Ex bothering me

Censorsh!t

I'm not gonna bother going unreg as nobody knows me here.

Me and my ex broke up 6 months ago. It was a reaaally bad breakup, him trying to guilt me into staying with him, which dragged it out a lot longer than necessary. He said some very nasty things to me, and I never forgot them. He went through phases of saying sorry, and then suddenly snapping back to telling me what a bitch I was.
I tried to keep calm during the whole thing, telling him I was sorry and that I just didn't feel the same way about him, and therefore it was not right to go on just because he wanted to.

It finally ended anyway, and I cut contact. In January I received a 5 page letter from him in the post. It was really light hearted, and seemed like an apology for how he behaved. He wrote that he didn't expect a reply from me or anything, and although I meant to eventually email him, I didn't get around to it, and a few weeks later he emailed me asking did I want to meet up for tea. I replied saying that, right now, I didn't really feel like it and that I was very busy, but perhaps sometime in the future when I felt ready to talk to him.

A few weeks ago my friend was home from London, and she wanted to go to the pub where he works, cause, well, it's kind of the place where everybody goes. I didn't want to, but I agreed eventually and presumed it wouldn't be a huge deal, and if I saw him I would say hi. I didn't see him, so presumed he wasn't working. The next morning he emailed me saying it was very offensive and disrepesctful of me to go there. We exchanged a few emails,, I said sorry, he eventually said that it was okay for me to go there, and he overreacted. So it seemed we were on good enough terms then, he sent me some light hearted emails about how he was and stuff, and I replied (friendly, but a bit clinical I guess) once or twice. I didn't want to be emailing him everyday, as that's just weird and I wanted to keep my distance.

Last week I saw him in the pub and I said hi and he waved back and smiled and that was that. Last night however, I was there again (I knew he wasn't going to be working) and just as I was leaving he came up to me extremely drunk and started telling me to "state my case", telling me i had done "everything wrong", despite me trying to be friendly. I then told him I had to go, and he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go, so I told him to **** off, to which he shouted "Why haven't you replied to my email?!". I told him we weren't going out anymore so I'm under no obligation to reply every single day, and he started shouting at me to "state my case" again. Eventually a friend pulled him off and I got out of there quickly.

He text me afterwards saying he was sorry but it was my fault. I replied telling him to **** off, to which he said that I still hadn't given him a reason to why I broke up with him (I have told him several times!) and to stop making him out to be a rapist (I don't know what that was about!). I ignored the texts.
This morning he text me saying Sorry but he couldn't remember what happened and that he was really drunk. I didn't reply, and ten mins later he text me again, being bitter about the fact that I was out where he worked. I haven't replied.

I know I shouldn't be going out where he works, but to be honest, it's pretty hard convincing some of my friends otherwise, as that's just where they go out. And after the time I said hi to him there and he was okay with it, I didn't really think it was an issue anymore.

One of the reasons for the breakdown of our relationship was him getting very drunk and accusing me of cheating and looking at other guys and basically being ridiculously nasty and insecure when he was drunk.

Speaking of which, I just got another text off him saying that he isn't comfortable seeing me and that we must agree that I stay away from where he works.

I don't plan on going back there again after last night anyway, but this constant trying to get in contact me and freaking out when I don't is just really frustrating and upsetting. I'm trying to be nice to him, but it's just so hard when he acts like that. I've got 6 texts since 2 o clock this morning and I'm scared that they'll keep coming.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I just want to get it off my chest.

maria34

hey,

i know what u feel because i have been through this.

he has no right to tell u where u can go and what u have to do. thats his way of controlling u (still). u just stand up and tell him, that its none of his business and if he doesnt stop contact guards and see what u can do.

if u keep away from that place it only shows he has control over u and he may get even worse.

well done for breaking up with him :-)

CommanderC

You can go where you like !!!

Ignore all texts, calls and emails.

Do not engage with him if you see him out.

If he touches you again call the guards straight away.

He is the one with the problem, not you.

LegacyUser

Well first things first - are you with a phone provider that allows you to block his number? Cos I'd look into that pronto. You wouldn't be half as stressed if you couldn't get texts off him.

Ditto block his email address, and drop his FB (presuming he has one).

You have to try to put up a physical barrier to him harrassing you. Yes, stop going to the pub - if your friends protest, then tell them how bad it gets and if they have any feelings for you they'll go somewhere else. But you also have to stop the emails and texts, so find out how to do that today.

Hannibal Smith

Don't reply...just delete and ignore...block his email...if you have a smart phone block his number...if any of your friends meet him tell hem to say yiuve changed your number. he is never going to tell you anything new that you'll want to hear/read...so block every place you can.

If you want to go to the pub where he works, go. its completely understandable if you don't, but don't miss out on a night with your friends because they've picked the place he works.

Good luck!

P. Breathnach

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

...
If you want to go to the pub where he works, go. its completely understandable if you don't, but don't miss out on a night with your friends because they've picked the place he works...

And if he bothers you there, whichever side of the bar he is on at the time, it is a matter for the management of the pub to address. He might be putting his job at risk.

cantdecide

As above, you have to be cruel to be kind. He's not over the break-up. Far from it. But you are not his keeper. Take steps to purge him from your life and give him no reason to believe you have any interest in engaging with him. That's the only way he will come to realise that what you shared exists only in the past. Go where you want to. Do what you want to. Ignore him if you see him IRL and if he confronts you, stonewall him. Just be careful that he doesn't escalate things.

Catphish

Censorsh!t wrote: »

I'm not gonna bother going unreg as nobody knows me here.

Me and my ex broke up 6 months ago. It was a reaaally bad breakup, him trying to guilt me into staying with him, which dragged it out a lot longer than necessary. He said some very nasty things to me, and I never forgot them. He went through phases of saying sorry, and then suddenly snapping back to telling me what a bitch I was.
I tried to keep calm during the whole thing, telling him I was sorry and that I just didn't feel the same way about him, and therefore it was not right to go on just because he wanted to.

This is classic abusive behaviour, coupled with what you said about him believing you were cheating while with him. Please recognize that this is his insecurity, his paranoia, and above all, him trying to manipulate you back into an abusive relationship.

A few weeks ago my friend was home from London, and she wanted to go to the pub where he works, cause, well, it's kind of the place where everybody goes. I didn't want to, but I agreed eventually and presumed it wouldn't be a huge deal, and if I saw him I would say hi. I didn't see him, so presumed he wasn't working. The next morning he emailed me saying it was very offensive and disrepesctful of me to go there. We exchanged a few emails,, I said sorry, he eventually said that it was okay for me to go there, and he overreacted. So it seemed we were on good enough terms then, he sent me some light hearted emails about how he was and stuff, and I replied (friendly, but a bit clinical I guess) once or twice. I didn't want to be emailing him everyday, as that's just weird and I wanted to keep my distance.

You have every right to go where you want. I personally wouldn't have because I'd want to keep my distance from someone like that, but by rights, you can go where you please. You don't have to be sorry for that, and him making you feel that way is yet another point on his card.

Last week I saw him in the pub and I said hi and he waved back and smiled and that was that. Last night however, I was there again (I knew he wasn't going to be working) and just as I was leaving he came up to me extremely drunk and started telling me to "state my case", telling me i had done "everything wrong", despite me trying to be friendly. I then told him I had to go, and he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go, so I told him to **** off, to which he shouted "Why haven't you replied to my email?!". I told him we weren't going out anymore so I'm under no obligation to reply every single day, and he started shouting at me to "state my case" again. Eventually a friend pulled him off and I got out of there quickly.

Control, control, control. You do realise that this guy sees you as his property, right? People like him think you owe them an explanation, and have a "how dare you leave me" attitude.

He text me afterwards saying he was sorry but it was my fault. I replied telling him to **** off, to which he said that I still hadn't given him a reason to why I broke up with him (I have told him several times!) and to stop making him out to be a rapist (I don't know what that was about!). I ignored the texts.

Fake apology, pin the blame on you. Abuse, apologise, suck you back in, rinse and repeat. Classic pattern behaviour of an abuser.

This morning he text me saying Sorry but he couldn't remember what happened and that he was really drunk.

"I don't remember, it was the drinks fault, it wasn't really me saying all that..."

I didn't reply, and ten mins later he text me again, being bitter about the fact that I was out where he worked. I haven't replied.

He was pissed off he wasn't working that night because he missed a chance keeping his beady eye on you.

I know I shouldn't be going out where he works, but to be honest, it's pretty hard convincing some of my friends otherwise, as that's just where they go out. And after the time I said hi to him there and he was okay with it, I didn't really think it was an issue anymore.

It will always be an issue with him. I understand that it's hard for you because all of your friends want to go to this pub. Stop saying you shouldn't be in this pub though. You otherwise keep your distance from him. My advice to you would be to keep going to this pub to socialise with your friends, because breaking up with a guy isn't a crime. It is important however, that you cut any other contact with him, either by email, text or whatever. You're only feeding him by giving him any attention. He is still clinging onto this psychotic notion that you'll be together again, and he sees any contact with you as something to cling onto.

Speaking of which, I just got another text off him saying that he isn't comfortable seeing me and that we must agree that I stay away from where he works.

Don't reply. You shouldn't have to, he cannot ban you from where he works. Go back there as you normally would with your friends, and if he comes near you go straight to a bouncer or whoever runs the place and tell them that you've just come in for a few drinks but one of their staff is causing a scene. His boss won't stand for his antics, so once warned he better heed it. There are plenty of people to replace him in that job. It's his own choice whether he wants to keep it or not.

I don't plan on going back there again after last night anyway, but this constant trying to get in contact me and freaking out when I don't is just really frustrating and upsetting. I'm trying to be nice to him, but it's just so hard when he acts like that. I've got 6 texts since 2 o clock this morning and I'm scared that they'll keep coming.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I just want to get it off my chest.

STOP REPLYING. Block his email. If your phone will allow it, block the number. If it doesn't get a new one. I know it is a load of hassle changing your number and having to get it out to people you want to be in contact with, but it has to be done. Get this arse hole off your back for once and for all.

Cut him off, stop the control he has over you.

Lenmeister

Take in everything that's been posted here. Sounds like he has some serious issues. Ignorance is bliss in your case. Don't respond to anything he sends you, don't even read any of it. Block him in any way you can. Don't feel scared go to a place you like because he might be there. It's your life and people can't tell you where to go.

Censorsh!t

Thank you everyone for replying. It made me feel a lot better. And it's made me realise that if I ever come across such behaviour again, to get out quicker!

I got two more "sorry" emails today, but I just replied saying that I was cutting contact, and am now going to block his email, and if he tries texting me, I will change my number.

ABajaninCork

I'd block both e-mail & telephone numbers now. Don't even bother to reply....

Lenmeister

Email, phone, texts, facebook, msn, skype, all of that doesn't even go to the recycle bin, it gets totally deleted.

Catphish

Censorsh!t wrote: »

Thank you everyone for replying. It made me feel a lot better. And it's made me realise that if I ever come across such behaviour again, to get out quicker!

I got two more "sorry" emails today, but I just replied saying that I was cutting contact, and am now going to block his email, and if he tries texting me, I will change my number.

As the others have said, just do all of the above now. If you block his e-mails he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that will leave it there. His behaviour is quite obsessive, and you're only prolonging things by not cutting him off completely. If you ignore his texts then it will turn into drunken deranged calls. If you genuinely want this head wreck out of your life then you need to commit to cutting him out.

You should also take a moment to realise how lucky you are to get away from a guy like this. A lot of people that suffer this kind of abuse spend most of their lives stuck in this rut before they get out, then there are the ones that never do. Stay strong and determined Censorsh!t.

IrishEyes19

stop being nice to him. this guy is manipulative. he fights with you because he wants a reaction and when he gets one, he goes all nice, trying to drag up your past relationship. do avoid where he is. you cant get free of people like this if you keep going where they might be or have been. change your number, block his. he's a manipulative control freak and to be honest sounds dangerous. protect yourself. if your friends want to go where he works. Let them, but put a stop to this before something terrible does happen.

Ms. Pingui

He sounds a lot like my ex.
Cut all contact NOW! Block him from everything and do not reply to anything he sends you. You never get any peace if you show him any attention.

kylith

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will go where you like, and that if he doesn't like it then he can remove himself. If he ever lays a hand on you again tell him in a loud and clear voice to let go of you, or you will call the gardaí. Remain as calm and composed as possible. Don't try not to make a scene; let the whole pub see what kind of person he is. Bullies like that want to keep their true natures hidden from the public, so they rely on their victims to want to keep quiet and not cause a fuss.