Different class?

LegacyUser

I'll just leave this here...

Is there such thing as being in a different class than your partner in a relationship? Maybe class isn't the right word, but I can't think what is the correct word.

Basically, my other half's family are extremely wealthy. He has a savings account of thousands, given to him by his parents. Basically, set up for a good few years in life, let's say. His family have the very best of things, the latest gadgets. All her other two siblings were given a house and car for them and their partners when they married. My partner is used to the best restaurants, hotels, etc. I'm in my third year in college with a part time job. It just feels like I can't keep up. My partner expects to go out every single weekend, and when I can't afford it, he'll pay for our drinks. I hate this. It just makes me feel cheap. He says he just loves treating me to the best too.

Me, well maybe I'm just jealous at the fact that his family have everything and anything. I get it, his parents worked for it. It makes me feel ungrateful to my parents at times. That they didn't work hard enough to that extent. That now in my adult life, every cent I work hard for, is all I have.
On the other hand, I'm very grateful I wasn't spoiled. I had to wait until my birthday or Christmas for something I wanted, like most people. My partner laughed when I said this because he never experienced it. My family had just enough money, probably about the average family amount.

We're been together five years, and I'm not sure why it's starting to get to me now. Maybe because we're talking about moving into an apartment this year sometime. Maybe I'm thinking more into the future, and realising that I want us to work for the house and car that yes, we'll get. There's no doubt about that. I don't want that for me, or any children I may have.

At times, I just feel like finishing it because I'm sick of his lifestyle, best of things etc. Maybe I'm just jealous.

judgefudge

Hmm. On the one hand I can see where you're coming from... A difference in wealth can cause a strain because he'll want to do things you can't afford and you'll feel like a scrounger if he pays for everything etc.

However... You want to break up because you're jealous? Can you really love him if you're thinking like that?

Provided he's not acting pretentious or making you feel like a pleb then I can't see where you're grounds to get upset with him are. It's hardly his fault his parents gave him everything?

I can understand that you want to work for your own house and cars etc in the future, and that's admirable. You should sit down and clearly explain that to him. See what he thinks before you contemplate leaving the relationship.

Does he work? Or have ambition?

IrishEyes19

Being jealous and wanting to earn it yourself are two very different things, so Im not sure what you are most concerned about to be honest. if its a jealousy thing, well maybe ending it is right because its just going to erode into your relationship, you cant expect him to change his life style because you dont like it and at the same time, he cant expect you to live his. its a situation where compromising has to happen.

if its a case of earning things yourself, well if you do settle down and have kids, his parents ect have no right to impose their financial wealth on you or your choices, but this is something you have to lay down from the start and make it very clear, as too many people let it slide in the beginning and then before they know it, the kids are being uber spolit by the grand parents or buying this, buying that and you wont know where to look or turn to. Its a situation that you have to make extremely clear now to your partner.

LegacyUser

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

Me, well maybe I'm just jealous at the fact that his family have everything and anything. I get it, his parents worked for it. It makes me feel ungrateful to my parents at times. That they didn't work hard enough to that extent. That now in my adult life, every cent I work hard for, is all I have.
On the other hand, I'm very grateful I wasn't spoiled. I had to wait until my birthday or Christmas for something I wanted, like most people. My partner laughed when I said this because he never experienced it. My family had just enough money, probably about the average family amount.

OP I am in a similar position to you in that my family were quite poor when growing up. My mother came from quite a wealthy family, but my father not so much. I have some very wealthy cousins and it is quite strange to be around them, in that everyone in my father's side drive like second hand Toyotas and such whereas my other side drive Jags! This above quote stood out to me.

It's pointless to resent your parents for not having "worked harder". To look at it another way, bearing in mind I don't know your family's circumstance, what if your father or mother had gone in for a big promotion, worked long long hours, stressed themselves to the max? You might have had more material things but you would have doubtlessly spent less time with your parents, maybe they may have worked themselves so hard they got ill, do you see where I'm going with this? I'm not going to be all airy fairy and say money doesn't matter, because it does, but there are more important things.

To me it sounds like your parents gave you a good grounding and realistic expectation of life, whereas I don't think your partner has had that luxury. You have worked for everything you have had; he hasn't had to. What if some day the money runs out?

There's no sense in resenting him for his background either. When I first read your post I thought perhaps you had a chip on your shoulder. But reading again I think perhaps there is some fundamental value difference between you and your partner.

What does your partner do for a living? You are right to feel uncomfortable about the grandparents spoiling any potential children; it does them no favours in the long run. So it's up to you. Can you just accept that this is the way your life could be, you have the potential to be a kept woman, or do you feel too uncomfortable with it?

Have you ever sat him down and talked to him about it? I know you've said to him about the drinks, but have you ever discussed your reservations about the car, the presents etc? You need to do this before you make any further decision.

littleblackDRS

This is nearly exactly how it was with my ex. His family were pretty well off, and I had the added bonus of his mam looking down her nose at me because of where I came from.
In the end, I couldn't stand him. His family annoyed me, they had no concept of money, it was very "if I want it, I'll have it." He was lazy, he never had to work for anything.
I think different class can cause problems, because you have completely different outlooks on life. I can really see how that would be a problem if you were to be raising kids, because you probably will want them to be grounded well adjusted individuals, but if there's money been thrown at them, they will probably be your partner "2.0".
I think you really need to sit down and think, not just about what you want now, but what you'll want in the future, and how you'll want your kids to be brought up, and the kind of environment you want them in.

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

Ah, the always uncomfortable question to ask.. class clashes...

I am kind of sort of in a similar situation as you and it's been a nightmare, so I'll offer my advice but I guess I'm also curious about your outlook on the whole situation.

My first suggestion would be, maybe the reason your girlfriend is with you is way beyond money. In fairness, she could be with any guy with loads of money if she wanted to. So if in a way she made a "compromise" to be with you, even though she has to sacrifice some things she is used to, that means you must be a really amazing person that makes all that sacrificing worthwhile, and you should see it as a compliment.

Marrying up - as they say - does entail having to put up with snobbishness, but also entails having safety and leisure beyond our means. Women have been trading these for ages - they give up a bit on their freedom, but they get a lot of luxuries, holidays, and even less superficial things - good job contacts, good health care if necessary, good child care if you wanna go that way.

I'm questioning a bit of the same things as you at the moment.

My ex boyfriend came from a really wealthy family, as in maids and cooks and gardeners tending to all of their wills. Still he was pretty independent and even though he would have all the safety in the world if he job crashed, he still would fight for himself and not borrow from his parents....

My new boyfriend is from a really complicate family, has a past of violence and abuse, himself became violent during teen years, no economical or emotional support whatsoever from his family, drug addiction. But is a sweetheart, madly intelligent and I admire him so much for things he achieved/achieves and for making me laugh and for being such a fascinating person.

I'm kind of in the middle between the two of them, I work my arse off to pay my bills, as in 12h daily work, but I also want to enjoy a night out and travelling and good things. In the beginning, it didn't matter to me that my current partner had less money than me and my ex, cos he was a much nicer and more interesting person. But with time it became very limiting, but I reckon more because of his life choices than because of lack of money really (in our situation, any extra money he has is spent on his kids gifts and luxuries - he was a teenager father of two - or on his drug habits)

I do not see myself as materialistic, but to spend 5 euro per day on a picnic or a walk along Bray seaside would be enough for me. Except then I get a lecture on how "spoiled I am" because once a week, after working 12h per day, I want to relax and have a pint in a pub or get a take-away.

Sorry, I guess I'm not sure if I'm helping with your question. I just felt maybe sharing my point of view being the girl and between the guy with loads of money and the one with very little, perhaps I could help.

The only thing I noticed is that I started out in my current relationship without even noticing the class/money aspect but somehow my naivety backfired on me and now I feel 1) guilty cause I want to do enjoy my days off work, 2) my bf resents me cos he thinks I'm posh just cos I had different life choices than him...

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies - I've been reading and rereading them again and again before writing a post.

My boyfriend's in college atm, I know that was asked before. He's going on to do a Masters this year. hasn't got a job either, so basically his parents give him 100 euro a week to socialize.

There was this one time, he took money out of the bank, showed me it and said "I bet you've never seen this much money in you life in one go, have you?" It was extremely insulting. I even asked him was he trying to show off or something, to which he replied "Maybe". I dropped the subject then and there. Truth is, yes, I never saw that much money in one go. Part of me thought that no, I wouldn't even want that if you're going to have such a smug attitude about it.

I see my parents struggle, while he's showing off how much he has. It made me hurt inside. He surprized me with a holiday to the US. him paying flights and accommodation, one he absolutely knew I couldn't pay for, not at least until next year. I am very grateful, but I know that I won't enjoy this holiday. I'm dreading it. I can just about scrape together spending money and food etc., but that's it. I need money for my last year in college. That's been really stressing me out too, this holiday. I won't enjoy it as much. If I could pay it for myself, yes definitely. I just feel in 'debt', or something, to him. Even though he says it's his treat and not to worry about a thing, I still do alot. I hate talking about it. I's always wanted to go to America, he knew that, and one day, decides to surprise me with tickets. It's an extremely thoughtful gesture, I realise, but I'm dreading it. I want to pay it, but can't. Literally.

We have talked about children recently, and he actually agreed with me, no they won't be spoiled. We'll make sure that they know and realise the meaning of money and waiting until birthdays/Christmases. Which is good. yes. He said he wants to earn his own money to treat me and any future kids, and feel like he's made a success of his life.

Reesy

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

...There was this one time, he took money out of the bank, showed me it and said "I bet you've never seen this much money in you life in one go, have you?" It was extremely insulting. I even asked him was he trying to show off or something, to which he replied "Maybe". I dropped the subject then and there. Truth is, yes, I never saw that much money in one go. Part of me thought that no, I wouldn't even want that if you're going to have such a smug attitude about it...

Jaysus, that sounds crass & immature of him. Are you sure this is the kind of guy you want to be with? (or was it quite untypical?)

Emme

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

There was this one time, he took money out of the bank, showed me it and said "I bet you've never seen this much money in you life in one go, have you?" It was extremely insulting. I even asked him was he trying to show off or something, to which he replied "Maybe". I dropped the subject then and there. Truth is, yes, I never saw that much money in one go. Part of me thought that no, I wouldn't even want that if you're going to have such a smug attitude about it.

That was ignorant and insensitive of him. At best it was thoughtless but I'm reminded of the Thatcher era bankers who used to wave wads of money in people's faces and shout "loadsamoney!" Maybe he didn't mean it that way but it was a really tactless thing to say.

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

I see my parents struggle, while he's showing off how much he has. It made me hurt inside.

Does he realise this?

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

He surprized me with a holiday to the US. him paying flights and accommodation, one he absolutely knew I couldn't pay for, not at least until next year. I am very grateful, but I know that I won't enjoy this holiday. I'm dreading it. I can just about scrape together spending money and food etc., but that's it. I need money for my last year in college. That's been really stressing me out too, this holiday. I won't enjoy it as much. If I could pay it for myself, yes definitely. I just feel in 'debt', or something, to him. Even though he says it's his treat and not to worry about a thing, I still do alot. I hate talking about it. I's always wanted to go to America, he knew that, and one day, decides to surprise me with tickets. It's an extremely thoughtful gesture, I realise, but I'm dreading it. I want to pay it, but can't. Literally.

Even though you have always wanted to go to America is it worth going under these circumstances? If you're not going to enjoy the trip and feel indebted to your boyfriend will it be worth it?

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

We have talked about children recently, and he actually agreed with me, no they won't be spoiled. We'll make sure that they know and realise the meaning of money and waiting until birthdays/Christmases. Which is good. yes. He said he wants to earn his own money to treat me and any future kids, and feel like he's made a success of his life.

If you genuinely love him and he loves you then you will have to try and forget the money difference. If it's really bothering you then you'll end up resenting your boyfriend and that will get in the way of your relationship. He has grown up with money and is used to doing things that you and probably most of us aren't. There are differences between partners in many relationships and the relationships survive because the partners have things in common that outweigh the differences.

The title of your thread reminded me of a Pulp album of the same name. I'm sure you've heard the song "Common People" but you should listen to it again and focus on the lyrics. It reminds me of your situation. The bitterness that comes across in the song comes across in what you say.

I know it's hard to forget family financial struggles but dating somebody from a different background can be a way of educating yourself and learning about those people. When you start work and hopefully earning more money yourself this will stand to you.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for all the replies, I've been taking them all on board.

There was another time when it hurt. Basically he said, it's a shame you can't decide who you live next to, that you could be living next to welfare scum scamming the system. Maybe I was too sensitive, I'm not sure. Luckily, some of our friends heard that comment, and told him he was bang out of order.

I'm starting to think my mental health is being affected, to be honest. I'm finding myself getting increasingly worried about this holiday, money wise. I fear I'm holding him back too. He wants to go away for a weekend next month and I can't afford it. He offered to pay, but I firmly put my foot down and said no. I said to get a few other friends and go, but I just can't. I feel terrible.

When I try and think about how to tell him how I feel, I'm afraid of insulting him or something. Maybe it'll sound to him like I'm being ungrateful that he's paying, something along those lines. Which is not the case. I am grateful, I just wish he'd let me have some say in where we were staying, etc. It's a five star hotel like, I possibly could have afforded it if it were a bit lower to reach my budget.

I want to tell him how I feel. I just don't know how to get the words out. It also feels like I'm letting myself down. I'm pretty independent and like to pay for my own things. He pays for me and I pay for him, take it in turns.
How do I even begin to tell him how I feel?

judgefudge

You're in college with a part time job, which is good going by anybody's standards, so don't feel like you're letting yourself down. I've been there before and remember how little money I had and how frustrating it was not being able to do things, so I feel for you.

You really need to talk to him though. Explain where you are coming from and that you need him to understand that you don't have as much cash but at the same time don't want him paying your way. If you can't even talk to him about it you're in trouble. And if he can't understand your position at all it's best to find out now.

He sounds like he has just had everything handed to him and doesn't understand what it's like to have to work all the time, just to cover bills.

blatantrereg

He's a bit of a show-off and a bit tactless at times. He appears to respond to being picked up on both however.

I doubt he feels like you'll owe him anything for the holiday. It's supposed to be fun. Maybe a bit of an elaborate gesture. From what you say, it fits in with showing off to you a bit maybe, but it doesn't sound like there are any power games afoot. At least not any in any negative sense.

If he bought into the idea of different classes based on financial status he wouldn't be going out with you. He certainly wouldn't be talking about kids or moving in together with you.

Maybe I'm not picking up on things right. There are situations like this where one person is vulgar and belittles the other person. Maybe that's the case here. But from what you say it just sounds like he's open-handed and guileless.

CaraMay

He sounds immature to me. Why though, when you are this miserable, would youconsoder marrying and having kids with him?

He has come out with a few stupid comments but he seems smitten with you and wants to share experiences with you.

I don't understand why you would refuse a free house. I wish to god I didn't have a huge mortgage so I could stay at home with my child and have more time for him. As for saving for his future, that's a non runner. You don't seem to understand how hard it is working, with a family, a mortgage and no money.. its fine not to want to be seen to be looking for money from them but it would be pure stupid to turn down a free house as a gift.

LegacyUser

There are different definitions of "class" out there, OP, so to answer the question in the title of your poster: it depends.

You may be in a different financial class as his. But "class" can also be defined by education, values, background, manners, behaviour, outlooks in life, etc.

So you are in a different financial class, ie you have less money. But you go to college, you sound very intelligent and articulated, you work hard, you are considerate, you are independent, you want to pay for your own things, you are ambitions and hard-working. I'd say those are all excellent values and usually associated with "higher classes". So in all these matters you are in the same class as his (or perhaps above), and this is probably why he overlooks or doesn't mind at all the financial aspect of it.

On the other hand, he could have a "new rich" girl who has lots of money and expensive fashionable clothes and would be able to pay for her 5 stars accommodation and holidays with him, but who would not be able to hold a conversation, discuss any interesting topics, be strong to support him in his decisions/issues, act cheap or vulgar, and possibly be only focusing on his car/properties/parent's money. This is what your boyfriend wouldn't like.

The money aspect is minor. You have everything else.

ABajaninCork

Money doesn't buy class. Neither does it buy sensitivity or good manners by the look of it.

OP - If I were you, I'd take the holiday. But I'd find a way to pay him back for the accommodation and flights. That way, it might be a struggle, but at least you'd feel a bit better knowing it wasn't 'free' and he won't be able to hold that over you IYKWIM.

The rest of it? You've been together a long time. You should be able to chat to him. Do it. Let him know how it's making you feel.

December2012

Why would you feel in debt to your boyfriend of five years? Surely he bought it knowing you couldn't afford it, ie he wanted to buy you a present. If he has no expectation of you owing him something why do you?

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

CaraMay

December2012 wrote: »

Why would you feel in debt to your boyfriend of five years? Surely he bought it knowing you couldn't afford it, ie he wanted to buy you a present. If he has no expectation of you owing him something why do you?

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

I agree. Turning down a free house is just plain dumb and cutting your nose off to spite your face.

LegacyUser

Have you not talked about it with him OP? I'm in a similar boat to you, but my boyfriend and I have often spoken about money and how it fits in with our values. Luckily even though his family has got a lot of it he doesn't generally act like a huge oblivious snob about it - still, he has made the occasional comment that's bugged me, and I sometimes get jealous too. Often my jealousy is just an irrational form of resentment though. I think I may always feel that 'jealousy' to some extent just in terms of our childhoods etc., but I don't think it's important and I just try not to dwell on it.

I'd just try to explain to him how you feel, and make sure he takes your concerns seriously. He doesn't sound that unreasonable. I'm not making excuses for people being insensitive, but you do sometimes have to give people a chance - all this stuff about welfare scum, etc. is just what his parents and family will have told him over and over since he was young, it's conditioning just like anything else and often getting angry with somebody over it is counterproductive. When people make ignorant comments like that you should counter them calmly and explain why you don't think they should feel like that, rather than just saying they're wrong or whatever.

He may always have more money than you, you'll have to decide whether or not you can handle that. Personally I think it's just money and it isn't important. You can achieve and accomplish things you want to do, whether you make as much money as him doesn't really matter. I think when you're in a serious relationship it's okay to share everything. He wants you to do things together with him, he's not treating you as charity- collectively, you have enough money to do these things, even if his side is 'contributing' more; couples are rarely 100% financially equal anyway. It's only you who feels uncomfortable about it, understandable though it it. I think if you discuss it openly and honestly with him you'll feel a lot better, rather than feeling like it's something you can't talk about.

Paddy Cow

Op I've never been in a relationship where the money divide was that obvious but I did have a friend who was on a much higher income than me. It normally wasn't an issue but then I was on the dole and couldn't socialise as much. She would ring and ask me if I wanted to go for lunch and I had to say no all the time because the place she went to was about €20, which somethimes was my food budget for the week.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to face this sort of situation on a daily basis. You say you are in college now so it's understandable that you don't have much disposible income. After you graduate and (hopefully) get a good job and start moving up the career ladder you will have more money. If you don't think you will ever be able to match your partners salary, then you are going to have to work something out with him.

About the holiday situation, is there anyway you two could compromise where he gets to pick one expensive holiday, which he seems happy to pay for and then you get to pick the next, lower budget one? Money is one of the biggest reasons for arguments in relationships. Even couples who earn the same amount have problems if one likes to spend every penny they earn and the other is frugal and likes to save.