Attachment parenting

LegacyUser

I have seven months old son. I practice "attachment parenting" but without going to the extreme. I breast feed, I prefere to use sling (although sometimes it is more practical to use a buggy) and I co-sleep (my son still wakes up 4-6 times every night for a feed and I physically wasn't able to get up any more). I have a very cheerful baby that never really cries. He loves to snuggle up to me in the middle of the night. When he was 5 months old I had to go back on my college placement so I am away from my baby for nine hours four days a week. Having extra physical contact by breast feeding, sling and co sleeping has been a great opportunity to catch up on the time we are away from each other. And yes, he takes a bootle while I'm away (with my milk), I plan to teach him to sleep in his own bed at 9 months and stop breast feeding by one year. I think that balance is the key. You should set the boundaries as a parent as they are essential for child's sense of security. But yet, you should fulfill your child's physical and emotional needs by providing comfort and closeness.

nesf

Hi, I've moved your post a new thread as the old thread was 10 years old and a lot of the users in it are no longer around or may not like their posts made by themselves 10 years ago to be brought onto the front page.

ElvisChrist6

Spinka wrote: »

I have seven months old son. I practice "attachment parenting" but without going to the extreme. I breast feed, I prefere to use sling (although sometimes it is more practical to use a buggy) and I co-sleep (my son still wakes up 4-6 times every night for a feed and I physically wasn't able to get up any more). I have a very cheerful baby that never really cries. He loves to snuggle up to me in the middle of the night. When he was 5 months old I had to go back on my college placement so I am away from my baby for nine hours four days a week. Having extra physical contact by breast feeding, sling and co sleeping has been a great opportunity to catch up on the time we are away from each other. And yes, he takes a bootle while I'm away (with my milk), I plan to teach him to sleep in his own bed at 9 months and stop breast feeding by one year. I think that balance is the key. You should set the boundaries as a parent as they are essential for child's sense of security. But yet, you should fulfill your child's physical and emotional needs by providing comfort and closeness.

This seems like a rather healthy approach to attachment parenting. I would have some problems with more extreme attachment parenting, but yours seems to have a nice balance.

One problem I would have with a lot of the women who practise it is that they're doing it selfishly. From what I have seen, the really extreme ones a lot of the time do it to feel loved by their child, trying to never give them a chance not to love them. They're forcing their kids to think they cannot be without them in any way. So, it's not so much for their kids' sake, but for their own; they want to keep complete dependence so they never have to worry about their children not loving them. I think this is incredibly selfish, and some children whose parents practised this up until 6, 7, 8+ years old feel stunted by it. They never had the chance to see that their will always be a link to the parents without that level of attachment.

Continuing feeding until 1 doesn't seem damaging to me, but around 6 months is when they fully develop fondness and attachment to particular people (I'm sure they always have that, but it's not as developed until then), so some time apart is important to show that the connection is more than physical attachment!

Good luck, anyway!

liliq

ElvisChrist6 wrote: »

This seems like a rather healthy approach to attachment parenting. I would have some problems with more extreme attachment parenting, but yours seems to have a nice balance.

One problem I would have with a lot of the women who practise it is that they're doing it selfishly. From what I have seen, the really extreme ones a lot of the time do it to feel loved by their child, trying to never give them a chance not to love them. They're forcing their kids to think they cannot be without them in any way. So, it's not so much for their kids' sake, but for their own; they want to keep complete dependence so they never have to worry about their children not loving them. I think this is incredibly selfish, and some children whose parents practised this up until 6, 7, 8+ years old feel stunted by it. They never had the chance to see that their will always be a link to the parents without that level of attachment.

Continuing feeding until 1 doesn't seem damaging to me, but around 6 months is when they fully develop fondness and attachment to particular people (I'm sure they always have that, but it's not as developed until then), so some time apart is important to show that the connection is more than physical attachment!

Good luck, anyway!

From any parents I know, including my husband and myself, the aim of attachment parenting is the exact opposite to the reasons you've suggested above. Attachment fosters feelings of safety and security, which are naturally followed by a confidence, leading to children which are more emotionally stable and independent going into adolescence and adulthood.
It can be very intense and is hard work, being always responsive. Most selfish parents seem to foster a very different approach, from what I've seen.

teacosy

ElvisChrist6 wrote: »

This seems like a rather healthy approach to attachment parenting. I would have some problems with more extreme attachment parenting, but yours seems to have a nice balance.

One problem I would have with a lot of the women who practise it is that they're doing it selfishly. From what I have seen, the really extreme ones a lot of the time do it to feel loved by their child, trying to never give them a chance not to love them. They're forcing their kids to think they cannot be without them in any way. So, it's not so much for their kids' sake, but for their own; they want to keep complete dependence so they never have to worry about their children not loving them. I think this is incredibly selfish, and some children whose parents practised this up until 6, 7, 8+ years old feel stunted by it. They never had the chance to see that their will always be a link to the parents without that level of attachment.

Continuing feeding until 1 doesn't seem damaging to me, but around 6 months is when they fully develop fondness and attachment to particular people (I'm sure they always have that, but it's not as developed until then), so some time apart is important to show that the connection is more than physical attachment!

Good luck, anyway!

The WHO recommend that babies are breastfed until age 2 or beyond.
http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

ElvisChrist6

liliq wrote: »

From any parents I know, including my husband and myself, the aim of attachment parenting is the exact opposite to the reasons you've suggested above. Attachment fosters feelings of safety and security, which are naturally followed by a confidence, leading to children which are more emotionally stable and independent going into adolescence and adulthood.
It can be very intense and is hard work, being always responsive. Most selfish parents seem to foster a very different approach, from what I've seen.

Selfish can come in many different forms, not just in a way that they'll not pay attention to their kids. There are definitely people who were stunted by attachment parenting after 2-3. In a parent/child relationship, this shouldn't be necessary to foster "feelings of safety and security". It's not unheard of that they will hit 30 and suddenly realise the effect it had on them. As I said, the way OP is doing it seems a good way, but after that, the children must learn that the feelings of security shouldn't have to come from such intensive attachment, that's just not healthy. What happens when the intense attachment goes?

teacosy wrote: »

The WHO recommend that babies are breastfed until age 2 or beyond.
http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

As much as I love The Who's early work, I'm not necessarily going to take their medical advice at face value! Plus, my argument is not a medical one, it's an emotional one.

liliq

ElvisChrist6 wrote: »

Selfish can come in many different forms, not just in a way that they'll not pay attention to their kids. There are definitely people who were stunted by attachment parenting after 2-3. In a parent/child relationship, this shouldn't be necessary to foster "feelings of safety and security". It's not unheard of that they will hit 30 and suddenly realise the effect it had on them. As I said, the way OP is doing it seems a good way, but after that, the children must learn that the feelings of security shouldn't have to come from such intensive attachment, that's just not healthy. What happens when the intense attachment goes?



As much as I love The Who's early work, I'm not necessarily going to take their medical advice at face value! Plus, my argument is not a medical one, it's an emotional one.

I'm not sure you understand how attachment parenting is practiced. It's intense for the first year or 18 months when the child is naturally more dependent on their parents for food, mobility etc.
Attachment is baby led, not parent led, so as the child becomes more independent they move away from their parents in their own time. The increasing independence while knowing they can return to the safety of their parents is the point. The parents don't force the child to stay attached.

nesf

liliq wrote: »

I'm not sure you understand how attachment parenting is practiced. It's intense for the first year or 18 months when the child is naturally more dependent on their parents for food, mobility etc.
Attachment is baby led, not parent led, so as the child becomes more independent they move away from their parents in their own time. The increasing independence while knowing they can return to the safety of their parents is the point. The parents don't force the child to stay attached.

Attachment parenting is quite a broad church. There are many different approaches and associated beliefs with it, I've seen some groups argue for homeschooling as part of the attachment parenting approach for instance but as far as I know this is not mainstream in the movement.

LegacyUser

This particular take on this subject is actually a very personal subject to me

My mother practised attachment parenting on myself and my brothers and sisters. We were all breastfed, kept very close to her at all times (she was NEVER EVER away from all of us at the same time - literally never until her youngest started school). All the trhings you would accociate with attatchement parenting.

But she took it much much further than most people would. when it was time for us to go to playschool she set up her own so we werent away from her. She literally attended school with me for the first few years. I am not sure really how long it was but I presume she did it until the next child started school and then did it with him too. She sat in the classroom and made herself a teachers aid. Wouldnt leave the room, decided she had every right to be there and amazingly, she was allowed to stay.

Then she moved away and took the 3 youngest with her. I was well into my late teens as was my brother at this stage but it affected us both deeply. We had been so smothered by her version of attachement parenting that we couldnt make a decision for ourselves. I remember one day just after she left trying to order a sandwich and not being able to decide what I wanted on it - because there was no one there to tell me what I wanted or decide for me. I left the shop without one because I just didnt know what to do. My brother, who is in his 30's, still has real trouble ordering from a menu. He just can't make decisions

I know now this was my mothers version of love. I know she fought for us and sacrificed and did what she thought was best, but personally it has left me with a lot of problems with insecurity and independence which I may never solve. I still find in impossible to know what is acceptable to say and what isn't. I find it hard to play any type of mind game (interviews etc) In my opinion her children are quite damaged individuals. She still behaves this way and and has done some things in the name of motherly love that are so completely unacceptable but she just doesnt see it that way

I have now had my own child and an very aware of fostering her independance, self belief, self awareness and self respect in a positive way. If I am honest, its something that petrifies me as I dont want to mess her up

So yes, while I fully support attachement parenting and practise it myself (baby wearing, breastfeeding etc) I can see how maybe some parents practise it selfishly

ElvisChrist6

liliq wrote: »

I'm not sure you understand how attachment parenting is practiced. It's intense for the first year or 18 months when the child is naturally more dependent on their parents for food, mobility etc.
Attachment is baby led, not parent led, so as the child becomes more independent they move away from their parents in their own time. The increasing independence while knowing they can return to the safety of their parents is the point. The parents don't force the child to stay attached.

I'm not sure you understand what I'm saying - what you're saying, I have no real problem with, except that I don't think the child can really lead for its best interest. As "won't log in" shows, some take it way too far, and I'm sure as someone who has experienced the positives and negatives of it, her approach will be much better than others. But you can't make a general statement about something like this. I was simply saying many do take it too far and are selfish about it.

won't log in wrote: »

This particular take on this subject is actually a very personal subject to me

My mother practised attachment parenting on myself and my brothers and sisters.
...
So yes, while I fully support attachement parenting and practise it myself (baby wearing, breastfeeding etc) I can see how maybe some parents practise it selfishly

lynski

won't log in wrote: »

This particular take on this subject is actually a very personal subject to me



But she took it much much further than most people would. when it was time for us to go to playschool she set up her own so we werent away from her. She literally attended school with me for the first few years. I am not sure really how long it was but I presume she did it until the next child started school and then did it with him too. She sat in the classroom and made herself a teachers aid. Wouldnt leave the room, decided she had every right to be there and amazingly, she was allowed to stay.

Then she moved away and took the 3 youngest with her. I was well into my late teens as was my brother at this stage but it affected us both deeply. We had been so smothered by her version of attachement parenting that we couldnt make a decision for ourselves. I remember one day just after she left trying to order a sandwich and not being able to decide what I wanted on it - because there was no one there to tell me what I wanted or decide for me. I left the shop without one because I just didnt know what to do. My brother, who is in his 30's, still has real trouble ordering from a menu. He just can't make decisions

I know now this was my mothers version of love.

So yes, while I fully support attachement parenting and practise it myself (baby wearing, breastfeeding etc) I can see how maybe some parents practise it selfishly

Some thoughts on this:
I am sorry but your mother did not practice attachment parenting - she practiced control, imho.
these experiences can colour people perception of breastfeeding and not in a good way. Breastfeeding, babywearing and attachment parenting are not dependent on each other; you can do one or two or all.
Breastfeeding to one yr is great, but i would advocate not setting goals, just go day by day. Your one year old may seem an awful lot smaller and your breastfeeding relationship will be very different by one.

LegacyUser

lynski wrote: »

Some thoughts on this:
I am sorry but your mother did not practice attachment parenting - she practiced control, imho.

.

I would agree with you. It's the fact that she called it attachment parenting when it really wasn't was my point. That kind of story puts people off.