im afraid of being gay? bit of a rant

LegacyUser

when i was 14/15 I told some close friends and my dad that i was bisexual , dad took it awkwardly and then its been brushed under the rug ever since, one night i was staying at a friends house (who knew) and well lets just say one thing led to another and we had a small fling of sorts, nothing really happened then until i was 19/20 and another friend rang me, more of a distant friend this time but nonetheless stuff happened, kind of a weird situation that i wont go into,bit of a stalker who still stalks lol.


last summer i got in with a new group and on one of the first nights out i was asked was i gay, i told the girl i was bisexual anyways and she admitted she was too and kinda sussed it out of me? over the next couple of months i kinda of assessed myself and realised most of the girls ive ever went after were mostly emotional, rarely was it sexual, sure i fantasized like any teenage lad but i dunno,and of course none of them ever had any feelings for me,I still kinda do? had a long chat with the bisex friend i mentioned earlier that i think i could be gay and explained everything to her, it was a good conversation.

I went home then intending to tell my mother and even though she is one of the most open and accepting people that i know, getting the words out was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do we had a long chat about it and a very reassuring hug in the end.

one of the reasons i told her was because i was moving out to goto a college a good bit away and she was worried, because i had gone kind of distant staying over at the friends house quiet a bit but that was not really related, just enjoying my summer lol.


to this day i cannot really say it to anyone unless ive got drink or drugs onboard and i really just want to be out and proud since nobody really gives a damn these days.(its no real secret anymore quiet a few people know)

then theres the other problem, im on grindr quiet a bit, its the only way i really see any other gay guys because i dont know anyone who would go to a club with me, not even sure i would enjoy a place like that since they have a very camp stereotype attatched to them when im texting im usually scared ****less to go and meet anybody from it, the one time I did he had been texting me for a month or 2 and was getting sick of my constant excuses to not meet him and one day just said **** it, went and met him but had an excuse to leave whenever i wanted, after about 15 minutes i said i had to go because of the appointment(I really did have one), he grabbed me anyone, gave me my first proper kiss and was urging me to say,in hindsight i should have,I left the place in a funny state of mind, i was actually delighted with myself and enjoyed it (aswell as his company), I didnt text after this though, kinda wanted to leave it a few days just to get my head around it, a few days turned into a few weeks and he was forgotten, was drunk at some point after this and text him and he text me back a few days later and we made some smalltalk and that was it, fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and weve been texting on and off, bit flirtatious as you do, texting me then the other day asking me was i doing anything tonight and i just sort of said i was busy , i dunno why, i guess its the fear that somthing bad might happen kick in again and loads of other worries,

so here i am sat here, a 22 year old obese virgin, not sure really what to do about this either,if anything?? maybe in time i will build up the confidence to be what i want? who knows i just needed to rant! and maybe take some positive advice if possible.

gah, just read over some of this and i sound really unhappy but the fact is im having a grand old time and its been a great day for me, im not down atall


also interestingly, i have a boards account and occassionally post in this LGBT forum, im pretty sure nobody in the real world knows the username yet im still posting this anon cos its easier

oisindoyle

So is it a rant or looking for advice ?
Anyway,just a few things.

Don't rush into anything, just take your time and don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do.
We have all experienced the scared ****tless feeling before we met a guy for fun ,it's normal and in a kind of way adds to the "excitement " of it.

Perhaps get in contact with belongto.It might be a way for you to meet other guys your age to socialise with.

With regard to your perception of gay clubs being "camp",how do you know this since you havent been to one?

Yes there are camp guys in there and many non camp guys ,who all have and had the same fears and worries as yourself ,so try not to knock them and be more open and less blinkered.

Live your life and have fun

username_here

You sound like me. I have no advice. You're not alone.

playedalive

Hi dude. If there's any 'constructive' advice I can give you, don't pressurize yourself into having a certain label. Even to this day, I still ponder about my sexuality. I am mostly attracted to guys, but the occasional girl does take my fancy (both emotionally and sexually). I still really don't know whether to call myself gay or bisexual. Maybe it's because I'm not comfortable with labels. Heck, nowadays, we use labels to describe everything that's complicated in the human psyche. From your political stance to your mental health (voice of experience). Personally speaking, I don't think words/labels can work for everybody and describe the full story.

I'd voice the above posts. Do realise you're not alone. Also, do what makes you feel comfortable. Referring to what you said about your Dad, that is a tough one. I still fear labelling my sexuality to people in case they treat me differently. Realistically, do what makes you comfortable and happy in life.

face1990

ranting on wrote: »

i guess its the fear that somthing bad might happen kick in again and loads of other worries

Try not to let that fear hold you back. It's always scary meeting new fellas but that's part of the fun!

I'm not saying go and throw yourself at everyone, but maybe push yourself a bit more, out of your comfort zone. It can really boost your confidence (in all aspects of your life).

LegacyUser

wow, gotta say im generally surprised with some of the very understanding posts and even more surprised that im not the only one that feels like this,

playedalive wrote: »

Referring to what you said about your Dad, that is a tough one.

you know its not all that bad, I stayed over at a friends house that night and he rang me the next evening and told me he would love me no matter what but it might just be a phase, obviously isnt now but i think if i told him he would be cool with it.

oisindoyle wrote: »

With regard to your perception of gay clubs being "camp",how do you know this since you havent been to one?

Yes there are camp guys in there and many non camp guys ,who all have and had the same fears and worries as yourself ,so try not to knock them and be more open and less blinkered.

yeah, that was a very large generalisation to be honest, i kinda guess if i had someone to go with i would go, kinda nervous about that whole thing too but id be grand with mates i guess?