Am I wrong to be annoyed?

Eden3

Ok so times are hard, and money is tight for some of us! I'm a divorced Mum, with two grown up sons, one working (not earning a lot, but good experience) but the other one not. I've raised my sons without any assistance from their father since they were 3 and 1 years of age, he is lost somewhere in USA. I still keep contact with his family here. Anyway, I've always worked, and thru the years I've arranged my working hours around the boys' school times, etc. Lately things are very hard. My wages seem to go nowhere! Mortgage always get paid, but I guess the boys' clothes, shoes, food expenses etc. rises as they've got older, but fuel, electricity, etc. has escalated!

Anyhow recently, I was in a very tight spot ... had a huge electricity bill to pay and really needed some help! I text my sister who is very well off and single. I've never asked her for help before and wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.

Her reply really made me feel bad. She said "No, and why don't I try to get a full-time job, and that my skills were excellent?"

I'd love to explain to her that I actually have about three FULL TIME JOBS (work, housework, kid-raising), but although we are not close sisters, I'm really sad that she would not help me without hesitation.....?

I think if situation was reversed, I wouldn't have hesitated!:mad:

Lucena

Eden3 wrote: »

She said "No, and why don't I try to get a full-time job, and that my skills were excellent?"

She refused, I don't understand why though. Don't get the skills bit.

Can you quote what she actually said as opposed to using reported speech?


Sounds selfish though, I wouldn't see any of my family in money trouble if I could help it.

Wibbs

I reckon better here E.

CaraMay

Well maybe she thinks you could work full time as you kids are getting older and that it is your choice not to (for whatever reason).

What goes it matter that your sister is single? You don't know what financial commitments she have do why assume, because she is single that she has spare cash floating around.

You seem to think that you are busier than her too with your comment on 3 full time jobs - maybe she works longer hours than you and still has to come home to do housework....

I do sympathize with your position but I have to work full time to cover my bills and hate the fact that my child goes to child minder. You choose yo be at home with your kids and work part time and have to live with the financial consequences of that.

The Big Red Button

I don't see why you're upset that your sister wouldn't pay your electricity bill? Whether as a gift or as a loan - you don't make it clear what you were asking her for. Either way, it's your responsibility, she doesn't owe it to you to step in with money when you need it.

And it's an electricity bill. It should be a foreseen expense - if it was unexpectedly high, why was this?

You say you have two grown-up sons, but if so, why are you still paying for their clothes, shoes and food expenses? Surely they should be covering these, as well as giving money towards fuel and electricity etc (assuming they're living in your house), even if they're living off benefits? Where else is their money going, that they can't cover their own basic living expenses?

How can you describe "kid-raising" as a full-time job, if your children are grown?

I'm close to my siblings, but even so, I would never just expect that they'd step in and cover my bills for me - no matter how well off I thought they were. A person's finances are their own business. Sure, if I was in a tight spot and asked for a loan, I'd certainly appreciate it - but I'd never ever expect it, nor would I have any hard feelings if it was refused.

padma

Maybe she's one of those who come on boards.ie and complains about people who can't make ends meet. Lazy, scroungers etc.. you know the type.. Either way she's your sister and must have known that for you to ask for a one off loan from her was a big thing. I would be initially annoyed, but then you have to sit down and now know the type of person your sister really is. So in a way it is a good thing.

How about saying to the son that you are struggling to pay the bills and maybe he needs to cough up a few quid towards his stay in your house. Either way, stay away from moneylenders. If things are difficult ring the electricity crowd and ask them to hold back a few weeks til you get things in order.

OP, if you have a working son living at home he should be paying his way, not your sister. And if the other one is at home with no job, he should be doing the housework to help out. You should certainly not be paying for clothes or shoes for them
I think it's time for you to review the situation to be honest, and forget about your sister. If she knows this situation, maybe she was the annoyed one.
I also don't understand the kid-raising, maybe you have more children you didn't mention? Maybe if not, you could get a full time job?

Teyla Emmagan

Given that you'd never asked her for help before, and her immediate reaction was 'no', I would be annoyed too, or at least a bit upset. It can be very hard to ask for money and by the sound of it you were in a tough spot. And to have someone come right back with criticism when you ask for help without giving your request much consideration (by the sound of it) is a bit of a kick as well. I only asked my own sister for help once with something that was massively important to me (no money involved) and I found it terribly hurtful when she said no.

judgefudge

You say you have 3 full time jobs, work, housework and kid raising. But your part time work isn't a full time job. Housework can rarely be considered full time work unless you have ten children. And your sons are grown up? So no real kid raising, unless they are incapable of looking after themselves...?

I do sympathise with you that you raised them alone and obviously haven't had it easy. Perhaps your sister should have been there for you considering you had never asked before. Does she understand your situation? Maybe she has her own financial worries you are not aware of. You say you're not close so maybe she felt like you were using her?

Meauldsegosha

You have two adults living with you, why can't they contribute to the electricity bill? Did you even ask them?

By the way housework is not a "full time job". Again this is something your sons should be helping with. Do you expect them to help out around the house?

You previously arranged your work around your children's school, well they are adults now so go back to full time employment if you can get it.

MissFlitworth

I think your sister has a very valid point about the full time job, huge electricity bills are recurring, it's not like you'll pay this one off and then never see a bill again. If you can't afford to support your expenses at your current income level then one off loans/gifts are just a plaster on a much larger problem. Maybe your sister is concerned that she'll end up getting stung for other bills down the line?

Oryx

If you are going to ask someone as a favour, thats what it is, a favour. And you have to be ready for whatever answer comes back. A favour is not a right, and you cannot expect the answer you want, hurtful as that may feel.

It is never nice to have to ask, and worse when you are turned down. It can feel as if you have been let down by your sister, but what is the point of being sore with her about it? She may not be the generous type (hence being single and wealthy!) or she may have financial issues you know nothing of. The point is if you ask, you have to accept being turned down, or else you aren't asking you're demanding.

woodchuck

I understand your disappointment that your sister wouldn't help you out. But you mentioned that you're not close... did you just contact her out of the blue to ask for money? If that's the case I wouldn't be impressed if I was your sister either to be honest.

As for the 3 full time jobs?
- Child raising: you said both your sons are adults? Not a job
- Work: It was implied in your post that you work part time, not full time?
- Housework: Not a job unless you live in a mansion and/or have lots of (young) children. Everyone manages to fit this around a full time job these days.

I think getting defensive with her was probably a mistake and she's unlikely to help you out in this situation now. If there is anyone else you could ask I'd do that, but ideally someone you're closer to and explain that it's a one off unexpected bill and you've never had a problem with bills etc before.

In the long run though:
- Are you looking for full time work?
- Are you sons contributing financially and/or with housework?
These are questions that I really think you should consider closely.

Stavro Mueller

Excuse this comment if I'm all wrong - I'm just throwing this idea out there. Because you were a single mum and went through so much to look after your sons, I wonder are you still in full "mammy" mode? Are you still cooking and cleaning and ironing for these grown men and fretting over them as if they were still boys? Your sister might be looking at this situation from that angle and wondering why aren't they contributing to the running of the household? She might also be thinking that it's time you stopped being a professional mother and started working full-time again.

Chronic Button

It sounds like your sister has good boundaries.

You sound more than a bit entitled, OP. Your kids are grown up, so you're not raising kids. Housework is not a full-time job. Most people work full-time and manage to do the housework and other chores, often while raising kids - what makes you so different? Your sister shouldn't feel obliged to help you out because she made different choices to you and is therefore better off. It would be nice if she did, but you can't expect it. Your attitude would rub me up the wrong way if I were her.

kneeler

Eden3 wrote: »

Anyhow recently, I was in a very tight spot ... had a huge electricity bill to pay and really needed some help! I text my sister who is very well off and single. I've never asked her for help before and wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.

:mad:

You texted yoru sister to ask for money? I would expect the least you would do is go and meet your sister and explain what the problem is. I personally wouldn't lend money to someone for a routine bill. It will in all likelihood only encourage them to get into more financial trouble.

The answer is yes, you are wrong to be annoyed.

mashedbanana

I feel sorry for the OP. She was in a tight spot (doesn't matter why really) and asked her sister to help her out. I assume she would have paid her back. She texted her maybe because she was too embarrassed to ask her face to face. (I know, I know, if it's worth getting, it's worth asking for). God love us, times are hard like, and it's always nice to pull someone out of a tight spot. Tis never a good idea to overly judge or analyses someone/situation, cos we never know when we might need help ourselves. Especially when it's a once off situation.

The Big Red Button

mashedbanana wrote: »

I feel sorry for the OP. She was in a tight spot (doesn't matter why really) and asked her sister to help her out. I assume she would have paid her back. She texted her maybe because she was too embarrassed to ask her face to face. (I know, I know, if it's worth getting, it's worth asking for). God love us, times are hard like, and it's always nice to pull someone out of a tight spot. Tis never a good idea to overly judge or analyses someone/situation, cos we never know when we might need help ourselves. Especially when it's a once off situation.

Oh, I've been in her situation before. I've had to ask family members for a loan, and I bloody hate doing it, and I'm working on setting up a savings account to avoid it ever happening again.

I'm lucky in that my family have always helped me out if I ever needed it. In fairness, the only times I've asked was, for example, when I needed money for a rental deposit when I was moving from home to Dublin for a new job (I had been living at home previously), and when I needed money to pay for emergency medical treatment for a serious eye problem (corneal ulcer - avoid at all costs - not fun!!) - these were once-off situations. I don't consider an electricity bill to be a once-off thing.

The thing is, though, regardless of the circumstances, if they had said no, I would have accepted it and I wouldn't have expected any apology or explanation. If anything, I'd have been the one apologising to them for putting them in an awkward position!!

I don't think that the problem here is that the person asked her sister for a loan. The problem is that she feels so upset that her sister said no, when she really has no right to be upset about it. And it seems to me that her sister was actually trying to help her - by telling her she has good skills, and encouraging her to get a full-time job - perhaps the OP should focus on this positive encouragement from her sister, rather than getting upset over the whole thing.

Catphish

Eden3 wrote: »

Ok so times are hard, and money is tight for some of us! I'm a divorced Mum, with two grown up sons, one working (not earning a lot, but good experience) but the other one not. I've raised my sons without any assistance from their father since they were 3 and 1 years of age, he is lost somewhere in USA. I still keep contact with his family here. Anyway, I've always worked, and thru the years I've arranged my working hours around the boys' school times, etc. Lately things are very hard. My wages seem to go nowhere! Mortgage always get paid, but I guess the boys' clothes, shoes, food expenses etc. rises as they've got older, but fuel, electricity, etc. has escalated!

Anyhow recently, I was in a very tight spot ... had a huge electricity bill to pay and really needed some help! I text my sister who is very well off and single. I've never asked her for help before and wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.

Her reply really made me feel bad. She said "No, and why don't I try to get a full-time job, and that my skills were excellent?"

I'd love to explain to her that I actually have about three FULL TIME JOBS (work, housework, kid-raising), but although we are not close sisters, I'm really sad that she would not help me without hesitation.....?

I think if situation was reversed, I wouldn't have hesitated!:mad:

While agree with the others that your sister has every right to refuse, I can also see things from your side of the fence. Firstly, you've been through a lot no doubt, divorce wise.

My feeling is that perhaps your ex husband worked full time in the past, while you could work part-time and be there for your sons in the afternoon after school. That is a guess of course. If I'm right, then when you divorced the goal posts moved and you're feeling the pinch not only because you're now living independently of your ex, but the country is in recession and we've all been hit very hard.

It must be a bit of a shock for you to accept this, but you are on your own for now. Those sons you brought up are grown men now, and you do need to talk to them about what they put into the house financially. People don't like change, and resist it at all costs, but for you it is important that you do change your outlook on your situation. If you've two grown up sons I don't imagine it's nice being told that you should go out to work full time after all the love and attention you've given those boys, as well as adding money to the pot when you could. But, things have changed Eden. Its a horrible reality to have to face, but it is what it is.

It's not the best of times to be applying for jobs, but I think that you should look for something full time. It will help you with those big bills and it might help you blitz your mortgage I know you're angry with your sister, but by your own admission, you're not very close to her. It probably came a bit out of the blue, and perhaps if you'd a better relationship with her she might haven given it to you purely as a loan. I'm just speculating of course, but try to see it from her angle. If she doesn't really hear from you that often, then you pop up out of the blue looking for money..

Another thing to consider is, if you're on a low wage you may have some entitlements, so a visit to citizens advice might be a good idea.

Change happens to all of us Eden, we don't always like it, but we have adjust when it happens in order to stay afloat. You've been used to a certain way of life for a long time, but the reality of it is that we've all had to change in some way shape or form.

I hope things pick up for you, best of luck.

sherbett32

just to try to present this from your sister;s point of view op. I work a 10 hour day & i'm doing a (2nd) masters. I earn good money.

2 of my sisters were full time mums, kids in their 20s now, I'm not asked too much for loans (but have paid bills not loans)but pick up the bill when out forndinner, pay for our mothers medical bills.

So Iwhile I'm doing ok I work hard for it, my sisters choose not to work. there is a part of me now saying if you want the benefits of full time work why don't you do it?

Scruffles

am aware the OP has now closed the account,but if the question is genuine, am thinking a few things......

what about pet sitting at home depending on knowledge of the animals and the children [noise,how they treat animals].

if are any good at skills such as crafts/art,pottery,sewing and knitting,why not use that ability to have a store on ebay or else where,making items such as jewellery,clothing, baby clothing,baby blankets,custom shoulder bags/hand bags/man bags etc,teddy bears, cups,plates,cards for all ocasions and so on,use the spare time have got to make things and get paid for it! this is what a lot of people do who are unable to work in a normal job situation and/or environment.

pet sitting is probably the cheapest of all those to set up assuming have not got to pay for business insurance,making cards can be very cheap if have got creativity to work with it, but fabrics is prety expensive stuff even if buy off cuts as the sister is a stay at home mum with one baby and one two year old and she does most of those hobbies when she can afford them and has the time.

parenting isnt a job or a full time job,kids shoud never be viewed like a chore,it is a challenge for parents to have a child,especialy if they have another,and even more so if they have another not long after their first,but they chose to take on the challenge so parents cannot complain in a matter of speaking.
however,there are many support groups out there that are for parents,especialy single mums and if are feeling stressed it may be a benefit to speak to them and get some ideas from people in the same circumstances.

Neyite

As the OP has closed their account, and no longer wish to participate in their PI, I'm closing this thread.