Am I justified in being annoyed?

LegacyUser

Sorry about this being so long! going unreg for this as I don't want anyone in real life knowing who I am. :pac:


I dated a guy, about 2 years ago. He was what I suppose you'd call emotionally abusive. He would do things like tell me I enjoyed being raped, after I opened up to him about my past. He'd give me sh!t for losing weight, I found out after that this was because he is a 'feeder' type of person, and hated the fact that I wasn't morbidly obese anymore. He'd insult me frequently, passing it off as jokes, and would try to force me to cut contact with friends, both male and female, because he thought I'd sleep with them, even though I'm straight, so would never sleep with a woman anyway! There were a LOT more incidents, none violent, but very fcuked up emotionally/mentally, which I can't get into as it easily identifies him, and thus me.

Anyway, I dumped him after the 'you enjoyed being raped' comment. I found out after I dumped him that he was having an 'online affair' (lol!) with a girl from his home country (America) while he was with me. I cut contact, he moved to Florida to be with the girl, that was that.

A year and a half later, he messaged me to apologise for everything and try to make amends. I accepted his apology and we had some infrequent chit chat through Facebook, nothing much.

One day, despite still being with the girl he 'cheated' on me with (and living with her!), he started telling me that his relationship is rubbish and he misses me. I ignored it. He then messaged me several times after that, on more than one day, to tell me he loves me. I ignored these comments, too. This was all a few weeks ago.

Fast forward to a few days ago, and my close friend has told me she 'fancies' my ex. She knows everything that happened between us, but apparently they've been in contact for a few months without me knowing. I think it's a bit ridiculous as they're thousands of miles apart and neither of them have jobs or anything, but whatever keeps them happy. I was annoyed though, and said that I wouldn't support her on this one. I've supported her through all of her relationships (she gets into a new one every few months, gets jealous, possessive and insecure, and they all dump her in the end).

She and I were texting about this, and I didn't say a bad word about either of them, but HE then messaged me, she had forwarded all of the texts to him. He started trying to question me about why I didn't approve. I just refused to answer and told him that I didn't want to speak to him.

I've not spoken to either of them in the few days since this happening. Am I justified in being annoyed, though? Every time I log on to Facebook, she has posted statuses about how she's found the most perfect man and it 'terrifies' her how good he is. This happens every time she meets a new man, but because of who it is, my blood is boiling!

I don't see any point in having it out with either of them. He's cheating scum, she's an immature idiot with no sense of morals as far as I'm concerned. Harsh, I know, but they've both given me plenty of reason to think this way. Am I justified in being angry, though? I know I have the right to feel however I want to feel, but honestly, do any of you think it's justified? While I'm very angry at her, I don't want him hurting her. She's a pretty messed up individual, and he could very easily take advantage of that. :-/

The other question is, should I delete them both from my Facebook page? I don't use Facebook often, but when I do use it, I don't particularly want to see their statuses about each other. His girlfriend thinks his statuses are about her!

If I wanted, I could go down the route of contacting his girlfriend, as I have screen shots of him repeatedly telling me how much he hates his girlfriend and how much he loves me, but that's much too petty as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, sorry about the huge rant. I haven't spoken to anyone about it, so I guess I had to get it all out. :pac: Any advice/opinions would be much appreciated.

Raminahobbin

Jesus OP! :eek: he sounds like a completely toxic person and fair play to you for recognising it and stepping away from it all.

From his side, I would be suspicious that he was trying to weasel his way back into your life through your friend. From her side, especially if she knows everything he has said/done to you, it speaks volumes about her self-worth and confidence issues that she would gravitate towards an abusive person knowing full well what he's like. If she has a tendency towards being a drama queen/attention seeker (sounds like it from her FB status') then being abused like you were would feed in to any victim complex she may have.

Either way, OP, if I were you, I'd cut and run. I've heard it said that you are the sum of the 5 people closest to you- if you are working on getting to a healthier emotional place then it would seem inevitable that you may need to cut out one or two people who hold you back from this. She definitely feels like someone who may do this. There's no point in trying to 'make her see sense' because we all learn our own lessons at our own pace and she's ignoring the evidence for her own reasons.

I'm not sure you should even bother explaining it to her again and having a final 'fight' as it seems like you might just support her need for drama by doing so. Just cut her out of your head and move on.

Neyite

I personally would keep the lines of communication open for your friend. By cutting her off, her abuser gets to isolate her more and control her more, so in effect, you are playing into his hands. She will need friends when he is finished with her, and while she is not much of a friend to you now, you have been where she is now, immersed in lies and promises and getting her head messed up.

Given the distance, it will likely come to nothing, and I suspect he targeted her purely to have it feed back to you and hurt you for dumping him, and its working a charm. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

What I would do is minimise your facebook settings so that they are still on your friends list, but you dont see any of their PDA updates or whatever. Dont send any more texts to her, as they only get passed on to him, but either ring her or meet her for coffee and wish her well and let her know you will always be there for her but you have no interest in hearing about this relationship or him, and spend less time with her after this.

And then wait. Wait for him to get fed up, or for your friend to see sense.

ElleEm

Wow, OP, what a f*cked up situation you are in. And a big giant WELL DONE for getting out of such a harmful, unhealthy relationship.

Raminahobbin wrote: »

Jesus OP! :eek: he sounds like a completely toxic person and fair play to you for recognising it and stepping away from it all.

From his side, I would be suspicious that he was trying to weasel his way back into your life through your friend. From her side, especially if she knows everything he has said/done to you, it speaks volumes about her self-worth and confidence issues that she would gravitate towards an abusive person knowing full well what he's like. If she has a tendency towards being a drama queen/attention seeker (sounds like it from her FB status') then being abused like you were would feed in to any victim complex she may have.

Either way, OP, if I were you, I'd cut and run. I've heard it said that you are the sum of the 5 people closest to you- if you are working on getting to a healthier emotional place then it would seem inevitable that you may need to cut out one or two people who hold you back from this. She definitely feels like someone who may do this. There's no point in trying to 'make her see sense' because we all learn our own lessons at our own pace and she's ignoring the evidence for her own reasons.

I'm not sure you should even bother explaining it to her again and having a final 'fight' as it seems like you might just support her need for drama by doing so. Just cut her out of your head and move on.

I would echo this, OP. Abusers are so manipulative, and by the sounds of it, his messages started a few months ago, as did his contact with your "friend". I would be concerned that he is purely contacting her to affect you, and she is so vulnerable that she doesn't cop it.

Neyite wrote: »

I personally would keep the lines of communication open for your friend. By cutting her off, her abuser gets to isolate her more and control her more, so in effect, you are playing into his hands. She will need friends when he is finished with her, and while she is not much of a friend to you now, you have been where she is now, immersed in lies and promises and getting her head messed up.

Given the distance, it will likely come to nothing, and I suspect he targeted her purely to have it feed back to you and hurt you for dumping him, and its working a charm. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

What I would do is minimise your facebook settings so that they are still on your friends list, but you dont see any of their PDA updates or whatever. Dont send any more texts to her, as they only get passed on to him, but either ring her or meet her for coffee and wish her well and let her know you will always be there for her but you have no interest in hearing about this relationship or him, and spend less time with her after this.

And then wait. Wait for him to get fed up, or for your friend to see sense.

In theory, isolating someone who is at risk of entering into an abusive relationship is a bad idea, but the OP needs to look after herself. After all, she was in a relationship with this guy who was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. It was only two years ago, so I can imagine it is still very fresh. She should really be distancing herself from him and all that he is. It sounds like the friend is messed up, and by the looks of it (FB statuses about the "perfect man") she lacks compassion and tact. To me, messed up or not, she is not a friend. In a "normal" situation, any good friend would not go after an ex, but this friend is aware of how he abused and mistreated the OP. I think she has some cheek to even mention his name to the OP.

OP, you have every right to be angry about this. I think the healthiest option for you would be to cut ALL contact with this guy (FB, delete his number and any texts or emails you get), he is pure poison, and being in contact with him is likely to hurt you more. If I was in your position, I would cut contact with your friend too. You could contact her and tell her that while she continues her contact with him, you will be unavailable to her. I think that would be more decency than she deserves, to be honest.
You could do what Neyite says, and stay friends with her under the condition that she never mentions your ex, but the liklihood of her doing that is slim, going on what you have said about her jealous, possessive behaviour. It would also be hard to trust her considering she sent him the messages you sent her. These people are not kind, and neither of them really seem to give a sh!t about you.

Mind yourself x

blatantrereg

annoyedlady wrote: »

Am I justified in being angry, though? I know I have the right to feel however I want to feel, but honestly, do any of you think it's justified? While I'm very angry at her, I don't want him hurting her. She's a pretty messed up individual, and he could very easily take advantage of that. :-/

Yes.

The other question is, should I delete them both from my Facebook page? I don't use Facebook often, but when I do use it, I don't particularly want to see their

I think that would be a good idea.

If I wanted, I could go down the route of contacting his girlfriend, as I have screen shots of him repeatedly telling me how much he hates his girlfriend and how much he loves me, but that's much too petty as far as I'm concerned.

Good that you're not going to do that. It would be a bad idea. Best thing is not to engage at all.

Your friend's behaviour is questionable. Reflects a lack of consideration for you and for what you say at best, and I think funny games or a bizarre form of one-upmanship is much more likely. Let her make her own bed - not your problem. You'll regret getting involved if you do. Just ditch them both. Good riddance.

username123

blatantrereg wrote: »

Let her make her own bed - not your problem. You'll regret getting involved if you do. Just ditch them both. Good riddance.

Best advice here. You dont need either of these toxic influences in your life.

I read the opening post and just thought it sounded like a LOT of drama (facebook statuses on being terrified about the perfect man - seriously, do people really behave like this in real life?).

Its all very teenage angst and drama (not your behaviour but your ex's and your friends), forwarding text messages, him wanting to know why you dont approve etc...

Lets be clear here - these people are not even physically in the same place, so this is all the buzzing of wasps in a jar.

Put them both out of your life, nothing good can come of this.

December2012

Get rid of both of them. They are bringing stress to your life.

thefeatheredcat

annoyedlady wrote: »

One day, despite still being with the girl he 'cheated' on me with (and living with her!), he started telling me that his relationship is rubbish and he misses me. I ignored it. He then messaged me several times after that, on more than one day, to tell me he loves me. I ignored these comments, too. This was all a few weeks ago.

Fast forward to a few days ago, and my close friend has told me she 'fancies' my ex. She knows everything that happened between us, but apparently they've been in contact for a few months without me knowing.

How much does your ex know about your friend prior to them having contact? Does he know what she is like, did you ever kind of give out about her to him re other relationships she had?

There's escalation in his behaviour in contacting you, forcing contact with you, forcing back into your life indirectly. But your friend is no fool either, a man is taking interest in her and rather than questioning why and given she does know of the abusive way he treated you, she's side stepping that in favour of lapping up this relationship and the attention that goes with it. She goes through a cycle in a relationship with insecurity and jealousy....... it sounds to me given she is getting herself involved with a nasty piece of work despite knowing about him and what he's like, she has self esteem issues and is insecure generally, otherwise she wouldn't be finding herself involved with him.

annoyedlady wrote: »

I've supported her through all of her relationships (she gets into a new one every few months, gets jealous, possessive and insecure, and they all dump her in the end).

She and I were texting about this, and I didn't say a bad word about either of them, but HE then messaged me, she had forwarded all of the texts to him. He started trying to question me about why I didn't approve. I just refused to answer and told him that I didn't want to speak to him.

I wouldn't be at all surprised that sending on the texts was not by her choice, but with great convincing and manipulation from him. I wouldn't be surprised that he is manipulating her, possibly with indirect threats of ending contact which makes her insecure but willing to protect and do what he wants her to do.

My greatest worry is that while your friend is going to need a friend and she will after what she possibly may go through with him (the abusive part of him may not rear until she is well suckered in) what worries me is the type of person she is and how she behaves in relationships. While it doesn't appear that the actual girlfriend of your ex has crossed her mind, she is facilitating contact and information about you to him, which she shouldn't be but which I suspect will make you a target of her jealously and insecurity if he persists contact with you. And rather than seeing him as the problem, she will see you as the problem.

annoyedlady wrote: »

If I wanted, I could go down the route of contacting his girlfriend, as I have screen shots of him repeatedly telling me how much he hates his girlfriend and how much he loves me, but that's much too petty as far as I'm concerned.

I wouldn't go down that road at all. It will just bring you a load of hassle and implicate yourself in a drama that has enough willing and unwilling participants. It would come off very petty but would show you as you don't want to be, which is jealous and meddling in a concern that is not yours. And no doubt, whatever he will say to the girlfriend will undo any good intention, he will just paint you as the psycho ex who couldn't let go and that ye made it up all between ye scamming him and he'll make himself out to be the victim of a prank created by both of you. I know that's not true, but that is how he will play it to the girlfriend.

I'm not sure about facebook and deleting them as friends, if anger was my motivation and reason for doing so, I would sit on it for a while and re-evaluate how I feel after a few days.

I would exercise extreme caution with your friend..... if she knows or can guess passwords to various accounts, you might be wise to change them... if she's willing to forward on personal texts between you and her, and probably with pressure and manipulation from his side, who knows what else she might do both under manipulation and of her own choice? If he's fishing for information about you from her, that's good reason to keep distance.

I would be in two minds about ending friendship with her....because I would worry about her, but she is an adult and free to make her own choices.

I would say, you must do what is best for yourself, what is healthiest for you and if that means getting both rid out of your life, do it.

I don't see this going anywhere but a bad place. Your friend is aware of what happened between you and your ex, you voiced your reservations about him to her. She doesn't want to listen, but most likely if she believes he is the "perfect" man she will want to believe that so much that she'll put up with any abuse. More than likely the insecure person she becomes in a relationship that generally causes it to end will keep this relationship going, because someone who is abusive will keep the relationship going if they are getting what they need, someone to put down and a verbal punchbag to make themselves happier about themselves.

I would be in agreement that ending the friendship and cutting contact will result in her being pushed more towards him but you can walk away from the situation with the pair of them yet leave a door open for her.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here, thanks for all the replies! I would thank them all properly, but that'd give my identity away. :pac:

I appreciate all the responses a lot. Neyite hit the nail on the head, the reason I've been debating cutting contact with the girl is because she is throwing herself into what could potentially be an abusive relationship, and I know how that feels, so I want to be there for her.

However, this is not the first time she's done something like this. The text thing, I don't think he pressured her into doing it. She would regularly show me screen shots and texts of conversations she had with mutual friends, and even with people I didn't know, purely because she's nuts for causing drama and gossiping. I'm not painting her in a very good light here, but she is a nice girl. She just has her flaws, I suppose. She's attention seeking in the extreme, I've literally never met somebody as desperate for attention, good or bad, as she is. That is the main reason I'm torn. I mean, yes, I want to be there for her, but ultimately, I know she will happily do something like this again if/when she gets away from this guy. I have asked both her and the guy not to talk to me about each other, but she is refusing to respect my wishes, although, surprisingly, he is doing as I asked.

Do you guys think it'd be okay to send her a message saying something like 'Hi XXXXXXXX, I know you have feelings for YYYYYYY and I respect that, I really do. At the same time, you need to understand and respect the fact that I do not want to hear about you and YYYYYY. I asked you not to speak to me about him, but you continued to do it anyway. I want to be there for you if you ever need me, but right now, there's very little I can do without ending up hurt myself. For that reason, I am deleting you from Facebook and deleting your number. I am not blocking you on FB, or your number, because I WILL still be there for you if you need me, but I can't be while you're involved with YYYYYYY.' Does that sound okay?

As for getting out of things with him, it was easy for me. I'm mentally healthy, I just didn't know what he was like at the start. After a few months of crap, I walked. Because I have no mental or emotional issues, I found it easy, thankfully. The rape comment was enough to infuriate me to the point where I left and never looked back, thankfully. I appreciate the 'well done' comments, but in this case, they're probably not as justified as when somebody really struggles to leave a bad relationship, because I didn't struggle. I walked, I never looked back, and it didn't affect me for more than a few weeks, thankfully.


Last bit to add to this - my ex contacted me this morning, on Skype. I told him that I didn't want to speak to him about my friend, and he respected that and didn't mention her, except to say that he is going to ensure that nothing happens between them. I pointed out that her statuses on Facebook would make it seem that something already has happened, at least emotionally for her. He then said that he won't even attempt to go further with her, but that he is going to break up with his girlfriend regardless, because he 'still loves' me. Love was never a word that came up in our relationship. I never loved him, and I assumed he never loved me, but either he is trying to manipulate me, or me cutting contact with him made him realise what he threw away. Either way, I told him in no uncertain terms that I am never, ever going to take him back. He seemed to accept that, but for how long that acceptance lasts is anyone's guess!

Thanks again for all the advice. I appreciate it a lot.

hoodwinked

Neyite wrote: »

And then wait. Wait for him to get fed up, or for your friend to see sense.

ElleEm wrote: »

OP, you have every right to be angry about this. I think the healthiest option for you would be to cut ALL contact with this guy (FB, delete his number and any texts or emails you get), he is pure poison, and being in contact with him is likely to hurt you more. If I was in your position, I would cut contact with your friend too. You could contact her and tell her that while she continues her contact with him, you will be unavailable to her. I think that would be more decency than she deserves, to be honest.
You could do what Neyite says, and stay friends with her under the condition that she never mentions your ex, but the liklihood of her doing that is slim, going on what you have said about her jealous, possessive behaviour. It would also be hard to trust her considering she sent him the messages you sent her. These people are not kind, and neither of them really seem to give a sh!t about you.

Mind yourself x

^ these are bang on.

Op having been in a simular situation i had to send a text to a friend like the one above, she did not take it well and blocked me on facebook (so be prepared for that) but honestly i had to do it as she wasn't being a friend to me (like you she would show all texts to her boyfriend - he was only my former friend though) but still it showed the lack of respect she had for me.


normally she was one of my best friends and the other i havent been as close to because its awkward now the group is split. but i couldn't stay friends with the way she was behaving since she started an inappropriate relationship.

unfortunately waiting is all you can do, but at least you know it will definately fizzle out the way these things always do. and you can always hope she starts behaving normally again.

in the mean time put yourself first because if you don't you'll only tear yourself apart,go meet new friends, live your life, good luck op

Kold

No offence op but the company you keep seem to be all kinds of messed up. If I were you I'd take a step back and try to figure out why... You've every right to feel annoyed but if they're so adamant there's little you can do but speak your mind.

LittleBook

annoyedlady wrote: »

I have asked both her and the guy not to talk to me about each other, but she is refusing to respect my wishes, although, surprisingly, he is doing as I asked.

... my ex contacted me this morning, on Skype. I told him that I didn't want to speak to him about my friend, and he respected that and didn't mention her, except to say that he is going to ensure that nothing happens between them. I pointed out that her statuses on Facebook would make it seem that something already has happened, at least emotionally for her. He then said that he won't even attempt to go further with her, but that he is going to break up with his girlfriend regardless, because he 'still loves' me.

I can understand why you are keeping the lines of communication open with your friend, but why on earth do you continue to have any contact with this man?

I would also be concerned that if he's adamant about dumping his girlfriend in Florida and clearly sowing the seeds of a relationship near you (in spite of what he says, he tried with you now he's trying with your friend ... and you!) that sooner or later he'll be back in your area.

Have a think about the possibility that you're entertaining him because he's so far away (for now) but there's a real possibility that he'll be back.