Erectile dysfunction?

LegacyUser

I need help.

I'm 25 years old (male) and I've had sex twice in my life. Once with an 'escort' when I was 22, then a one night stand a year later.

Until recently, I had major body image issues, but have since lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better about myself generally.

However, I recently 'hooked up' with a girl I know through association. Basically we met up earlier today for coffee and we went back to her place. She is a very sexual person and she basically expected me to 'ravish' her. The pressure to perform and the general nervousness I felt (which I had concealed quite successfully up to this) completely shattered me. I managed an erection for a few minutes, was inside her, and then it went away. A few minutes later I ejaculated by trying to 'rev' myself (manually) up. I managed to ejaculate without an erection, which hitherto I thought to be impossible!

She was disgusted by this, and basically said to me 'what sort of man doesn't know how to ****?' The encounter ended in disarray, and I promptly left. There is going to be nasty gossip after this.

I have been emotionally shattered by this entire experience.

I know people will judge me for losing my virginity to an 'escort', but I'd love to know how many of you have went completely without sexual contact or intimacy until the age of 22. I was desperate, and on the verge of insanity. On that occasion I only technically had sex with her for 30 seconds as the same thing happened, I lost my erection when inside her.

The one night stand - I was too drunk to remember anything. But I've a feeling she left very disappointed because I only managed an erection for a brief time.

I'm think there are two different explanations.

1) I'm incapable of unemotional sex. I've never had a girlfriend (not for lack of trying - I'm just an unlucky sort) so the previous occasions didn't work for me. Both incidents were mechanical in nature and hence un-natural and somehow wrong. It therefore felt wrong and forced, thus leaving me incapable of sustaining an erection.

2) I'm technically homosexual/asexual. What kind of man can't have sex with a woman? I am not sexually attracted to men, but frankly I'm willing to put everything on the table because frankly it would make a lot of sense.

I'm really distressed. Any advice, particularly from people who have been in similar experiences would be a great help.

LegacyUser

I was tired and emotional when I wrote this last night, hence the appaling spelling and grammar. If anyone has been through the same thing I have, please help. Please don't suggest viagra or a doctor because I think this is more of a psychological thing (In any case people are too medicated as it is)

WittyKitty1

Firstly I would suggest you go see a doctor- to stamp out any medical issues you might be unaware of.

but on the psychological side, my opinion would be that you are putting FAR too much pressure on yourself with regards to sex...

You obviously paid for your escort, you had a one night stand and then a hook up... None of which really give you a chance to relax into the situation and enjoy yourself without the pressure of just getting the job done, the clock is ticking type of situation..

Now you are thinking that you might be gay because you can't perform for long enough in what sounds to be pretty stressful situations... You're not enjoying yourself by the sounds of what you've written above, which is what it's meant to be.

I really feel that you are very anxious and as I said before putting too much pressure on yourself. Just relax, you said you are feeling more confident with your looks/body now so just take it one step at a time.. Maybe you would rather sex in a relationship were you feel comfortable with that person who you feel won't judge you..

Neyite

Firstly, that "girl" sounds like a nasty piece of work, and you are well rid.

Secondly, when you overthink it, and put yourself under pressure mentally with a new partner, and being aware of their potential reaction would make any bloke have performance issues. It creates a vicious circle.

And its not just men with body image that suffer it. In the realms of infertility treatment, some types of treatment depend on performance on demand (semen samples, timed intercourse) can create the very type of mental block that you experienced. And thats within a loving, healthy relationship.

I think you are more 1). Lots of women prefer to get to know a man first, establish a connection, and develop trust before sex occurs, and I know a fair few men who are like that too and have genuinely no interest in one night stands, because they get much more out of sex with a partner they know well and connect with on an emotional level. You would know it I think if you are attracted to your own gender.

LegacyUser

As WittyKitty1 mentioned, it could be worth seeing a doctor to screen out any possible medical issues for peace of mind. That being said, there are other factors to consider as well, and I wouldn't suggest jumping to any conclusions.


One example: excessive internet porn is being recognised as a counter-intuitive but well-argued cause of erectile dysfunction. Perhaps one of the main causes for young men, and only recently becoming recognised for the problem that it is. Google 'porn erectile dysfunction' and you'll see a lot of information from reputable sites, or check out the website 'Your Brain on Porn'.

(Personal experience: I cut down on my own porn use and experienced a boost in performance that most certainly was not down to the placebo effect.)


For what it's worth, I'm around your age, in my late 20s, and I have been there, as have uncountably many other men (failure to perform in a one-night encounter). This has happened on more than one occasion. Each time, I brushed it off, we still had a good time, and she wanted to see me again afterward.

But had I been with the woman you describe on one of those occasions, then it would likely have ended the same way as yours. Understand that if there was a repulsive character in the interaction you describe, it was the woman you were with. You have done nothing wrong. If there's anyone to feel pity for, it is her and the ugly personality she has demonstrated.


Understand also that you are drawing conclusions from a very small sample size. That is to say, you haven't had sex that many times - so how can you so rapidly conclude that you're no good at it and never will be?

I am not just trying to 'rub it in' here. I was a late bloomer myself, and had my own share of frustrations and setbacks along the way... all of which wound up being overcome, left behind and forgotten.

What I'm saying is that it is way, way, WAY too early to leap to dramatic, scatter-shot conclusions about yourself. Do not jump the gun here.



To sum up, I'd suggest:

1) Go easy on yourself, and stop comparing yourself to others in terms of sexual prowess. That will only put massive pressure on you psychologically (which alone can cause major performance issues!), and shooting yourself in the foot this way just isn't going to help matters along! If you think you've got it bad, rest assured there are plenty out there who've got it much worse.

Chill out, focus upon yourself only (internal frame of reference: 'am I taking steps to improve my life? am I better than yesterday, even by the slightest margin?' versus the counterproductive external frame of reference: 'look at those other people who seem to be doing better at X or Y, oh god, oh god...')

Don't bother about anyone else, and move at your own pace.


2) Consider possible factors that may be stacking the odds against you. Excessive porn, smoking, poor physical fitness, etc. - build up your knowledge, and rule out as many potentially negative factors as you can.


3) The situation you described sounds like no fun at all emotionally. That would leave a lot of men reeling for a while, it's safe to say. But you were not at fault. At all. There are better people out there (to say the least), and at 25 you've got an ocean of time to meet them. Enjoy the journey!

Paddy Cow

Plenty of men and women cannot relax enough to enjoy sex if they are not with a loving partner who they have an emotional connection with. It sounds like that is the type of person you are, which is a good thing.

ruaille buaille

Take it a bit slower! Get to know someone first so u feel more comfortable. Maybe wait til u are actually in a relationship.
At the very least dont jump straight to the sex part first. Explore each other sexually for a while.
At any rate dont worry or feel bad about yourself. This encounter has happened to every man on the planet! Especially the first few times having sex. It will get better with time and u will be able to control your body easier.

Lenmeister

embarassed wrote: »

I know people will judge me for losing my virginity to an 'escort', but I'd love to know how many of you have went completely without sexual contact or intimacy until the age of 22.

A lot more than people of that age would have you believe. Noone is going to judge you for it, I know people who have done it for various reasons. It's your life and you can lose your virginity when and to whoever you want. It's nobody elses call. Don't lose your virginity the way other people want you to.

embarassed wrote: »

I'm technically homosexual/asexual. What kind of man can't have sex with a woman? I am not sexually attracted to men, but frankly I'm willing to put everything on the table because frankly it would make a lot of sense

No you're not. It's a silly statement to make. Don't associate having very little contact with females sexually to being gay. There are people a lot older than you who are still virgins because of 1 reason or another. Crippling social anxiety, afraid of what they will think because they're a virgin at whatever age, afraid of performance, afraid of size, they want it to be meaningful, want it to be with their first gf, etc etc. But they do not consider themselves gay because of so little sexual intimacy with the opposite sex.

Honestly, your post screams anxiety. You're so worried about every possible thing that can go wrong that you just can't relax and enjoy it. There's only 1 way to sort that out, that's by relaxing and letting it naturally happen. It might be very hard for you yes, but the sooner you realise that it's sex, and that it's not going to kill you, the better off you'll be. It might be a major barrier, but you can do it and you'll be so much better off. Not just in terms of having sex and being intimate, but also as a person in everyday life.

You have to tell yourself and believe that you can have an intimate time without any pressure, without any problems, because you can, and you will. And reaching orgasm in 30 seconds or 5 minutes isn't the end. It just means it's your turn to please her. And NEVER let anyone like her tell you and make you believe you're terrible in bed or that it was the worst experience ever. She's the one who made it bad by using her own frustrations as a weapon against you. Noone ever said the fun ends when you orgasm. You should be thinking, well foreplay is over, now onto the main course. You don't need a gf, you don't need emotional sex. You need to relax, take it slow, be comfortable, and have the confidence to say "this is what I want and I'm going to make sure we both have a great time". Remeber that it's not just about sex either, it's about having fun so try to enjoy yourself. Have fun with foreplay and teasing. Spending a while building up to sex will make you more aroused and in the mood, hence lessening any chances of losing your erection. Hope this helps.