Am I justified in thinking of dumping her?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,(Essay ahead!)
I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half, and we've officially been a couple about 11 months. (We're both 30 years old)
I'm an Irish expat living in London and she is from an Indian background, though her family have lived here for a few generations now.

We met through a dating website and there was an Instant attraction between us. It was a bit slow at the start but she developed a trust in me and we finally began seeing more of each other and we now see each other roughly once a week, and have gone on two great holidays together. We have an amazing connection when together.

Id like to see her more, but she has a job that takes up an unbelievable about of time(shes a medic),and she can be in until 8pm maybe 3 to 4 times a week, its extremely tiring for her, despite all this she likes to stay active, and likes to spend a lot of time with her extended family, particularly her younger sister who she mothers quite a bit(their mother now lives in a different city). Ive never met her family(think may come a shock to Irish people, but its just something that Asians don't do unless they're practically engaged to the person). They know about me, and she has planned to introduce me next month to her siblings.

We finally got around to telling each other that we love each other about a month ago, and I really do, I I know she loves me. We've been talking about our future and kids quite a bit, an had planned to get engaged by maybe this time next year. Theres no issue with her marrying a non Indian guy, as its done in her family, and she thinks her mum will really like me.

Since this happened I expected to see more of her, while the reality is that Its been less. She never wants to stay at my house(I lived in a shared house with people who she gets on with) during the week, because she doesn't sleep well, and its dangerous going into work If you've had little sleep. Ive only stayed at her house a few times because her sister is always there, and she doesn't want to move people in on top of her(Asian thing). She might call over to mine and stay for an hour or two, but then she'll have to go. Tiredness/Sister/Paperwork/

So I was feeling a little pissed off about the whole thing and Ive been telling her that we need to see each other at least every 5 days, shes told me that she cant compromise the time with her sister,(whos 21!).
so although shes spending about half her free time with me it just feels like Im living off scraps.

Anyhow, I was willing to deal with this until last weekend. When something happened that annoyed me so much that I was smoldering! She is going on a holiday with some friends next weekend for about 4 or 5 days(Ive no problem with this), we met on Saturday and went to a premiership game that she had tickets for. I expected that she may come back to mine for some intimacy before she went away(she couldn't stay the night as she had the Indian new year the next day or something), but she decided that after the game she had to leave and get home becasue she had some admin/cleaning, and that her sister, who has exams soon may need help.:mad:, this I can handle. Ill see her when she gets back........

Then while we're walking to the bus stop and about to part ways she starts talking about her friend, its a guy she knows for a few years, they go out for drinks on occasion, and I never really saw him as a threat. Theyre just friends. Shes talking about how handy he is in the property market, and hes made a few smart investments.
Then to my complete surprise she tells me about how theyve been talking about investing in a property....... just something for a few years as she has a nice chunk of money to invest.......
I really didn't know what to say, I wanted to blurt out that It seemed like a f*cking crazy Idea, and was she thinking straight? After everything we'd talked about, involving another person In her life, no matter how handsome/ugly smart/stupid he was just seems completely out of step with me and more in step with him. But I managed to pull a few neutral responses together and we parted ways.

I've asked myself, If it was a female friend that she was investing with would it be different,the answer is yes, although I'm sure id still have major concerns over it. Its her money, shes worked hard for it, he seems like a trustworthy guy, but Jesus... am I just a bit backward??

Maybe I don't want to be left behind, I earn quite a bit of money, but don't have a whole lot put away(and she knows this).
I suppose the biggest threat I feel is that, my time with her is limited enough and this is just another person I have to share her with. I dont think I can stand it.

I don't want to hold her back from financial success, but I just cant have this, and If I do Ill just look like a jealous Idiot. And if she doesn't do it for the sake of me, If we struggle down the road, she'd probably hold it against me.

Please give me your opinions.....

Czarcasm

Well when you read it back yourself OP, what do YOU think? Are you justified in dumping her?

DarkJager

It sounds to me like you are near the bottom of her priorities. A relationship cannot work when one party is happier making all sorts of excuses not to spend time with their partner, especially when free time is so short due to a high pressure career.

I'm not sure how Asian dating culture is supposed to work OP, but I would be personally move on and find someone who enjoys and wants to spend time with you. Culture clashes are understandable but blatant refusal to spend time to growing a relationship is simply a deal breaker in my eyes.

dellas1979

One question really. And youll have your answer (despite all the good things-there will always be a list of good things).

Is it fulfilling your needs to have a relationship like this?

LegacyUser

OP here,

I really dont know how I feel,
Angry, lousy, disillusioned, guilty.

Shes great In every other way, but the thing that annoys me as much as the investment is the time we get together. She refuses to have me stay over because its disrespectful to her mother(who doesn't even live there most of the time).

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

One question really. And youll have your answer (despite all the good things-there will always be a list of good things).

Is it fulfilling your needs to have a relationship like this?

Not at present, but its something I would have waited for given that we were going to get engaged soon and possibly live together.

This investment business, particularly because its a gut, really wrangled me though. I wasn't a bit jealous about him before, now I see him as someone to contend with.

Merkin

What exactly is the issue over her investing in property for you? You list a number of things but don't really list any if that makes sense? She's not planning on living with the guy so how she invests some of her savings shouldn't REALLY matter surely?I don't quite understand how this is the final straw for you?

Corvo

It sounds like she has a very hectic life but I do agree slightly that she is probably not prioritising you in all this.

Before making any rash decisions, you mentioned she does not sleep well in your place. Would she consider a few nights in a nice hotel maybe? I know you said she is also taking a trip away, which shows she can create time for fun outside of work, so surely she can take a few days for you no?

I would give it a chance to be honest. See how she reacts to you over the next few weeks / months.

But OP, I don't know what to make of investment opportunity with her friend. Is there anything in particular that annoyed you so much?

Taltos

Come on OP - the investment business - you know it and I know it - this is just a smokescreen for what is really going on.

It has your focus because by being angry with that you don't have to really look at everything else in this relationship.
Yes you click and yes you get on - but realistically do you see things improving much? Sounds to me that even if/when you get married her life will continue in much the same vein - you are going to still be living off the scraps.

In terms of the investment business - can imagine this came as a shock. Quite a big decision and hardly one that you can really talk about on the way to the bus stop.

Would hate to say it is cultural, but in my book I just don't think you factor highly enough in her life. If I were you I might try to have a final chat with her to clear the air, maybe work out some compromises, maybe she isn't aware of the impact of her actions. But my gut is telling me that her focus is more career, and blood-line family orientated than new family (you) driven...

Catphish

Taltos wrote: »

Come on OP - the investment business - you know it and I know it - this is just a smokescreen for what is really going on.

It has your focus because by being angry with that you don't have to really look at everything else in this relationship.
Yes you click and yes you get on - but realistically do you see things improving much? Sounds to me that even if/when you get married her life will continue in much the same vein - you are going to still be living off the scraps.

In terms of the investment business - can imagine this came as a shock. Quite a big decision and hardly one that you can really talk about on the way to the bus stop.

Would hate to say it is cultural, but in my book I just don't think you factor highly enough in her life. If I were you I might try to have a final chat with her to clear the air, maybe work out some compromises, maybe she isn't aware of the impact of her actions. But my gut is telling me that her focus is more career, and blood-line family orientated than new family (you) driven...

This line stands out for me a lot. Shes a very astute woman in terms of her finances, and makes no qualms about putting in the hours to get what she wants. Generally speaking medics work very long hours and shift hours at that, only those truly committed to their work will survive that.

My feeling is she does enjoy your company op, but her career and financial success are her priorities from what I can see. If it was any more than that she would have mentioned the investment before.

Distorted

Of all the things you list that basically mean you aren't at the same place in your lives just now, investing in property seems so far removed from a valid concern that I'm struggling to see what business it is of yours. Seriously, she is your girlfriend of slightly less than one year. What gives you the right to dictate what she does with her money? You haven't even mentioned whether she intends letting out the property or living in it. How affordable do you think property is in London to people of 30 buying on their own? You sound a bit niaive about investing in property. Do you think she should be buying with you, or with a female friend, or living in rented accommodation just because it suits you? But as you yourself admit, you don't really have any savings to be looking at buying a property with. Its really got absolutely nothing to with you. Even if you were married, and it was her own money, it would have nothing to do with you. You don't even live with her, yet you want to control what she does with her own money??

From that, I'm wondering whether you are a bit controlling and/or needy. All your post mentions is your needs. The fact that she is a busy doctor is mentioned in passing. I've got a few friends who are doctors, and they do have very little spare time, which they have to balance between competing interests. Most of them are pretty well balanced people, but don't obsess over their relationships. (And they are all in relationships).

I could pretty much guarantee that she is thinking that boyfriends come and go, if they are really into you as a person (as opposed to what they can get out of you) they stay, but at age 30 she is very wise not to risk her career, her savings or her relationship with her family for a boyfriend of less than one year.

You talk about "sharing" her with people - do you expect a girl to give up her life and family on getting a boyfriend?

I suspect that, much as you have reservations about her, she equally has reservations about you. Your post is riddled with insecurity, and I think you know it too...

LegacyUser

I don't understand why you get angry with her going to buy a property with a friend as an investment? It's just an investment? I would personally do the same if I have got a friend who would invest with me in a property. I really cant see the big deal behind it. And unless I am very sure my boyfriend can afford the investment, and that we have a very solid relationship, I would not invest with my boyfriend.

tinkerbell

OP, I don't think you factor very highly in her life. Also, regarding "dictating what your gf does with her money", that's not the problem at all. The problem is you and your gf plan to settle down. What if her buying an investment property completely screws up your future plans, ie buying a house between the two of you? The banks may not lend to her twice.

I think you need to have a long talk with her and figure out what the deal is because right now, her priority is her career and her family.

Distorted

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, I don't think you factor very highly in her life. Also, regarding "dictating what your gf does with her money", that's not the problem at all. The problem is you and your gf plan to settle down. What if her buying an investment property completely screws up your future plans, ie buying a house between the two of you? The banks may not lend to her twice.

Do you not think the fact that the OP doesn't have a deposit himself a barrier? The banks may not lend to him at all, unless his girlfriend props him up financially! Investment properties can be sold, and certainly in London they can be sold. But deposits take years to save up.

Someone trying to control a woman's savings, after only 11 months with them, would be a big red flag for many people. I'm sure this isn't the OP's intention at all, but he must be aware this is how it can come across. I don't see what the OP is bringing to the table, to be honest. He gives the impression he thinks he is doing his girlfriend a great favour by spending time with her, but from what he describes, it seems to involve staying in at nights while she does more fun things with her friends (who seem to have been around longer in her life than he does). He doesn't even sound as though he likes her that much, as opposed to simply lusting after her.

(I'm only guessing she is a doctor, as the OP refers to her as a "medic", which could encompass every job from a paramedic to a nurse to a surgeon, but becoming a doctor requires years of study and hard work).

December2012

Op there are a few things that are popping up to me.

Your other half has a demanding job and can't stay at your house.

There is nothing wrong with her focusing on her career, she's still in the establishing years and its ok that it's her priority.

Also, even though her sister is 21 she may still need attention and you cannot be jealous of her.

I don't understand your concerns about the financial investment - do you feel put out because she has another life outside you that you don't know about? Because that jumps out to me from your post.

blatantrereg

Talk about moving in together? For all you know that might be her agenda wrt the property investment - getting somewhere that you and she could live. In any case - her talking about property presents a natural opening for that line of conversation.

Would it bother you to be paying rent to her friend in a property co-owned by him and her?

Koptain Liverpool

Yes I think you should finish with her. You're obviously not her priority. You sound like you're an accessory to her rather than a boyfriend

If you think things are bad now imagine what it would be like if you got married.

I've gone out with girls like her before and put off dumping them because I fancied them so much. She won't change trust me. Her Asian culture could play a part in it as a few of the Asian girls I've dated were like this but on the other hand others weren't.

Dump her now, enjoy being single for a while and you'll meet someone better down the road - someone who actually enjoys spending time with you rather than someone you have to pester to spend time with you.

Koptain Liverpool

blatantrereg wrote: »

Talk about moving in together? For all you know that might be her agenda wrt the property investment - getting somewhere that you and she could live. In any case - her talking about property presents a natural opening for that line of conversation.

Would it bother you to be paying rent to her friend in a property co-owned by him and her?

Why the hell would he want to move in with her when she's obviously not that into the relationship???
Moving in with someone in the hope that the relationship will magically get better is not a good idea. For most people the years of daily wild passionate sex come before they move in together, not after

Koptain Liverpool

Merkin wrote: »

What exactly is the issue over her investing in property for you? You list a number of things but don't really list any if that makes sense? She's not planning on living with the guy so how she invests some of her savings shouldn't REALLY matter surely?I don't quite understand how this is the final straw for you?

Most normal people, when they're thinking about potentially getting married, don't go off and buy a house with someone else - they start to plan about getting a house themselves.

Lorna123

I would feel that buying a house with someone else and making an investment is fine had she discussed it first with the man she is about to become engaged to. I think that is the hurtful part, she is not even considering asking you for advice about all of this which is a pretty big step. No wonder you are feeling left out. I don't think I would bother with her anymore, she has laid her cards on the table about how she feels about you OP and it doesn't look like she has much regard for you. This is not the sort of relationship you want to be stuck with for the future. I would alienate myself from her.

Lenmeister

DarkJager wrote: »

It sounds to me like you are near the bottom of her priorities. A relationship cannot work when one party is happier making all sorts of excuses not to spend time with their partner, especially when free time is so short due to a high pressure career.

I'm not sure how Asian dating culture is supposed to work OP, but I would be personally move on and find someone who enjoys and wants to spend time with you. Culture clashes are understandable but blatant refusal to spend time to growing a relationship is simply a deal breaker in my eyes.

Ya I have to agree with this. Many people in the medical profession do have all over the place hours / on call etc, but that should be no excuse for not seeing you more than once a week was it? Especially if you don't live too far from each other. And not wanting to stay at your place or want you to stay at hers? Come on. If you've already slept together then what's the problem? And her sister is 21, why is she spending so much time with her and not you?

It doesn't sound like you're at the top of her list. I'd sit down and have a chat with her. If she can't see you more - and keep in mind you are together 11 months - I'd be looking elsewhere. Maybe it's just me and that's just the whole asian thing, but I couldn't deal with that. If this is really getting you down and frustrating you then you need to talk to her about it. You're obviously frustrated because she seems to have time for her sister and family and not you, and then suddenly another guy that you've never even heard of before just comes into the picture out of the blue and takes up more of her time that you feel should be spent with you. You're going to have to decide if the time you spend together is enough for you right now until you move in together. And don't say her sister will move in with you.

About the investment thing. It's her money, not yours. It's none of your business what she does with it. Yes you are making a huge deal out of something that has nothing to do with you. You're not even married and even if you were it would still be her hard earned money. As long as what she spent money on didn't impact your life then it wouldn't be your concern.

Oryx

This girl is living her life to the full, looking after her family and working hard to achieve what she wants. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. The problem is that you both want different things. She prioritises success in her career, you want emotional fulfilment. For all your talk of engagement and marriage, this girl is moving merrily along with her own plans anyway. I honestly cannot reconcile what you say about the relationship (marriage plans) with how this girl is living. Nothing of what you say about her describes a woman who is ready to settle down. Nor does it describe a woman deeply committed to you.

Maybe she doesn't realise how offhand she seems. Maybe she feels you are (or should be) content with the contact you have. She seems very driven, and assumes you are the same? Or maybe she is just not as deeply invested in the relationship as you are.

You need to talk to her, and say where you are coming from. Neither of you is right or wrong here, really, but you are not getting what you need from the relationship, and its a case of things changing, or ending, really.