No Social Life in your 30s...

ataloss2013

Hi all, I have a bit of a sad problem which I need some advice on. I was badly bullied between ages 14-17 and it hammered my confidence for years afterwards and led me to shy away completely from the world, meaning I had almost no real friends and no social life to speak of. Because I thought most people were self centered cruel a&&holes, I went into my shell and in the last 10 years my only real mate was a guy from college I was friendly with and an old school mate who I email every few weeks but we rarely meet up anymore but they have both moved on in life and have girlfriends and a new clique of people to mix with. So now it hit me hard that, as a man in his mid 30s, apart from my family I have absolutely nobody and not the faintest idea on how to start a social life from scratch. My workmates are nice enough but have given up on me a long time ago and just look at me with pity now as thay chat about their wives, husbands, kids, hobbies etc.

Im currently getting therapy to overcome my low self esteem and overcome my intense fear of social situations, change my distorted thinking about anxiety etc and I have a long way to go before Im in any way comfrotable in my own skin but in the meantime life is passing me by and Im trying to start up meeting new people etc and have done 2 courses the last year plus joined a walking club but to my dismay despite how natural Im trying to be, people arent that interested in a connection beyond the superficial "Hi, this course is great" etc they all head right off to their busy lives afterewards and Im left feeling worse. What is the best way to start a whole NEW social life from scratch at this hour of my life, is it too late for me now since most people my age are weighed down with family etc and have no time for new people. Any advice on trying to move on because I feel in despair now at how different I am to other people my age, I mean even the people who seem to have nothing going for them have no shortage of friends to holiday with or go out on a weekend with.

Daisy78

Hey op,

Sorry to hear your having a tough time of it. It's funny cause you think that by your thirties you will have it all sorted, the friends, relationship, kids, house....the whole lot, you think there will be some sort of magic bullet that cures all of your social woes and overnight things will have magically righted themselves. As an introverted lady in her mid thirties I have found that making friends gets much harder as you get older as people tend to rely on their school/college mates and don't make the effort with new people. I wouldn't even say I can count on one hand the friends I have retained from college or school. Any friends I've made have been from work, flatmates, and social groups like book clubs. But it has been hard work. I had a pretty horrible experience with people I had counted as friends which put me off socialising big time. But you have to make an effort or else your situation remains the same. Are you interested in sports, maybe the local five a side might need another player? Do you follow any premiership teams, maybe you could join a supporters club? Meet up.com is a great way of meeting people, are you a member of any professional organisations, some of the professional bodies/associations have a good social scene and you would already have something in common with people. These ideas might not suit you but I guess you need to think about casting the net a bit wider to see what works. I would recommend meet up as a good place to start.

Also I would say that it's easy to think that everyone has loads of mates these days, with dazzling social lives to boot but more often than not I can guarantee this is not the case. You just need to persist until you find what works for you.

LegacyUser

OP, hang in there. I'm in a similar enough situation. I am lucky to have a few close friends. From the outside, big gangs of friends seem so close, but I think in reality most people are very lucky to have a few people they can call real friends, who they can depend on.

You're doing the right things, seeking therapy and joining groups to expand your social horizons. It takes a constant effort though. Keep an interest in things like current affairs, general sport news, politics etc. Even just skimming the headlines will help break the ice with most people.

If you have a particular interest in a certain area (photography, cycling, music etc) pursue it. Mixing with like-minded people will make socialising much easier.

"My workmates are nice enough but have given up on me..." - I know what you mean here. There's nothing worse than seeing nice people being nice to each other, and yet treating a shy or introverted person with disdain!

I don't think all is lost for people in their 30s... far from it! With emigration and single people not seeing so much of their married-with-kids friends, I'm sure there are plenty of people open to new friendships.

I've recently got a couple of books on social anxiety and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, they come with exercises... I'm not great at finishing books but I intend to see these through, maybe you should have a look for something similar?

Best of luck OP and like I said, hang in there, it'll come good for you, you just need to work on the confidence. Once you're comfortable in your own skin, others will be more comfortable around you.

TechShy

Hi, ataloss

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. If you like, please feel free to send me a personal message, then maybe each of us may just make a new friend. If you prefer not to; no problem, I wish you the best of luck with improving your situation.

Warm Regards,
TechShy.

emuhead

Hi OP

Maybe try meetup.com? it's a website for people to meet up with similar hobbies / interests. I don't know where you are based but I think there are a lot of groups in Dublin. The advantage is that everyone is motivated to make new friends.

Best of luck
emuhead

Greenmachine

Do something completely new is my suggestion. Build up your confidence then take a giant leap. You mentioned you took some course I am wondering if they were part time. What about taking a full time diploma or degree next year. Everyone in the group would be completely new to the situation. Just remember no one would have any preconceptions about you. You can be exactly who you would want to be. It would give you an opportunity to join some new groups or societies to add a social aspect to your life.

Just remember that lasting meaningful relationships take time to build, tune your self into the positives of whatever situation you find yourself in if you can. Someone being interested in your opinion, offering a non-judgemental suggestion. Even someone you can have fun and spend some can all be seen as positive things.

Wish you all the best OP

Starokan

The only way you can improve things is to get yourself out there more. Would you consider trying getting a part time job somewhere that puts you into a social environment like for example a bar job. Not for the money but more so to get to know people. I've done that a few times when I moved to a new area , it always was a great way to meet people.

Also in these Internet driven days there are loads of meet up groups etc try and maybe pop along to one of these