Family can't handle my angry brother

LegacyUser

Where to start. I’m 21 years old, not in college at the minute and haven’t really done anything the past four years due to various psychiatric disorders. I live with my brother who is 35 and has been unemployed for nearly five years, and my parents who are 64 and 66.

My parents have been broken and put back together the past few years – my dad’s mother died last year, and three of my mam’s siblings have died, with another on the way out at the minute. As well as this they’ve had to deal with psychotic episodes, episodes of self harm, manic episodes and suicide attempts from me. That alone is way too much for anyone to deal with in such a short space of time, let alone having the problems that my brother is causing on top of them as well.

I’m the only person that my brother speaks to. He point blank refuses to talk to my parents unless it’s to start an argument. He cannot have a rational, logical and quiet argument – he literally screams in your face. Even when he’s telling me about something my parents have said to him, he’ll scream it. I seem to be the only one who can deal with him though – I just put my hand up, explain that I’m not going to humor him and tell him to come back and talk to me when he can do so in a normal manner.

My parents feed this though. Every single argument is the same – it starts off with something trivial (‘’who left the heating on so long’’) but always come back to the same things: he sits in his room all day because he doesn’t have a job (a side note: in nearly five years he’s only applied for four jobs, one of which he actually got and turned down – I know this because he has literacy problems and I have to type his CV and cover letters for him), he has no friends (which is true but he does NOTHING to remedy the situation), my parents have never helped him, especially with regard to his literacy problems (I know for a fact that on several occasions they have tried to get him into adult learning courses, which, again, he point blank refused to go to). The end of every argument always comes back to the same thing, that at some point three or four years ago my dad called him a loser. My dad denies that this ever happened, but has said that if he did, he apologises, which my brother then rejects. The funny thing is, he called my mam a c*nt a few months ago, and he denies responsibility and can’t accept that that’s the exact same thing he’s accusing my dad of.

Here’s where it gets complicated. On about ten occasions, he has threatened to kill himself (I remember being 11 after coming home at night from visiting relatives after my confirmation and having him scream that at us all. After every argument, even when he doesn’t say it, he’ll speed off in his car and I’m always terrified that he’ll do something stupid. There have been occasions, not recently, but up to about two years ago, where he’d be physical and fight me. Back when I was in the midst of my illness, I would have very vicious outbursts when I was paranoid, and although my illness doesn’t excuse my behaviour, I would physically fight him if he showed the slightest sign of hostility. He’d fight back too, not entirely comprehending what was going on with me. He often squares up to my dad and tells him to hit him, which my dad never rises to.

In one of the last arguments, my brother accused my dad of molesting him as a child, which my dad staunchly refused, burst into tears and didn’t leave his bed for a week. Literally ten seconds after my brother had said that and left the room, he came back and said that he made it up, started crying and trying to hug my dad.

Every argument also ends up with the same thing – my parents telling him he has to leave, and him saying that he will – but neither of them follow through on it. After the last argument, my brother was given until March to move out, but, obviously, he hasn’t. Now he’s saying that he’ll get a job in May and move out, but I’ve a feeling it’s gonna be the same thing all over again.

My parents are at their wit’s end. Thankfully I can handle these situations better now because of psychotherapy, but any mention of therapy or mediation is futile because my brother just shoots the idea down. Quite frankly, it worries me that one of these days my parents, my dad in particular, is going to have a complete and total mental breakdown, or attack my brother. I’m also worried that my brother will follow through on his suicide threats, or again, attack my dad. We really don’t know what to do; I’m posting this on behalf of my parents and I in case some people have any ideas on how we should proceed. Thanks in advance.

blatantrereg

He's using the threat of suicide to force people to do what he wants. That doesn't indicate genuine suicide ideation.

He's just a bully too accustomed to getting his way by being a bully.

In one of the last arguments, my brother accused my dad of molesting him as a child, which my dad staunchly refused, burst into tears and didn’t leave his bed for a week.

A 35 year old making that sort of false accusation against his own father just to win an argument? Can't be much more of a bully than that. But again, even after crossing such a line, it sounds like there were no consequences for him.

he’ll speed off in his car

He can afford to keep and run a car huh? I take it that your parents cover all his living expenses then.

The solution is pretty simple. They need to stop paying his way and make him move out. They need to stop letting him bully them. If he takes things to such an extreme that it would be the logical thing to do, then they should not hesitate in calling the guards. They should be ready to take similar action if he just refuses to leave. They might still want to offer to pay for an adult learning course for him. They might even offer to pay for counselling for him [personally I wouldn't in their shoes - it just offers him a cop out imo]. But they should absolutely stop just paying his way.

It's simply a case of him bullying them to get his way because he can. If he's no longer allowed to do so, then he'll [eventually] stop. He just needs some manners put on him.

WhatNowForUs?

Most for this is to complex for me to talk about but what I will say is well done on getting help for yourself. It will be a great since of hope for your parents if you keep yourself healthy.

LegacyUser

blatantrereg wrote: »

He can afford to keep and run a car huh? I take it that your parents cover all his living expenses then.

The solution is pretty simple. They need to stop paying his way and make him move out. They need to stop letting him bully them. If he takes things to such an extreme that it would be the logical thing to do, then they should not hesitate in calling the guards. They should be ready to take similar action if he just refuses to leave. They might still want to offer to pay for an adult learning course for him. They might even offer to pay for counselling for him [personally I wouldn't in their shoes - it just offers him a cop out imo]. But they should absolutely stop just paying his way.

It's simply a case of him bullying them to get his way because he can. If he's no longer allowed to do so, then he'll [eventually] stop. He just needs some manners put on him.

He has paid my parents for rent and bills up until a month or two ago, buys all of his own food etc so it's not really a case of them paying for anything - they have offered him loans in the past when he intended on setting up a car valeting company (probably about four years ago) but that's the extent to which they 'cover his expenses'.

December2012

Would he go for therapy? Counselling?

What way does he view your psychiatric health needs - maybe he has some of his own?

LegacyUser

I think he definitely has some sort of psych problem. Counselling has been offered to him on several occasions but he refuses it - he believes that the problem is with other people and not him.