Just not attracted to him...yet?!?!

LegacyUser

Okay, so looking for a little bit of advice! I’ve never had a proper “serious” relationship. I started seeing a guy last summer, let’s call him Tom, totally fell for him – I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. He seemed really happy too – organised lots of dates, constantly texting etc etc. I would stay in his house a lot, would see each other most days. We were seeing each other for a few months but then he ended it saying I was too nice to be messed about & that he wasn’t ready for something serious; turns out he was seeing someone else and it became official a week or so after we ended it. It got kind of difficult afterwards – we would still text each other after nights out, he’d say he still loved me etc, that he made a mistake, but it was all just too painful for me. I think it really hit me hard because it was the first guy I REALLY fell for! Met a few guys since – but too afraid to go any further with any. Anyway fast forward almost a year – was on a night out with my circle of friends! One of the girls brought a friend I had never met before (Gary)- we got on well, he was so easy to chat with! Then in the nightclub we kissed & he asked for my number – I gave it to him! He seemed really interested asking if I’d liked to meet him again soon, I had a couple of drinks too many and stupidly said “yes”! To me though it was nothing more than a kiss; he is an absolutely lovely guy, but I just don’t “fancy” him! We bumped into Tom in the nightclub – and I immediately got butterflies! There was no comparison between the feelings when I’m with Tom vs with Gary – I was only speaking with Tom but it just felt so different & more exciting; difficult to describe exactly! Tom was a complete player, but I totally fell for him & even though he broke my heart I would get back with him in a flash – love *sigh*! Anyway I got a text from Gary yesterday – just general chit chat, then he asked if I’d like to meet some evening during the week. He’s such a good guy – my friend says he is absolute gent. Because of this I would like to see if maybe my attraction for him grew but at the same time don’t want to string him along – he’s too nice a guy to be messed about. Any advice on what to do!?!

Brego888

Gary is not the guy for you. You can't force attraction so no point dragging it out.

Equally Tom isn't either. He's messed you about before and he'll do so again. You're clearly not over him yet but it will cause you more heartbreak of you hold on to the notion that it could all work out in the end. Distance and time from him is what you need.

beks101

ConfusedGirl! wrote: »

Tom was a complete player, but I totally fell for him & even though he broke my heart I would get back with him in a flash – love *sigh*!

No that's not love, that's you obsessing over a guy who's clearly not good for you, right for you, or able to give you what you need. It ended (horribly, by all accounts) more than a year ago and you're still weak at the knees for him, why? At this stage perspective and hindsight should've kicked in & made you less misty-eyed about him: he's a player who essentially dumped you for someone else, for most people a year would be enough time to kill whatever attract was there in the first place.

Be straight with Gary and tell him you think he's great but he's not the one for you. He deserves that and if he's as nice a guy as you've described, he'll take it on the chin. Attraction isn't always a mutual thing so no need to feel bad about it.

kjl

Look, whatever you do, don't hurt Gary because you are working out your feelings for Tom. If you are not attracted to him, don't go out with him or if you do be very clear that you are not ready for a relationship.

December2012

Don't see either of them.

It's separate.

You're not interested in one, so don't go any further.

You are possibly interested in the idea of the other - who doesn't dream of their ex wanting them back? But it's not healthy so don't go further there.

Work on yourself and build your own self esteem up.

LegacyUser

OP here! Thanks for all your advice! In the end I told him that I was too busy at the moment with college to so anything. But kind of regretting it now! I'd love to just hang out with him - text, go to the cinema, meals etc I would make it clear I wasn't looking for a relationship; the only thing holding me back is that I would feel trapped & not able to see other guys - even if we agreed casual basis. I am looking for a more steady relationship - and maybe Gary would be great. I may not get the feeling I get with other guys I'm really attracted to but - I know this may sound bad - he'd be a really safe option. I know he wouldn't hurt me, and we would enjoy each others company.

As for Tom - it was really difficult for the first few months after we ended it because he would constantly text me when he was drunk. I blocked his number & after a few months of not seeing him I was feeling much better about the whole thing. Even though things didn't work out - I can't help but still be attracted to him. That has to be normal though?!

LegacyUser

OP here! A lot has happened since I post her first! Would just like other people's view & opinion! Thanks in advance for reading!

Ended up texting Gary asking if he fancied drinks - he did, had a nice time with him but it just confirmed my initial feelings that was simply no spark there! Glad I bit the bullet and asked him, otherwise I'd never have known for sure. Thankfully we've stayed friends - enjoy spending time with him on a casual basis.

Things have started to get a little messy with Tom. I was out with a group of friends about 6 wks ago when he came up to me for a dance. We hadn't properly spoken since he ended things back last Sept, so I was surprised to see him being quite forward with me. After a while, he asked if we could talk. Spent an hour or so chatting - it felt really good, we both just spoke honestly and openly. So I thought this was great as the air would be cleared and it wouldn't feel awkward next time I saw him. Anyway as we were leaving, he asked if "I was going back to his, or him to mine?!" I was kind of taken back by this as he's been in a rship with his new GF since Dec. Initially I was adamant I wasn't going, but unfortunately got persuaded to go back to his - so mad with myself over this. His GF has moved in but she was away this night. Luckily I saw sense when I got to his & went no further than a kiss. Since then we have met out twice - on both occasions his GF wasn't out. We would dance together for most of the night, chat and kissed once. We seemed very "couple-ish". Each time he would ask me back to his - but I refused both times.

I'm finding the whole thing quite difficult. I never stopped have feelings for him but believe the feelings are under control - so much so that I can refuse to sleep with him. He continually tells me how he really "loves" his GF, but that there's always going to be an attraction there between us. I would never sleep with him whilst he has a GF. I would hope that even if they broke up I wouldn't go back there because I know it would end up in heartbreak - and there's no way I can go through all of that again with him.

I know it's a dangerous game we're playing, but I can't help but enjoy spending time with him - I know I'm playing with fire though. Is it a bad thing to keep going as we are or should I just text him and tell him that we have to keep our distance and not see each other anymore? I haven't been in a rship since him; he has been in 3! Any thoughts?!

LegacyUser

ConfusedGirl! wrote: »

OP here! A lot has happened since I post her first! Would just like other people's view & opinion! Thanks in advance for reading!

Ended up texting Gary asking if he fancied drinks - he did, had a nice time with him but it just confirmed my initial feelings that was simply no spark there! Glad I bit the bullet and asked him, otherwise I'd never have known for sure. Thankfully we've stayed friends - enjoy spending time with him on a casual basis.

Things have started to get a little messy with Tom. I was out with a group of friends about 6 wks ago when he came up to me for a dance. We hadn't properly spoken since he ended things back last Sept, so I was surprised to see him being quite forward with me. After a while, he asked if we could talk. Spent an hour or so chatting - it felt really good, we both just spoke honestly and openly. So I thought this was great as the air would be cleared and it wouldn't feel awkward next time I saw him. Anyway as we were leaving, he asked if "I was going back to his, or him to mine?!" I was kind of taken back by this as he's been in a rship with his new GF since Dec. Initially I was adamant I wasn't going, but unfortunately got persuaded to go back to his - so mad with myself over this. His GF has moved in but she was away this night. Luckily I saw sense when I got to his & went no further than a kiss. Since then we have met out twice - on both occasions his GF wasn't out. We would dance together for most of the night, chat and kissed once. We seemed very "couple-ish". Each time he would ask me back to his - but I refused both times.

I'm finding the whole thing quite difficult. I never stopped have feelings for him but believe the feelings are under control - so much so that I can refuse to sleep with him. He continually tells me how he really "loves" his GF, but that there's always going to be an attraction there between us. I would never sleep with him whilst he has a GF. I would hope that even if they broke up I wouldn't go back there because I know it would end up in heartbreak - and there's no way I can go through all of that again with him.

I know it's a dangerous game we're playing, but I can't help but enjoy spending time with him - I know I'm playing with fire though. Is it a bad thing to keep going as we are or should I just text him and tell him that we have to keep our distance and not see each other anymore? I haven't been in a rship since him; he has been in 3! Any thoughts?!

OP i'm sorry but i have to be really blunt here:

Tom is an obnoxious creep who continually cheats on his gf's. If you were ever to have a relationship with him you would constantly looking over your shoulder wondering if he was being faithful to you, he more than likely wouldn't be. he's already cheated on you once before, he's currently cheating on his gf. As harsh as it sounds you are being a complete doormat here. You think you're in control, but believe me you're not, he has you wrapped around his little finger. It's as plain as day he's playing you. Coaxing you in little by little until eventually you sleep with him. He knows you're willing to kiss him despite knowing he has a gf, you're an easy target to him, it's only a matter of time until you cave and sleep with him. And if you don't (which is unlikely) he'll get bored and ditch you for someone else.

You really need to work on your self esteem here OP. Why are you allowing yourself to be walked all over by a man who doesn't even consider you worthy of being in a relationship with him? It is not healthy to still be so obsessed with a man who has treated you like dirt in the past, and who treats women in general like dirt by cheating on them. By all means if you can handle the guilt of enabling someone to cheat and causing pain to the other girl then continue with what you're doing. But you're fooling yourself if you think you're the one in control here. You're fooling yourself if you think he sees you as anything other than an easy shag. You're fooling yourself if you think he'll want anything to do with you after you sleep with him. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You're allowing this man to use and abuse you. Walk away OP before you allow him to destroy any shred of self respect you have left.

Dr_Brian_Cocks

ConfusedGirl! wrote: »

OP here! A lot has happened since I post her first! Would just like other people's view & opinion! Thanks in advance for reading!

Ended up texting Gary asking if he fancied drinks - he did, had a nice time with him but it just confirmed my initial feelings that was simply no spark there! Glad I bit the bullet and asked him, otherwise I'd never have known for sure. Thankfully we've stayed friends - enjoy spending time with him on a casual basis.

Things have started to get a little messy with Tom. I was out with a group of friends about 6 wks ago when he came up to me for a dance. We hadn't properly spoken since he ended things back last Sept, so I was surprised to see him being quite forward with me. After a while, he asked if we could talk. Spent an hour or so chatting - it felt really good, we both just spoke honestly and openly. So I thought this was great as the air would be cleared and it wouldn't feel awkward next time I saw him. Anyway as we were leaving, he asked if "I was going back to his, or him to mine?!" I was kind of taken back by this as he's been in a rship with his new GF since Dec. Initially I was adamant I wasn't going, but unfortunately got persuaded to go back to his - so mad with myself over this. His GF has moved in but she was away this night. Luckily I saw sense when I got to his & went no further than a kiss. Since then we have met out twice - on both occasions his GF wasn't out. We would dance together for most of the night, chat and kissed once. We seemed very "couple-ish". Each time he would ask me back to his - but I refused both times.

I'm finding the whole thing quite difficult. I never stopped have feelings for him but believe the feelings are under control - so much so that I can refuse to sleep with him. He continually tells me how he really "loves" his GF, but that there's always going to be an attraction there between us. I would never sleep with him whilst he has a GF. I would hope that even if they broke up I wouldn't go back there because I know it would end up in heartbreak - and there's no way I can go through all of that again with him.

I know it's a dangerous game we're playing, but I can't help but enjoy spending time with him - I know I'm playing with fire though. Is it a bad thing to keep going as we are or should I just text him and tell him that we have to keep our distance and not see each other anymore? I haven't been in a rship since him; he has been in 3! Any thoughts?!

Cut ties with him.

He's cheated on his gf, he'd do the same to you.

Time to move on for once. You'll get over him.

Also kissing him while he has a gf is bad too. How would you like it?

Lorna123

You are trying to convince yourself that he loves you, but he doesn't. He has told you he really loves his current g/f, although his actions prove otherwise. Count yourself lucky because even if you were with him he would cheat on you too. Steer clear of him in the future if you want to get over him. He is dangling you on a string and you are allowing him to do that. So the sooner you cop on to this the better for you. What we can't have is always very attractive. You need to stop wasting your time with thoughts of ever having this guy as your own. He has no qualms about telling you that he really loves his g/f so if you still entertain him you are just asking for trouble. He is just trying to see can he win you over again and that would be a feather in his cap but the minute that happens he would lose interest in you and you would feel like a doormat. Do you honestly want to go down that road, because that is where you are heading, and make no mistake about it. He is telling you he is still attracted to you and why wouldn't he be but that doesn't give him the right to mess you around. He prefers his current g/f. That should be enough for you to take a bit of pride in yourself and stop being a doormat for him. You can do better for yourself. He will not respect you if you end up in bed with him, knowing that this is going nowhere. You need to have more respect for yourself and find someone who is going to love you and be faithful to you.

Merkin

ConfusedGirl! wrote: »

Is it a bad thing to keep going as we are or should I just text him and tell him that we have to keep our distance and not see each other anymore? I haven't been in a rship since him; he has been in 3! Any thoughts?!

Thoughts? Yes, plenty. He sounds like a cheating, greasy, sleazeball and you need to cop yourself on. This creep that you seem so smitten with has absolutely no respect for you, for his current girlfriend or anyone else it would seem. He dumped you unceremoniously and then as soon as his poor unsuspecting girlfriend turns her back for five minutes he's asking you back for a seedy legover and you're wondering that to do? Seriously?

Grab some self respect and tell him to fcuk off and leave you alone. You in the meantime maybe need to realise that the nice guys like Gary deserve a chance but that says more about your self esteem than anything else. I understand that you think this whole sleazy set-up with Tom seems so exciting but it's actually not at all. He seems like a dog on heat (and I wouldn't sleep with him because he is probably riddled with God knows what) who doesn't care who he hurts in order to fulfil his own needs. He sounds vile. Take off your rose-tinted spectacles and see this for what it is. A pathetic man-boy who can't keep it in his pants for five minutes chancing his luck with someone who he knows to be smitten with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the replies! Pretty clear what I have to do!

The only reason I was playing along with him was because I simply enjoyed the excitement of it again. I have no ties to anyone, so just enjoyed the harmless flirting whilst I was free & single! I would NEVER sleep with him again - whether he's still with his current GF or even if he was single again. I know he sees me as a "challenge" because of this. I think I'm a lot more aware of his antics than he realises. I'm certainly not letting myself get emotionally attached to him again because he's hurt me once & I certainly am not going through all that again.

I know exactly what he's like. He's a player and to be honest can't see that ever changing. He has a lot of stuff going on in his family which he uses as an excuse for the way he behaves. But I'm always really blunt with him when he starts bringing that up - it should be a reason for him NOT to be behave like he is. Just going to text him and tell him we have to keep our distance and cut all ties. He can find someone else to toy about with!

Forever Hopeful

Agree with everyone so far. Op, this guy is a creep! You will get burned and burned badly. Wake up... This guy has fundamental problems and is a charmer. No good can come of it and I've seen so many girls waste years on a$$es like these when really good guys like Gary find gorgeous girls and end up blissful. You will regret that!

maria34

hey OP,

i absolutely understand, you cant help your head. i have been in similar situation (and my "charmer" wasnt even that bad, didnt bring me to his and gfs apartment for a quickie), so i know how difficult it is when you're obsessed with someone. its soooooooooooooo hard to let it go.

you have to. it is hard, heartbreaking, but you will laugh about it in a year. just let it go. tell him to feck off. even if you "get" him, he will cheat on you. its harder when you are connected with him in the future - with the baby, morgage etc. just let it go. he is an asshole.


<Mod Note:
maria34 - please don't use text speak, it is not welcome in PI per our charter. Thanks Taltos>

astonaidan

This may be harsh, but if I saw one of my sisters acting like this around an obvious tosser, Id give them a swift kick up the arse!
The guys a tool and well your as big as one trying to reason it out, hes cheating on his girlfriend with you plain and simple.

LegacyUser

I'm far from obsessed with Tom. When we broke up first I was certainly very upset about it - and it took longer than I thought to get over him. But I'm definitely over him at this stage. These recent events have just proved to me that - although it was upsetting - breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened. He's not capable of being in a honest relationship. And at this stage, that's what I'm after.

Equally I don't think it would be good to have stayed with Gary - because I wasn't attracted to him, and that would have been unfair on both of us! I'm just looking for a happy medium - a nice guy but also one I have a spark/chemistry with! I have met one guy who I really clicked with - could chat so easily with and really felt that spark there, but unfortunately it fizzled! Onwards & upwards!

Dr_Brian_Cocks

ConfusedGirl! wrote: »

I'm far from obsessed with Tom. When we broke up first I was certainly very upset about it - and it took longer than I thought to get over him. But I'm definitely over him at this stage. These recent events have just proved to me that - although it was upsetting - breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened. He's not capable of being in a honest relationship. And at this stage, that's what I'm after.

Equally I don't think it would be good to have stayed with Gary - because I wasn't attracted to him, and that would have been unfair on both of us! I'm just looking for a happy medium - a nice guy but also one I have a spark/chemistry with! I have met one guy who I really clicked with - could chat so easily with and really felt that spark there, but unfortunately it fizzled! Onwards & upwards!

Good woman. Don't entertain Tom at all.