Going out with friends ex

loca

Hi,
I have just started dating my friends ex. They were 21 when they broke up after 4 years. They broke up 10 years ago. He & I were friends before they were together & used to be inseparable but when both these friends got together things changed and I didn't see him anymore because she didn't like us being so close so I stayed away. We lost touch for many years. I was actually devastated at 17 when they got together. He broke up with her & she took it pretty badly for a long time. They are not in contact. But I always got the feeling there was something more on her side feelings wise. He was her first love.
Now we are back in touch alot & have seen each other alot and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I am still very close to her but I have a very strong chemistry with him & we are both single although she has moved on with her life & has a long term BF.
What are the rules in this instance?
Do you steer clear? Do you chat to her & see how she feels? Do you just tell her you are seeing him?
This kind of chemistry doesn't come by too often & I would really like to see where it could go as we are so much more mature now...
He respects whatever decision I make

I'd say just ask her.

IrishEyes19

I personally think friend's ex's if they were in a long term relationship are off bounds. It's not being petty or anything, it's just if a close friend of mine dated someone I was with for a long time and now no longer had contact with, Id have to cut ties with that friend. I couldnt be in their life, while he was. Too awkward/painful or whatever the break up situation was.

the other poster is right. ask her. But be prepared that you may have too choose. Im sure its worked out fine for some friends. But it wouldnt for me. Im probably going against the grain here, but I just think there are so many people in this world and going for the friend's ex is really not fair or nice. I respect the fact that chemistry is chemistry, but I dont know, I guess at the end of the day. One relationship, be it your new boyfriend or your close friend has a value of its own and you need to put one first maybe. best of luck.

P. Breathnach

true-or-false wrote: »

I'd say just ask her.

I'd lean more towards suggesting that you tell her rather than ask her. They broke up 10 years ago, and I don't think she should have a veto on your relationship.

Obviously you should try to manage the conversation as tactfully as you can, and you should be prepared to accept the consequences, whatever they might be.

Da Shins Kelly

I think telling rather than asking is the best way to go too. It was 10 years ago, and she's moved on, so she doesn't really have any reason to stand in the way of you two. People are not possessions. You can't control what someone does after the relationship is over. Just because she was in a relationship with him once upon a time doesn't mean that she really has any business interfering here.

callmepetardu

Everybody is someone's ex. Just tell her it's what you're doing, if she's moved on then it shouldn't be an issue.

loca

I guess it's going to be a little awkward no matter what's said. It's never going to be a nice conversation to have but as a respect thing I would like to say it before she hears it from someone else.
He says she's not even a consideration at this stage but understands she's in my life.
You are right people are not possessions & to be honest I've resisted this for a while. At the beginning when we got back in touch he asked me out & I said no so we hung out as friends but then I realised I really wanted to see him as more than a friend. He met me out 2 years ago with a different girl he was seeing & said he would love to have asked me out from then on but we never crossed paths for years.
Although my friend never says it, I feel like she will always hold a candle for him. She made a point of recently pointing out how good looking he was & that she bumped into him one day & her heart nearly stopped...I thought this odd but said nothing.
I know if it was my ex I'd say "go ahead but you know what you're getting yourself in for"! Maybe because he broke up with her she never fully got over her feelings.
I know it would change our relationship in some form but if she's truly happy & moved on it shouldn't have a huge impact. I just get the feeling it's not going to go down well. I'm definitely going to speak to her. At 30 years old you kind of have to seize the day! I'm beginning to have real strong feelings for him & I know he feels the same because he's very honest about what's happening & tells me he's so comfortable around me, & we have so much of a laugh & he also said he loved me after 4/5 pints but I didn't take him seriously... It was more of an I love you to bits kinda thing but he said I love ya & then said ah god did I just say that out loud?! He's sweet but at least I know it's moving in the right direction. I've been seeing him including as a friend 8 weeks altogether & I said I wasn't having a conversation with her for no reason but now I know it could be something special.

Forever Hopeful

Op,
I would say go for it. My biggest regret was putting other people's feelings before mine and guess what! All my friends are married and I am single. Looking back I realised they always put themselves first.
Just cause your friend still holds a torch for him shouldn't stop you. This guy could be the one! Your friend needs to get over it. It's been 10 years and she's moved on.
Look I have a cousin who had two long term relationships. He eventually married someone else but his exes went on to marry other cousins of ours. They socialise together now. You can be awkward and dramatic about it or you can just move on...
My advice again, go for it! Don't let this pass you by! She didn't at 17!

sffc

You are going out with him so it's pretty clear what way YOU feel . You don't actually think its wrong do you ? what you are is scared that you will lose your friend because she has a problem . OP you cant live your life this way - you need to stand by YOUR moral compass and be truthful to yourself . It might be nice for her to find out from you rather than in the street alright but you need to tell her not ask her or worse be apologetic . It is a very long time ago and you have nothing to apologise for .

knucklehead6

They broke up 10 years ago.

She is seeing someone else, and has a long term relationship with this person.

She 1) Has no right to have any issues with you and him seeing each other
2) Has no right to expect you to ask her for permission

Tell her you are seeing each other. Don't give her the option to approve or disapprove.

Catphish

loca wrote: »

Hi,
I have just started dating my friends ex. They were 21 when they broke up after 4 years. They broke up 10 years ago. He & I were friends before they were together & used to be inseparable but when both these friends got together things changed and I didn't see him anymore because she didn't like us being so close so I stayed away. We lost touch for many years. I was actually devastated at 17 when they got together. He broke up with her & she took it pretty badly for a long time. They are not in contact. But I always got the feeling there was something more on her side feelings wise. He was her first love.
Now we are back in touch alot & have seen each other alot and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I am still very close to her but I have a very strong chemistry with him & we are both single although she has moved on with her life & has a long term BF.
What are the rules in this instance?
Do you steer clear? Do you chat to her & see how she feels? Do you just tell her you are seeing him?
This kind of chemistry doesn't come by too often & I would really like to see where it could go as we are so much more mature now...
He respects whatever decision I make

They broke up 10 years ago, she now has a boyfriend. I'm not really seeing the problem here. This is something I'd only mention in passing to her, it's not up to her who you see. As soon as she got together with him in the first place you lost him as a friend over her own insecurity. They're split up 10 years, not 10 months ago. It would be a non-issue in my book.

ash23

I don't think you need to ask permission but I do think you need to be aware that when you tell her you are seeing him, you need to be prepared that she may not be ok with it and you are risking the friendship.

Out of my exes, there are some I wouldn't care if a friend dated them and some I would. It's not always about the length of time but more about the relationship and even more about how it ended.

She might be fine, she might be upset and angry. You won't know until you tell her.

Hannibal Smith

Id tell her as a matter of respect....but I wouldn't be too sheepish about it. they broke up 10 years ago, you're in the clear. two of ny friends got together after he'd split up with a mutual friend. they told the ex, rather than asked but had agreed to not be too demonstrative around the ex. They are now happily married with 2 children...like you say this kind of chemistry doesn't come around often so don't let it go.

kat.mac

Hi OP,

The fact that you're worried about this indicates (to me, anyway) that you're quite a sensitive, considerate person, which is obviously a good thing, but don't let it get in the way of you living your life. The big thing here is the 10 year gap since they broke up. IMHO, it would be reasonable for you to be able to date her ex after this length of time, and I think it would be unreasonable of her to raise major objections. Now, she may express reservations, or surprise, but I would consider that to be a fairly normal response and nothing to worry about.

I agree with the posters who advise you to tell her, tactfully and carefully, rather than asking her, about the situation.

One other thing: She may try to warn you away from him, or go on and on about his faults, and if she does I would avoid that conversation. Give your relationship a proper chance and judge him from your own experience of him!

Best of luck!

ShowMeTheCash

I see a lot of people are saying things like it was 10 years ago she should not have any issue with it etc... etc...

But here's the thing, depending how close you are with your friend.. Do you hang out, go out together? still close mates?

Perhaps she has no intention of wanting her ex boyfriend back in her life... She may not care who he dates, but at the same time she might not want to sit down and have dinner with them...

I think it would be totally understandable for her not to want to be in your company if you and her ex started to date.

Also have you really thought about it? To all intensive purposes your relationship with your boyfriend should be special, would you not find it weird to know your best friend will know you know your boyfriend intimately... What if you get married and have kids... Would it bother you knowing your best friend has slept with your husband albeit before you actually dated.

I have seen this happen between friends before.... They avoid each other now, and although they may engage in idle chit chat if they meet in the bar but it is not long in one of them leaving.

My own views on it.... World is a big place... The ex is hex!

username123

Talk to her about it but you may end up having to choose.

I dont think that there are any hard and fast rules here. Personally I have some ex's that Id be delighted for friends to get with but I have others who I just wouldnt like to see a friend with, either because of very strong hurt feelings at that time that I wouldnt like raked back up again by having to see the ex (probably only one of these - first real bf) or simply because I view the ex as an utter eejit who I wouldnt want to be around because I have such strong feelings of dislike for them.

So, if a friend of mine wanted to date one of the ones I wouldnt be happy about Id probably tell the friend to go for it and then Id just distance myself.

From the other side of it - I wouldnt tend to view any kind of long term ex's of friends as possibilities, they tend to occupy the "off limits" box in my brain.

Catphish

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I see a lot of people are saying things like it was 10 years ago she should not have any issue with it etc... etc...

But here's the thing, depending how close you are with your friend.. Do you hang out, go out together? still close mates?

I can somewhat see your point, but one thing that struck me was how her "friend" cut her out of the picture when she started seeing this guy. She was uncomfortable with the op being friends with them, and how can you call yourself a friend to someone unless you trust them? The potential relationship between her ex and the op only developed 10 years later, there was no threat to begin with. I just think it was unfair that her friend cut her friend out of this guys life because she was insecure about them being close friends.

The way I see it is, if you're really genuinely happy with your bf you won't give a flying who your ex is seeing. That is how I would react anyway. I say it's only worth mentioning in passing because she is either happy with her current bf or not, and a good friend would only wish her to tread careful based on her own experience. Not tell her she doesn't want her to see him. It's the op's life at the end of the day. If the guy makes her happy, vice versa, then I think life is to short not to take a chance. So many people yearn to meet someone they can be close to, have good chemistry with. It would be a terrible shame to pass up that chance.

Lest not remember that the op was cut out when her friend found love all those years ago, she was expendable then.

I say go for it op, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then you have to wonder why it bothers her so much with a boyfriend of her own.

Paddy Cow

loca wrote: »

Hi,
I have just started dating my friends ex. They were 21 when they broke up after 4 years. They broke up 10 years ago. He & I were friends before they were together & used to be inseparable but when both these friends got together things changed and I didn't see him anymore because she didn't like us being so close so I stayed away. We lost touch for many years. I was actually devastated at 17 when they got together. He broke up with her & she took it pretty badly for a long time. They are not in contact. But I always got the feeling there was something more on her side feelings wise. He was her first love.
Now we are back in touch alot & have seen each other alot and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I am still very close to her but I have a very strong chemistry with him & we are both single although she has moved on with her life & has a long term BF.
What are the rules in this instance?
Do you steer clear? Do you chat to her & see how she feels? Do you just tell her you are seeing him?
This kind of chemistry doesn't come by too often & I would really like to see where it could go as we are so much more mature now...
He respects whatever decision I make

OP you put your friend's feelings first years ago and you lost out. If you do it again will you resent your friend and end up losing the friendship anyway? It's been ten years and she has a boyfriend. Just tell her and deal with the fallout. She might not be that upset.