At my wits end

Carter12

Hello,

I posted about this situation before and I got great advice, however im back to square one again.

My question is, how do you get away from a toxic relationship ?
How do you distance yourself from someone when your lives have been closely involved for over 10 years ?

I have asked him to leave me alone, and he will for a while, but then the contact starts up again and I get drawn back in, once it was 2 years of no contact and now its back to square one and im so tired of feeling sad and lonely.

I have no self-esteem and my confidence is shattered.

He is married and im a FOOL !!!

Even though its an awful situation, its such a huge part of my life that it feels normal now and I honestly dont know how ill get by without this constant crap.
Does that make sense ?

Im just wore out now.

Thanks for reading x

blatantrereg

I have no idea what you're on about. If you are in a bad relationship then just walk away, and don't engage any more even if they try to contact you.

Even though its an awful situation, its such a huge part of my life that it feels normal now and I honestly dont know how ill get by without this constant crap.
Does that make sense ?

Nope doesn't make sense. It's easier to get by without constant crap than it is to experience constant crap. Find some better way of addressing your boredom/loneliness, since presumably the attraction of the constant crap is that it mitigates those.

CaraMay

Tell his wife. That will end it for good.

Hannibal Smith

Separate yourself from him...you did it for2 years, you can do it again. Change your phone number , block his email and do not contact him.

Find a hobby...running...walking or a night class. you need to focus your attention on something else...preferably something that you can see progress in which will help rebuild your self esteem.

Its not easy leaving a toxic relationship ..but its not love or anything romantic its a pure and simple addiction that you need to break.

You can do it...and certainly without telling his wife....that's a bitter road you don't need.

Merkin

Carter12 wrote: »

My question is, how do you get away from a toxic relationship ?

You get away when you make the very stark realisation that it's not a 'relationship' you are in with him because he's actually married to another woman. He has chosen to share his life with her and has chosen you for sloppy seconds. Nobody can terminate this farcical 'relationship' bar your good self so if you're starting multiple threads on the issue it might be time to stop facilitating it and taking the advice on offer. We get what we put up with after all.

LegacyUser

It's not a relationship. It's either (imo) an obsession or an addiction and needs to be treated as such.

If your best friend was an alcoholic you'd ask them to give up drink. Likewise, accept you have an unhealthy addiction to this situation and remove yourself from it.

As for how to remove yourself, if needs be change your number, change your email, change your facebook so you can't see his and he can't see yours.

Then start asking what gap they fill in your life? Are you lonely? Do they boost what's left of your confidence (while simultaneously damaging it)? Are you missing something and become fixated that this person has "an answer"? Whatever that gap is, find it and fill it elsewhere.

Like an addict, you'll always have some sort of weakness for this person, accept that, understand that that weakness is part of you but it will become a smaller and smaller part of you as your life grows from here on out.

The saying "the best revenge is to live well" can be applied here I think. Make your life good, live the life you want and see who you can meet along the way.

I know you'll try and understand his behaviour, try to divine what his feelings are etc. Don't. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what motivates him, what matters is you getting well. Stop treating this like a relationship that might be fixed, and rather see it as an illness you can recover from.

Carter12

Thanks for all your replies

I've realized it is an addiction, we started off as great friends and started affair 10 years ago.

I'm lonely, to be honest the loneliness is unbearable. I moved 6 years ago and I'm finding it very hard to settle.

Thanks again. X

Forever Hopeful

Loneliness is awful and I sympathise with you but it will never ever change if you keep giving this married man the power over you.
1) he is married
2) you are not special to him - sorry if that is harsh but if you are not giving him attention, he will find someone else who will.
3) he is cheating on his wife, he will cheat on you

If you were to write an ad for your perfect man, none of the above qualities would even feature.

Only you can change your situation. Only YOU. It's a choice. This is going to again sound harsh but I mean it in the best possible way. Laziness in your life is keeping you from moving on. Loneliness is no reason to stay in this mindset or entertain his attention. Laziness kept this going for so long. It's self defeating. It's easy to stay with the familiar, even if the familiar is bad for you.
Look at what you can do to solve your loneliness but stay away from this guy.