The Problem of Locomotion

Seachmall

I can't be the only one who has identified transport as not only a major form of stress in daily life but even a major cause of death itself. Regardless of your choice of moving from one place to another be it by foot, by car, by bus or train it is likely to negatively impact not only your life but the lives of those around you.

Take driving for example. It is a huge factor in the number of people who die before their time, but beyond that it is a major player in reducing your willingness to live. Should you come across a cyclist or, god forbid, a pedestrian walking on the road you will undoubtedly turn from human into a melding pot of rage, hatred, and loathing. Cycling too causes stress when faced with unruly drivers who fail to respect your vulnerability as you cycle down the center of a dual carriage way. And do I even have to mention having to walk from place to place? As if an omnipotent and omnibenevolent creator couldn't have given us a less tedious form of natural passage.

Then we look at public transport. If you've been unfortunate enough to have to use the giant tin can on wheels we call the "bus" you'll be aware it is nothing but a giant petri dish of bacteria from old and young that slowly infects you with countless new diseases. And all for a fee. Even remove the blood, sweat and semen soaked seats and you're still stuck in a claustrophobic moving metal box with some of the lowest of the low that society has to offer. You can't remain calm as you look around and see a hoody in the back seat injecting whatever new "bath salt" the local "head shop" has to offer. Look forward and you see an old woman who, while you wish her no harm, recognise she is so far past her best before date that should she die there and then you'll probably trip over her already decomposing body on your way out at your stop (at which point you'll have to utilise those two depressingly inefficient transit devices to make your way to your actual destination. And once again, all for a fee).


Now I'm not a man before you with problems but no solutions. The solution is clear. Stop dragging your germ ridden fleshbag from place to place. Find one spot and remain in it. "Obvious" you say but unfortunately in practice it is far more difficult than it sounds. You see that prankster above, the one many of you call God, has decided that we should be tempted with moving. His rationalisations are many; to eat, to defecate, to make love, but none are clearly worth the stress and, lest you forget, the very real risk of death or injury. The immediate answer is of course to remove your legs but unfortunately as history has shown us not having legs still leaves your beloved ones at risk should they disobey our teachings and decide to use the toilet. The absolute and only solution is to remove all limbs. Find a spot you are comfortable with, one with access to vegetation for nutrients and a flow-way for drainage, and remain there.

Think of the bliss! No more cyclists or pedestrians, no hoodies asking for change or "fellow" passengers removing audio devices straight from our ears! What I am presenting to you is your own personal nirvana!

Embrace it and live again.

sureitsgrand

Ah c'mon, c'mon.

Sauve

Why did I read that?

I do worry about myself sometimes....

opinion guy

Are those my feet ????:eek:

dgt

What do I do if I need to go to the toilet?

Seachmall

dgt wrote: »

What do I do if I need to go to the toilet?

You will of course select a location that will allow your excrement to flow away.

I addressed this issue in the final sentence of the third paragraph.

ArnoldJRimmer

you gotta swing your hips now

1ZRed

Truncheon Rouge

http://www.hark.com/clips/mfksdnlgbg-beepbeep

Chuck Stone

The machines aren't becoming more like us; it is we who are becoming like the machines.







*written from my cocoon of hardened mucus*

hatrickpatrick

The DART's current setup does cause a lot of stress. The whole "every 15 minutes" thing is ridiculous when applied across the board, rush hour included. Go to any other major city, London or New York to take two fairly obvious examples, and I challenge you to ever have to wait more than ten minutes for a subway or tube. I found five to be the average in both places.

The idea that if you either miss your dart or else can't get on because it's too feckin' crowded, you are guaranteed to lose an entire 15 minutes of your morning, is absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention that during the day at off peak times you get full length darts which are half empty, but coming home from town at half 5 bang in the middle of rush hour you will regularly encounter four carriage darts in which everyone is jammed in like the black hole of calcutta.

Whoever makes these decisions has a lot to answer for. There's literally no logic in it whatsoever. None.

mawk

Just buy an electric skateboard

schnitzelEater

Stupid meat bags. Is it just me, or are buses the lowest form of public transport? Bus wa***rs is right...

danniemcq

OP do you just wanna be like the people in WALL-E?

or were you just listening to Kylie?

Banjo String

NSFW....

Man gets hit by locomotive.

sock puppet

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

The DART's current setup does cause a lot of stress. The whole "every 15 minutes" thing is ridiculous when applied across the board, rush hour included. Go to any other major city, London or New York to take two fairly obvious examples, and I challenge you to ever have to wait more than ten minutes for a subway or tube.

Lol. You've obviously never experienced the joys of commuting in London. Irish commuters honestly don't know the meaning of the word crowded.

GarH

mawk wrote: »

Just buy an electric skateboard

Pffft.. according to Hollywood, we'll all have Hoverboards™ and/or flying cars in 2015. That's only 2 years from now. Can't wait

Mr Benevolent

OP, have you ever heard of a 'car'? It will solve all your transportation problems.

Seachmall

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

OP, have you ever heard of a 'car'? It will solve all your transportation problems.

First two sentences in the second paragraph.

Cars turn good people into card-holding nazis.

wendell borton

You should take up cycling OP as it's the energy efficient mode of transport available.

shopaholic01

OP, you should watch Boxing Helena, a movie from the 90s (or 80s?).

A man in that had the same idea, albeit for a different reason!

Truncheon Rouge

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkN4J2l1UaA

(yeah it would be Danni alright)

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA15Es6Bw2w

Across every ocean
For the sake of locomotion
But I wouldn't have a notion
How to save my soul

Tiddlypeeps

sock puppet wrote: »

Lol. You've obviously never experienced the joys of commuting in London. Irish commuters honestly don't know the meaning of the word crowded.

You have obviously never been on the luas at rush hour. I've seen mornings where it takes 5/6 attempts to close the doors because people are jammed in so tight.

Not saying it's worse than London, but you can't possibly get more crowded than the above situation, more people just won't fit. Saying Irish people don't know crowded is just silly.