How can I ever leave home?

LegacyUser

I am 24, finished college, have an okay job that I enjoy most of the time and I’m in a wonderful relationship. I still live at home with my parents. From the outside I probably look like I have it pretty good, and in some respects I do and I’m doing fantastically, except for one thing and that is that I can’t see how I can ever move out of the family home, guilt free.

I am an only child without a close knit extended family. My mother is an abusive (but functioning alcoholic) my father is physically disabled, and although he’s in reasonably good health all things considered, he’s not a strong man. Not physically anyway, mentally he’s a rock I could never be.

My Dad is a wonderful man. He’s intelligent and a real gent. There’s not a bad bone in his body and he’s been an absolute hero to me my whole life. My mother abuses him horribly. Every single night she gets drunk, violent and aggressive. Past six every evening (weekends being the worst) something will start her off, something as simple as asking what does she want to watch TV or trying to strike up a conversation over what you did today and ten minutes later she’ll be telling him he’s ignorant, he’s pathetic, mocking his disability or any number of things I won’t repeat. The worst nights will have her throwing bits of furniture out of her way or pushing him. It all ends when she’s drunk enough to fall asleep and the following day it’s forgotten about.

This pattern has gone on as long as I can remember. Talking to her sober or not does not fix it. She has refused counselling and will not stop drinking. I was the main victim of her abuse for a long time up until about four years ago. I don’t know what happened that she stopped seeing me as a target, maybe I just got older, but I am now ignored. Honestly, I would rather be the target if it kept her away from my Dad. I am so desperately sorry I can’t protect him. He was the one who raised me. Not to say my mother did nothing, she was my primary carer for years while my Dad worked full time, but he was the one who took care of me when I was sick, he was the one who made my school lunches, he was the one to listen to how my day went, he was the one who helped with school. He woke me up in the mornings and put me to bed at night when I was small. I’d give anything to take him away and keep him safe but he won’t go. For better or worse he will stay with his wife and financially and practically now they are tied together. They’ve been married for over 40 years and are both retired.

When things get bad I am completely torn. I end up waiting at the top of the stairs, waiting for that moment when she’s gotten too aggressive and I’m frightened she’ll do something to him. I generally intervene at that point, either by physically blocking her from going near him or if I think it’s needed I’ll start to argue with her to try and get her attention off him and onto me, because at the very least if she hits me I can defend myself. The other half of me just wants to leave the house, and get out of there for the evening, unfortunately I have never told anybody outside my boyfriend and some friends that would have known having seen the abuse first hand when we were kids. I feel like there’s nowhere for me to go as I live too far from anyone to just show up at their doorstep late in the evening shaking like a leaf looking for refuge.

For my own sanity I feel like I need two things. I need people closest to me to know, because it’s upsetting for people to ask about my family and needing to lie to close friends because I feel it would be too strange to turn around and say “yes, things are sh*te actually, my mother’s an abusive alcoholic”. I also need to get out. But how can I ever leave the house with the two of them here? I can’t leave my Dad to her without knowing what she’ll do. I’m not exactly much help now as it is but at least now I know what’s going on and I can at least try.

Shint0

You clearly can't keep trying to deal with this any longer without outside intervention. Does your father have a recognised disability? I think you should try to find a compassionate GP to discuss this with. Some GPs can be incredibily helpful around directing you towards appropriate supports. It's possible you might need the intervention of social services if you are concerned about your father's welfare. Understandably it's difficult to have external services involve themselves in your private life but it sounds like things have gone on for too long now. You need to act also for your own health and sanity as it sounds like things are becoming desperate for you and you can no longer cope with the situation. You really need to unburden yourself and find appropriate supports which can help you.

kat.mac

Hi OP,

I am so sorry this is the hand you have been dealt. There is no easy answer here; I think as the previous poster said, speaking with a GP would probably be the best start. I feel you would benefit from some form of counselling also. He/she would be able to help you on the journey through telling people around you, etc.

Best of luck OP. You seem to have a lot of inner strength; you can get through this.

Diziet

AlAnon is a group that supports the families of alcoholics. How about you look for a group nearby and go to a meeting? Your dad, too. It is a very difficult situation and you could both do with support.

Catphish

Getmeoutofhere1111 wrote: »

I am 24, finished college, have an okay job that I enjoy most of the time and I’m in a wonderful relationship. I still live at home with my parents. From the outside I probably look like I have it pretty good, and in some respects I do and I’m doing fantastically, except for one thing and that is that I can’t see how I can ever move out of the family home, guilt free.

I am an only child without a close knit extended family. My mother is an abusive (but functioning alcoholic) my father is physically disabled, and although he’s in reasonably good health all things considered, he’s not a strong man. Not physically anyway, mentally he’s a rock I could never be.

My Dad is a wonderful man. He’s intelligent and a real gent. There’s not a bad bone in his body and he’s been an absolute hero to me my whole life. My mother abuses him horribly. Every single night she gets drunk, violent and aggressive. Past six every evening (weekends being the worst) something will start her off, something as simple as asking what does she want to watch TV or trying to strike up a conversation over what you did today and ten minutes later she’ll be telling him he’s ignorant, he’s pathetic, mocking his disability or any number of things I won’t repeat. The worst nights will have her throwing bits of furniture out of her way or pushing him. It all ends when she’s drunk enough to fall asleep and the following day it’s forgotten about.

This pattern has gone on as long as I can remember. Talking to her sober or not does not fix it. She has refused counselling and will not stop drinking. I was the main victim of her abuse for a long time up until about four years ago. I don’t know what happened that she stopped seeing me as a target, maybe I just got older, but I am now ignored. Honestly, I would rather be the target if it kept her away from my Dad. I am so desperately sorry I can’t protect him. He was the one who raised me. Not to say my mother did nothing, she was my primary carer for years while my Dad worked full time, but he was the one who took care of me when I was sick, he was the one who made my school lunches, he was the one to listen to how my day went, he was the one who helped with school. He woke me up in the mornings and put me to bed at night when I was small. I’d give anything to take him away and keep him safe but he won’t go. For better or worse he will stay with his wife and financially and practically now they are tied together. They’ve been married for over 40 years and are both retired.

When things get bad I am completely torn. I end up waiting at the top of the stairs, waiting for that moment when she’s gotten too aggressive and I’m frightened she’ll do something to him. I generally intervene at that point, either by physically blocking her from going near him or if I think it’s needed I’ll start to argue with her to try and get her attention off him and onto me, because at the very least if she hits me I can defend myself. The other half of me just wants to leave the house, and get out of there for the evening, unfortunately I have never told anybody outside my boyfriend and some friends that would have known having seen the abuse first hand when we were kids. I feel like there’s nowhere for me to go as I live too far from anyone to just show up at their doorstep late in the evening shaking like a leaf looking for refuge.

For my own sanity I feel like I need two things. I need people closest to me to know, because it’s upsetting for people to ask about my family and needing to lie to close friends because I feel it would be too strange to turn around and say “yes, things are sh*te actually, my mother’s an abusive alcoholic”. I also need to get out. But how can I ever leave the house with the two of them here? I can’t leave my Dad to her without knowing what she’ll do. I’m not exactly much help now as it is but at least now I know what’s going on and I can at least try.

Get your dad on his own, and tell him the next time she is abusive verbally or physically to him that you are reporting it to the gardai. If she won't get herself help, then you have to protect yourself and your father. I'd wager that she stopped her attacks on you because you grew up, and can fend for yourself. Like the coward she is she picks on your disabled father. She keeps doing what shes doing because there are no repercussions for her behaviour.

Do you think your father would be willing to take a protection order or a lengthier safety order out against her? If he is reluctant perhaps you can do can do it for you both, I'm not sure if that is possible but worth a try. If she was abusive verbally or physically towards you or your father after you have that piece of paper she could find herself in a cell in the barricks for the night. If she's silly enough to try it again, she could be heavily fined and/or receive a prison sentence. You might think it's a bit heavy handed, but she is doing this because she can, and she is not going to see to her issues of her own accord. It's time for a wake-up call.

username123

Op, I had the same situation as you with the gender roles reversed, as in, my father was the alcoholic, my mother was the rock.

Or was she? It took me a long time and a lot of Alanon meetings, but I eventually realised that she was actually enabling the entire sorry mess and that she had made her choices in life too. She was totally co-dependant on my alcoholic father and she chose to stay with him, at the cost of damaging her children by exposing them to the alcoholism. Ultimately she didnt care about herself, she cared about him - but guess what? She didnt care about ME! And there I was, stressing myself into an early grave worrying about her.

It took me a long long time to see that.

Listen - you can tell the people around you what is going on. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. If your mother had cancer you wouldnt be hiding it, well she has alcoholism, no need to hide that either.

And. You can move out. I stayed for years trying to protect my mother and no matter what I did (eventually organising a way out for her) she stayed by the alcoholic. I was misplacing my concern - I should have been looking after myself. Thats what you need to do. Ask yourself what your parents were doing at your age? Where they trying to protect a parent from another parent? No! They were living their life. Ask yourself what your parents would want for you for your life - would they want that you feel this way? No - but there is too much dysfunction going on for them to see that. Youre not dealing with healthy people here - including yourself.

Please get yourself to Alanon, here is a list of meetings countrywide, its only an hour a week and it REALLY HELPS!

Also, have a read of this, although you dont see it you are enabling the situation and playing your own role. The only way out is to break the cycle. Educate yourself about what you are dealing with, try and see it in the abstract and not from the emotionally involved position you are in.

Best of luck, I was older than you before I managed to escape and there was massive illness of the non alcoholic thrown in for good guilty measure. It took me a long time, a lot of work and a lot of alanon meetings to feel somewhat normal again, and I still wake up screaming sometimes when I dream of the past. But you can escape. And you can deal with how you feel about it all.