Complicated Friendship Advice

LegacyUser

Hi all, could do with some opinions on the below please.

Myself and my friend have known each other for about 14 years, we both came out of long term relationships in the last two years and have been both more or less single since then. The last year we have re-acquainted ourselves and have been hanging out a good bit, spending time , doing things, going for drinks, dinners, sport, we frequently cuddle and kiss and have had sex a few times, we have also been away together on long weekends with other friends a number of times.
In the last number of months we have been spending more and more time together, in this time I have been growing more and more fond of her to the point where I asked her out directly just the other week. She said she had thought about this also but wished to remain single.

The question I have is do you think I should persist and try and bring her around or back off? The risk as I see it is if I continue to spend time with her I will certainly get more attached and this would likely have fatal consequences for the friendship if turns out she is adamant about remaining single. If I were to back off/cool off now and stop seeing her or at least so much of her I think I would be good to continue as friends down the line.

I am a male and we are both late 30's without baggage and busy jobs if this makes a difference.

Many thanks in advance.

ShowMeTheCash

As a rule of thumb, try not to have sex with your friends! As by doing this they can never really go back to being your friend! You might think they can but even if you both come to an agreement whereby you are both OK with it and not together, at some stage you will date someone else or she will date someone else which can potentially render you now friendship awkward and something to now avoid!!

But in this case there is not point crying over spilled milk!

It really all depends how you feel? I could not be friends with someone that I was in love with or had strong feelings for!

If she wants to be single you cannot force her into something she does not want, if I am being honest the only time I ever told people "I like being single" was to people I simply was not interested in...

But I dunno every relationship is different, try and be honest with her in what you want..... And try and be honest with yourself... Do you know what you want?

All the best!

seenitall

Comilicatedfriend wrote: »

If I were to back off/cool off now and stop seeing her or at least so much of her I think I would be good to continue as friends down the line.

Hi OP,

do the above, is my advice. A good friend is worth his/her weight in gold, and if you can save this friendship at all (from the point of view of you attachment), then do it.

She obviously doesn't want a relationship with you. I had a friend with benefits before, only neither of us was interested in a relationship with each other, and the sexual side worked out nicely for that very reason. You can't have sex if one of you (that would be you in this case) wants more. You'll end up hurting, a lot.

Lay off the sexual and cuddly side of things and go back to 'just' friendship, I'd say both of you will be better off for it. If she asks why, tell her the reason and if she is a true friend, she will understand and have no problem with the change.

Best wishes.

sherbett32

She likes you - just not enough. Sounds like she likes having you around, a comfy blankey but she doesn't see a future with you. Sorry.

It also sounds that she'll keep you around as long as you stay around or until she meets somebody she's very interested in.

I'd bail or accept that you're in for heartache

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response.

As to what I want, well I would want the relationship but if it is not going to happen I would not like to loose the friendship. Your perspective on the remaining single statement is helpful as when one wants something like this one does not always have perspective and tends towards optimism . This was exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to get here.

I think I'll veer of her for the foreseeable until my emotional dust hopefully settles.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

sherbett32 wrote: »

She likes you - just not enough. Sounds like she likes having you around, a comfy blankey but she doesn't see a future with you. Sorry.

It also sounds that she'll keep you around as long as you stay around or until she meets somebody she's very interested in.

Makes sense, sad but makes sense.

Thanks for all your help

kjl

Comilicatedfriend wrote: »

Makes sense, sad but makes sense.

Thanks for all your help

I don't 100% agree with this. She might want to be single for a while, as you said she did get out of a LTR. I think the timing isn't right for you personally.

Lenmeister

seenitall wrote: »

She obviously doesn't want a relationship with you. I had a friend with benefits before, only neither of us was interested in a relationship with each other, and the sexual side worked out nicely for that very reason. You can't have sex if one of you (that would be you in this case) wants more. You'll end up hurting, a lot.

Lay off the sexual and cuddly side of things and go back to 'just' friendship, I'd say both of you will be better off for it. If she asks why, tell her the reason and if she is a true friend, she will understand and have no problem with the change.

This. If you keep going the way you are you'll hit breaking point and get to a stage where you either have to be with her or have to cut her off. She sounds like a great friend to have, but don't go pushing any buttons.

Someone else also touched on waiting for someone to come along. You're most likely that. Someone she can attach herself too because she hasn't found someone yet. If you back off now, you can still do all the fun things together and keep her as a friend if/when she finds someone else. Chances are if you keep having sex with her and then she finds someone she wants to be with, you're time together will take a freefall. I'd just stay friends for now.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I have backed off and will keep distance for a while.
I'll let ye know any developments.

LegacyUser

Hi. Just a final and somewhat unexpected update!

Having since backed off my friend contacted me Friday wondering was I around Saturday etc...
So went to a function Saturday and drinks Saturday night. After a good few drinks she asked me directly why I had not been in touch so much and if I was ok.. So I told her I felt it best to back off because of the growing feelings, to my utter surprise she smiled at me and said : "well then we better go out then hadnt we?" .
Have since confirmed it was not the drink talking and my "friend" is now officially and very much my "girlfriend" !

So even the brief absence made the heart grow fonder in this instance (or forced someone off the fence?) .
Thanks for all your help

Lenmeister

Oh? Congratulations. "She said she had thought about this also but wished to remain single." - I guess she didn't think too hard about it? Seems awefully strange for someone to do a uturn in such a short amount of time. Maybe she just realised how much she actually missed you when you weren't around Well done, hope everything goes well for you!

Forever Hopeful

Lenmeister wrote: »

Oh? Congratulations. "She said she had thought about this also but wished to remain single." - I guess she didn't think too hard about it? Seems awefully strange for someone to do a uturn in such a short amount of time. Maybe she just realised how much she actually missed you when you weren't around Well done, hope everything goes well for you!

No actually it's not all that strange. Some folks aren't always honest with themselves and by extension others. I know I haven't.
Op, congratulations - you handled this perfectly. I bet your now girlfriend didn't want to show her cards and sometimes we need to know what could be lost before we cop on. Not a bad thing, just some people are moulded that way.
Well done !

Lenmeister

I would have thought knowing someone for 14 years would allow you to be honest with yourself, along with the last year or 2 reacquainting. But I agree with needing to know what could be lost before we cop on. So true.

LegacyUser

Well I would love to the story too but at this minute Im not going to look the gift horse in the mouth

Maybe if in future the conversations comes around to it I'll reserect the thread and fill ye in !

Thanks again. Delighted

Esoteric_

Delighted to hear that, OP. Happy for you.