Need to get him out of my head

cosmo1976

I am working with a guy for the last two years. We are both married. We had a fling for about 2 months and he called a halt to things. 1 year down the road and my marriage is basically over and i cant get this guy out of my head still. We still work together and i have no way of changing jobs or work with someone else as the job is so specialised. But now it is killing me. I am so in love with him it is just crazy.When i am not with him i just cant get him out of my head. I have always hopped he would change his mind. He still flirts with me and this is even more cruel cause i would hope he would change his mind and realise he wanted to be with me. But he has moved on. The other day he was telling me about him buying land to build a new house for him and his wife. I realised that he was just boosting his ego. My marriage was on the rocks when i met him and now its in bits causre i dont love my husband any more. But how do i get this guy out of my head i have no choice but to work with him. Can you please advise of practical things to stop me loving him. I know i was stupid but how do i get out of this mess. Please help!

sffc

How do you know he has moved on ? Is there any possibility he was telling you this (about the house) to gauge your reaction ? I think you need to make sure it's over for him 100% - only then will you start to move on.

Ann84

Apologies if this is a stupid question... But why are you still married?
You clearly aren't happy with your husband and appear to have decided your marriage is finished. It might be easier to focus your energy on pining over someone you cant have than focusing on the real issue, ending your current marriage.
When you are free and single to date, this one person wont be as significant! I sincerely hope you aren't persueing this colleague, he seems to have decided to work in his marriage, you need to make a decision too and not distract yourself with affairs... It's not a fair or long-term solution!

LegacyUser

You will find it extraordinarily hard to get over someone while you see them every day. Is there any hope at all you can change jobs?

As for getting over them, there's no magic formula. I tend to think most unhappiness comes from misunderstood emotions that we react to without ever working out what we're actually reacting to or why we are reacting. There's a lot you need to ask yourself about a) yourself, b) your marriage and c) this guy. Imo, your biggest problems are with a and b but it's easier for you (and for anyone/everyone) to focus on c.

Looking at (a), why did you marry, why did you risk your marriage for a married man, what do you want from life for yourself, what are you doing to achieve a more fulfilled life etc. All big questions and if anyone had the answers they'd be rich, but still, you have to ask yourself.

Looking at (b), again, why did you marry, why did your marriage fail, what mistakes did you and your spouse make etc. What do you want from marriage/relationships that this one didn't give you, etc.

Looking at (c), the natural tendency is to assume this person has all the answers, that they "get" you, that they make every minute magic, and worse, while you are miserable they are infinitely happy and would make you infinitely happy if only you were with them. I think it's human nature to think that but in my experience, even the strongest relationships take work and effort. Most couples at some point make the conscious or unconconscious decision to grow together or grow apart. If you leave your current relationship without addressing what doomed it, you could easily slip back into patterns that would doom your next one.

That being said, life is a journey, have some fun figuring these things out. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out but work on being the best version of yourself you can be and see what comes your way.

cosmo1976

You both make perfect sense. Just to explain about my marriage. Like alot of other people we are in serious financial difficulty. i looked after everything at home house bills etc. my husband was of the opinion that his days off were his days off and meant he did nothing around the house despite me being very vocal about.

We have small children and i have to work long hours and overtime i couldnt turn it down considering our financial problems. So i have serious feelings of guilt about not being able to spend much time with my children. I would ask my husband for help with things and the help would last a short while and then he would return to his usual self. then one of my parents was diagnosed with cancer so ontop off all of this i had to make tiime to get to chemo appointments etc.

At one stage i was so exhausted i was still trying to do everything that i was at home crying asking my husband for help and his reaction to that was to say he would move out. Which was just an empty threat as usual. I had to continue to nurse my parent while still doing my job and everything else. I felt guilty for not spending the time i had left with my parent. I felt guilty i was missing out on my childdren. work was the only place i could forget about the rest of my life and just be me. my parent died just before christmas.

over the last two years i have told my husband our marriage was in trouble a number of times. But he just gets defensive and it ends up in an arguement. then he carries on as if nothing has happened. I have told him twice that our marriage is over. i felt as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders with such a feeling of relief. His response was just the same as usual.

How i have felt over the last two year i would describe as crippling loneliness. I also feel so unloved. I feel i have been completely rejected by my husband and now the guy i work with.

after the death of my parent i know life
is too short to stay in this situation. I have started to going out with my friends again and that and they are good nights out but they are just a quick fix. i still feel so lonely.

the guy in work was just so kind and supported me through all of this. work was the only place i was happy. I am good at my job and enjoy it. what struck me about one of your replies was that he is trying to work on his marriage so i should leave him alone. Which i know you are completely right but back to the original question.

How do i get him out of my head?

cosmo1976

sffc wrote: »

How do you know he has moved on ? Is there any possibility he was telling you this (about the house) to gauge your reaction ? I think you need to make sure it's over for him 100% - only then will you start to move on.

i never thought of it that way. the only way i can see that i would find that out is if i tell him how i feel and i dont think i could deal with being rejected again.

Taltos

OP - can I suggest that before you reach out to anyone you need to first sort out your marriage.
I don't mean you need to save it - but if it is over, and it sounds like it is - you need to officially end it. Separate and begin the process towards divorce.

I am not saying that until you do you shouldn't be in a relationship - we all need to feel loved and special, my fear is right now you are in a position where an unscrupulous person could take advantage of you. Maybe find someone to talk to - even a marriage counsellor or bereavement counsellor to help you work through the loss of your marriage and the loss of your parent.

You have to learn to love yourself again and to feel confident in yourself. Clearly you have taken a knock over the last while and until you are in a position of strength emotionally I am just scared that you could bounce into a situation where you end up just hurting yourself more if that makes sense?

cosmo1976

taltos thank you the one thing that really struck me from your reply was the word confidence. over the last year i have dealt with so much i have taken my eye off the ball with many things and let stuff slide. So from today on i am going to work on my confidence and get back to my old self.