Mother daughter conflict

LegacyUser

I'll try not to turn this in to a novel, really in need of some good solid advice. My mam and I have had our differences but I still love her to bits no matter how many times she hurts me. My mam is a recovering alcoholic, sober 3 years. During her darkest time on the drink she became involved with an absolute scumbag, who you'd throw money at in the street if you seen him. Everything came to a head with the drink and resulted in my sister nearly being removed from my mams care. When she went off it I couldn't have been happier, unfortunately this has been short lived. It soon became apparent this guy was still hanging around. Her behaviour is still the same in some ways, lying etc. She told everyone this guy was only decorating the house for her. I seen through this straight away. Though I knew he was practically living there, I never said it to her again because it falls on deaf ears. He's never there when I call as I usually ring her first. So over the weekend like a mug I called with a box of chocolates and guess who greets me at the front door, needless to say I couldn't get out of there quick enough. My mam called after me but I haven't spoke to her at all since. All I could do was cry, and was pretty upset over it over the weekend. Just in case you think it's a clash of personalities and I should get over it, this guy is a compulsive liar, a thief, he's back on the drink, threatened to stab my brother, was caught trying to steal from my sister, vandalised my car and my ex bfs car. It was because of an incident with his sister that my mam nearly lost my sister. I just don't know what to do, if I stop talking to her my little sister will be upset. I'm 27 and have spent years picking up the pieces after my mam, I just can't forgive this.

greengirl31

Hi OP …

God that’s a terrible situation for you to be in. My Mum is a recovering alcoholic too so I can relate somewhat to your post …

My mum didn’t start drinking till I was a teenager and my youngest sister was about 8 or 9 and it didn’t become a big problem till a few years later. At that stage, her and my dad has split up and my sister was the only “dependant”. I had moved out but the other 3 were still at home. Id get calls in the middle of the night to say Mum was passed at the kitchen table etc … She used to get very abusive in drink and I found it very difficult to deal with her and to leave my other siblings in the house but there was nothing that practical I could do. The two older ones could make themselves scarce and I used to have my youngest who was about 15 at the time to stay with me at weekends and I kept as close an eye on her as possible

There was never a third party in the house though so and that made our situation a little easier I suppose. You don’t say how old your sister is ? or what your other siblings think of the situation? I’m not asking to pry but it may impact what type of advice you get here.

I understand how hurtful it can be though when you’re at odds with your mum - and the only thing I can suggest for that is to try to take a step back. Keep in touch with your sister but limit the contact you have with your mum. You cannot make her stop drinking.

Best of luck – I hope things improve for you and your family

ABajaninCork

OP - Is your sister still a minor? I would agree that you need to keep the lines of communication open with her. Sounds as though she needs you...

As for your Mum? Harsh as this might sound, I would leave her to it. She is an adult, and you cannot change her behaviour now. All you can do is protect yourself and your sister as best you can. Look after YOU. Her 'partner' sounds like a nasty piece of work. I would not visit her at home either. Is there any way you can either have her visit you or you can meet up for a coffee or whatever? If this guy drinks, are you sure your Mum isn't back on the sauce??

Finally - is there an Al-Anon meeting nearby you can go? You really could do with some support.

Hope it works out for you. Sounds absolutely dreadful.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,

My lil sis is 14. I went to Alanon once but don't think its really for me. I can't be sure she's not back on the drink but I genuinely don't think she is. She had a heart attack a couple of months ago, so has packed in the cigarettes aswell after the fright she got.

Queen-Mise

Heartbroken daughter wrote: »

Thanks guys,

My lil sis is 14. I went to Alanon once but don't think its really for me. I can't be sure she's not back on the drink but I genuinely don't think she is. She had a heart attack a couple of months ago, so has packed in the cigarettes aswell after the fright she got.

Seriously consider the Alanon thing again. They suggest you go to six meetings before you make a decision.

I would suggest you try another five meetings. I will guarantee that it will help. Go in and sit down with an open mind. It is surprising how it will help you, in ways you won't expect.

The other thing is your mam is an adult and is entitled to date who she likes. If you don't think that this man is an appropriate adult to have around your little sister then ring the child protection social worker and report him.

LegacyUser

Not so simple to just ring social services when your in the situation. At the moment I literally don't have time to go to Alanon, might revisit it in the future.

username123

Heartbroken daughter wrote: »

Not so simple to just ring social services when your in the situation. At the moment I literally don't have time to go to Alanon, might revisit it in the future.

Listen, I used to say this all the time. Because I was so stressed out and busy trying to hold everything together in my own situation.

The truth is, its one hour in a week. Everyone has one hour in a week. It really is the thing that will help you. You are saying the same kind of contradictory things that I used to say - not so simple to ring social services, if you stop talking to her it will upset your sister etc.... yet given the tale you tell it makes absolute sense to do those things.

Please try Alanon again, I promise you it is the thing that gives you the power to change your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I know your right. I just have to think long and hard about this. Feeling very down at the moment, found out i've to go in for an op over the next few days and my mam hasn't even picked up the phone to me.