Inviting an ex to a wedding

tipptopper

Okay folks, I’ll keep it as short as possible. Myself and the girlfriend are due to get married next year and we are starting our preparations at the moment.

One thing that’s really getting my back up is the fact that she wants to invite an ex of 2 years to the wedding. He has been a family friend of theirs for over 20 years and insists that he is coming to our wedding. When he moved to Ireland 5 years ago, he stayed in our house for about 3 weeks while he sorted himself a place to live etc. I wasn’t consulted over this and it really annoyed me at the time.


It’s not jealousy on my part ( he is now gay) not that has anything got to do with it but something is gnawing away at me at why she is so insisting on having him there.

It’s starting to cause arguments. It’s not as if she speaks to him all the time, they might only speak once a year but she still wants him at the wedding.
I’m not for a minute suggesting she still harbor feelings for him, she doesn’t, nor does he but I’m sick of hearing his bloody name.

Am I being petty? Any suggestions or opinions please?

Thanks

thebullkf

tipptopper wrote: »

Okay folks, I’ll keep it as short as possible. Myself and the girlfriend are due to get married next year and we are starting our preparations at the moment.

One thing that’s really getting my back up is the fact that she wants to invite an ex of 2 years to the wedding. He has been a family friend of theirs for over 20 years and insists that he is coming to our wedding. When he moved to Ireland 5 years ago, he stayed in our house for about 3 weeks while he sorted himself a place to live etc. I wasn’t consulted over this and it really annoyed me at the time.


It’s not jealousy on my part ( he is now gay) not that has anything got to do with it but something is gnawing away at me at why she is so insisting on having him there.

It’s starting to cause arguments. It’s not as if she speaks to him all the time, they might only speak once a year but she still wants him at the wedding.
I’m not for a minute suggesting she still harbor feelings for him, she doesn’t, nor does he but I’m sick of hearing his bloody name.

Am I being petty? Any suggestions or opinions please?

Thanks

put the foot down. its your wedding too.

The fact he stayed before in your house may have given herself the impression you were ok ish with it. or else she doesn't care and expects you to toe the line. Start off as you mean to go on.

Best of luck.

Tzardine

I would be personally ok with it.

Seems like she really wants him to be there and if she has known him for 20 years thats a long time. Sounds like they were friends that ended up getting together and it didnt work out.(Maybe because he is gay ) They are obviously comfortable around each other and the past is the past.

You say that you are not worried about anything going on between them or any feelings so I would have no worries.

Peregrinus

Traditionally, it's considered bad form to invite an ex to the wedding, and this is part of the reason why. On the one hand, your feelings are not entirely rational, given that you are happy she has no romantic feelings for him and that he now identifies as gay. On the other hand, feelings don't have to be rational to be real, and I think even people who think they wouldn't feel the same way in the like circumstances will readily understand that you do feel that way. Your fiancee should understand too.

I'm a bit puzzled when you say . . .

tipptopper wrote: »

He has been a family friend of theirs for over 20 years and insists that he is coming to our wedding.

If he's insisting that he is coming to the wedding, I'd put my foot down sharpish, and in very plain terms. If it's your fiancee who's insisting, on the other hand, you might be a bit more measured in what you say, but I think you can still say that you're deeply uncomfortable with this. And she should listen to you.

tipptopper

Sorry Pere, I should have stated this more clearly, she is insisting he comes to the wedding, not him.
Thanks for your replies. Part of me thinks I’m being petty and should rise above it, the other part of me thinks: hang on, I’m paying for this wedding, I’d like a say in whether he will be invited or not.
She can’t understand why I am so put out over it and I can’t understand why it’s such a big deal for her to have him there.
Strituck; you completely hit the nail on the head with your observation. They were friends for years, decided to get together, and he after 2 years of going out decides he is gay and split up.
For a simple life I probably should just put up with I suppose.

December2012

Why is his name coming up all the time?

If YOU stop talking about it - will she be still talking about him?

John Mason

But if he is a really good friend of hers why wouldnt he be invited

We had a few ex's at ours - i really dont see what the big deal is - maybe i am missing something

tipptopper

Because December, when you’re sorting out numbers for hotel, and seating arrangements, his name has to come up hasn’t it? That’s why there is an argument. Whether I mention his name or she mentions his name, what difference? The fact is there is an issue at hand, by sweeping it under the carpet or not mentioning his name won’t make the problem disappear will it.
John, you're not missing anything at all, I just posted for people's opinions, as I already said, I'm probably just being petty.
Nice to get people's opinions all the same.

CrinkElite

Get the leg over him yourself at the wedding. That'll learn em.

December2012

Are you talking about him more than others? Is she?

Do you think she is talking about him because she has some feelings about him being there?

It may have been devastating to break up because the other person is gay? Do you think her self esteem took a batter?

At the same time, are you pissed off at him for the way he treated her, and that it all seems forgotten?

Layinghen

Bite your tongue and go with it. Trust me on the big day you will have far more going on to even notice if he is there. I hate to tell you but as the wedding date approaches there will be more and more spats between you over very trivial things but which seem to be huge at the time. Relax, enjoy this special time and go with the flow - it is after all the biggest occasion in your lives together so far.

Being male I am afraid you are in the 'best supporting role' for the day so pick your battles (maybe putting your foot down on the idea of a pink morning suit )

Best wishes to you both

clint_silver

as with all disputes about wedding. sit down and realistically mark out of 10 how much you want/dont want whatever it is. If you dont want him there 10/10 and she wants him there 8/10. you should win.

but be prepared to sacrifice others. if its a tie at10/10 each explain how much you will be not looking forward to the wedding, tell her its absolutely eating you up inside (maybe it is) and if she proceeds then thats all you'll remember and as much as she doesnt want to know this, its true.

then again, if its just a "Id prefer him not there cos he gets on me goat" and its a 6/10 and she's a 9/10 then accept it, put it past you and stop thinking about it.

Once you start doing the numbing thing though, while fair, choose your battles wisely.

Dolbert

IMO you are being a little irrational, however nobody should have to have someone at their wedding day who they really don't want there. Your fiancée is putting this man's feelings ahead of yours and, since she's marrying you and not him, it's not really on.

pwurple

They are friends... the family are friends with him? Let him come along. No longer just an ex, he's a friend.

I can't stand a couple of my husband's friends, and he is not too keen on some of mine. I don't expect us to be the same, and like the same people. His friends that I don't like came to our wedding, as did my friends that he didn't like. I didn't get to talk to them there were plenty of other people there, no biggie.

Joe Hart

SHe is insisting? To be honest I would say to forget the wedding and get out now.

CaraMay

He is a friend so I don't see why you need to lay down the law...

Let her bring him and forget about it.

duckman!!

Joe Hart wrote: »

SHe is insisting? To be honest I would say to forget the wedding and get out now.

haha run for the hills!!

movingsucks

Why does he bother you so much?
You need to explain clearly to your fiancee why you don't like him and why you don't want him there.
Start by writing it down yourself, posting here is a good start.
Saying "I'm paying so I get a say" isn't enough. You need to make her see why you don't want him there. He'll either end up being there or he won't there isn't a compromise so if you don't want him there then you'll have to be crystal clear with her on why.
Wedding planning can very quickly descend into tit for tat and battles over principles. "You did this knowing I wasn't happy about it" or "I was never even consulted" and suddenly what seem like tiny little things end up as this huge big deal about who "gets their way" in the end.
One poster said "put your foot down". Well that's great, do that - then she "puts her foot down" and says he IS coming. Then what happens? No wedding?
Proceed carefully and rationally.

Gatica

agreed, you need to find a way to phrase it so she can understand how you feel. As someone else already said, it may not be something rational. You're not jealous of him as a romantic interest, but maybe you are jealous as a friend? After all you're a friend too and she seems to be putting priority of him coming over your feelings.
I've known people who've had exes at the wedding, but both parties were ok with it. She can insist that he comes just because he's a friend, but both your feelings on the matter need to be considered.
If she's done this before without talking to you (him staying with you) and you didn't say anything at the time, then she probably thought you were ok with it. Maybe now it's a good time to say you were not and now you feel like you again don't get a say in this decision process that should involve both of you.

MagicMarker

TBH I would have dumped her after she invited him to live with you for 3 weeks without consulting you.

JustAThought

Hmmm - I've clear lines in a relationship & tbh though I'm fine with MY ex-es , I'm NOT fine with my OH's!! There is a little jealous irrational Foot stomping part of me that is not happy at all with it AT ALL; so I can imagine how not happy I would be if I felt that had " they " not " decided( discovered- I know!!) " they we're gay that mysecret fear would be I might not be in the equation at all.

I think it's jealousy & I think that's a normal natural thing!!! You love her & don't want any however tiny or irrational treat to that. But he IS her friend who she only sees once a year or so & that friendship means a lot to her. Do you really want to wound her so
Deeply on your wedding day that you would exclude a person who she values as a friend, who will have a lot of mutual
Friends there, and whose friendship stretches back 20 years.

I wouldn't like to do this to someone I loved. That's assuming he never had a
Fight with you or did something awful
To you.

Maybe the issue is that she is taking his side over yours. In the house stay thing, and now in this. ( does she know tr strength of your feelings that you don't want him to come?) .

And that would annoy me a lot more.

It's about her Sensitivity to your feelings too, As well as you being sensitive to her wishes for invitees.

I think you would be the better on paper if you shared this with her ; and let him
come. You can be sure he will be lost in the crowd - just instruct the photographer to move him Away from you if he tries to stand close in the group shot. ( my friend did this at theirs - big success- )

You wouldn't be normal if You Weren't Jealous!!! How many people will be there? 80? 120? He will just be an insignificant Blip in the day.
You Could ask Her To Invite his Partner Too - might reassure everyone - you
Can be sure he's probably jealous of HER too!!!

prettygurrly

I'm actually struggling to see the problem here. He is a long term friend. You need to separate the staying in the house without consulting you issue from the current issue of the wedding invite. People have baggage and they have a history. If he is still her friend and a family friend then like it or not he is still important. Not more important than you but still important.

The way I would look at it is you're marrying your fiancee not him. You are ALWAYS going to be the more important person in this equation. I would be really upset with my bf if he had a problem with someone I really wanted at the wedding. I wouldn't do it to him and I wouldn't expect it from him.

magnumbud

if i was the ex i wouldn't want to be at the wedding of a ex girl friend.

i think if she knows you are uncomfortable with it its unfair that she push it on you it is your wedding too

prettygurrly

this isn't just some ex. I wouldn't want my ex anywhere near my wedding but I have people that are important to me that I may have been closer to than just friends. My boyfriend knows these people and while he's not friends with them and similarly I would hardly ever talk to them due to life's path taking us in different directions, if I was getting married I would want to invite them as my long term friends. Things are much easier with the ex being gay...there's no ulterior motive there...and as someone else said, you'll probably never even see this man but you'll have hurt your fiancee...it's a no brainer to me....


you do need to sort the whole him staying in your house without consultation...regardless of who it is (except parents) I would expect consultation if someone was going to be in my space for a period of time. That's a much bigger thing for me than the wedding invite.

Dubliner28

Dolbert wrote: »

IMO you are being a little irrational, however nobody should have to have someone at their wedding day who they really don't want there. Your fiancée is putting this man's feelings ahead of yours and, since she's marrying you and not him, it's not really on.

+1


Speakto her, tell her you feel uncomfortable and don’t want him there.



Givehim an afters invite if needs be.