start of a story...

alfa beta

Just posting the first half or so of a short story I've been playing around with for a few days. You guys might like to give it the once over. It needs finishing and then it needs editing and polishing (and of course it needs naming!)....but let's get it underway in any case:

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The little orange dashboard light, the one with the fuel-tank on it, had been blinking at me for about twenty miles. I knew I had to stop. Though I would have preferred not to.

It was cold when I got out of the car. Much colder than I thought it would be. An icy wind had taken hold of the afternoon and now it swept unhindered across the dank forecourt. It blew tiny pellet-like grains of dry snow against my face and my clothes. I squinted my eyes until they were almost shut and I pressed my lips close together, clenching my teeth behind them. Then I stood, hunched my shoulders slightly and felt the fingers of my right hand go just a little numb as they squeezed on the frozen metal handle of a diesel pump. I was glad when I got into the shop to pay.

The girl behind the counter smiled when I handed her a fifty euro note. I smiled back. She said something about the weather and I nodded. She had an accent that suggested she was used to much colder though. And facial features that matched. Russian. Ukranian maybe. Attractive in a hard sort of a way. I was going to ask her where she came from. But then I didn’t. Because there was no point. I didn’t really care.

I walked quickly back to the car and pulled the door shut as soon as I sat in. I started the engine and drove forward. The Russian or Ukranian was smiling and nodding at the next customer. I wondered if she had a boyfriend or a husband and then I wondered what her ass might look like when her underwear was pulled down over her thighs. Pretty good, I thought and I smiled a small private smile.

The main road was quiet when I joined it. Few cars, fewer lorries. Typical January afternoon. It would be getting dark in an hour or so and even colder when the light faded. The forecast had warned of snow for high-ground and the traffic guy on the radio had been going on and on about driving conditions deteriorating during the evening. It was the type of thing he’d been looking forward to since June. You could tell from the slightly hysterical tone in his voice. It was the reason he’d taken the job. He could at last say things like ‘gritters out in force‘ and ‘the sally gap is impassable‘ and ‘winter tyre advice’. Gob****e.

I had about an hour’s journey ahead of me. Just over fifty miles. A little longer than my usual commute. But that was fine. I liked driving. And this was an easy drive. Dual carriageway for the first twenty minutes followed by a wide, main road for the rest of the journey. I had the radio on. A Newstalk guy, whose name I couldn’t remember, was interviewing some other guy, whose name I didn’t know. It was an entertaining conversation.

I put the heater on high for a few moments, just to feel my fingers thaw again, and I flicked the wipers from intermittent to constant as more and more grains of that fine snow began to hit the windscreen. As I got up to speed I saw a large black Mercedes appear in my rearview mirror and then cruise past. CLS the letters on the boot lid said. It had a mean and elegant curve. It was the type of car that would make me look on Ebay later or maybe Autotrader. I watched it disappear into the distance ahead, its tail-lights glowing ominously like lit cigarettes in the dull grey light that surrounded it. Beautiful.

The snow gradually became heavier. It began to change from little pellets to proper flakes. Soon the countryside around me and the ditches to the left and right were beginning to whiten.

I was about fifteen minutes into the journey when a pair of flashing hazard lights caught my attention. I was driving at a steady, comfortable pace which meant it was easy to brake and pull in. I was still on the dual carriageway and the margins on each side were wide. I came to a stop, put the gearstick into reverse and slowly backed up the fifty or so yards I’d overshot the stationary car by. I could see the driver now in my mirror. She was on the phone. I guessed she had probably already arranged whatever she needed to. But I thought I should check in any case, just to make sure.

I pulled my coat around me and got out. This time I knew what to expect and the cold didn’t seem quite so bad. I walked briskly back towards the car with the flashing orange lights. It was small and red. A Toyota Yaris or something along those lines. The noise of the passing traffic was louder than I thought it would be. I kept in close to the grass verge as I walked.

By the time I got to the car, the driver had lowered her window and was looking out expectantly.

‘You in trouble?’ I asked, shouting over the sound of a passing truck.

‘I don’t know what’s happened. It just cut out,’ she said. She rolled her eyes to indicate her annoyance before continuing, ‘I’ve sort of run down the battery trying to restart it.’

‘Have you got someone coming out to you?’ I briefly took my hand out of my pocket and pointed to her phone.

She shook her head. ‘Not yet. Left a couple of messages on my Mum’s phone. But I don’t know when she’ll pick them up.’

‘Well, you can’t stay out here. You have no heating or anything,’ I said. ‘I’m heading on for another thirty miles or so. Where do you live? I can drop you home.’

‘What about the car?’

‘Lock it. Leave it here. Come back later with some help and get it towed.’

‘I spose so,’ she said. Then she asked ‘Are you sure?’

‘Course I am,’ I said. ‘Now where do you need to get to?’

She hesitated for a moment. Then she seemed to shrug off any worries she might have had and told me the name of a small village which I knew was just off the main road, about twenty minutes from where we now were. Hardly a diversion at all. ‘No problem whatsoever,’ I said. I felt the cold spray from a passing car on the back of my neck. ‘Come on then,’ I said, ‘it’s bloody freezing out here.’

‘Oh yeah ok.’ She opened the door and stumbled a little getting out. I began to walk back to my car while she locked hers. I’d had enough of standing on the road. I sat in and waited. I saw her approach from behind, walking quickly up to the passenger door, swinging it open and sitting in. She cupped her hands in front of her mouth and blew air into them, before making an exaggerated ‘brr’ sound.

I looked at her and turned the heating up to max.

‘Thanks’ she said glancing over at me.

‘You okay?’ I asked.

‘Just cold. The engine was off for about ten minutes and there was no heat left.’

‘I’m surprised no-one stopped,’ I said.

‘No. No-one. Not til you came along. I suppose because of phones and stuff people don’t stop to help anymore.’

‘I suppose so,’ I said. I glanced in the mirror, indicated right and carefully rejoined the lane.

‘Some weather,’ she said.

‘It’s getting nasty all right,’ I replied. ‘Definitely wouldn’t want to be stuck out in it.’

‘No,’ she said and then she was quiet for a while. I switched the radio to a music channel and kept the volume low. I could just see the side of her face in the edge of the mirror. She was in her mid twenties I guessed. Small. five foot three or so. Slim. Pretty. No doubt about that. She wore a warm-looking woolen top over a white tee-shirt and and short skirt over leggings that were more like ski-pants than tights. She was certainly dressed for the weather and the look suited her.

‘Thanks again,’ she said after a few moments. ‘I really appreciate this.’

‘It’s no problem,’ I said. And it wasn’t. It really wasn’t.

She smiled and looked over at me again. I liked her smile and this time I met her glance and smiled back as reassuringly as I could.

‘Nice car’, she said.

‘Oh it’s not the worst.’ I answered. ‘I’ve had it a long time now, but it does what it’s supposed to and it’s never let me down.’

‘Unlike one particular model I could mention.’

I nodded. ‘Ah that’ll be fine. It’s probably nothing. You sure you weren’t just out of fuel?’

‘Positive,’ she said. ‘I had about half a tank.’

‘Still, it’ll probably be something simple.’

‘And cheap hopefully,’ she added.

‘True,’ I said.

I had no idea how engines worked. I had no idea what might have been wrong with her car. It didn’t matter. I was just making the right noises.

She sat with both of her hands resting on her right leg, just above the knee. I glanced down at her fingers. She was wearing an engagement ring but no wedding band. I liked that. I wasn’t sure why. I figured there’d just be something nice about upsetting someone’s wedding plans.

She noticed me looking. I decided to use the opportunity. ‘Don’t worry,‘ I said, ‘I wasn’t trying to pick you up or anything. Nice ring though.’

‘Thanks,‘ she said. There was a hint of embarrassment. I liked that too.

‘When’s the big day?‘ I asked.

‘Nothing set in stone yet,’ she said.

‘Oh you must have some idea.’

‘Well, we’re thinking a winter wedding. Maybe around Christmas.’

‘That’d be nice.’

‘Are you married?’ she asked.

I nodded. ‘Happily married for the last eight years. We tied the knot in the winter too. After Christmas though. End of January 2004. I remember it well.’

‘Aw, that’s sweet.’

‘Yeah. It was great. Friends, family. All together. All in one place. Really great.’

She turned and faced forwards, looking out the windscreen. ‘Wouldn’t it be lovely if it snowed on your wedding day?’ she said, as much to herself, it seemed, as to me.

‘A real white wedding,’ I added.

‘Yeah,’ she smiled again. ‘That would be amazing. Imagine the photographs.’

‘Yes, but only if the photographer managed to turn up.’

‘That’s true,’ she said and laughed a tiny, delicate laugh. ‘Didn’t think about that. Actually snow mightn’t be such a good thing after all.’

Her laugh was a beautiful thing. It floated around in my head for a few moments, like a pleasantly reverberating echo. The sound was so light, so playful, so comfortable. I wanted her to laugh again. I wanted to hear that sound again. I wanted to remember it precisely, so that I could summon it up later. When I guessed she wouldn’t be laughing at all.

I tried to think of something witty to say. But I couldn’t. And after a while I gave up. Maybe something would spring up in conversation as we drove. I could wait. I wasn’t in any hurry.

Nothing did spring up however. In fact as the journey progressed, she grew quiet and somewhat thoughtful. I imagined she might have been trying to work out how best to get her car home or wondering how much it was going to cost to fix. I let her mull things over. I didn’t really feel like making conversation. There was no need for it. It served no purpose. She was already in the car. She didn’t need to be lured. I turned up the radio just a little and tapped my fingers gently on the wheel to the beat of a pop song I didn’t know and didn’t like.

When we were about ten miles from where she’d told me she lived, I flicked the indicator to the left. ‘I just need to drop something off to a friend up this road. It’s only a mile or so. Is that okay?’

She nodded and said ‘Yeah, no problem.’

I slowed and checked in the mirror to see if there was anyone behind me. There wasn’t. The road was clear for as far as I could see, which by now wasn’t very far at all.

‘Snow’s getting heavier,’ I said.

She nodded. ‘It is, isn’t it.’

I changed down to second and turned the wheel. The new surface was suddenly much rougher. An older, coarser chip meant the car now juddered and rumbled along. I gradually brought the speed back up to about thirty and kept it at that. The road we were now on was bumpy and narrow and set at quite a steep incline. It was also quiet. Completely deserted in fact. Which was perfect. Patchy grass grew in a line along the centre of the ancient tarred surface. And the ditches on each side were overgrown and unkempt. They seemed to lean in towards us, with briars that occasionally tapped on the passing glass of the car windows. The small amount of snow that had settled on the road displayed no evidence of other tyre tracks. All good.

After about a mile a forest appeared. I knew it would of course. I had driven all these routes many times - looking for the best spots. The trees that sprang up around us were already outlined in a gleaming, glistening white. They shimmered against the darkening sky to the East. The scene was like something from a different part of the world, a colder, more dramatic, more beautiful - and perhaps more treacherous - part. I saw my passenger lean forward a little in her seat and look out. She was smiling a small smile of wonderment. Admiring the unfamiliar contours of a frozen landscape.

That was when I flicked the switch for the automatic central locking.

All four door locks clunked in unison.

It took her a second to realise something was wrong. Her hesitation was kind of sweet. I figured it meant she’d trusted me. But not anymore. Now her head swung quickly in my direction. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were just a little wider than they had been. A little unsure. A little worried.

She didn’t say anything though. Not yet.

I looked at her. ‘It’s just up here now.’

She swallowed.

‘What is?’ she asked.

I noticed a quiver in her voice. A wonderful quiver. She’d tried to hide it. To drown it out with a show of self-assuredness. But it hadn’t worked. It was there. In the background. The slightest, tiniest, quiver. Fear. I felt a pulse of excitement ripple through my own body. I felt it in all the right places. Fear. I moved my legs slightly apart and pushed back into the drivers seat, to give myself more room where I now needed it.

‘My friend’s house,’ I said, ‘what did you think I meant?’

She turned away from me and looked ahead. She was trying to make up her mind about something. I could sense it. Trying to work out the best thing to say, I guessed. I was right.

‘Why did you lock the doors?’ she asked.

The direct approach was novel. None of them had ever asked that before. Usually they just sat there and became increasingly worried. This one was feisty. This one would be fun.

‘I didn’t. They just do that sometimes. Probably something wrong with the electrics.’

She knew I was lying.

For a few minutes she said nothing more. We juddered and rumbled on in a tense silence.


(To be continued....but only if you hit the ‘thanks’ button!!)

hcass

Loved it! The way you so so slowly build the tension. The subtle hints dropped. Perfect.

I can't wait to hear the next installment - my heart was beating faster and faster as I read on.

Just silly grammar stuff - whose not who's and I thought pretty good and I smiled a small private smilee. I would write "Pretty good, I thought and I smiled a small private smile." instead

Happyman42

Don't want to be negative, you have a nice uncluttered style, but it was trying so so hard to be bland at the start that it is kinda obvious where it is going. Maybe there is another twist and maybe there isn't but it seems to me that it's not getting to the heart of 'real' characthers at all.
Just mho.

alfa beta

wish it was that obvious to me happyman - I've no idea what's gonna happen and I'm s'posed to be writing the damn thing!!!

As for the lack of depth or 'heart' in the characters - I like the fact you've commented on that - I'm trying to keep the narrator very top-level, very shallow if you know what I mean....he sees, he hears, but that's about it. I want him to narrate the story but I don't want him to be 'understood' or 'excused' in any way by the reader.

That's why his opinion of the girl behind the til in the shop is purely sexual, it's why he thinks the weather reporter is a gob****e, it's why he admires the big merc that sails past and why his perception of the passenger he picks up is simply physical - her size, her age, her clothes....nothing more (until later on when he tinks her 'feisty and possibly fun') - there's no depth to him - everything is seen/understood very much at face-value.

It's also why the conversation doesn't go anywhere beyond basic small talk - coz he can't be bothered - he doesn't need to.

I think you've picked up on something intentional - unfortunately you didn't like it - but I'm sorta pleased in a way (if you know what I mean.)

thanks for reading and posting

alfa beta

hcass wrote: »

The way you so so slowly build the tension.

that's the thing though hcass - is it too slow...??

you've read it exactly how I wanted it to be read....but I bet you there were fifty others who got to the third or fourth or fifth paragraph and thought '**** this for a game of soldiers, I'm outta here'

(love what you post by the way - just last night I was ooohing and aaahing over your fab plastic thing - so I'm very pleased that you've given this piece the thumbs up......but I'm just not sure about it at all! - guess the best thing to do is keep writing it until I know for certain whether it's something people will want to read or alternatively if it's meant for the bin!)

Zillah

I quite enjoyed the hints about him as it developed. I'd definitely shorten the section between petrol and picking her up, I really got bored there and almost stopped

alfa beta

just whipped about four paragraphs out of the intro section - it was definitely dragging. A bit happier with it now.

hcass

alfa beta wrote: »

that's the thing though hcass - is it too slow...??

you've read it exactly how I wanted it to be read....but I bet you there were fifty others who got to the third or fourth or fifth paragraph and thought '**** this for a game of soldiers, I'm outta here'

(love what you post by the way - just last night I was ooohing and aaahing over your fab plastic thing - so I'm very pleased that you've given this piece the thumbs up......but I'm just not sure about it at all! - guess the best thing to do is keep writing it until I know for certain whether it's something people will want to read or alternatively if it's meant for the bin!)

I really, really liked it. I didn't think it was too slow at all. I re-read it there though and still love it with the changes you have made. I almost gave up too, on my first reading, but something kept me there... expectation,? I'm not sure of the word, how ironic in a CW forum. It was filled with it anyway and made me not want to give up. Yeah, best piece I've read on here in ages.

ciaranmac

I had a bad feeling about it from a few paragraphs in. In a sort of I'm-nervous-about-reading-more way. Well done on building up the tension. Creepy...

Happyman42

alfa beta wrote: »

wish it was that obvious to me happyman - I've no idea what's gonna happen and I'm s'posed to be writing the damn thing!!!

As for the lack of depth or 'heart' in the characters - I like the fact you've commented on that - I'm trying to keep the narrator very top-level, very shallow if you know what I mean....he sees, he hears, but that's about it. I want him to narrate the story but I don't want him to be 'understood' or 'excused' in any way by the reader.

That's why his opinion of the girl behind the til in the shop is purely sexual, it's why he thinks the weather reporter is a gob****e, it's why he admires the big merc that sails past and why his perception of the passenger he picks up is simply physical - her size, her age, her clothes....nothing more (until later on when he tinks her 'feisty and possibly fun') - there's no depth to him - everything is seen/understood very much at face-value.

It's also why the conversation doesn't go anywhere beyond basic small talk - coz he can't be bothered - he doesn't need to.

I think you've picked up on something intentional - unfortunately you didn't like it - but I'm sorta pleased in a way (if you know what I mean.)

thanks for reading and posting

Fair enough. I just think it needs something more...a more distinctive and interesting thought pattern perhaps? Something stand out which would make more than an excerise in style. Look forward to reading it in it's entirety.

Carraig95

Very impressed. Can pretty much tell after a few para's what the protagonist is like. That's good though. Interesting and good build up of tension. Maybe lose a lot of the 'she said' 'I said'. Once you establish that there are only two people in the car it's a given that either she or he speaks.

Best I've seen in a a good while.