trusting your own judgement

Gongoozler

I need help making judgements. And trusting them.

Some people make judgements about people and situations, and are obviously wrong. These people, how do they continue to trust their own judgements?

Just about everything about me is messed up. But it seems pinning it down to being able to trust my own judgement on things is what I need to do.

Right from the start of my relationship I've felt like I've had no control over things. Because I liked him a lot, and it seemed he didn't like me. or if he did, he didn't show it. A very cool, laid back kind of person. And that is the way he is.

Unfortunately for someone as insecure as I am, that translates to 'not interested'. 'It's not a big deal, I'm just going to do something else with our weekend we'd normally have together.'I'm the one who cares about not meeting up. I'm the one who is making plans around our time together. I'd never think of making plans at the weekend with a friend. But then maybe that's also down to my friend not being available at the weekend. But I know that if I did make plans, I'd not only think it was a big deal to him, but it'd be on my mind as something I wish could be done at a time not interrupting our time together.I would be disappointed at not having that time together. But that's not the case with him. It's ok because he'll see me the next day, or the next weekend. And even writing that down seems like that's the most rational best thing you could ask a person to think, to handle the situation. but to me it's not. The best thing would be to know that I'm going to be missed, and almost like he doesn't want me to go, but isn't going to stop me. To feel he needs me. That it is a big deal he doesn't get to see me.

It's always me going to his apartment. Me waiting to see what time he's ready for me to go over. It was me asking at the start, why don't you text me during the day. And then of course when he does, it's bloody hard to believe it's not constantly out of obligation. he's forcing himself now. he has to be, because he didn't do it before I said it. so obviously he can't want to. If he wanted to, he'd have done so without me asking.

I constantly feel like I'm interrupting him, when I text him. especially at work. it takes a good while to get an answer most of the time. and there isn't much texting just for the sake of it. no silliness. I don't get the impression he has fun with me. he doesn't often seem to actually enjoy being around me. maybe I'm not fun.

I feel like if I don't have enough sex he'll want to spend less time around me. I feel like a vessel. Because someone with a high sex drive, regardless of the person you're with, has to mean that that's what you are. and when I have my period it's not like he's mad to do something for me, it's that he's mad to have something for himself. and no, I don't feel that if I didn't have sex as often that he'd be able to stay with me long.

When we fight, he looks at me this way.. it reminds me of how a bully would look at you, surrounded by friends, trying to make you feel bad. There's no positive feeling in it at all. Almost like a hatred. And I feel, don't hate me, I'm just trying to tell you how I feel. But as usual, no one wants to know. I feel like a scared little girl, being given out to be an adult. stupid and silly for doing something wrong. looked down on like something you'd spit on. I've told him about this. but he still does it. he says he can't see what he does. he doesn't so it on purpose.

I have too many insecurities, and I can't see if our problems are down to me or him, or both.

Looking back on my childhood, I have a complete lack of a feeling of security, or contentment. I was made fun of by my brother and sister, and the only communication I got from my dad was the threat of a slap if I didn't eat my dinner, turning into joining into making fun of me when I got a little older. My mum wasn't constantly shouting at us, or stressed over something. depressed quite a bit too. wouldn't talk to dad for days at a time. As I got older I couldn't understand why she never left him.

School, I had a small couple of friends, but even back then there seemed to be a fickleness to our friendships. I know my 'best' friend changed a bit. Some of them I know I couldn't be myself with.
The boys made fun of me over something, but then some of them were also my friends, when it suited them.

Secondary school, I only had a couple of friends - the outcasts of the class. I was the default friend I suppose. Only realised they were using me years later. no boys liked me in school, not until 5th year. had many many humiliating rejections before that, and after. Felt ugly.

my first boyfriend, I don't remember much about it, but I know it was a bad relationship. but not so bad that you'd realise straight away. the kind of bad, that there's also good. enough to make me think he says he loves me so he must..despite not wanting to be around me, or spend time on me etc. one thing that sticks out in my mind is staying up with him one sunday night and going to the a&e with him because he had gastroentritis. I had to go to college the next day, got an hours sleep. the following weekend, I had caught the same bug, and couldn't go to work, while he went off home for the weekend, as usual. I think I said it to him at the time, but obviously he wormed is way out of it. or I convinced myself it couldn't mean he doesn't care.

And now I'm plagued with problems. mostly the problem of worrying about having problems, which leads to problems.

I want to feel like he loves me. that he wants to be around me all the time. that i'm important. that i'm fun. that i'm interesting. I want a good relationship, where I can feel secure, where I can rely on him, and he can on me too. where we share things. where I know him, and he knows me. I want to make plans together.
he's made me a better person in ways, he's made me interested in doing things for myself. in some ways, he's made me more confident.
I try to believe the nice things he says, but they just don't sink in compared to the horrible look he gives, and the thoughts in the back of my mind over why he's so laid back over seeing me, and how can he say he loves me but seem so like he doesn't care sometimes.

I don't know what to think. I can't trust what other people say because they don't know it all, I can't trust what he says because others have said it before and not meant it, and I can't trust what I think because I'm just full of fear that I mean nothing to him.

I want to be able to weigh things up. look at the good, and bad, and say hey no somethings not right here, or maybe there's something to discuss, or no everythings fairly ok and the things i'm upset over are just me and my issues. I need to be able to judge properly.

daisybelle2008

Gongoozler wrote: »

And now I'm plagued with problems. mostly the problem of worrying about having problems, which leads to problems.

I want to feel like he loves me. that he wants to be around me all the time. that i'm important. that i'm fun. that i'm interesting.

Ok OP two things, your looking for something from your boyfriend that you have to feel and believe about yourself. You need to like yourself, feel secure in yourself and believe you are important. Boyfriends come and go, you can't rely on them for security and love and validation, you have to feel that for yourself before you enter a relationship. You are constantly looking to how he behaves to fill the void, that is a problem. It is your job first and foremost,not his, to get you to feel good about yourself. You are giving him too much responsibility to 'fix' you. Do whatever you need for yourself I.e counselling etc.
It is impossible to enjoy,have or attract a healthy relationship when you have such a negative fragile self image that depends on external validation.

Gongoozler

I know that I need to build my own confidence, but I don't know how. I've been to counselling loads. but I can't afford any more.

Merkin

I don't think your in the proper headspace to conduct a happy and healthy relationship.You're depending on it to validate yourself and consequently are all too reliant, probably to the point of stifling.

If I were you I'd be working on myself before thinking of getting involved with anyone.I'd take up a new hobby or sport, attend assertiveness courses, maybe do a bit of travelling on my own, work on building your social circle and invest time into making myself a more compete human being rather than looking to another person to do it for you.

daisybelle2008

Gongoozler wrote: »

I know that I need to build my own confidence, but I don't know how. I've been to counselling loads. but I can't afford any more.

Well here are a couple of observations that may or may not help you. I am going to be very blunt but constructive. Feel free to ignore.

I have read your post a couple of times I can understand you have loads of counselling.
These are observations on your post and your view of the world.
Ok, firstly you have almost nothing positive to say about anyone in your life, past or present, your negative judgements seem to be based on your opinion of them falling short in how they treat you in some kind of a tit for tat inventory of effort you keep. You make absolutely no allowances for people having their own issues, lives and in general just being humans. For this I would say try have a little more empathy and interest in people. Don't be a martyr to your misery.

Try to focus on expressing more empathy, gratitude, engagement and interest in others. It is very easy to get caught up in your own head and become self absorbed with your issues. But nobody can change your thinking and outlook for you. People want to be around positive, fun, considerate people. That is not to say you put on an act, that is to say you change your outlook and perspective and don't take yourself so seriously.

I would agree with Merkin about the relationship, you seem to be in it for the validation and you cannot seem to appreciate the good qualities of your partner, instead need him to massage your ego and soothe your insecurity by becoming more clingy. OP you only think that, you would find some other issues with him if her turned on his head for you. Until you are happy with yourself and like yourself the 'boyfriends' (no matter who they are or what they do) will always be a'problem' just like your friends, family and past. You have to change your perspective. You can do that faster than you think.

Gongoozler

Thanks for the replies.
I assure you that i do nothing but empathise with friends family and colleagues. Despite some showing a consistent disinterest in me and my welfare.
I woke up this morning and thought to myself i want a new life. I want to forget about all my fears and worries, and be happy. So thats what im doing. I constantly do my best for other people, though i can understand that i didnt say that.
Anything bad ive done is as a defence to something bad. But i dont feel like i should have to defend myself here tbh. Ive done a lot to try make myself better.

daisybelle2008

Gongoozler wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
I assure you that i do nothing but empathise with friends family and colleagues. Despite some showing a consistent disinterest in me and my welfare.
I woke up this morning and thought to myself i want a new life. I want to forget about all my fears and worries, and be happy. So thats what im doing. I constantly do my best for other people, though i can understand that i didnt say that.
Anything bad ive done is as a defence to something bad. But i dont feel like i should have to defend myself here tbh. Ive done a lot to try make myself better.

Good for you, remember you get what you give, it starts with you.

Gongoozler

I would like to believe the whole you get what you give idea, but im 29 and havent a whole lot back like ive given. So scrap that idea, im just doing my best and trying to see the best in people. If they do things to lose my trust then thats what happens.

December2012

Go to a different therapist.

Gongoozler

Ive been to four. And at the moment i cant afford to keep going.

kat.mac

Hi OP,

In order to change your life, you need to change the way you've been doing things. Keep doing the same things, keep interacting with people the same way, and all you're going to end up with are the same results.

You need to look inwards for this one. There isn't a single person on this planet capable of making you feel the things you want your boyfriend to make you feel (aside from the fact that it seems to me that ye might not be a great fit). *You* have to feel worthy of his attention, *you* have to feel like you're fun to be around, *you* have to feel like you're an interesting person. It cannot be anyone else's job to instill those beliefs in your head.

As to your comments about your sex life - feeling like "a vessel" - I'm baffled as to why anyone would even want to be sexually involved with anyone while having those feelings. That's not how it's supposed to feel. You need to focus on your needs, your desires, your sex drive, your feeling of equality in a sexual relationship. There is nothing about this relationship (based on your OP) that fulfils any of your emotional, intellectual or sexual needs. My blunt opinion is that you would be far, far better off without him.

As to your other inter-personal relationships - I go back to my earlier point about changing how you do things. Those who show what you call a disinterest in you and your welfare - if you let them, that's what they will continue to do. You need to change the way you interact with them in order to see a change in how they treat you. You obviously have to work out how to go about this on an individual basis, but the change *has* to come from you. Otherwise, the status quo will remain. My suggestion would be to stop constantly doing your best for other people - that's pure and utter martyrdom. My own mother suffers from it. There are of course people that deserve your best efforts - but there are those that clearly don't. Don't break your back for someone who wouldn't do the same for you.

Again - the changes you want in your life must come from you. Begin with one tiny change, and the rest will come. You just have to be determined on your own behalf.

What you've written here is a list of what you don't want your life to be like. That's a great starting place. Best of luck.

Lorna123

I think myself when a relationship is right you know it and don't have any doubts. You are riddled with doubts over this relationship so it can't be right for you. He doesn't tick the boxes for you. Don't try blaming all of this on your childhood and past experiences. If this relationship was right you wouldn't be on here looking for advice. Your gut instinct tells you that this relationship isn't right so move on.