LDR

LegacyUser

I'm currently in a LDR where my bf is abroad and I am here. It has been an incredibly difficult time as we have only seen each twice since he went to work in another country. Basically he went because the money is better there and he wanted to save up for a year. Also it was a country he always wanted to see. I am in a good job and have done my travelling already so I didn't go with him. Instead we said that we would stay long distance.The company he worked for here took him on over there but it wasn't a direct transfer. So although he is not guaranteed a job with that company when he comes back I feel he will find something along the lines. He is there almost a year now. The end is in sight (or at least was) with him due to come home in June.

However his mother has got involved and told him that there's not much work here etc and that he would be best staying on there for as long as he can. When he said that he wanted to come home to me she said to him 'if she loves you enough she'll let you stay'. I am so angered by this comment!!! I am not in a position to go there to be with him and she knows this.

Now I'm not an unreasonable person and without giving too much away I feel I have been very patient, fair and reassuring towards my bf. He says he is still going to come home but obviously he listens to his mother too so I fear that he might take her point of view.

Do you think she is trying to split us up or am I being unreasonable? I get on well with her and to be honest I feel hurt by her ultimatum-type comment. We agreed on a certain time-frame from the start and as I said it's been tough doing it for this long. If he does decide to stay longer I will have to call it a day as I can't sit around waiting for him to come home. It's also not just her, his friend who is over there is of the same opinion. It annoys me to think so little of our relationship and I'm sure if it was their own lives they would think completely differently. Thanks in advance for any input.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd think that what his mother or his friend think shouldn't matter.. it's what he thinks. You are seeing this from your point of view, how much you've missed him, how you want to be together etc.... Do you think he is not thinking the same thing?

Have you spoken to him? Has he hinted that he might stay longer?

Try not to worry about what others are saying - and try find out what he is thinking.

Merkin

Have you actually asked your boyfriend what he'd like to do?

judgefudge

I wouldn't take it so personally. His mother and his friend are clearly saying that because they think he would be better off staying where he has opportunities to work, not because they dislike you or want you to break up.

As others have said, all that matters here is what you and he think. Make the decision between the two of you, leave the others out of it.

LegacyUser

I was in an LDR for a long time, a few years and honestly I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. We're now living together but it's been tough and we've both missed out on so much.

LDRs are unnatural things made somewhat easier by things like email/skype etc but also made harder, because without the technology most people would call a halt to them.

You have a good job and don't want to travel, he obviously wants to be working which seems to be something he can't do here.

I think you need to re-examine his mother's advice. She misses him but can see that the work/career he wants isn't here for him. That must be hard for her to accept but it's also probably accurate because she wants the best for him careerwise.

The question, for me, would be "If he can't come back, do I love him enough to leave my job and go to him?"

Forget the LDR aspect for a second and ask if it comes to it, will you leave to be with him?

I don't think the mother wants ye broken up (but how can anyone here know?) but rather she wants him working.

I really feel for you, LDRs are horrible.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, honestly if I hadn't already left a job to go travelling already a few years ago I definitely would consider going. However I definitely don't want to go down the unemployment road again especially when I am on a good salary.
He tells me all the time that he misses me loads but still hasn't booked his return flight so I guess this is why I feel worried. If I press him on it he says that there's no hurry and fobs me off. It's not like he had no job before he went, he actually left his job here to go there. I think his mother just feels that he may regret coming home so soon but he has had a good year and a year is what we had agreed on, no more no less.

LegacyUser

Life changes I'm afraid. If it was a career or him decision, which way would you go?

Is there any chance of you getting work where he is (or in a separate place together)? Is there anything more than work keeping you here?

I've been unemployed, I would go to the far side of the world to avoid it again.

It might be unfair for him to break whatever was promised a year ago (if that's what is happening) but if he is staying, what will you do?