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back in a place I thought I'd left behind

  • 01-04-2013 10:11am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm a woman in my late twenties & I can say now that I've had low self-esteem & episodes of depression for most of my life. I decided to tackle it a couple of years ago & saw some good results but over the past few months I feel all of my hard work is unraveling, and I feel in despair over it.

    I was so depressed over the weekend that I just wanted to opt out of life- but i know that I won't do that, as I would never want to hurt my loved ones. I just want to run away from my own head & some people in my life, even though they are not bad people. I have a good life- I have a good job, I'm studying to change my career & saving for a mortgage. I have some very close friends & loads of acquaintances. I make friends easily, I'm told I'm fun, smart, confident, attractive etc but I just feel like I'm never enough for anybody or myself. Even when I feel in top form, I just don't feel like it's enough. I feel like people only want me around to make them feel better.

    I had a bit of a drink fuelled breakd down at the weekend & I'm so embarrassed about it. My friends were nice about it but it's like their actions don't match their words. I just desperately wanted one of them to just hug me, or call me or jst anything but it never happened. I feel so lonely, especially when I am around people. I had been seeing a guy for a couple of months, that ended but we've remained good friends & have become very close over the past couple of months. I've never felt like this about anyone & it kills me sometimes that I'm 'just his friend'. I just don't feel good enough, especially around him, yet I value the friendship & don't want it to end. I don't even know what to say to him so I'm avoiding him at the moment.

    It's not all bad. I have a couple of friends who've recognised how i'm feeling & I think they genuinely care about me. I feel like a burden on them & i feel that people jst think I'm attention seeking. I have to do something for myself to get myself out of this. I see a counsellor regularly & while she helps, I just don't know how to start believing that I'm good enough as I am or that I'm loveable or valuable. I can't see what others see in me & I don't even know where to start. I hate that I'm back feeling this way. It scares me so much as the last time I felt like this, I got so bad I was suicidal. I'm afraid I'm always going to be like this. I just don't know what to do anymore


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Your not alone. I've struggled with untreated depression and suicidal thoughts for 10 years and every time I think I've beaten it something just pulls me back in. These past few months I've been really questioning myself after meeting someone I'm just not good enough for. Hang in there and take comfort in knowing that a lot of people struggle like this the same way as you and that things do get better even though they don't seem that way right now.

    As for your friend, in my experience if a man and a woman get close to each other then there is a connection. The only thing that holds relationships like that back is both of you are afraid to say something about it.


  • #3
    greengirl31
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭greengirl31


    I am in my mid-30’s and I’ve had a couple of bouts of depression in my life the first of which went untreated for about 5 years (very miserable years too). I had lots of the same feelings that you both describe in your posts. I had everything going for me yet why was I so unhappy !!!! When I was eventually diagnosed and treated it made a huge difference. I took anti-depressants for a short time (about 6 mths) and went to counselling. It wasn’t easy but I recovered and I was great again for another few years. When I was 30, i went through a terrible break up and found I needed help again. So off I went to the GP and the same cycle started again – medication and counselling. I can feel the depression creeping back again now si I’ve made an appointment with my GP and my councillor so hopefully by catching it early this time it won’t take me too long to get back.

    So my advice to you would be - talk to someone. Your friends can listen but you may need more than that. I know how difficult it can be to make the first step and ask for help but trust me, it makes all the difference!! Depression is an illness and if it’s left untreated, like any illness, it can become very serious.

    Best of luck


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