My partner and my son.

LegacyUser

I am having a difficult time and would love if someone on the outside could advise me.

I was a single mum for a long time - almost seven years - myself and my partner met when my son was seven and have been together since (three years). They barely met in the first two years, as I really felt it was important to take it slowly.

He proposed and I accepted about two months after he met my son. Since then, it has been a disaster.

Without boring you all with the details, they just don't get on.

My partner is constantly in my sons ear...'pick this up, do this,do that, /don't do this, don't do that'. He is rarely positive to him and just doesn't seem to know how to interact with a child.

My child doesn't like him. There is no relationship there and I can't blame my child as I can see that my partner is constantly at him.

I thought I loved this man dearly. I thought he was the one for me, and in many ways, he is.

But I can't in all consciousness, let my son grow up in an environment where a man never gives him a minute!! It is constantly negative between them.

What should I do??

Big Bag of Chips

OP, if you would like I can move this to the Parenting Forum for you. Anonymous posting is also allowed there, and you may get advice from other parents who have been in a similiar situation.

Neyite

In a way, he has been thrown in at the deep end parenting wise. We all learn with our babies gradually, and you have a decade of experience on him. Would you consider suggesting a parenting course for him or you both to do? I would suggest it and say that he needs to do this if you have a future together as a family.

It cannot be easy for the child to have someone come into your life all of a sudden and start telling you what to do either. You say you took it slowly, but since the engagement its been a bit of a whirlwind for your son to get used to.

Daisy M

There was a similar post in the parenting forum a few months back, heres the link. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056839408

In my opinion forcing someone to live with a person they do not like will equal a very unhappy life for all involved. I think it would be very unfair to put your child, who is dependant on you and vunerable, in this position.

At the very least your partner needs to do a parenting course and work hard on building a relationship with your child, you come as a package. Imagine if you get married and have other children your first child will be the outsider of the happy family.

Ella

You need to tell your partner to back off and explain the hurt it's causing you and your son. He only knows the child a year really and has no right on this planet to tell him what to do. He needs to ease up and play the good cop for your son to trust him.

Meauldsegosha

OP have you spoken to your partner about this?

ladygirl

Your son should be your main priority here. Your partner seems like a bully. If he is carrying on like this after only just meeting your son, I can only imagine how it will be if you are married and living together.

Please put your sons needs before this man.
xxx

ibarelycare

Did he act like this with your son before you got engaged? Surely you should have gauged what type of stepfather he'd be before agreeing to marry him, since you and your son are a package and he's becoming part of the family. You said you wanted to take things slowly, but it seems like you completely rushed into things after him meeting your son. It must have been difficult for your son to meet him only two months before you decide to spend the rest of your life with him. That doesn't seem like long enough for a relationship to build between them.

You didn't say how old your son is, but guessing by what you've said in your post, he's at least 10, but possibly older, so in or around puberty age maybe. If so he's probably already emotional enough without a huge upheaval like a new stepfather.

Have you spoken to your partner about his actions towards your son? And have you spoken to your son about how he feels? I think those are the first steps you have to take, and then see where you want to go from there.

ElleEm

unregistered wrote: »

I am having a difficult time and would love if someone on the outside could advise me.

I was a single mum for a long time - almost seven years - myself and my partner met when my son was seven and have been together since (three years). They barely met in the first two years, as I really felt it was important to take it slowly.

He proposed and I accepted about two months after he met my son. Since then, it has been a disaster.

Without boring you all with the details, they just don't get on.

My partner is constantly in my sons ear...'pick this up, do this,do that, /don't do this, don't do that'. He is rarely positive to him and just doesn't seem to know how to interact with a child.

My child doesn't like him. There is no relationship there and I can't blame my child as I can see that my partner is constantly at him.

I thought I loved this man dearly. I thought he was the one for me, and in many ways, he is.

But I can't in all consciousness, let my son grow up in an environment where a man never gives him a minute!! It is constantly negative between them.

What should I do??

The bolded part is the bit that stood out for me OP. I presume you told your son of your boyfriend's proposal soon after it happened? At ten years old, your son would understand what a marriage entails. He would know that this guy would be moving in and may take over the "daddy" role. He may wonder if you will change your name after marriage, if HE will have to change his name, he may be worried you may have more kids and will you love him any less because of this. Your son's world has turned upside down, and to top it off, this guy doesn't seem to show him and love or kindness.

Are you living with your fiance yet? You REALLY need to sit him down and explain to him how you want him to be with your son. I presume your boyfriend doesn't have kids. Maybe he is just doing what he thinks "parents" do. You need to be clear (and you should have been from the start, TBH) that you expect him to show your son respect. He definitely is not doing this in the way he speaks to your son.

I also agree with the other posters who said your son should have come first in this situation. It seems like you had time to build a relationship with this man, time to love him, then you essentially thrust your son into the relationship by getting engaged two months after he met this man. (I presume) you wouldn't know if you wanted to spend your life with someone after two months- so why would you expect your son to be okay with that.

I know your post centres a lot around your partner's attitude towards your son, but I think you need to take a step back and try to understand what this is like for your kid too. He should be your number one- you need to have a serious chat with your fiance about this and make sure he is willing to change before you go buying your dress!

jimmycrackcorm

You need to explain very clearly to your partner that his approach to dealing with your child is simply not working . His role is not to be an authoritive figure but one that influences. He's trying to be a father but cannot be so he can't be that type of authority figure.

Perhaps a more suitable arrangement is to delegate all the primary parenting to you while he concentrates on the fun stuff with your son.

I simply think he doesn't realise what his role should be in this new family arrangement so make the problem simple to solve by defining who does what.

Synyster Shadow

Iv not read all the reply's but I wanted to say from your sons point of view how it may feel for him. My parents split when I was young and when I was 11 mam met someone else. It was tough as I was in the middle of both my parents and my dad didn't want another father figure, not somethin he needed to worry bout! Anyway after a year of him living with mam and me he started ruling the roost he lay the law in my home and my feelings weren't considered! Then they had a baby a year later and I was the outsider in my own home I had to ask if I could eat and I was told what I could if the answer was yes. I was not aloud touch anything in the sitting room I was told my dad had to have me home by a certain time only to sit alone in my bedroom. My room was so cold before the double glazed Windows were put in and dad bought me a heater which I wasn't aloud use (dad paid towards my upbringing) I finally moved out at 15 and to this day me and mam are on shakey ground. Her family said she is lucky I didn't disown her and at times I really should have. It's hard been the memory of relationships past I was the reminder I guess. I can't work out what your son may see it all as but after my parents splitting it was me and mam for years on our own and someone coming in and taken over really pushed me out. Mam not been on my side in the least hurt our relationship in a big way. I'm sure it's hard for the person comin in too but they don't help there cause actin the way they do. And in my eyes it was my home and I didn't feel wanted in my home

sffc

You are between a rock and a hard place OP and sorry - but it's largely you're own making . To accept a proposal when your son and fiance had only really known each other for two month was madness and has boxed you, your son and your fiance into a difficult situation .

My first reaction WAS to advise you to set him straight about your expectations regarding treatment of your son and make it clear marriage is not on the cards until you are happy with his conduct . Huge downside is that he may be on his best behaviour for a while - store up his anger and the floodgates will open after you get married .

You have a great chance here OP because you have seen what sort of a "parent" he makes BEFORE marriage .( I use the quotes because even post marriage will not make have any legal rights to your son . ) As things stand you can make a very clean break which a married person or a person living with the biological father could only dream of - if need be . You would be an idiot to lose this by getting married or worse giving him guardian-ship . You would also be an idiot because both of these would probably make the problem worse not better . Somehow I think you know that .

Tell him the engagement is off full stop and see how he reacts . DO NOT bring your son into it - tell him its you - you value your freedom . If he loves you both he'll stay - and in time if things improve you can reassess . My hunch however is he'll be angry and you'll see him centre the argument around your son . If he does run run run and regard it as a lucky escape .

movingsucks

Are you currently living together?

There will always be teething problems but it sounds like you need to stand up for your son.

Have a discussion with him about boundaries, issues and expectations.

Is this man interested in being an influence on the your sons life or does he just tolerate him in order yo be in a relationship with you?
Does he like children, does he have nephews or nieces etc?
Or does he think that children should be seen and not heard and would rather your son wasn't around?

Honesty about expectations is required here, he might expect a quiet, spotless house and the child to play quietly in his room while he gets your full attention for example.
That example is unrealistically going to happen but at least you would know where his feelings lie and could potentially work towards a compromise... Maybe.
If he doesn't want to we the child's friend well he can compromise by effing off and minding his own business and leave any disciplining to you.
You can also discuss "house rules" between the three of you.
But ultimately it's you who has to make this happen. You have to stand up and tell him "I don't like the way you are treating my son, why are you doing that, what can we do to fix it "

Does he want children of his own, will he treat them the same?
You can work with your child, maybe he could be tidier maybe he's fine the way he is - that's for you to think about and look at. If he's ten now then this needs to be worked out before his teens start.
But ultimately your son depends on you for love, support, comfort, kindness, food, shelter everything! He can't leave and get another Mum if he doesn't like the situation and there's not much he can do to change it, as Synyster Shadows post heartbreakingly shows.
You on the other hand can work with your partner to make a happy living environment for the three of you and if he's not willing then he can leave and you both find partners who do suit your needs.
Good luck

a posse ad esse

I am sorry to say this but ANY person who would treat my children like that would be out the door so fast that their head would spin. Your son comes first before the fiance and your fiance needs to know this. You probably feel great at the moment that you've found someone that you want to share your life with, however, your son is going to be part of that life too and alarm bells would be ringing if your fiance doesn't feel the same way.

You need to take the time to explain to your fiance about his behaviour towards his future step son. Try using "your step son" statements because that is the reality of the situation. Gauge to see if he is comfortable with this arrangement and understands the fact that he is in the picture. Is he ready to become a step father?

You also need to take the time with your son and ask what exactly he does not like or why he doesn't get along with your fiance. He needs to be heard also and feel that you are thinking of his needs as well because to your son, his world has gone upside down.

Most importantly, you need to ask your fiance why he's treating your son with such disdain. It may be an innocent misunderstanding and he doesn't have a clue on how to act around kids. I think it is great you took the time to get to know your fiance first before introducing him to your son but I think this is what created the situation altogether. Your fiance had probably thought this relationship was solely based on the two of you and to him the son has become the third wheel (unacceptable that is but not all too uncommon). So he could be confused by it all. As for your son, he only got to know your boyfriend for two months before he became your fiance. What did he think about him before the engagement? Whilst dating your fiance have you talked much about your son with him? Have you discussed his hobbies and interests? How important he is to you and how important that the man in your life has to love and accept him? Does your fiance have anything they can share and bond over with?

As far as their relationship, your son doesn't have to accept him as his new father (btw, does he have a relationship with his biological dad?) but he does need to treat him with courtesy and respect (and this will only happen if your fiance does the same to him). And remember, the fiance is the adult here and he has to accept that his step son is in the picture. If he cannot handle this responsibility then he needs to walk because your fiance is really not worth losing your son over.

WM18

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

You need to explain very clearly to your partner that his approach to dealing with your child is simply not working . His role is not to be an authoritive figure but one that influences. He's trying to be a father but cannot be so he can't be that type of authority figure.

Perhaps a more suitable arrangement is to delegate all the primary parenting to you while he concentrates on the fun stuff with your son.

I simply think he doesn't realise what his role should be in this new family arrangement so make the problem simple to solve by defining who does what.

This is good advice, speaking from experience,i met my stepson for the first time when he was 7 and i knew that getting him to like and trust me was the priorty,the other parenting stuff would come when this was achieved.

CaraMay

Op so your son is c10/11? That can be a difficult age. Are you sure it's all your fiance's fault? Maybe there is an element of your don not wanting to share.

Oryx

One of the issues here is that your partner fell in love with you without knowing you as a family unit with your son. He was used to having you, and your time, to himself, because you say you kept your son out of the equation. So for the last year, that balance is being reset, and badly.

Also, your partner will have come into this with a different set of experiences of his own upbringing, and his own ideas on how things are done, and he is trying to impose them here, without understanding how damaging that can be to a child used to another way of doing things.

Your son is used to just having you around, so I can understand how this new man giving orders is upsetting him and causing him to act out. Any child would be the same.

You know your son is the priority here, and in talking to your partner you need to assure him that in looking after your son, your partner is not being left out, but that the child is the one who needs the most careful handling, as what you both do now will make him into the adult he will become.

As I see it, the changes here have to come from your partner, your son will inevitably change in response to positivity, naturally. So talk to him about softening his approach. If you dont think he can, or will, then you need to rethink the whole relationship, because while you and him might work as a couple, your relationship involves three people.

December2012

Look at doing a parenting course together.

Don't throw the complete relationship away without trying better to see if it can work.

Catphish

unregistered wrote: »

I am having a difficult time and would love if someone on the outside could advise me.

I was a single mum for a long time - almost seven years - myself and my partner met when my son was seven and have been together since (three years). They barely met in the first two years, as I really felt it was important to take it slowly.

He proposed and I accepted about two months after he met my son. Since then, it has been a disaster.

Without boring you all with the details, they just don't get on.

My partner is constantly in my sons ear...'pick this up, do this,do that, /don't do this, don't do that'. He is rarely positive to him and just doesn't seem to know how to interact with a child.

My child doesn't like him. There is no relationship there and I can't blame my child as I can see that my partner is constantly at him.

I thought I loved this man dearly. I thought he was the one for me, and in many ways, he is.

But I can't in all consciousness, let my son grow up in an environment where a man never gives him a minute!! It is constantly negative between them.

What should I do??

I think you should have held back on the engagement until your fiance has established a good or at least amicable relationship with your son. Two things here: One, he hasn't parented before, so all he has to fall back on is how he was parented himself. Secondly, you've been parenting all alone all this time, and you're not used to anybody else disciplining your son.

What you need to do is have a talk with your fiance and explain to him that you really appreciate him helping you parent your son, but explain to him that they will never be able to form a good relationship if every interaction he has with your son is a negative one. It is good that he is getting involved, but there has to be a balance. Don't doubt your love simply because of an issue which I'm sure can be rectified once you've explained your worries. You've been on your own for so long now, dedicated all of your time to your son. You deserve to be happy with a man too, it shouldn't have to be one way or the other. While you're already engaged, don't set any dates or anything until you've addressed this matter and it is working out. I'm sure everything will be okay, but you need to be open with your fiance. Do talk to your son too, bridge the gap and tell him that your fiance wants to get along with him. I hope it works out for you all, best of luck.

homerjay2005

CaraMay wrote: »

Op so your son is c10/11? That can be a difficult age. Are you sure it's all your fiance's fault? Maybe there is an element of your don not wanting to share.

exactly. everybody is blaming the man, but there could be more to it than just him expecting a bit of discipline and telling a child what to do. alot of children these days are lacking guidance and perhaps this child is used to having everything his own way, his mother all to himself.

likewise, perhaps the OP can see no wrong with the child and is operating on the defensive. of course he is only a child, but children arent perfect also.

and a crucial point here is the fact that the child is being referenced in a "my child" sense. if he was the father, would you have a different view and different expectation? the man needs some slack also, taking on another mans child is not easy. there is a line that shouldnt be crossed in treating a child especially one not your own, but as of yet, being negative is not one of them.

sffc wrote: »

Tell him the engagement is off full stop and see how he reacts . DO NOT bring your son into it - tell him its you - you value your freedom . If he loves you both he'll stay - and in time if things improve you can reassess . My hunch however is he'll be angry and you'll see him centre the argument around your son . If he does run run run and regard it as a lucky escape .

this is perhaps the worst advice i have ever seen on this forum....f*cking hell. this is not a game, it is not Eastenders or Hollyoaks so show some respect to the woman, the child and the man and give advice that is fair to all.

Meller

Have you spoken to your fiance about this?

I read this and naturally sympathised with your child, just because that's the situation I relate to. I understand that it's not one-sided and may be difficult for your fiance too. I feel sorry for your chid, though; stepparents can be difficult to accept even when they're perfectly lovely. But I can't imagine the resentment that must be building inside your child right now, that will almost inevitably get much worse when they're a bit older unless something is done now.

You need to step in between them here. You need to be honest with your child, have open communication about the topic of your fiance and not allow them to feel alienated from you. And of course, you need to talk to your fiance! I assume there have already been many words said about this. Have you talked with your fiance about how this must feel for your child, how you both must try to make your child as comfortable as possible etc? I'm sure he would understand that and should be willing to work on his behaviour.

You need to make the effort to amend the rift - don't cower away from discussing it with them both, and organise ways to bring them together... nice things they can do together and with you etc.