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Father is transgender

  • 14-04-2013 10:39pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi
    I'm in my mid twenties, male and just need to get this off my chest.

    My father came out as transgender in January. I already posted about this in the LGBT forum but its nice to get some fresh advice.
    Its very hard to summarise my feelings on the whole thing.
    I have been living in the UK now for good few years so I barely see him. But while I was home he came out. He had come out a year earlier to my mum.
    I'm in my final year at University and will be starting work shortly after my exams. I am trying to finish my dissertation at the moment.
    Its really affecting my concentration. I have always had problems concentrating anyway, I don't get a choice in what my mind wants to think about on any given day. Everything was fine for a while when I found out he had stopped the hormone treatment. I don't why this helped but it did.
    I just found out last week that he's back on the hormones and is now going full steam ahead with plans to come out and go public in autumn and get the operation when he can afford it. So my concentration is screwed again.

    I have been to see the student councillor and it helped alot, but in 5 weeks I wont be a stupid anymore and starting my (dream) job in the middle of nowhere with no support like that easily available.
    I'm also being given extra time for my dissertation and other assignments but I feel like I'm an idiot for struggling with this so much and feel guilty because all my colleagues are stressing about ever closing deadlines.
    The other problem is, my request for extra time won't be dealt with until after exams etc. So if I take extra time and my request isn't approved everything I hand in after the deadlines will be capped at a D.
    I think anyone who looks at the reasons for me needing the extra time is not going to believe its a big deal.
    I mean it shouldn't be a big deal, I'm nearly 25 years old for **** sake.
    Sorry for the length of that post, but some advice and input would be appreciated. It feels good just to get it off my chest.


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm not really sure how I would take that kind of new if I'm honest, but all you can really do is give support.

    I know a few transgender/transsexual people who have gone through the procedure/change.
    You may not agree with it but your father is going through a huge transition. He is still the same person, you can still maintain a relationship.

    Try reach out to him and gain some perspective and understanding.


  • #3
    blatantrereg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    It would be a big deal to most people. Normal to be bothered by it. Your guilt and self-recrimination for being distracted are misplaced.
    People can't help how they're wired, but discovering your father's identity is fundamentally different to what you had always been led to believe is going to be a shock. His relationship with your mother was also founded on a misrepresentation of whom he actually is too.
    Stopping the hormone treatments would have helped because at that point your father was not in the process of physically eradicating his masculinity. It's pretty drastic, and unusual: I've never known anybody whose done that or expressed an interest in doing so.

    I'd suggest that his timing was thoughtless, telling you at the start of your final year. Crazy that your request for extra time won't be dealt with until after your exams.


  • #4
    Catphish
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Catphish


    It's perfectly normal to feel confused about this op. For all these years you've had a father, and now the man as you know him will be gone once he's had his operations. Talk to your mother about this, as she has known for a year longer than you. She probably felt the exact same as you, but I'd imagine she has reached some level of acceptance with it all. Another thing I think you could do is try some counselling. Your mind is in a bit of a jumble at the moment, and I think counselling could help you process it, and in turn you can re-focus on your studies. It can be such a relief to talk to someone.


  • #5
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    A friend of mine had his father come out as gay when he was a teenager. He was shocked, upset, confused and didn't really know how to handle it. It took a few years for him to be able to have a relationship with his father again but it can happen. You are not silly for having negative feelings towards this. It is a huge shock to you and you might benefit from having conselling to help work through your feeling. Good luck with your exams :)


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