn some breathing exercises that can calm you also. I'd recommend a visit to a GP. Don't feel bad for having them, famous people like Noel Gallagher and Bressie have suffered them as well. More than likely they are a symptom of the stress you are currently under but a GP will be able to advise you and rule out any physical causes.

Whatever you decide to do look after yourself.

Dee01

I don't think they're panic attacks, but they probably are anxiety attacks.

If I were you, I would knock all caffeine on the head (for me this includes chocolate, tea, coffee, energy drinks etc). Be careful with alcohol. Personally, I would avoid things like kalms. I just don't trust them (I have had a sever anxiety disorder for 10+ years).

I agree with the above poster - you should research anxiety and panic attacks so you know what you are experiencing is not unique to you. Despite an awful lot of research on my part, I don't find them any less terrifying, but when I am going through an attack, the knowledge is like an additional tool to try calm me down (along with breathing techniques, exercise and mantra's).

I think you need to discuss what you are experiencing with a gp or councillor. The answer may not be medication, there are plenty of other treatments out there. There is a lot if support out there too. One piece of advice - negativity breeds negativity. Surround yourself with positively where possible.

A lot of people famous and otherwise lead perfectly normal lives with issues like this.

Regarding your work life, I wouldn't rush in to anything. Your whole life has changed within a short period of time. Your senses, body and mind are overwhelmed. I would recommend you speak with someone professional before you make any massive decisions.

DeltaWhite

Hey OP

Very sorry to hear of your situation, but just know that panic attacks can be controlled. I suffered with them after a bad break up 4 years ago, and I haven't had one since I went to the doctor and she told me breathing techniques

The odd time I feel that sense of panic in my chest but I just think of something else and it goes away after a minute.

You really will be ok, you're just going through a tough patch, I do think you might be best to come home though. You need familiar surroundings, family, friends etc. Is there any way you could come back to the Irish office for a while? Or any chance of taking a break for a bit?

It will do wonders for you! Fair play to you getting where you are, but its very daunting situation to be dealing with for you at this time. Look after YOU. Health is your wealth!

beks101

It's very difficult to build a career when your emotions are all over the place and your mental health is at risk.

I'd be quite ambitious too, but I've gone through stages where my head has been in a bad place and my work always suffered - late in, bad concentration on projects, making errors, not pushing in the way that I need to, to move forward. I'm very ambitious and expect big things for my career, so that in turn would lead to feelings of guilt, shame, depression, low self worth.

Health first, everything else second. Forget everything else. People will tell you "economy's a mess...what about money...what if you don't get more work..." etc etc. To be quite frank, fuck all that. If you're not healthy and emotionally stable, everything else is irrelevant.

Do what you need to do for yourself, to become mentally and emotionally strong again. If that means your financial situation or your CV suffers, so be it. You're so young, you have all the time in the world to improve those things. But let your mind suffer for the sake of a work contract...and you have nothing.

Best of luck. Hope it all works out for you.

JustAThought

It all sounds like a bit of a mess & I'm sorry to hear that.

It's very hard being away particularly when things are bad at home with illness.

OP - do you Skype? I know you're In Senegal (where!!!?) & the electricity is unreliable but do you have a laptop that you can charge during work & talk then to your friends or family back home via Skype? It might take away the dislocation you feel & help.

I was sorry to hear that you have been mugged -and twice . How awful. I read that you are intermittently sitting in a house with no electricity & you are not using candles because you are afraid they will run out. Go down somewhere and buy a LArGE TORCH . look up online amazon.com or ebay and have a few & batteries shipped to you . There is no need for that & your nerves will be on edge enough without suffering that as well. You can also buy wind up torches ( I have one for my car!) and radios that " go" for 15 minutes a wind - ok not perfect, but far better than sitting in the dark by yourself.

OP -you sound like you love your job & you say it is a great opportunity. Is there a social club part to your job - often corporations will have one & pay/subsidise events. If not can you join up with so
E colleagues to organise a weekly or fortnightly event - it will give you another focus & outlet & you may find someone internal who understands the outlook & culture if the company & may be able to advise better than strangers on boards. ( I know - we're all friends here!!)

It sounds like your HR department is looking at you as a possible exit. This could be because they are worried about your resilience or your performance . They offered you a break between contracts-you said no-then you asked for a few weeks off - can you see how it might appear to them? They no doubt like you and wanted you to stay despite the performance issues you mentioned (late, missing deadlines etc) but they sound like they are now readying to exit you or extend your contract . Do you know how unusual it is to get a few weeks off work - and then to ask for more? With their heightened security they are obviously taking what happened seriously & are paying attention, & care ; but you need to also try to pull your weight & row in ; you say this great job you seem to like which is a great opportunity . There are few jobs here & they are extremely hard to get.

You say your flatmate is fantastic & work are being good. If you think there is a medical issue with your malaria tablets find & see a GP & change tablets. You have to make an effort yourself & take responsibility for your actions otherwise you will find yourself with no job, no reference & no opportunity despite all the effort you have put in. You say you are emailing HQ & also going through your manager & HQ have now stopped replying - I would read this as a firm step back from you . Having been offered a break & a 6 month renewal, You are now
on a reduced 2 month renewal & have recieved a flat no to your requests for more holidays. It's time to focus on being a stellar employee, stop looking for time off and stop putting personal albeit hard personal home complications to employing you at the foot of your
employer. Every person in thst office has a home & has stuff that is complicated going on in the background - you can be guaranteed of it. The company cannot be giving their staff weeks off at a time, changing project components, extending client deadlines & goals for everyone -it is much easier for them to simply stop employing you. Is this what you want?

You will have tough times in personal life & we all do, but we all put them to an extend to one side in work. It won't be as easy to get back in once you have been let go or have a poor reference.

Use the resources you have to make your position better over there. Don't be sitting home alone in the dark - make steps to fix your situation.. Reach out locally to others in person over there not as counselled but as friends -find relaxing ways to unwind . And look to discuss a change of your malaria tablets -like now this weekend - if you think there is s problem. You doctor will tell you - not google or online strangers with no medical insights.

My message might be hard but can still fix this situation & change it around which will give you all kinds of career chances & opportunities. Is a life on the dole here such a compelling alternative?

Niamh88

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate the advise that has been given! It's reassuring to hear about others who have experienced issues with anxiety. My manager who has a background in clinical psychology has recommended I try counselling before this gets any worse which I am looking into now. I am also cutting out the Kalms tablets and reducing caffeine levels. I think accepting that I am experiencing these things and using breathing excercises and positive thinking to get through them, as opposed to concentrating on why it's happening and feeling bad about it will be a big help as well! I think that age old Irish 'all sure I'll be grand' attitude and just powering through has prevented me from accepting that maybe I do need some outside help with this.

JustAThought, thanks for your reply but I think you may have misunderstood parts of my posts. The second post was looking for insights into anxiety issues and was not work related. What happened on Wednesday was completely irrational, it wasn't a matter of not having the option open to me to get more candles, a torch etc, it was an irrational period of panic/anxiety which made me feel trapped and unable to reach out for help at that time. Something I have never experienced before and therefore was a scary experience.

There is no problem with my work right now. I went through a period where my work was effected but this is not the case anymore. My contract was extended a month ago and I have been putting in 150% since then and have been getting great feedback. My problem wasn't that I didn't understand the Irish office's stance on the issue, it was their treatment of me in ignoring emails relating to other work. My manager here was also surprised at their attitude. Thankfully all of this has been resolved now and relations are good. I wouldn't still be here if my work wasn't up to scratch.

In terms of the Larium, I stopped taking that in November after the side effects kicked in. I was worried about residual effects from it as they have been known to last in people for a long time after stopping them. I was never looking for medical insight, I was looking for insight from anyone who has been through periods of anxiety due to stress/emotional strain. I have already talked to friends and family about this, but I find that an outside perspective can be very useful, which I think a lot of people posting on boards also feel.

You seem to be of the opinion that I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself and making no effort. This just isn't the case and if it was I wouldn't still be in Senegal, I would have returned home months ago. I am doing all in my power to improve my situation. As mentioned in my second post, I already have a great group of friends here who I socalise regualerly with. I regularly skype and email friends and family from home, but when the electricity goes out so does the internet so this is not an option during power cuts. I have been putting my all into work and am actively looking for opportunitities for career advancement after this internship. I have been through emotional/traumatic experiences over the past 6 months but I do not concentrate on that. In a way I am actually thankful to have gone through them as I am a stronger person now and believe that everything happens for a reason. I am strong believer that everyone has it in their power to improve their situations and each person is responsible for their own happiness and I try my hardest to live by that concept everyday.

The issue I am having right now is the periods of irratonal anxiety. I want to emphasise that what happened last week was outside of my control, it was not a matter of lack of resources or lack of effort. I am not continually 'sitting at home in the dark'. I had the candles lit and I had a torch last week, but I still panicked. Power cuts happen all the time here and I am well used to them. What caused my anxiety was obviously a culmination of stress I have been under and issues not dealt with after the 2 muggings and was not caused by a lack of resources or an attitude of self pity.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply though, I just feel you are a bit off in your analysis of the situation and maybe I was't 100% clear in my posts. I do appreciate all opinions though!

Thanks again everyone!

bluemagpie

Hey,
From what you say I'd be inclined to think you more or less know what the issues are, re read your posts, you seem like you've your head screwed on to me. I don't think it matters where you are, though if you are in a country in which you feel afraid it would but you say you don't feel afraid, so I wouldn't use it as a reason to quit and return home.

My guess would be that your anxiety attacks are related to the muggings, your career prospects and worry stressing you out over personal issues and treatment from work.

I would assume that you can talk to people where you are about all these issues, so do, and maybe not someone at work, someone objective, even chat to a supportive friend at home, you sound like you have a decent support network. I'd only return home if you want to, there is no shame in returning for any reason, and there is also no point in staying somewhere you don't want to be just for career reasons if that is the case. If you continue to have such episodes see a gp as if you really do like where you are and your career situation I don't think moving country is going to fix it, and worrying about it in silence will probably just make it worse.

changeling

Why sign a second contract if you know yourself you're not feeling well?

What good is a career to you if you're not healthy and happy??

You need to focus on your well-being now and not your career.

Your anxiety attacks will continue if you don't deal with them, get professional help, take time out to look after yourself.