fear of losing a friend

donotthink

So.., the situation: we meet when we both were 10 and became very close, spending all spare time together, her first date was my university friend, then he became her husband...I mean, she always was very- very important and dear to me... she never, ever let me down, she always kept my secrets and she always was first who listen when I needed her to be with me. We were like a sisters, not just a friends and neighbors (on top of that, she was a neighbor and I was free to come and even sleep in her house in her absence...)

She married and emigrated to Canada, we spoke by phone and mails has been sent all this years, pictures and e ctr and after 10 (!) years, suddenly, I bought a ticket and went to Canada to see her...

It was wonderful... we spent a good time together, with her and her doughtier. She was really, really happy to see me, she brought me to see the waterfall, we were eating in expensive restaurants and she never let me even put a hand on my wallet... she gave me to ride her nearly new Audi (I am a person who never experienced left-hand side steering wheel). We were crying in the airport on my way back to Ireland. I was happy, she was really happy.
Then something happened.
I'll tell you something. She looks much better than me, we always were skinny, but she got a new boobs, she wearing expensive and she is single (happily broke with the husband) and busy with the private life. She told me some funny stories about her latest boyfriends and I had never said anything against it except something like "be careful" or "I hope you will meet the right one", I swear. So, the car...The Audi is expensive, she works (salary is not that big, but she managed somehow and it is not my business), I drive a 2006 year car and I love it. We are in negative equity and struggling to pay bills, I have lost my job years ago and with a big gap in my CV it is unlikely to get back on a track. Oh, yes, I have my husband, but I have not such extensive and (I would say, colorful, private life).
The kids. Her doughter decided not to go to he university not going to the university because of the fees and they toke a time to save a money to pay- the girl has finished school last year, she works and save, but I really got confused - will it possible to save by working in shop? I DID not ask and I did not show her my thoughts about her lifestyle, car, travel abroad and more and more...She know that I have some other view on a family, but we were not discussed it ever. My kids got a best possible marks and their first choice and she send me a nice words in my Facebook page.
She stopped communicate with me. When I call 1. somebody is doing a pedicure to her and she in not able to talk. 2. She is on the way back from her new boyfriend (she spent a night with him and tells me a lot about him) but she is on the way to underground car park and says that her phone will not work and asks me to call later and never answers. 3. Again, I call and she is preparing for the dodgy trip to islands (an adult kind of a resort) and she is busy with preparation. And her friends...Oh, that very after 45 ladys who is trying to look 25 and their photos- she does not see how miserable are they (I swear to God I did not said a word!!!)
When she talks she sounds very happy and friendly, but ... It is not that I expect, not that I deserve.. She never calls me.
But I cannot lose her, she is my childhood friend, she knows my parents, she remember me young and careless, and I love her in her 47, for God sake,on this high heels and mini. Do not know what to do.

December2012

What makes you think you are losing her? Isn't it possible she's busy.

I don't understand the comments about the car or the daughter.

Time difference won't help either.

Hi there,
Welcome to boards
I've moved your thread to the personal issues forum where you will get better answers.
Best of luck.

ABajaninCork

It happens OP.

I've lost a very good friend who was as close to me as a sister. I'd known her since we were 13. Sat next to each other in school, was witness at her wedding, was present when her two sons were born, pulled her out of all kinds of scrapes. But then we fell out over something stupid. She forgot my birthday, I made a remark about it and BOOM! She stopped speaking to me. Looking back, it gave her the excuse needed not to continue the friendship

I've accepted it now, but I was bewildered and hurt by it for years. I know now, I did nothing wrong and we probably had outgrown each other, but at the time I wasn't willing to see that.

I think the same thing is happening here. The signs are all there. It hurts, but accept it and move on. If she calls - great! Settle down for a nice chat. If she doesn't? *shrug shoulders* and keep moving.

donotthink

December2012 wrote: »

What makes you think you are losing her? Isn't it possible she's busy.

I don't understand the comments about the car or the daughter.

Time difference won't help either.

Thanks for reading my long post. I just say that girl work and save for the college and I would advise her mom to quit her bohemian lifestyle and help the child to go to a university. The time difference- yes, here in Ireland is late, but there is OK, I always calculate to find a better time to call her, you see, she is not busy at work, the problem, at that time she is busy doing some other stuff.

ABajaninCork

Sorry to be harsh, but unless the mother asks for your opinion, I'd butt out. Even if she did, I'd be diplomatic about it. Never interfere with parents and their children. The girl will find her own way.

donotthink

ABajaninCork wrote: »

It happens OP.

I've lost a very good friend who was as close to me as a sister. I'd known her since we were 13. Sat next to each other in school, was witness at her wedding, was present when her two sons were born, pulled her out of all kinds of scrapes. But then we fell out over something stupid. She forgot my birthday, I made a remark about it and BOOM! She stopped speaking to me. Looking back, it gave her the excuse needed not to continue the friendship

I've accepted it now, but I was bewildered and hurt by it for years. I know now, I did nothing wrong and we probably had outgrown each other, but at the time I wasn't willing to see that.

I think the same thing is happening here. The signs are all there. It hurts, but accept it and move on. If she calls - great! Settle down for a nice chat. If she doesn't? *shrug shoulders* and keep moving.

At least you know why it happened... it helps to understand..Thanks for your advise, you are right. But you know, in some age it is painful to lose somebody who was that close.

Big Bag of Chips

Blahblah2012 - Your posts have been deleted from this thread, and you have been warned on another thread.

Please read the Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again.

Next time you break the rules of this Forum you will be taking a little holiday from here.

December2012

donotthink wrote: »

Thanks for reading my long post. I just say that girl work and save for the college and I would advise her mom to quit her bohemian lifestyle and help the child to go to a university. The time difference- yes, here in Ireland is late, but there is OK, I always calculate to find a better time to call her, you see, she is not busy at work, the problem, at that time she is busy doing some other stuff.

So she is busy, but you're upset because she's doing stuff you don't agree with?

She's allowed to spend her time the way she wants. She's allowed to get plastic surgery and travel or have fun, it's her life.

She can parent her child the way she wants, she knows her child better than you.

Are you jealous of her having fun?

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I recently ended a friendship with someone I'd been friends with since college. I'm struggling to think of a suitable word to explain how I felt. Best description might be that I felt like an insect under a microscope or someone being observed by binoculars.

I'm picking up some of those same vibes here. You almost sound like you're in thrall to her in some ways. Your friend is going through massive changes in her life and maybe she doesn't want to be telling you everything any more. Or maybe she has picked up vibes from you that you disapprove of what's happening with the daughter or the new men.

On the other hand maybe she is busy. You're at a different stage of your life to hers. She's starting out again and has a totally different lifestyle to you.

donotthink

December2012 wrote: »

So she is busy, but you're upset because she's doing stuff you don't agree with?

She's allowed to spend her time the way she wants. She's allowed to get plastic surgery and travel or have fun, it's her life.

She can parent her child the way she wants, she knows her child better than you.

Are you jealous of her having fun?

She is doing some stuff and I am do not agree and yes, it is upsetting me. But with my all respect to her private life I did not criticized her, her parental skills and something else. And of course not, I am not jealous, oh no!! We have a different lifestyle but being jealous...... Her life is difficult and she have told me about it a lot... I have fun in my way, she have fun in her own way...
All of you mention word "busy", but correct me if I wrong: I think you can be called busy if you are working at the time of the call, driving, having a shower, feeding your child... And you are probably call back, aren't you?

Stavro Mueller

Out of curiosity, when was it that you went out to visit? Did she start going off you after that?

Merkin

You sound very very VERY judgmental when it comes to your friend's life choices. Being a good friend is accepting and loving someone for who they are and being supportive of their choices.

You mention her make and model of car, the type of clothes she wears, the company she keeps, where she is going on her holidays, her dodgy boyfriends, her inability to pay college fees....wow, just wow. :eek: Why do you pass remark on such things in your post? You evidently have massive issues when it comes to this woman. Is there a deep-seated jealousy at play? Do you like to look down on her and her life choices?

You say you haven't actually said anything but if this woman has known you for thirty seven years then you won't need to say anything at all, your demeanor will be quite obvious to someone who knows you well.

If I had a friend who I thought was judging the minutae of my life with pursed lips and a shake of the head I'd be cutting them out sharpish.

Sorry to be harsh but you might need to take a long look at your post and how you come across.

Stavro Mueller

It's not necessarily anything you've said. People can pick up just as easily on what you don't say or how you say it.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, my best friend of over 20 years doesn't particularly like my husband. She has never said anything to me.. but she doesn't have to!

Just don't be so sure that just because you haven't said anything, that she doesn't know how you feel/what you think.

You don't sound very happy - and from your posts it sounds like you don't even like this friend that much..

Is there a chance you are just staying friends now out of habit? You've been friends for so long, that you don't know how NOT to be her friend, and that's why you are clinging on to a friendship that isn't adding anything positive to your life at the moment?

People can be 'busy' in so many different ways. My days are pretty hectic. In the evening I tend to do nothing. And I don't want to do anything! I regularly don't answer calls from people in the evening, because I don't want to be disturbed from doing nothing!!

If you and her are truly best friends, then your friendship will survive a bit of seperation.

ruaille buaille

I think you and your friend have sadly just drifted apart. Probably when she moved away and met new people in canada her life took on a different direction and now ye are two different people who dont really have anything in common anymore.
Have u spoken to her about any of the issues u have? it might be a good idea to bring it up the next time ye speak. You could even just say how different u think she is now compared to when ye were younger.
Try not to be too upset by it. People change and thats their business. You are only in charge of your life. It might make u feel better to get out there and try to meet some people that you have more in common with. Join some groups etc. Who know you might meet a new best friend!

donotthink

cymbaline wrote: »

Out of curiosity, when was it that you went out to visit? Did she start going off you after that?

2 years ago and around a year things was OK. Then gradually she lost her interest on me and everything that happens to me.

Stavro Mueller

Ah. I thought that maybe it happened after you'd been over.

I don't know what advice anyone can give you really. We could speculate until the cows come home about what has happened here. Maybe even she might not be able to tell you why she has gone off you. There's nothing more you can do I don't think. It could just be that you have both changed too much. Personally I'd not bother trying to call her any more if she's not all that pushed about ringing back. If she genuinely wants to be your friend or to stay in contact, she'll pick up the phone and ring you.

donotthink

Merkin wrote: »

You sound very very VERY judgmental when it comes to your friend's life choices. Being a good friend is accepting and loving someone for who they are and being supportive of their choices.

You mention her make and model of car, the type of clothes she wears, the company she keeps, where she is going on her holidays, her dodgy boyfriends, her inability to pay college fees....wow, just wow. :eek: Why do you pass remark on such things in your post? You evidently have massive issues when it comes to this woman. Is there a deep-seated jealousy at play? Do you like to look down on her and her life choices?

You say you haven't actually said anything but if this woman has known you for thirty seven years then you won't need to say anything at all, your demeanor will be quite obvious to someone who knows you well.

If I had a friend who I thought was judging the minutae of my life with pursed lips and a shake of the head I'd be cutting them out sharpish.

Sorry to be harsh but you might need to take a long look at your post and how you come across.

You ask why do I pass remark on such things in the post? To explain it to you. We have a mutual friend and I never speak with her about it, I never gossip about her. I came HERE to openly talk. And I swear to God, she does not think that I judge her because: she openly and happily told me some stories that she would not tell the others. It is easy to say a common word "jealousy" to explain everything that happens in between two people. Why would you say that she might be jealous towards me? I never thought about it and I started to think about it after I read all responses and it makes me sad.

donotthink

results nftalij wrote: »

Hi OP. I recently ended a friendship with someone I'd been friends with since college. I'm struggling to think of a suitable word to explain how I felt. Best description might be that I felt like an insect under a microscope or someone being observed by binoculars.

I'm picking up some of those same vibes here. You almost sound like you're in thrall to her in some ways. Your friend is going through massive changes in her life and maybe she doesn't want to be telling you everything any more. Or maybe she has picked up vibes from you that you disapprove of what's happening with the daughter or the new men.

On the other hand maybe she is busy. You're at a different stage of your life to hers. She's starting out again and has a totally different lifestyle to you.

You say "maybe she doesn't want to be telling you everything any more." I would accept it. But she tells, she does not hide!

donotthink

ruaille buaille wrote: »

I think you and your friend have sadly just drifted apart. Probably when she moved away and met new people in canada her life took on a different direction and now ye are two different people who dont really have anything in common anymore.
Have u spoken to her about any of the issues u have? it might be a good idea to bring it up the next time ye speak. You could even just say how different u think she is now compared to when ye were younger.
Try not to be too upset by it. People change and thats their business. You are only in charge of your life. It might make u feel better to get out there and try to meet some people that you have more in common with. Join some groups etc. Who know you might meet a new best friend!

You know, I was thinking about it. Nearly asked her something like "why"? But I knew she would tell me that I am wrong and something "oh, you are mad, hahaha"... No. You are right, people change, so do I, and her. Thanks for an advise, really.

donotthink

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, my best friend of over 20 years doesn't particularly like my husband. She has never said anything to me.. but she doesn't have to!

Just don't be so sure that just because you haven't said anything, that she doesn't know how you feel/what you think.

You don't sound very happy - and from your posts it sounds like you don't even like this friend that much..

Is there a chance you are just staying friends now out of habit? You've been friends for so long, that you don't know how NOT to be her friend, and that's why you are clinging on to a friendship that isn't adding anything positive to your life at the moment?

People can be 'busy' in so many different ways. My days are pretty hectic. In the evening I tend to do nothing. And I don't want to do anything! I regularly don't answer calls from people in the evening, because I don't want to be disturbed from doing nothing!!

If you and her are truly best friends, then your friendship will survive a bit of seperation.

No, I do like her very much. And you know, with her there I felt so careless and young and forgot everything that I have left home and we made a lot of silly pictures...And she knew she made me happy! maybe it is time to live it as it is...

ABajaninCork

donotthink wrote: »

No, I do like her very much. And you know, with her there I felt so careless and young and forgot everything that I have left home and we made a lot of silly pictures...And she knew she made me happy! maybe it is time to live it as it is...

And there you have it. You've grown apart. Nothing wrong with that, that's how life is. Live YOUR life. You haven't got time or energy to be worrying about others!

donotthink

ABajaninCork wrote: »

And there you have it. You've grown apart. Nothing wrong with that, that's how life is. Live YOUR life. You haven't got time or energy to be worrying about others!

Yes, we have grown apart. I am not jealous and I am not judging. I do not want to feel guilty because I know- I am not.