My mum is lonely and isolated

PatsyR

My mum is 60, she lives in the country and doesn't really have any friends. My dad is always keeping himself busy with work and her family lives 2 hours away. It's just me and my sister and we work full time. All does all day is some housework, a drive to town for groceries and then tv all day. She tends towards being anxious so she won't go anywhere without my dad but I find it hard to spend time with her because I find it so boring. We've not much in common to talk about and I don't want to watch reality tv all day so I kind of avoid being alone with her and then I'm overwhelmed with guilt. Anytime I suggest she try meet new people by joining like a book club or something, she says she's happy as she is yet she's always disappointed when I have to leave. Any suggestions?

December2012

If she says she is happy, why do you assume she's lonely?

Herrick

PatsyR wrote: »

I find it hard to spend time with her because I find it so boring. We've not much in common to talk about and I don't want to watch reality tv all day so I kind of avoid being alone with her. She says she's happy as she is yet she's always disappointed when I have to leave. Any suggestions?

Have you thought that maybe she isn't lonely in general but, she's disappointed as she doesn't get to spend much time with you?

fillefatale

Is there an ICA nearby she can join? My mum has few friends, and joined this recently and has been to 3 so far (remains to be seen whether she'll stay on as she has a habit of leaving things). Sometimes its up to them to make the change and join a social group.

amtc

Listen, my mam just retired - and she says if one more person suggests she should take up bridge she'll hit them.

Always struck me, when you're a child, you normally have your own room. Yet my mam's never had her own room, and he own space. She just wants freedom! Today, for example, she stayed up half the night watching stupid recordings on TV, and stayed in her dressing gown. She said she felt like a bold child. Not everyone has to be doing something all day every day!

LegacyUser

I know some woman who once there children leave home get into a rut as they never developed interests or friendships outside the home.
They won't go anywhere or do anything on there own.
For your mother could she get involved with the local church as the choir, cleaning or people doing the flowers always welcome an extra pair of hands.
What about the local Ica, the local over 50's club? Does she like gardening as some places have a gardening club were she would meet other people with this interest.
What about the local school or vec do they offer night classes as she could meet people there.
Would she consider training to work with adults who have problems with reading and writing? What about doing some work with a local charity? The Irish cancer society are looking for drivers at the moment. A driver would give up a few days a month to drive someone who is having cancer treatment to and from there hospital appointments.
I would encourage your mother to get involved with something outside the home as the more active she stays as she gets older the better it will be for both her physical and mental health.
I know woman who are not much older than your mother and they have no get up and go at all. They have a cold and they are going to die. Everything a major hastle and they never stop complaining about anything they can.

PatsyR

I have made tons of suggestions and she shoots them all down. She hasn't worked in 30 odd years and she has no interests that I can see. I just see her as a fragile woman and I worry about her all the time

December2012

How does she see herself?

PatsyR

Well it's a year later and she's had her ups and downs but this week she's so down I'm surprised she can get out of bed she's barely speaking 2 words to anyone. She just grunts or nods an answer and my dad is trying so hard to find out what's wrong or get her to go out and do something. And the frustrating thing is, that she'll claim she's fine even when she looks utterly depressed. Which is something else she'll deny!

Taltos

OP - you or better yet your father need to go talk to her GP. Now they won't be able to share anything with you, confidentiality and all that but at least let them know your concerns and try to get your mum in to see them. This is all too common, but unless your mum seeks (the hard part) and accepts she needs help this isn't going to get suddenly any better...

Rubberchikken

could you suggest going out for an occasional day with her. shopping, lunch even just basic grocery shopping and coffee?
you don't want to sit watching daytime tv and she could be feeling left out of you busy lives.