Girlfriend suddenly has lost sex drive

LegacyUser

I realise there is a similar thread on the board right now, but (i) I don't want to hijack that girl's thread and (ii) my circumstances are different (iii) I think it could be different from a female perspective.

I'm in a long distance relationship and recently spent time with my gf. However, she had no interest in sex. We haven't always been LD and the sex has always been amazing. I couldn't have imagined better and she has told me the same. She would initiate sex as often as I would. Without getting too much into it, we would regularly be similarly satisified afterwards. Even once we started LD, we would talk about it on Skype and more...

But last week, she told me she didn't want to and we only did it once and it wasn't good. I asked her what the problem was and she said that she feels like there is too much pressure to have sex. I asked her was I doing anything different, which I didn't feel like I was and she said no, just that knowing I wanted to have sex made her feel under pressure.

I told her that making love to her was a special and important thing to me and was an important part of a happy relationship, but that I wouldn't initiate anything until she felt the pressure was gone and the next time we have sex it would be her that would initiate it. She thanked me for that and said it meant a lot.

We met about a year ago, but have been together about 6 months. I realise that the honeymoon sex period wouldn't last forever. But this is such a drastic change. The frustrating thing is that we don't get to see each other for about 2 months now.

Should I leave well enough alone until then and hope when we meet again she is in a better headspace or is there anyway I can be more proactive?

littleblackDRS

You've proabably read the other thread, so there's gonna be no surprises here. A massive change in sex drive like that probably means she's feeling different about you, or about the relationship. She's putting distance between you.

Is she ok with things being long distance?
Have you spoken to her about why she's suddenly lost interest in sex?

hurtguy wrote: »

But last week, she told me she didn't want to and we only did it once and it wasn't good. I asked her what the problem was and she said that she feels like there is too much pressure to have sex.

If it was bad, that probably means her heart wasnt in it either.

I'm speaking as someone who stopped having sex with someone "hoping they would get the hint" making a breakup easier.

In all, I really think you need to talk to her.

danslevent

I think you should give her a break. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and truth be told, a lot of the time I too feel pressurised and like all our time is taken up by sex when we do see each other. Sometimes we just want a cuddle!

When I don't feel like sex I know my boyfriend takes it really personally, which he shouldn't. Sometimes we just genuinely do not feel like having sex, I don't think it should immediately translate to your relationship being in danger.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

LittleBlackDRS....I was thinking along the same lines as you all week, but she has assured me that it isn't the case. We spoke about whether we both want to continue ling distance and it was a definite yes from both.

Danslevint...thanks for your response, it's what I needed to hear. I just hope it is temporary. Is there anything that puts you more or less in the mood, things I should or shouldn't do? Like I said above, sex is important, but I don't want her to start thinking that I think it is the be all and end all.

ibarelycare

Do you think there's a possibility she might have cheated? Sounds like she could be feeling guilty.

NeonCookies

hurtguy wrote: »

Is there anything that puts you more or less in the mood, things I should or shouldn't do? Like I said above, sex is important, but I don't want her to start thinking that I think it is the be all and end all.

You have to ask her that because everyone is different. Have a fun conversation where you talk about what things turn you both on (and off!) You could be surprised as for some women (going by myself, and the majority of my friends) things you wouldn't even think of can put you in the mood later! It could be something as simple as a huge smile on your face and an amazing hug when you see her first. That you've got her favourite DVD and microwave popcorn ready to go. A letter or parcel in the post. Talk to her.

It must be frustrating as if you only see each other sometimes, then of course you want to have sex as you can't do it when you're apart. But work on the intimacy and romance first, then MAYBE sex will follow. Don't expect it, and NEVER express your disappointment that it didn't end up in sex. I can understand the feeling of being pressured (not in a nasty way, but by disappointing a partner / feeling like there's something wrong with you for not wanting it) and it's the worst turn off.

It seems that you both have great communication, even from the way you both handled the conversation about her lack of drive. Just keep talking (and listening, definitely listening!) to each other. Don't panic. It sounds like you have a great thing going on.

danslevent

ibarelycare wrote: »

Do you think there's a possibility she might have cheated? Sounds like she could be feeling guilty.

This is very much jumping to the worst conclusion! Not everyone is up for sex all the time, it really doesn't mean the person wants to break up or are guilty of cheating!

I think op you'd be best just to do as the above poster said, be sweet, thoughtful, kind and complimentary towards your girl friend. Take the pressure off sex and just enjoy being together. Maybe kiss her but wait for her to initiate more.

My boyfriend really annoys me sometimes as hr accuses me of "leading him on" when we kiss but after work etc, I don't feel like sex. Getting angry or pushy with her will really just make it worse. Cuddling and kissing is sometimes left like that, it's not nice feeling like you owe Sex for enjoying some clothes on intimacy.

And don't insist on her having sex anyway, nothing more off putting than feeling like someone's human sex doll...

Merkin

I'd always be very wary of a sudden U-turn in someone's behaviour to be honest. There's not a lot you can do about this for now as you're not going to see her again for another two months. If however when you see her again this is an issue then it does need to be addressed.

I do think LDRs are particularly hard and if you've been away from one another for a while you can sometimes need a little bit of reconnection time before hopping into bed. It's like you have to get to know your partner a little all over again. On the other hand, there's no better way of reconnecting after a period apart!

For now I'd say nothing and see how it feels next time. If it continues there is absolutely no point whatsoever being in a sexless LDR, you'd be better of getting a penpal and being done with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

I'm as sure as I can be that she isn't or hasn't cheated.

NeonCookies & Danslevent, a lot of what you have said sounds like what we went through and said to each other. For instance, at first she wasn't as keen to cuddle, kiss etc. But after we talked, and I said no sex until she wanted it, she was back to wanting that like she normally would. I guess she though she might be "leading me on". She also made one comment about her not being a machine. Also, you are right that me being disappointed didn't help.

I appreciate the replies and realise I was being a bit of a d***. The insecurities that go with being in a LDR had me thinking something like "if she doesn't have sex with me she doesn't love me anymore". It was more to have the physical reassurance that she does than the act itself I wanted - if that makes sense.

chickenbutt

I can only speak from my experiences of also being in a long distance relationship. I only get to see my boyfriend 3-4 times a year, so sometimes I feel like there is a lot of emphasis or pressure put on sex when we are together. I don't know how far apart you guys are, but I travel quite a distance to see my bf and to be honest, I am exhausted when I get off the plane. I feel disgusting, tired, and all I really want to do is take a hot shower and sleep for awhile. I'm just not in the mood to jump in bed with him! After my bf made his first trip over to see me, he finally understood how I felt! So, thankfully, we've accepted that we both need some time to 'settle in' or reconnect with each other, like Merkin said. All of this, btw, was discovered when we had a frank and honest conversation about our needs and feelings about sex.

Oh and if at any point my bf had accused me of cheating on him when I was not interested in sex, not only would I have been offended, I would have said to get his head out of his ass!

LegacyUser

Thanks,

Yes, I didn't accuse her of cheating, quite the opposite actually, but I can see now how I might have made things worse, by letting her know I was disappointed. But like you say about having an open, frank conversation like we did, hopefully things will improve.

It is just very frustrating with the gaps in seeing each other and not being able to do anything now.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I was in a bit of a similar situation to you - except I was the girlfriend gone off sex.

Her cheating or using this as an excuse to break up with you are such extreme conclusions to jump to, I really wouldn't give them much thought. It sounds like the two of you have a really solid relationship anyway.

I went off sex for a number of reasons, all of them quite small but put together they obviously had quite an effect on my libido. And before this I actually had a really strong sex drive and sex with my boyfriend was great so it was a big change for the two of us. My reasons were mainly to do with stress from college life, work and family commitments. Lot of pressure on me at the time, and feeling under pressure to have sex when it really couldn't have been further from my mind just made me feel so much worse. I felt guilty that I was letting him down and it just added to the stresses that was in my life anyway, so wasn't very productive.

I also went off it for a bit when I had to switch the type of pill I was taking, the change in hormone levels really wasn't good for me mentally and sex just wasn't a priority. So like, it could literally be anything, and most likely it is just a phase she's going through. Just let her know that there's no pressure on her whatsoever. And maybe try find out if she's feeling a bit down or stressed out from other things going on in here life, you'll probably find your answers there.