He's got a girl...

LegacyUser

OK. So I really like this guy. The problem is, he has a girlfriend.

I have known him for five years. Always got on really well. Initially there were hints he liked me but I wasn't particularly in to him at that point. So I moved to the same city as him last year and since then we've been way more in touch. We message a lot and have great in depth conversations when we meet about our feelings, etc. And we do loads of fun things together.

So I was thinking something might be developing here. Then he mentioned his girlfriend of about 6 months in passing conversation. I didn't let on that I was shocked. After that he was a little awkward with me but I played the friend card big time. Our relationship has always been very friend-y, as he is a mate of my brothers and a bit younger, but I've picked up signs that he fancies me.

But who knows? I suppose that I just need to be told to cop on and leave him alone! It's just I don't get these feelings lightly and I think we could be right long term. We tend to get pretty messy together, so we'll probably be doing that tonight! His girlf is long distance. I have met her and she is lovely but I just think we have something special and I can't wait around forever! Obviously I'm not going to try to poach him, or lob the gob. I would like him to know I like him without being too obvious about it! Is that the right thing to do even in this situation? Any advice?

CaraMay

What go you mean you get messy together?

You really do need to cop on a leave him alone. If he does like you and is anyway decent he will finish with his gf. If not, and he pursues you then he is only a cheat and a player.

Oryx

I just need to be told to cop on and leave him alone!

This.

Until he is single, you can't have him. And if he isn't single and asking you out, then he likes things just how they are, ie, friends. If he wanted you as a girlfriend, I reckon you would be.

The messy thing has to stop though, because it's leading you on and wrecking your head, and if it developed into something physical do you really want to be his 'other woman fcukbuddy'?

Stavro Mueller

Bear in mind through all of this that you are seeing things from your perspective. You like this guy and you think you'd be great together. There is just one big stumbling block, apart from him already having a girlfriend. He has never asked you out. If he liked you enough, the girlfriend would've been in the past by now.

LegacyUser

I've just come out of an affair where I ended up as the 'other woman'. Leave the attached alone, it can only end in hurt. I speak from experience. Good luck

DeltaWhite

I've heard so many stories exactly like this. I wouldnt get involved any further because I would always have in the back of my mind "he could do the same to me"

Not only that but the girl he's with doesn't deserve this carry on happening behind her back. He's not available so I would move on.

P. Breathnach

It's wrong to get involved with somebody who is in a relationship.

On the other hand, do you know how committed he is to this girl? You could signal your interest fairly strongly by saying something along the lines of "if you weren't involved with somebody, I'd be making a play for you because ...".

Ball in his court. Do nothing else. Avoid spending time with him. Let him think about things and decide what way he wants to jump.

The Big Red Button

I think that the way you're thinking is shocking.

Like his six months with his girlfriend is nothing, just something that could be casually tossed to the side.

It seems to me that, while you say you're not aiming to 'lob the gob' tonight, it could quite easily happen - and you'd be quite happy with that, as it would accelerate your own agenda.

Have some self-respect. Seriously.

If he's in a happy relationship - back off. Leave him alone. And don't create situations where you get 'messy' with him.

If you believe his relationship isn't going well - back off even further. If the relationship ends, give it some time, and then maybe consider a potential relationship with him.

Not now.

ted1

Go for it if its meant to be, it's meant to be. A girlfriend isn't a wife. Better you find out now if your meant to be together than further down the line

ElleEm

ted1 wrote: »

Go for it if its meant to be, it's meant to be. A girlfriend isn't a wife. Better you find out now if your meant to be together than further down the line

Why? If he actually wants to be with her, and shows "signs of fancying her" then he will dump his current girlfriend so that he can get with the OP.

OP, it is really shocking that you are even entertaining the idea of entering into ANYTHING with this guy. He is (and should be!) out of bounds while he is in a relationship. Surely you would not want to get with a guy who doesn't value or respect being in a relationship. What's to say if he cheated on his girlfriend with you, that he wouldn't cheat on you with someone else?!

You have known this guy for five years yet NOW is the time that you want to tell him? You've been in the same city for a year- what stopped you when he was single? Leave it be. He is unavailable.

notapoacher

notapoacher wrote: »

I played the friend card big time.

I suppose that I just need to be told to cop on and leave him alone! It's just I don't get these feelings lightly and I think we could be right long term.

We tend to get pretty messy together, so we'll probably be doing that tonight!

His girlf is long distance. I have met her and she is lovely but I just think we have something special and I can't wait around forever! Obviously I'm not going to try to poach him, or lob the gob.

Firstly, a lot of what you're saying sounds extremely manipulative.

Secondly, you clearly are trying to "poach" him.

Thirdly, everyone's excuse when they start trying to get with someone who's taken is "but I really like him"/"I think we could be long term"/"I don't get these feelings lightly". It's a cliché. And it certainly doesn't take away from the fact that it's wrong.

Lastly, you need to realise the vast amount of disrespect you're showing for his girlfriend.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

Think of how you'd feel if you were his girlfriend and you heard one of your boyfriend's female friends was sniffing around him. Because that's what you're doing, sniffing around a guy you have no right to be doing so with.

You can't have him. Forget it and move on.

LegacyUser

I know the pain of falling in love with someone you think is the one but you can't have them and I know how hard it is to try and get over someone you see regularly so I'm not going to be like others here and judge you. At the end of the day this man has a girlfriend and until that relationship ends its wrong to interfere. You could end up hurting the other woman or hurting yourself by loosing a friend if his feelings for you ain't the same. Also do you really want to start a relationship by breaking up another. My advise is to give yourself some space from this lad and give your feelings a chance to die down.

Idle Passerby

So in a nutshell your saying you fancy a guy, he has a girlfriend, but you want to tell him you fancy him. Why? If he left this girl to be with you he would just be showing he's fickle with his affections and unreliable, why would you want to be with someone like that? You'd also be starting a relationship in a very messy way, with other people hurt and probably a wider circle of friends thinking badly of the two of you.

Your getting way ahead of yourself. You like a guy. that doesnt mean he likes you back, it doesnt mean you'd be good together, it doesnt mean you have more of a right to him than his girlfriend who I assume also likes him.

Also I think the fact that he told you he is with someone shows that he can see you fancy him and he's making sure you know he's out of bounds. Have some respect for yourself and dont go chasing a guy who isn't interested.

WittyKitty1

He's got a girl- you've answered your own question. You need to back right off. You are being completely inappropriate.
If he liked you they way you think he might then you two would have been together before now.

Accept that you are his friend and nothing more right now. If you were to tell him how you feel you run the risk of ruining your friendship with him but also ruining a relationship that could go somewhere between him and his girlfriend.

Sounds to me that you're a bit jealous that your best friend has another girl to give his attention to and hang out with. You had 5 years to express your feelings to him. Don't start acting like it's now or never because you had plenty of chances. Leave him to enjoy his relationship and find one of your own.

neveah

Idle Passerby wrote: »

So in a nutshell your saying you fancy a guy, he has a girlfriend, but you want to tell him you fancy him. Why? If he left this girl to be with you he would just be showing he's fickle with his affections and unreliable, why would you want to be with someone like that? You'd also be starting a relationship in a very messy way, with other people hurt and probably a wider circle of friends thinking badly of the two of you.

Your getting way ahead of yourself. You like a guy. that doesnt mean he likes you back, it doesnt mean you'd be good together, it doesnt mean you have more of a right to him than his girlfriend who I assume also likes him.

Also I think the fact that he told you he is with someone shows that he can see you fancy him and he's making sure you know he's out of bounds. Have some respect for yourself and dont go chasing a guy who isn't interested.

I totally disagree with the conclusion you've come to hightlighted in bold, this guy is going out with a girl for 6 months. That's a very short term relationship in the scheme of things, if he decided his feelings for his friend were reciprocated then I would not automatically assume that he is fickle with his affections and unreliable if he decided to break off his current relationship. He's only with the girl for the last 6 months, hardly marriage bound or long term serious relationship.

OP I'm not encouraging you to pursue a guy with a girlfriend but I can understand how a situation like this can arise. You aren't the first to fall for someone in a relationship and you certaintly won't be the last. I think you need to be very sure of your own feelings before you do anything. It's a big risk to tell him how you feel. At the end of the day you could be opening a massive can of worms, what if he doesn't feel the same? Will this affect your friendship? What about any potential friendship with his girlfriend if they stayed together? Is this a case of you want what you can't have? Would the novelty wear off if you 'got him'? What do you really hope to achieve? How will you handle it if he doesn't feel the same?

I get that not all situations are black and white. Maybe you two are supposed to be together, maybe you are not. Is it worth taking the chance? Do you want to fulfill your own needs and wants at the expense of someone else? Ideally this current relationship would just run it's course and then if you and him are meant to be, you will be.

I agree with one of the previous posters who said she's a girlfriend of a few months, not a wife. Come clean with your feelings if you want but be prepared that you might not get the desired result. Think carefully about what you really want to achieve.

LegacyUser

If he was married or engaged I would say don't do it. People decide they like somebody else better and break up all the time. I don't know why people are advising you to think of his girlfriend's feelings she isn't a friend of yours. Also why should she be the 'other woman' if she is asking him to be with her and break up with his girlfriend? Your only consideration here is whether you can stand to lose his friendship if he doesn't reciprocate the feelings?

CaraMay

As long as she doesn't become his mistress when she is waiting for him to decide. It does also show a very fickle side to him.

Stavro Mueller

Does it matter whether this guy's going out with his girlfriend for 6 months or 6 years? The point remains the same - he is going out with this girl, not our OP. She never came back to clarify what "messy" means so we can only guess at what that entails. There's nothing to stop her telling him that she fancies him but she does run the risk of having egg on her face. (1) Because he might actually have stronger feelings for his girlfriend than the OP thinks and (2) He doesn't think of her in that way.

LegacyUser

Don't go there OP.
I was in a similar situation where I was friendly with a girl who had a boyfriend (I'm female). She was always lamenting that she felt her OH was going to break up with her, didn't love her etc.
When I met him, sparks flew. We had loads in common. One night we were all out and she got in a strop with him and left with her friends. I was talking to him and he was saying he didn't love her anymore but was afraid of hurting her if he broke up with her. She wanted to get engaged and start a family but he didn't want the same, his family loved her. Said he wanted to be single, had more in common with me than her, hadn't realised what he was missing until he met me, was going to break up with her etc etc.....

We ended up kissing and then went home together and slept together.
We agreed that we would say nothing but a few weeks later we were out as a group and he was being a total b*stard to me, making sneaky digs at me etc.
I left early and sent him a text basically saying what a b*stard he was being and he was never to contact me again and also made references to the fact that I had really liked him and that I couldn't believe he was being so cold to me.

Well his girlfriend read the text and went ape sh*t naturally enough. I just shut the whole thing down, wouldn't pick up her calls so she sent me a text which was all about me being such a desparate cow and to get my own boyfriend and stop trying to get hers. The gist of it was that he told her I had come on to him and my text gave her no reason to believe anything had actually happened.
I just text back, said I was sorry, what had happened was wrong and I had been mislead by him but that I wouldn't contact them again and I'd appreciate if they didn't contact me. Cue another abusive text from her but that was it.

However, I was the one who got the blame totally and utterly. I'm not saying I wasn't deserving of the wrath of this girl, but I lost a lot of friends and even now I still get glares and looks when I'm out and run into any of them.
I've no idea what he said happened but I doubt it was the truth. He is still with her as far as I know (we're talking 2 or 3 years later here!) and I bump into them now and then but we all just avoid each other.

The long and the short of it is OP, I feel like complete sh*t over what happened. I lost a lot more than he did and I shouldered all of the blame. I would NEVER go near anyone who is still entwined with someone else, no matter what type of crap they feed me about not being in love etc.
It's just not worth it. Plenty of single men out there.

strobe

cymbaline wrote: »

Does it matter whether this guy's going out with his girlfriend for 6 months or 6 years? The point remains the same - he is going out with this girl, not our OP. She never came back to clarify what "messy" means so we can only guess at what that entails. There's nothing to stop her telling him that she fancies him but she does run the risk of having egg on her face. (1) Because he might actually have stronger feelings for his girlfriend than the OP thinks and (2) He doesn't think of her in that way.

'getting messy together' just means getting drunk together.

I think it 'could' make a difference how long the guy is with the other girl... just from the perspective that a relationship that's only 6 months long 'could' just be a more casual kind of thing, as far as he or his gf are concerned, whereas if it was a four year relationship there's not much chance of that.

I'd echo what people say in that whether it's a casual relationship or they are fully committed soul mate shouldn't make a difference in regards to cheating with the guy on the other girl. Cheating's messed up, full stop, whether you're the one in the relationship or 'just' the other person.
So don't 'lob the gob' OP. You say you have no plan to but it's very clear from your post that you would probably do that and possibly more if you thought he'd reciprocate. Regardless of what kind of a relationship he has with his current gf, that would be really really scummy.

I'd recommend examining yourself whether you really do think like you say, that you two are perfect for each other etc, and that it isn't just an infatuation or something related to the fact he is attached now that is making you want him. It happens. And often the person doesn't realise themselves that that is the case.

If you are certain that he does mean as much to you as you think he does and a relationship between the two of you realistically could be a perfect match, both for you AND for HIM... then maybe broach the subject with him of how he feels about his relationship with his gf. Does he view it as a casual thing or is he in love with her and sees a future in it?

If it's the latter back the **** off completely. You'll just wreck his head and your own. You missed your shot. These things happen. You'll meet someone else. Don't do anything to mess with him and his gf's happiness. You'll ultimately live to regret it and so will he and so will she.

If it's the former, I'd say take your shot. Let him know, as someone else suggested, that if he was single you'd snap him up (you should be able to put that so that it makes it clear you're interested but without being over the top). If he's as interested in you as you say you are in him, then he'll let you know and finish the casual thing and make a move for you.
If he's not, he won't.
Sucks, but at least you'll know and can move on and meet someone else.

Catphish

notapoacher wrote: »

OK. So I really like this guy. The problem is, he has a girlfriend.

I have known him for five years. Always got on really well. Initially there were hints he liked me but I wasn't particularly in to him at that point. So I moved to the same city as him last year and since then we've been way more in touch. We message a lot and have great in depth conversations when we meet about our feelings, etc. And we do loads of fun things together.

So I was thinking something might be developing here. Then he mentioned his girlfriend of about 6 months in passing conversation. I didn't let on that I was shocked. After that he was a little awkward with me but I played the friend card big time. Our relationship has always been very friend-y, as he is a mate of my brothers and a bit younger, but I've picked up signs that he fancies me.

But who knows? I suppose that I just need to be told to cop on and leave him alone! It's just I don't get these feelings lightly and I think we could be right long term. We tend to get pretty messy together, so we'll probably be doing that tonight! His girlf is long distance. I have met her and she is lovely but I just think we have something special and I can't wait around forever! Obviously I'm not going to try to poach him, or lob the gob. I would like him to know I like him without being too obvious about it! Is that the right thing to do even in this situation? Any advice?

What if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was you that was in a long distance relationship with a guy, and unknown to you there is some other girl scheming to break you up and steal your guy from you.

There is your answer.

Katgurl

I disagree with the vast majority here oP

I think you should test the waters. No problem getting a little flirty while saying something like "I was surprised when you said you'd a girlfriend, I actually think I was a little jealous..." and gauging his reaction.

If youre getting green light, ask him how serious it is with her and is he interested in you, is he prepared to break up with her.

Don't let it go beyond a brief kiss even if you have to tear yourself away.

Then leave it to him to do the decent thing and end it with her before you kick anything off.

To the previous poster who says she's been in your shoes I think that is an entirely different situation. The OP isn't friends with the girlfriend or even know much about her. In that situation you betrayed your own friend, flirted outright with her boyfriend (he's as much to blame but there was the pair of you in it) and then the same night she went home crying you went home and slept with him? I am not surprised you lost friends. The OP hasn't suggested anything like that.

OP, I actually hope this works out one way or another. Please be careful to not get entangled in any messy situations ie don't agree to anything silly like sleepin with him while he postpones his breakup. Also if he doesn't respond to you flirting just laugh it off as silly drunk talk - then you can still maintain the friendship hopefully.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

To the previous poster who says she's been in your shoes I think that is an entirely different situation. The OP isn't friends with the girlfriend or even know much about her. In that situation you betrayed your own friend, flirted outright with her boyfriend (he's as much to blame but there was the pair of you in it) and then the same night she went home crying you went home and slept with him? I am not surprised you lost friends. The OP hasn't suggested anything like that.

I'm that poster and I think you'll find that I said I was friendLY with the girl. She was actually a friend of a friend as opposed to my friend.
She didn't go home crying the night I was with him either nor did I flirt with him outright. We had met a number of times before anything happened and always got on very well. Until the night something happened I had never even considered being with him but every time we were out with that couple, they argued and she would belittle him and if he went off annoyed she would then launch into a drunken tirade about how he didn't love her and was going to break up with her. When he was saying the same thing that night I had no reason to think their relationship wasn't about to end. As for the night it happened I said she went home in a strop, not in tears. In fact she was a right cow to him.

I lost one good friend (not the girlfriend and not because she wouldn't speak to me but because she was close to that girl and her friends and it got awkward for us to hang out) and a few people I was friendly with but not friends as such.

My point to the OP was not about the circumstances but more about how someone can get sucked in to lies and promises. It was also about how it always tends to be the "third party" who gets ostracised. The person in the relationship has links and if they cheat and then are staying with the partner, it's always the person they cheated with who is cut loose and loses the most.
The guy who cheated on his girlfriend is still at the heart of that social circle whereas I was cut out of it. That is the reality of getting into the situation that the OP is proposing.

You are telling her to come on to the guy and even to kiss him. If she does this and the girlfriend finds out, and he chooses to stay with the girlfriend, she will lose this guy as a friend. Their mutual friends will have to basically take sides as the guy and the OP won't be able to hang out together anymore. She is risking a lot.

You can judge me all you want but the fact stands that the OP probably stands to lose more than she will gain. It's a risk and if she takes it (as I did) she has to be prepared that it could all go horribly wrong.

kat.mac

OP, this would be a terrible situation to get yourself involved in.

If you want to tell him how you feel, IMHO you should be upfront and straightforward about it (as opposed to continuing with the 'messy' nights out - that will only end badly).

If you do that though, prepare for possible rejection. It kinda sounds to me like you might be good company while his gf is far away - as another poster said, these nights out are kinda leading you on!

Katgurl

@dontgothere I said she should cautiously test the water and if it looks promising she should find out how his current relationship stands and not let it go beyond a kiss. Then nothing else should happen unless he finishes with his current girlfriend.

I wasn't judging you, I was stating my opinion that the scenario you have described is entirely different. The OP is not entangled in his social circle, she doesn't know his girlfriend. If his girlfriend knew the intentions she had then I'm sure she wouldn't be op's biggest fan but they have no relationship at all right now.

The dynamic and consequences you have described are not comparable. Of course the mutual friend dropped you, she probably feels responsible for even introducing you. You also said that the girlfriend was talking about her concerns of being dumped which suggested she was confiding even if you were only there as part of a group. You said sparks flew with the boyfriend when you met, you could have avoided this and him if you were concerned with maintaining group relations. The girlfriend went home in a strop and you went home with her boyfriend that same night, this has no similarity to what the op is suggesting

My point is actions have consequences. You made your decisions and then seem surprised by the consequences.

The Op came looking for advice, I've given my opinion that she should go for it. This would also have consequences but I don't believe they would be anything like what you've described (being ostracised) because I don't think the circumstances are remotely similar.

RossFixxxed

Just as a cororllary: If someone cheats on their gf with you, or ditches them for you, they will often do the same when you are together. See it numerous times.

Also: 'notapoacher' clearly poaching!

Neyite

You know, historically in PI, we have had threads where one partner wants to get married and the other is dragging their heels, and the majority of responses are along the lines of "its a bit of paper" "actions speak louder than words" "if he/she is with you they are committed to you" "buying a house/living together is more of a commitment etc etc.

Yet, when you have someone being a potential other woman/man, the replies that its "only" a girlfriend, or that "if they were married/engaged, then no, but otherwise fair game" and its baffling.

I'm not married, but if my boyfriend cheated, the devastation would be no less just because I don't have a ring on my finger. We are a family. We were a family long before we had our child, and were committed to each other from the very start. So to say he only has a girlfriend is basically saying that she is inferior in your eyes and its ok for him to discard her. But then you place yourself in the very disposable role of girlfriend, don't you?

And convincing yourself that this could be the One is exactly that - you do this to justify the cheating. Well, we couldn't help ourselves, we were destined to be soulmates. We didn't want to hurt anyone but had to be together. Its a way of minimising the betrayal of the loyal partner. To make the cheater feel better about what they did. Its all part of the script I'm afraid.

I think that in this case, you reap what you sow. If he cheats with you, expect him to cheat on you. He may even have double standards in that he will never fully trust you in a relationship because he knows you made advances on someone who was attached. (yes, I know, I know. but people have a way of minimising their misdeeds, remembering other peoples failings and its not unheard of)

Dont be that girl, OP. Tell him that you like him, and therefore will be avoiding contact, because its inappropriate given that he is in a relationship. Stay away. If his relationship is unsteady, and he wants to be with you, then he can do the right thing, make a clean break and come to you as a single person. That way he sees that you are to be respected, and are respectful of others.

LegacyUser

I think there has already been some excellent advice given op in particular by Chatterpillar and Neyite, and I also think that the poster called don't go there has been brave to tell her story and also offered you some great advice.

I don't agree with your advice Katgurl. Whether you intend it or not you do come across as judging "don't go there" in a very bad light (which is fair enough, she recognises it was a wrong thing to do), but for you then to turn around and advise the op to flirt with and possibly give this guy a brief kiss seems very hypocritical to me.

The only difference you seem to be giving is that the op doesn't know his girlfriend. (she has met her before and said she is a nice person)

So what, because she is not friends with the girlfriend that makes it perfectly ok to just go for it, flirt and maybe even kiss the guy?
It's very wrong to hurt a friend, but it's perfectly acceptable to not give a feck about another persons girlfriend because you don't know her very well?

I completely disagree with that advice. It costs nothing to have some basic human decency whether you know the person or not.
I get that sometimes people make mistakes and end up doing something with somebody who is attached, but to actively seek out to break up a relationship by flirting or going for a kiss and not giving a toss for the girlfriend just cos you don't know her is incredibly selfish and horrible.

The consequences may not be being ostracised, but they will include being with a man who you could never really trust 100% if he cheated so easily with you, then what's to stop him cheating on you?

And another consequence would be the knowledge that you wilfully contributed to the heartbreak of another innocent person for your own selfish wants.

As others have said, maybe the best advice is to echo Neyite, just tell him you like him but cut contact then until he is single.

Queen-Mise

neveah wrote: »

I totally disagree with the conclusion you've come to hightlighted in bold, this guy is going out with a girl for 6 months. That's a very short term relationship in the scheme of things,

Every relationship was six days/weeks/months/years - if they last that long.

Just because relationship is relatively young at six months does not mean it is open season to poach a boyfriend.

Step back and have some respect.