Unrequited feelings getting me down

LegacyUser

Ive been friends with a girl for about a year and there is a 9 year age gap, im 33 and shes 24

im mad about her and she doesnt feel the same

It gets me down every time we meet up, we sometimes spent time together alone as we have common interests

Should i stop being friends with her? A lot of the time id initiate the contact altho she does sometimes as well

I know she likes me a lot as a person and it would be hard on both of us to cut her out completely but i hate the feeling of rejection.

she has indicated that age gap is a big issue and perhaps the main reason for us just being friends but i suspect its probably just a lack of physical attraction on her side, i mean we get on so well and are very similar people with a similar outlook on life and we have a great laugh together so surely if she was attracted to me the gap wouldnt stop her, or would it?

sorry if this is long but basically
1) should i stop hanging out with her for my own sanity/self-esteem etc?
2) would a girl who felt something for someone not go with it because of an age gap? or am i just fooling myself that there might be something there?

Would really appreciate a female perspective on this

ivytwine

Hey OP,

I hate to say it but if she really did want to be with you, she would be.

I'm the same age as her and while the age gap would put me off quite a lot (a 33 year old is at a pretty different stage of life generally speaking) if there was someone I really liked I'd make an exception. I'm sorry to say it doesn't seem like she shares your feelings.

Ye may get on very well but I think maybe you should cool the friendship until your feelings for her fade. It's really very hard to be a good friend to someone you have feelings for. I've tried it and it doesn't work.

Sorry OP, I'm sure the right one's out there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that

yeah i guess you've confirmed what I already intuitively knew.

I suppose I should cool the friendship. Its so difficult though.

When u finally meet someone you have an huge emotional attraction to and all you want to do is be in their company..

c'est la vie i suppose

ivytwine

lovesickdude wrote: »

Thanks for that

yeah i guess you've confirmed what I already intuitively knew.

I suppose I should cool the friendship. Its so difficult though.

When u finally meet someone you have an huge emotional attraction to and all you want to do is be in their company..

c'est la vie i suppose

I know OP, it sucks But give yourself time and space and it will get better...

DoozerT6

Yes OP, what ivytwine said is true. Please don't fall into the trap of hanging around with someone you really, really like when they clearly don't feel the same about you. I've done it and believe me it leads nowhere but Sadsville.

To be honest, I'd just cut all contact with her for the time being (you can tell her why or not, you know her best so you can judge how she'd react to that). If you can't just be friends with her, then don't have her in your life at all. IMO, it will make it too painful for you and make it harder to move on if you see her even infrequently and she's nice/friendly to you. This may get your hopes up that her feelings have changed and you're right back at square one. Try and meet someone else you could date. This might help clarify how you really feel about her if there is someone else in your life romantically.

I know how much this sucks. But personally I have found that cutting contact has been the only way I can really get over these crushes. Best of luck!

Stavro Mueller

+1 to what the others have said. I feel for you, I really do. It can be hard to meet someone and soul-destroying when it turns out they don't feel the same way about you

It might be worth asking yourself how you'll feel should she meet someone else. Could you cope with hearing about her new boyfriend, meeting him, going out socially with them?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

Yeah I think it would be difficult hanging out with her if she had a bf or even if she talked about one etc

I know logically that i should not hang out with her anymore and just get on with meeting someone else. I have been out on dates while i've known her but no-one has compared to her so i didn't follow up on them.

It can be hard to give someone a chance that u meet on a night out when u compare them to someone you're mad about... and i also felt it a bit unfair on those people i went on dates with. Like i had one date with a really nice girl and couldnt even concentrate properly as i was thinking of this girl during it and how i wished it was her i was with

I really don't know if i can cut all contact with her though, feels quite cold to do that even if i tell her why. i suppose that i have to though

Asbury Park

lovesickdude wrote: »

Like i had one date with a really nice girl and couldnt even concentrate properly as i was thinking of this girl during it and how i wished it was her i was with

I was in a similar situation to you a while back OP and eventually I just had to cut contact even though I regarded the girl in question as a good friend, and she regarded me in the same way (that was the problem :rolleyes:). My feelings for her had intruded on more than one other nascent relationship and I was the one who ended up hurting other girls' feelings because I couldn't commit myself to going out with them. These situations can become toxic, OP, there is no other word for it and for the sake of your own esteem, you have to cut contact. I promise you, within weeks of cutting all contact, you will feel so much better.

2Mad2BeMad

if only we could be born within the same year in these instances
would make life alot easier for us
no harm asking her outstraight OP but it might effect your friendship
other then that if i was in your position i would try to see less or her
but sounds as if you have a great friendship so would you like to lose that?

LegacyUser

Yeah thats the big problem. Apart from the romantic side of things, i really dont want to lose the friendship.

Its not that i find it hard to make friends - because i dont - but she is a great friend and people who make u feel good about yourself are always worth being around especially if u really enjoy their company

Id love to keep the friendship and get rid of the feelings but its just that i cant seem to do it and i spend most of the time hoping i could somehow change her mind....like with some of the threads you read on here about women who werent that 'into' their boyfriends at first and gradually fell for them - i think, well maybe that could happen

never thought id fall for someone that much younger but honestly when i hang out with her the age gap is not that much of a factor and we are not really at different stages of life. Like i don't think shes the type to want to play the field so to speak, i get the impression that she just wants to find someone.

problem is, it just seems to be someone else