Frequency of sex

LegacyUser

We are married nine years, together for 11.
Like all relationships we had a lot of sex had the start and then it settled down into two / three times a week before our three children came along. The youngest is now two years old.

I have a higher sex drive than my wife and ideally would like to have sex as often as possible. My wife however is happy with us doing it once a week. She usually goes to bed a little later than me (watches a lot of television; is on laptop etc) while I have to get for work in the mornings. Sometimes I'll ask her if she's coming to bed with me - if she says yes, there's a chance of us having sex. If the answer's no, then we won't. Trying to seduce her while she's watching television or on the computer usually doesn't work so I don't bother trying anymore.

This lack of intimacy is starting to bother me. We have had some discussions but I am wary of pressuring her into having sex just to keep me happy. It should be something we both want.

Our sexual history differs - I have had 15 previous partners while my wife had only one before me.

The thing that bugs me the most is this - my wife really enjoys sex and ends up having an orgasm 95% of the time. It's not as if she's just going through the motions and doesn't enjoy it. That's what makes it so frustrating - this "one day on; six days off" seems like such a waste to me.

Any ideas on how to improve things?

LegacyUser

To be honest, after 9 years of marriage and three children, once a week sounds pretty good. I cannot imagine having three small children and feeling horny all the time.

I'm not sure how much sex you're looking for. You say you'd have sex as often as possible but also that it was 2/3 times weekly for some time when you were childless. So how much do you want? Do you know? And if so, have you actually told her what you want?

I'm not sure why you equate enjoying sex to "should really be gagging for it". She enjoys sex - she just doesn't need it every day! She apparently only needs it once a week, and the rest of the time prefers a bit of escapism with the telly and the computer.

You say when you go to bed at the same time you usually end up doing it. I presume you initiate mostly? I wonder if she stays up late cos she doesn't want to have sex that particular evening but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by rejecting you? I.e. it's not a coincidence, and the nights she comes to bed at the same time are the nights she wouldn't mind it.

You gotta talk about it.

Lenmeister

Frustrated74 wrote: »

She usually goes to bed a little later than me (watches a lot of television; is on laptop etc)

Trying to seduce her while she's watching television or on the computer usually doesn't work so I don't bother trying anymore.

The thing that bugs me the most is this - my wife really enjoys sex and ends up having an orgasm 95% of the time.

Hmm, why do you have to "seduce" your own wife? That to me seems weird, especially if she orgasms almost every time. She should be wanting regular sex. Maybe the physical flames aren't as hot as they used to be? It could just be a case of lost interest, perhaps you could try spicing things up a little to get her in the mood? Also, you said you talked to her about it, what was her response?

You should find a way of minimising all that time she spends at the tv/laptop, it's not ideal for one person to be spending all their time watching tv and the other in bed, 6/7 days. Sorry I can't be of more help.

LegacyUser

Lenmeister wrote: »

Hmm, why do you have to "seduce" your own wife? That to me seems weird, especially if she orgasms almost every time. She should be wanting regular sex. Maybe the physical flames aren't as hot as they used to be? It could just be a case of lost interest, perhaps you could try spicing things up a little to get her in the mood? Also, you said you talked to her about it, what was her response?

You should find a way of minimising all that time she spends at the tv/laptop, it's not ideal for one person to be spending all their time watching tv and the other in bed, 6/7 days. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Seduce is the wrong expression. What I really mean is initiate sex. We tend to do our own separate stuff in the evenings which may be part of the problem.

Once she's in the mood she loves it. It's getting her there is the problem.

Her reaction to when we discussed it was this - "I really enjoy having sex with you but we have different sex drives. Once a week suits me fine".

She also said that while she enjoys the physical act she isn't fond of 1) Contraception preparation (she has to insert diaphragm), 2) The "mess" afterwards as we don't use condoms and 3) The missing out on sleep.

She used a swimming analogy with also bugged me - "I love swimming itself but I hate the hassle of driving to the pool, getting undressed and having messed hair afterwards. That's why I don't do it every day or even every second day".

Well OP you could address points 1 and 2 by using condoms - not even every time, but occasionally. This could be a good compromise?

Mariasofia

And maybe address point 3 by arranging sitter for kids and initiating during a daytime appointment. Just a thought?

Lenmeister

Well it's great that she loves it when she's in the mood. But ya I think getting her in the mood could be something you could work on? Because you said at the start you were having sex a lot etc, so she was obviously in the mood a lot then, so maybe figure out a way that gets her really in the mood now. I get the different sex drive part, but she obviously used to have more of a sex drive, so I'd say it's more than possible for her to get that sex drive back. It could be just that you've gotten into a routine and she isn't bothered about getting out of it. Saying "it suits me fine" sounds like she's not too bothered, that she's content, but it doesn't sound like she wouldn't be into more than once a week.

The sleep thing, maybe she could spend less time on the laptop and more time being intimate. She can't leave you sexually frustrated just because it "suits her", you have needs. I get that you have kids and work and are very busy etc, but if she has the time to spend hours in front of the tv and laptop, I'm sure she can take an hour to be intimate? I still find it weird that she really enjoys it, but would rather sit for hours in front of the tv. Surely if she enjoys it that much then it's worth those 3 points she brought up.

Does it have to be sex, could you try oral sex a few times a week instead if she doesn't like to deal with the mess? Then have sex that one time she's in the mood. Maybe that would lead to her wanting more sex. It's hard to know how to approach as you don't want to put pressure on her, but you don't want her to think that everything is fine if it's not. Oh and I'm presuming you can't use condoms for whatever reason, otherwise I'm sure you would as it would sort out the mess and she wouldn't be using a diaphragm.

Merkin

Who says sex has to happen at bedtime? You could have lazy morning sex or a quickie when the kids have gone to bed or nip home for illicit afternoon delights? Maybe the predictability of sex before lights out every time is a rather dull prospect?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Condoms are out. They just don't work for me.
She did suggest a vasectomy which would sort out the contraception piece. I'm not sure if I want one though. Worried about possible side effects.

She never liked morning sex (I'm up too early anyway) and getting home in the afternoon is not possible - workplace is more than an hour away. However it's not always a bedtime thing - sometimes the sex takes places when the kids have fallen asleep so that's a positive I suppose.

Spending a lot of time watching television and on the computer is something she genuinely enjoys. While I go to bed first I am often awake when she comes up. She keeps saying that she likes to cuddle (without sex) but is reluctant to do so in case I think it's an invitation for sex. As a result we don't cuddle too often which increases the intimacy void.

Ideally I'd like sex maybe three times a week. At the moment we're averaging about four or five times a month. We lose a week each month due to her period - and sometimes longer if we haven't had sex in the days leading up to it.

The frustration gets to me most of all because I know she enjoys it. That's what makes it difficult to take. I know she's in a routine now and it can be hard to get out of but it's taking it's toll on me.

ted1

If its a size thing condoms come are available in large or small sizes

Weathering

Try this. Don't try and initiate sex with her,just act the same way being nice etc but don't come on to her. She will eventually think god whats up or why isn't he trying. Either go with it when she tries or knock her back the first time make up an excuse. Either way you'll notice her putting in more of an effort because to be fair to her she's just probably set in a routine now and doesn't even notice your feeling this way. This might give her a wake up call to put in more effort or she really just might like it once a week

Three Seasons

Weathering wrote: »

Try this. Don't try and initiate sex with her,just act the same way being nice etc but don't come on to her. She will eventually think god whats up or why isn't he trying. Either go with it when she tries or knock her back the first time make up an excuse. Either way you'll notice her putting in more of an effort because to be fair to her she's just probably set in a routine now and doesn't even notice your feeling this way. This might give her a wake up call to put in more effort or she really just might like it once a week

Good post here OP. I think you should set yourself a challenge of 1 month not having sex. If she initiates tell her you aren't in the mood.

Merkin

Weathering wrote: »

Try this. Don't try and initiate sex with her,just act the same way being nice etc but don't come on to her. She will eventually think god whats up or why isn't he trying. Either go with it when she tries or knock her back the first time make up an excuse. Either way you'll notice her putting in more of an effort because to be fair to her she's just probably set in a routine now and doesn't even notice your feeling this way. This might give her a wake up call to put in more effort or she really just might like it once a week

Do not do this.Game playing in a marriage is neither healthy or mature and could precipitate a whole host of other issues.

Frustrated74

Playing games is a bad thing, don't do that.

Frustrated74 wrote: »

She keeps saying that she likes to cuddle (without sex) but is reluctant to do so in case I think it's an invitation for sex. As a result we don't cuddle too often which increases the intimacy void.

That's interesting, OP. Why don't you try building up the intimacy in general first, and start with cuddling without hoping it'll be more? I am sure you are frustrated already, but try it for a while.

LegacyUser

Mate your still getting it at least once a week, trust me there are people in relationships getting it a lot less, im in my EARLY / MID TWENTYS I have had sex with my gf less than 6 times in the last year. She has mad intimacy issues, used to be at it hole time at start somtimes twice a day, but now we have a whole range of relationship issues that prevents her from wanting intamacy.

Which leaves me feeling frustaed not to mention hugley rejected, at a time in my life I should be in my prime not feeling **** about my self because my gf never wants it,
Sorry for hijacking thread, just wanted to give some perspective, I understand it could be better but it could be a lot worse too op.

Lenmeister

Weathering wrote: »

Try this. Don't try and initiate sex with her,just act the same way being nice etc but don't come on to her. She will eventually think god whats up or why isn't he trying. Either go with it when she tries or knock her back the first time make up an excuse. Either way you'll notice her putting in more of an effort because to be fair to her she's just probably set in a routine now and doesn't even notice your feeling this way. This might give her a wake up call to put in more effort or she really just might like it once a week

I don't agree with this at all. No offense but I think that's bad advice. Using reverse psychology in the *hope* that she will do a turn around is definitely not a good idea IMO. I think it's highly unlikely to have a good outcome.

Plus in turn he will end up going for a VERY long time without sex because of it. This will make the problem and his frustrations much worse. She will be very confused considering he has told her he wants to be having more sex. How is she going to feel if the month before he has a serious talk about not having enough intimacy, then the next month he does a u-turn and seems no longer interested. Don't you think she's going to feel very 'weirded out'?

There's many kinds of condoms, have you tried them all? Even if she suggested a vasectom, you or her might be sorry down the line. Maybe once a week you could have the day to yourselves and ask your parents to mind the kids or get a sitter. Spend the day together and do something really romantic, make her feel special. You need her to be focused on you, not tv. Are you both active outside work and kids? I know it's tough but it can help, going to the gym or for a swim etc.

LegacyUser

Condoms - I seem to have a mental block as I sometimes lose my erection when putting these on. That means delays / starting the foreplay again etc. Don't have a problem when we use other forms of contraception.

Reverse psychology - I agree with all the posters who said that this won't work. I think it would be counter-productive and send out the wrong signals. I was looking at another forum earlier where somebody had a similar problem to mine and some guy suggested having an affair - "if you're not getting it at home then go elsewhere". Needless to say I don't agree with that either.

One of the main problems is this:
As I said we have different sex drives - therefore my wife doesn't really see this once a week sex as a problem - because that's all she seems to want. She knows I'm frustrated but I don't want to push her too hard.

I think we need to spend more time with each other. We have sufficient time every evening on our own without necessarily having to resort to babysitters but perhaps a change of scene (get out of the house) might help. Both of us aren't really sporty or active outside work and the children. My interests are indoor (music, reading etc). My wife is a member of a variety of Facebook groups re babies / breastfeeding etc so that occupies a lot of her time. Along with the television. We need to break that I think - otherwise I'm worried about us drifting apart. I often wonder (inwardly) if we'd be still together if we didn't have children. However if I said that to her she'd probably get very upset.

Weathering

Merkin wrote: »

Do not do this.Game playing in a marriage is neither healthy or mature and could precipitate a whole host of other issues.

Maybe I didn't word what I was trying to say properly. I don't advocate playing games etc. It just seems to me she has all the power when it comes to intercourse He initiates sex all the time. What I was trying to say is maybe he cooled off she might in turn initiate sex for a change and this could spice things up.

ElleEm

Frustrated74 wrote: »

Condoms - I seem to have a mental block as I sometimes lose my erection when putting these on. That means delays / starting the foreplay again etc. Don't have a problem when we use other forms of contraception.

Reverse psychology - I agree with all the posters who said that this won't work. I think it would be counter-productive and send out the wrong signals. I was looking at another forum earlier where somebody had a similar problem to mine and some guy suggested having an affair - "if you're not getting it at home then go elsewhere". Needless to say I don't agree with that either.

One of the main problems is this:
As I said we have different sex drives - therefore my wife doesn't really see this once a week sex as a problem - because that's all she seems to want. She knows I'm frustrated but I don't want to push her too hard.

I think we need to spend more time with each other. We have sufficient time every evening on our own without necessarily having to resort to babysitters but perhaps a change of scene (get out of the house) might help. Both of us aren't really sporty or active outside work and the children. My interests are indoor (music, reading etc). My wife is a member of a variety of Facebook groups re babies / breastfeeding etc so that occupies a lot of her time. Along with the television. We need to break that I think - otherwise I'm worried about us drifting apart. I often wonder (inwardly) if we'd be still together if we didn't have children. However if I said that to her she'd probably get very upset.

It definitely sounds like you need to reconnect. Maybe sex wouldn't seem like as much of a chore to her. Obviously you are quite sensitive in not pushing her to have sex with you, which is great. You should talk to her about missing the intimacy, not just the sex. You should really be able to kiss and cuddle her without it turning into sex, (or without you trying it on). I can imagine that without this, a marriage can easily turn into more of a friendship.

If all your focus is on the kids, and your separate interests, then you are missing out on being a couple. Tell her you want to spend more "couple" time with her. Even if you can get her to have one night a week with no TV or laptop where you have a nice dinner and talk or listen to music together. Even playing board games or cards or something can be fun- find something that works for you. You need to come at it from more of an intimacy/ relationship development point of view so she won't think you're only looking for the ride! Maybe being more connected in your relationship will lead her to want to be closer to you.

LegacyUser

OP my marriage of 18 years is almost identical to yours and has being this way for the past 8/9 years. First 10 years everything great and then things gradually changed to maybe once a week if we were lucky.

The really annoying part is that we have a wide circle of friends and a very active social life and we are used as the model marriage on a regular basis by even our closest friends and constantly get, if only we could be like them etc etc
To be clear I love my wife to bits and I am pretty confident she the same, but she just doesn't have the sex drive she had.
This has caused huge problems in our marriage because I still have the sex drive I had and it came very close to us separating about 7 years ago as over this and this alone, we had no other issues or problems, but I was not prepared to leave our marriage or kids over sex alone.
My wife and I tried pretty much everything that has being mentioned here by others so far including having a vasectomy and going to counselling for nearly 12 months, all to no avail.
Then around 5 years ago I started having an affair with a married work colleague which continues to this day. She is pretty much in the same situation with a happy marriage with little or no sex. We get together 4/5 times a week and go away for conferences or trade shows 6 or 7 times a year which would normally involve a long weekend. Over the last conference we attended we had sex more times than I had in the previous year with my wife.
Now I know this is wrong, I am fully aware of this and I know that if it is ever revealed that it will be the end of my marriage, but here's the thing, since the affair has started our marriage has gone from strength to strength and is probably stronger now than it ever was because the pressure of sex is no longer there. We now spend more time and do more activities together than we ever have. We still have sex as I said earlier, maybe 3 times a month .
Now I do not advocate or suggest having an affair, it involves lying, deceit and smoke and mirrors all the time, but that is how I have dealt with a situation similar to yours.
My post and all it contains will now be pulled to pieces and you will be told why every thing I have said or done is wrong but this has worked for me and this is my first hand experience. I know that if I was not having this affair our marriage would have ended by now.

Lenmeister

Jesus I'd be careful if I was you. I know you're not looking for advice but that's a dangerous road. Especially going on that long. I've no intention of giving you abuse or telling you that you shouldn't be doing it. There will be plenty of others to do that. It's your life and I won't tell you how to live it as your choices are your own. Though I will say this, no offense same_boat, but your wife now sounds more like an "all sorts" activity partner than a wife. Sounds rather sad. But if you're happy then so be it. I feel sorry for your wife. I imagine she'd be a train wreck if she found out.

I'll make reference to it though for the above OP.

in_d_same_boat wrote: »

This has caused huge problems in our marriage because I still have the sex drive I had and it came very close to us separating about 7 years ago as over this and this alone, we had no other issues or problems, but I was not prepared to leave our marriage or kids over sex alone.
My wife and I tried pretty much everything that has being mentioned here by others so far including having a vasectomy and going to counselling for nearly 12 months, all to no avail.

I think this is very relevant. The situation sounds exactly the same. And OP I'm sure you don't want to end up going down the same road. I think if you looked at how your life was then and how it is now might give you some clues as to reigniting the spark. Just a thought, but you might figure something out looking back if you look hard enough.

Frustrated74 wrote: »

Condoms - I seem to have a mental block as I sometimes lose my erection when putting these on.

but perhaps a change of scene (get out of the house) might help. Both of us aren't really sporty or active outside work and the children. My interests are indoor (music, reading etc).

I often wonder (inwardly) if we'd be still together if we didn't have children. However if I said that to her she'd probably get very upset.

Mental block - Why? This mental block sounds like a big problem actually. I think you should start looking at that and figure out exactly why it's a problem if you don't know.

Yes I think a change of scene is very neccesary right now. Who says music is purely indoors? Gigs, concerts, festivals? All outdoor really fun activities. Reading? I go to the beach sometimes or a park and read for hours, sometimes with a partner.

Yes, I imagine she would get upset. But if you're thinking those things then it's safe for me to assume there is too much doubt on your part about the marriage and you need to fix it pronto.

anamara86

in_d_same_boat wrote: »

OP my marriage of 18 years is almost identical to yours and has being this way for the past 8/9 years. First 10 years everything great and then things gradually changed to maybe once a week if we were lucky.

The really annoying part is that we have a wide circle of friends and a very active social life and we are used as the model marriage on a regular basis by even our closest friends and constantly get, if only we could be like them etc etc
To be clear I love my wife to bits and I am pretty confident she the same, but she just doesn't have the sex drive she had.
This has caused huge problems in our marriage because I still have the sex drive I had and it came very close to us separating about 7 years ago as over this and this alone, we had no other issues or problems, but I was not prepared to leave our marriage or kids over sex alone.
My wife and I tried pretty much everything that has being mentioned here by others so far including having a vasectomy and going to counselling for nearly 12 months, all to no avail.
Then around 5 years ago I started having an affair with a married work colleague which continues to this day. She is pretty much in the same situation with a happy marriage with little or no sex. We get together 4/5 times a week and go away for conferences or trade shows 6 or 7 times a year which would normally involve a long weekend. Over the last conference we attended we had sex more times than I had in the previous year with my wife.
Now I know this is wrong, I am fully aware of this and I know that if it is ever revealed that it will be the end of my marriage, but here's the thing, since the affair has started our marriage has gone from strength to strength and is probably stronger now than it ever was because the pressure of sex is no longer there. We now spend more time and do more activities together than we ever have. We still have sex as I said earlier, maybe 3 times a month .
Now I do not advocate or suggest having an affair, it involves lying, deceit and smoke and mirrors all the time, but that is how I have dealt with a situation similar to yours.
My post and all it contains will now be pulled to pieces and you will be told why every thing I have said or done is wrong but this has worked for me and this is my first hand experience. I know that if I was not having this affair our marriage would have ended by now.

I'm confused - how can you say your marriage has gone from strength to strength when it is built on lies & deceit!

Three Seasons

anamara86 wrote: »

I'm confused - how can you say your marriage has gone from strength to strength when it is built on lies & deceit!

I think what he's saying is they are both much happier now and really enjoy each other's company again.

I think that's quite common in monogomous relationships, for many sex or lack thereof can ruin a relationship as one party needs it more than the other. Resentment can seep in and sour the entire relationship. An affair can remove that and bring joy into the relationship again.

I say that obviously without being judgemental.

LegacyUser

I really have to laugh at the people complaining here about having sex once a week.

I'm married nearly 10 years now with 3 kids and i'm lucky if i get it once every 3 weeks. Counting this year and it averages at once every 17 days - even at that it sometimes a case of 12 o'clock at night just get it over with as we both have work in the morning.

Both of us are tired in the evening and it sometimes can be a non runner for either of us (so can't blame one or the other).

I'd love to have sex once a week!!

Small kids who wake up at 6.40 or so EVERY day don't help (in bed between 8-9 every night). Add in work, making dinner, making lunches, tidying up, grocery shopping, swimming classes, birthday parties, homework, school runs, washing, ironing, bathing and all the stuff that comes with family life and sex can go on the back boiler.

Doesn't mean i don't love my wife any less nor will i stray elsewhere - just a facet of modern life.

desbrook

My ex-wife was one of those women who went off sex - or so I thought. I got every excuse in the book and even had a vasectomy at 35 to try and improve things. It wasnt just sex . I was so jealous of couples I would see snuggling on the sofa .I was told I wasn't great in bed, had bad breath, you name it. Naturally my confidence suffered. For about five years I jumped through every hoop with no improvement.
I ALMOST had an affair. The fact that the woman ( a stunner) was interested in me and found me attractive woke me up. Eventually I split with my wife about two years ago. I have no problem with the opposite sex I've discovered and am seeing the most magical lady for almost a year. We have a fabulous sex life and love to cuddle on the sofa - even watching soaps.
My wife I realise didnt have a problem with sex - just sex with me. That's hard to say but it's true. She doesn't want a serious relationship but I know she has had a great sex life since we split.
Like the other poster I'm just putting your issues in perspective OP. You may be in a similar situation. One last thing I have to say though - if I had weekly sex with my wife it wouldn't have been ideal but I'd have been satisfied - at least on the sex front. The intimacy and cuddles I have now though with my gf are priceless and make the split totally the right decision.

Misticles

I'm in a long term relationship - engaged the last year. We never have sex or any physical contact really. It's me, I don't want it. I'm not arsed having sex and get annoyed when he tries to initiate it. I enjoy it when we have sex but on the other hand I'm thinking would ya come on I'm up early. I know I'm pushing him away and he feels rejected. I just don't think the attraction is there anymore.

In my past relationships I never had this issue, I was always initiating and couldn't get enough of my partners at the time but I haven't been like that in a long time. Even down to kissing I'm like ugh come on I'm going to bed here. I'm just not in it. I know it's not just going off sex that there are underlying issues that need addressing.

I would actually be afraid that we would be faced with having an affair to get satisfied sexually.

Out situation makes its hard to do anything as we live and work together. This in itself has not helped us as we see eachother all of the time.

I've started enquiring about counselling as I know it can't go on. For us to break up, it involves one moving out and one being taken off the current project we both work on as seeing eachother everyday would not make it easy.

Three Seasons

Misticles wrote: »

I'm in a long term relationship - engaged the last year. We never have sex or any physical contact really. It's me, I don't want it. I'm not arsed having sex and get annoyed when he tries to initiate it. I enjoy it when we have sex but on the other hand I'm thinking would ya come on I'm up early. I know I'm pushing him away and he feels rejected. I just don't think the attraction is there anymore.

In my past relationships I never had this issue, I was always initiating and couldn't get enough of my partners at the time but I haven't been like that in a long time. Even down to kissing I'm like ugh come on I'm going to bed here. I'm just not in it. I know it's not just going off sex that there are underlying issues that need addressing.

I would actually be afraid that we would be faced with having an affair to get satisfied sexually.

Out situation makes its hard to do anything as we live and work together. This in itself has not helped us as we see eachother all of the time.

I've started enquiring about counselling as I know it can't go on. For us to break up, it involves one moving out and one being taken off the current project we both work on as seeing eachother everyday would not make it easy.

By the sounds of it you would be mad not to break up. A lifetime of missing out on a satisfying sex life is such a waste.

Misticles

Three Seasons wrote: »

By the sounds of it you would be mad not to break up. A lifetime of missing out on a satisfying sex life is such a waste.

I know especially because I know I can thoroughly enjoy sex as I have done in the past but I guess this relationship is lacking something that those ones had.

We've broken up before and got back together. The hardest part is work and living logistics tbh.

kat.mac

OP - you need to let your wife know how you feel. At the moment I think she thinks you're just randy; but it's clearly more than that. You're craving something very important between a couple and downplaying your feelings will be bad for both of you in the long term.

Having said that, I'm sure you're aware of the hormonal upheaval that comes with pregnancy and childbirth, which I would imagine is also playing a part in the decrease in your wife's sex drive. So be prepared that when you do talk to her, while she may be more than willing to work on the problem, it'll take more than a 'flick of the switch' to bring a mutual resolution.

Clearly, this is a very nuanced issue, but I think openness and clear, open communication are key here. With that, I think this is a very solvable problem.

Finally, to the posters who say the OP should be grateful for the amount of sex he is getting - that's not helpful here.

LegacyUser

Thanks again to all who replied.

We have made progress in the last few days. Both in terms of "talk" and "action". We've spent more time together and I think it's having a positive effect.

To the person who suggested an affair - I'm not going to judge you but I couldn't do that. Deceit and lies don't come easily to me and I'd feel rotten if I betrayed my spouse. I certainly wouldn't like it if she did it to me. If you're meeting her four or five times a week then how can your wife not suspect?

LegacyUser

Misticles wrote: »

I know especially because I know I can thoroughly enjoy sex as I have done in the past but I guess this relationship is lacking something that those ones had.

We've broken up before and got back together. The hardest part is work and living logistics tbh.

if your main reason for not wanting to break up is because of work n living logistics then your relationship is pretty much over.

Queen-Mise

Frustrated74 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

Condoms are out. They just don't work for me.
She did suggest a vasectomy which would sort out the contraception piece. I'm not sure if I want one though. Worried about possible side effects.

I would look at this again. If you are happy with the amount of kids you have and don't want any more.

Messing around the place with contraception is just DAMN annoying. And can have horrid side effects for women.
The pill doesn't suit me - I turn into a raving lunatic on it. So we had to use condoms which needless to say did affect sex life.

The women had all the kids, labour, pregnancies and not looking after contraception again.

Look into it and see what are the side effects or is there any.

marzic

OP, on the vasectomy front, I know 3 men personally who've had it done and have had no side effects or set-backs. It was still 6 months before they could go without some type of contraception (also with a couple of sperm tests in that time) - but it was pain free and available locally.

Corvo

Weathering wrote: »

Try this. Don't try and initiate sex with her,just act the same way being nice etc but don't come on to her. She will eventually think god whats up or why isn't he trying. Either go with it when she tries or knock her back the first time make up an excuse. Either way you'll notice her putting in more of an effort because to be fair to her she's just probably set in a routine now and doesn't even notice your feeling this way. This might give her a wake up call to put in more effort or she really just might like it once a week

Yes, don't do this. Will only increase the mess.

:pac:

MissFlitworth

Dan Savage (Savage Love) has some excellent podcasts (I think it was either podcast 327 or 328 if you're looking) on getting used to condoms if you're the kind of person who 'just can't' with them on. Might be worth looking them up or his column (also Savage Love) because it seems like the easiest fix to that part of why your wife isn't enjoying sex. You have more to gain by getting over your mental block than your wife has by getting used to the diaphragm/mess because her sex drive will still not be as high as yours so probably very much worth you trying to work past it.

Neyite

Griffin1988 wrote: »

Yes, don't do this. Will only increase the mess.

:pac:

Griffin1988, welcome to Relationship Issues. Please acquaint yourself with the Charter and read a few threads to get a feel for the expected standard of posting in this forum.

Lenmeister

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Dan Savage (Savage Love) has some excellent podcasts

Ahh Vancouver! I used to read Savage Love, The Georgia Straight wasn't it? Lived over there for a year, best year of my life Some of those stories though... Crazy just doesn't describe them!

Glad to hear you're making progress OP, hope you make some more in the coming weeks.

Corvo

Neyite wrote: »

Griffin1988, welcome to Relationship Issues. Please acquaint yourself with the Charter and read a few threads to get a feel for the expected standard of posting in this forum.

Sorry