Constantly Leads Me On Only to Draw Back

LegacyUser

I've known this guy for 7 years and over that period, he has led me on 5 or 6 times only to change his mind at the last minute. Nothing physical has ever happened between us, I think he has tried a couple of times but I've always felt too unsure of whether he liked me or not. Everyone says he is very shy and useless with women, but I find him mega-flirty. We've been on a few dates over the years, and on holiday with a group of friends, when at the urging of everyone who knows us, when we sitting alone on a bench together, I stroked his back and suggested we had a little kiss. He seemed horrified and said the immortal words "I don't want to give the wrong impression". I was mortified and extremely hurt. He later tried to hug me, but I wasn't having any of it. I then found out he was on a dating site, forgot about him and got married. But we do the same sport (mountain biking) and we bump into each other quite a bit.

Hes 8 years younger than me, although I look ridiculous young for my age, so my guess, since we get on so well, was that this is whats putting him off.

To be honest, I got married to the next guy I met, I never had strong feelings of love for him like I do this guy, but everyone told me to forget about him and settle down. After a year, we separated. I just didn't enjoy being with him and kept thinking about the other guy and didn't think it was fair. The other guy, as soon as he heard I had got married, had started hanging around me, gazing at me, mega flirty again. He arranged to come on holiday with the same small group of friends again, and we had a brilliant week, I've never felt such a connection with anyone before or so happy with someone. When we got back, he texted me to ask me out on a date. I said yes, then 24 hours later he sent me a blunt text telling me he had "changed his mind".

I was upset, but stayed calm, texted him to say that was a pity and I was sorry about that. He literally then disappeared for 3 months off the face of the earth. I texted him once during this time and he didn't reply. So I assumed he must have met someone else. However he then turned up one day at a competition I was doing to spectate, staring at me and so on. Unfortunately my ex was there as he'd given me a lift, and the other guy told me he had been going to ask me out as it was his birthday, looked terribly upset and just slunk off.

Two days later he contacted one of the mutual friends we'd been on holiday with to say he had a long term girlfriend and to invite them out to a meal to meet her. I was of course excluded. The mutual friend told him he was busy and didn't go, so now the situation 6 months later is that no-one has ever seen him with the long term girlfriend. I had no idea he had a girlfriend, I got such a shock I lost 4kg in a fortnight. I was really upset. The next time I saw him, I told him I was horrified, and I wanted no more to do with him. He said to me it wasn't a serious thing, he didn't see himself getting married or having children, and it "didn't matter"! And that he would "still see me at competitions". So I managed to get things civil with him again, because basically when I fall out with him I feel guilty as hell and worse than I do now.

I've had counselling and seen a hypnotist, and the outcome of both of those was that I should once and for all tell the guy how I felt about him, because his actions indicated he liked me but was too shy or intimidated by me to do anything about it. So I texted him to say I was sorry for any misunderstanding, but I had separated and was single now, it made me really happy spending time with him, but he would need to make the first move because he was the man and I wasn't self confident enough to. No reply. Today, 2 1/2 weeks later, I got my "reply" - we were at a big competition, and he completely and utterly blanked me. I was so hurt and embarrassed. Mutual friends were there commenting on how odd he was behaving, and they must think I'm stalking him and he is avoiding me.

How should I proceed? I'm pretty sure he will come back again 6 months, or a year from now with his flirting, and I still love the guy - its my weakness. The best idea I've had so far is to move abroad! (and I'm not joking about that). The only reason I'm not crawling up the wall with devastation (and believe me, I'm sitting here in tears as usual) is that its happened so often before with him, I hardly react now.

Any thoughts? I feel as if everything I know about human behaviour has been muddled up, I feel like I'm an old has been and people are laughing at me for being single (I don't even have any female friends who are single). Oh God, its just awful.

dellas1979

Sorry just to grasp. What ages are you both (if he is 8 years younger).

LegacyUser

Hes 32, I'm 40.

LegacyUser

OP, your story is scarily similar to mine. Either its the same guy, or there are more of them out there!

2 years ago, I met a guy I really liked. He then basically told me he didnt want anything with me. He then got back in contact, properly, and basically then did the same thing, only happened recently. Also, like you, nothing physical has ever happened.

Like you, he is my weakness. Ive had long relationships, Ive dated, and always this guy is in my mind. I hate falling out with him, like you. Im scared to "rock the boat" incase I never speak to him again. Id be devastated. I know where he stands. He'll never give me what I want. But I think I fell in love with him the first moment I met him. I do wonder is it love though, or not getting what I want that persists this heartache. How can you love someone who doesnt want you?

I know I am the one ultimaltely persisting the heartache, but I dont know what to do either. Just wanted to say that you are not alone.

thalia_13

Been there myself, though I wasnt married, he is playing you. He has seen you like him, you have an element of vulnerability and he seems to be using you to stroke his ego.

All I can advise is that you be strong, avoid any contact with him outside of your mutual competitions, be civil but keep it curt.

You need to love yourself and be kind to yourself and do your best to move forward.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation but thank god I didn't know him for as long as you have this guy. I loved him though and experienced a lot of what you have gone through (lost weight, tears...etc).

Ok so he flirts etc, he probably does find you attractive and you do probably have a connection (you say he doesn't seem as flirtatious with other women) but for whatever reason there is something missing (e.g. even if it is that he is intimidated by you this shows an incompatibility imo). It currently is not the type of connection that would sustain a functioning relationship. He gets enjoyment out of your flirtation and obviously you do too, up to a point. However now it is clearly destroying you more than anything and I doubt he is crying over it.Does this not make you feel hurt? To think you feel this way and (judging by his actions) he may not be giving it a second thought?

Personally I think if you feel he can't make a decision then you need to remove yourself from the equation and then the decision is made for him. Walk away/cut contact.
You are only giving him power by letting him know you still hold a flame for him, and he definitely knows the extent of it so I would scrap the idea of any big declarations to him. Take comfort in the fact that you will have walked away and that will hit him like a tonne of bricks. He is the one who is used to you looking for validation off him. If you do this it wouldn't surprised me if he upped the flirting/contact but you need to tell yourself he is no good for you. You can't be friends with someone you desire that way and he doesn't deserve to have you pining for him. The only way out is to take the ball into your own court and leave the game. Would you want someone like that anyway? Someone who sees love as a game? You would never have a stable relationship with him, you would be worried all the time.

That is what I did,I walked away, I still think of the guy but I have comfort in knowing I had the last say and his attempts at further flirtation were met with coldness. It is extremely difficult but you need to put yourself first. If he loved you he wouldn't let you walk away after all this time. Just not meant to be OP.

It's a clichéd saying but "if you keep doing what you have always done you will keep getting what you always got".

Take care, I know its so hard.
Make the right choice so you can hold your head up high xx

LegacyUser

Oh no, I'm not even going to be friendly towards him when I see him next. I'll be going out of my way not to bump into him. The counsellor suggested the text I sent him because it flushes his behaviour out into the open...

You've got to realise that until I went on holiday with him, I didn't really know him that well. But I still don't know whether (a) he is a player who has a long term girlfriend and that explains his behaviour or (b) if he really is useless with women and is only friends with this woman, like with me. He has told me he is attracted to me, and I then said we should get it out of our systems but he said that wasn't the type of guy he was. I've seen him blank another woman in public, funnily enough one he used to talk about all the time to me, and I really felt for her. It was horrible.

Hes got mad jealous and sort of stalked me a couple of times in the past when he hasn't had much attention off me.

The reason I've been sympathetic towards him is that I've always felt I was dealing with a very shy, reserved, sensitive person. Possibly with Aspergers or suchlike. I really think he doesn't mean to be unkind.

me.Too - yeah, we've not bonded because we've never been physical. Still, on holiday we bonded so much we were really close, but could be because I was right there at that time. Despite all his problems, virtually every woman that knows him thinks the sun shines out of him - hes very good looking, charismatic, mysterious and unthreatening. Sad to say, most of his male friends drop him eventually - two asked me out, one after apologising for his behaviour. I turned them down.

That's what I mean when I say I'll never get away from him unless I move abroad. He enjoys it too much - he'll always start it up again. He seems to think I'm happy to flirt with him, although I get nothing out of it, when in actual fact I hate it. After him turning me down on the first holiday, I didn't speak to him for about a year and avoided him, and he really chased after me. Then he just disappeared for 3 months - I've become friendly with his "wingman" who says he was definitely going to ask me out that day, but he saw me with my ex... The girlfriend apparently lives in a town 250 miles away and hes never seen her yet.

LegacyUser

Sorry to read about this sort of stuff on here because it reminds me of how I really messed around someone in a very similar way. I could go into the rights and wrongs of it, but ultimately the only solution to my messing was when she cut contact completely.

Now, I'm sure in lots of ways I was a "good" friend to her, we supported each other through stuff etc but eventually she came to realise that the friendship could never be a real one and since it couldn't go further it really had nowhere to go. I know it hurt her to cut me out of her life, and it has hurt me too but I'm also sure she's happier without me building her up only to walk away every few months.

All you can do OP, is cut him out. I'm sure you'll miss him, and I'm sure he'll miss you in his own way, but you have to do what's right for you.

And, on the assumption people might ask why I never made things serious with my friend, it just never quite came to pass, drama/other relationships on both sides etc. Looking back somewhat objectively I can really appreciate how much I must have made her "feel second best" but in the day to day run of the friendship I didn't really have that perspective. From my perspective, I doubt your friend is trying to hurt you, but does that matter? He is hurting you and the only cure is to cut him out and get yourself free from him.

Good luck, cutting someone out hurts both sides but it's still the best, only option.

LegacyUser

Beenthatguy wrote: »

And, on the assumption people might ask why I never made things serious with my friend, it just never quite came to pass, drama/other relationships on both sides etc. Looking back somewhat objectively I can really appreciate how much I must have made her "feel second best" but in the day to day run of the friendship I didn't really have that perspective. From my perspective, I doubt your friend is trying to hurt you, but does that matter? He is hurting you and the only cure is to cut him out and get yourself free from him.

Cheers Beenthatguy. that helped. Hes into every internet dating site, ceroc dancing class, and so on that exists, and I suspect that's much of the problem. Its quite off-putting.

I get the feeling he can't quite be hard enough to cut me out completely, and vice versa. I know he'll always try and come back with the "friends" line for his guilty conscience, but I'm kind of seeing him as a cheapskate now - he wants all the advantages of someone who loves him for who he is, without giving anything back.

kjl

Sorry to say this to you OP, but I just don't think he is into you. A guy can be flirty without being in love or even into the person they are flirting with.

He told you he wasn't interested, but you seem to keep going back for more punishment. As you said yourself you haven't even had one date with this guy. In my mind he doesn't owe you anything.

From the sounds of your post he is in another relationship and you are wondering why he is not ending it immediately and running to you.

Guys can downplay their relationships. I have often been in two places about my relationships only to realise later that I really like the person. Like he did introduce this girl to all his friends as his longterm girlfriend.

From what I have read in your post he has asked you out once, then later said it wouldn't be a good idea. How does this equate to 5 or 6 times?

I think you should just tell him how you feel and move on. Get some closure and forget about him.

Forever Hopeful

Op, what do you want? 7 years is a long time and you say this guy has let you down 5 or 6 times now.
I am surprised that you are even giving this guy the time of day. If a friend treated me like that they would be well shot not to mind a potential love interest.

Why are you in counselling? Sounds odd to me that the counsellor is suggesting you declare your feelings instead of working with you to identify why you are in love with someone who is mistreated you and still pursue it.
I am your age and have put up with this behaviour from guys in the past but now no more. I have no time for that cr*p.
Kjl, said it right... He's not into you.
At 32, being shy etc is no excuse. If a guy wants you, nothing stops him.
It's up to you if you want to waste time, energy and money on this.
I find that scenario exhausting. A guy who really cares about you doesn't blank you.
There is a quote from a cheesy movie which is very true 'every woman has the exact love life she wants'
You are choosing for this situation to be this way. You can choose to leave it but leaving a country over some guy you've never really been with is melodramatic IMO.

mood

CassandraTwo wrote: »

Oh no, I'm not even going to be friendly towards him when I see him next. I'll be going out of my way not to bump into him. The counsellor suggested the text I sent him because it flushes his behaviour out into the open...

You've got to realise that until I went on holiday with him, I didn't really know him that well. But I still don't know whether (a) he is a player who has a long term girlfriend and that explains his behaviour or (b) if he really is useless with women and is only friends with this woman, like with me. He has told me he is attracted to me, and I then said we should get it out of our systems but he said that wasn't the type of guy he was. I've seen him blank another woman in public, funnily enough one he used to talk about all the time to me, and I really felt for her. It was horrible.

Hes got mad jealous and sort of stalked me a couple of times in the past when he hasn't had much attention off me.

The reason I've been sympathetic towards him is that I've always felt I was dealing with a very shy, reserved, sensitive person. Possibly with Aspergers or suchlike. I really think he doesn't mean to be unkind.

me.Too - yeah, we've not bonded because we've never been physical. Still, on holiday we bonded so much we were really close, but could be because I was right there at that time. Despite all his problems, virtually every woman that knows him thinks the sun shines out of him - hes very good looking, charismatic, mysterious and unthreatening. Sad to say, most of his male friends drop him eventually - two asked me out, one after apologising for his behaviour. I turned them down.

That's what I mean when I say I'll never get away from him unless I move abroad. He enjoys it too much - he'll always start it up again. He seems to think I'm happy to flirt with him, although I get nothing out of it, when in actual fact I hate it. After him turning me down on the first holiday, I didn't speak to him for about a year and avoided him, and he really chased after me. Then he just disappeared for 3 months - I've become friendly with his "wingman" who says he was definitely going to ask me out that day, but he saw me with my ex... The girlfriend apparently lives in a town 250 miles away and hes never seen her yet.

I know two people with Aspergers and charismatic is the last word you would use to describe them and there is no way they flirt. I think you are looking for an excuse for his behaviour.

You really need to walk way from this guy for good. He is messing you around and knocking you back. Not the actions for someone interested in a relationship with you. You can do better.

LegacyUser

op he sounds really shy or has intimacy issues. all you can do is aks him if he likes you. if he does you might have to do all the running and chasing. i am the same as him, a girl would nearly need to grab me ddrunk(me not her) before i do anything even then i can pull back

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

He told you he wasn't interested, but you seem to keep going back for more punishment. As you said yourself you haven't even had one date with this guy. In my mind he doesn't owe you anything.

From the sounds of your post he is in another relationship and you are wondering why he is not ending it immediately and running to you.

Guys can downplay their relationships. I have often been in two places about my relationships only to realise later that I really like the person. Like he did introduce this girl to all his friends as his longterm girlfriend.

Eh no, sorry if I have given that impression. I absolutely agree this is going nowhere and my only intention in the future is to avoid or be briefly polite should I be unfortunate enough to bump into him. But no, we have dated several times - we've been to the cinema together, to visit a stately home, swimming together, I've met his parents several times, and then I accepted it was over, got married to someone else and he chased me to get me interested again. We then went on holiday with another couple ie there just 4 of us. He cooked my meals, we went out to restaurants together, he drove me all over the island in the hire car, and I never made any moves because I was married and I don't believe in cheating. We got back, he asked me out then changed his mind, I thought it was because I was married. I realised my feelings for him were too strong to be fair on my husband so separated and am getting divorced.

And all this time he has had a girlfriend that no-one in our city and mutual friends has ever met as she lives somewhere else. He went on holiday with me and two other people he has been friends with for about 7 years too and never once mentioned her existence, although he did manage to talk about things that put women off and how some people thought he was gay but he definitely wasn't!

He was still being flirty until 4 weeks ago, we were at a competition and his mother and sister were talking to me like I was his girlfriend to be or something, and talking about our holiday photos and how we looked like we were having a good time, and then suddenly it was like a switch had been switched off, I sent my text 2 weeks later so that didn't cause it. I'm hoping the guy part of the couple of mutual friends who was on holiday with us hasn't warned him off me or something, but maybe he just feels worried that when he invites his girlfriend to the town where we all live, someone is going to say something.

I have no idea for sure if the girlfriend exists, though I believe so, or whether she is less than a year's duration, or a couple of years, or even all the time I have known him!

All this is very recent, I didn't know what to believe, hence my text basically saying I was single and interested if he was. I feel much better now, because he cannot keep stringing me along with false hope if he hasn't responded to something like that. Probably he just wanted to sew his wild oats before settling down. I wish him well, but won't do so in person. I'm sure in time I'll feel better, especially if I don't see him.

mood

similiaar....... wrote: »

op he sounds really shy or has intimacy issues. all you can do is aks him if he likes you. if he does you might have to do all the running and chasing. i am the same as him, a girl would nearly need to grab me ddrunk(me not her) before i do anything even then i can pull back

But OP has chased him and he turned her down, cancelled a date etc. Surely if he liked he we would not knock her back.

Sorry if I'm being blunt OP but you really need to move on here.

kjl

CassandraTwo wrote: »

Eh no, sorry if I have given that impression. I absolutely agree this is going nowhere and my only intention in the future is to avoid or be briefly polite should I be unfortunate enough to bump into him. But no, we have dated several times - we've been to the cinema together, to visit a stately home, swimming together, I've met his parents several times, and then I accepted it was over, got married to someone else and he chased me to get me interested again. We then went on holiday with another couple ie there just 4 of us. He cooked my meals, we went out to restaurants together, he drove me all over the island in the hire car, and I never made any moves because I was married and I don't believe in cheating. We got back, he asked me out then changed his mind, I thought it was because I was married. I realised my feelings for him were too strong to be fair on my husband so separated and am getting divorced.

And all this time he has had a girlfriend that no-one in our city and mutual friends has ever met as she lives somewhere else. He went on holiday with me and two other people he has been friends with for about 7 years too and never once mentioned her existence, although he did manage to talk about things that put women off and how some people thought he was gay but he definitely wasn't!

He was still being flirty until 4 weeks ago, we were at a competition and his mother and sister were talking to me like I was his girlfriend to be or something, and talking about our holiday photos and how we looked like we were having a good time, and then suddenly it was like a switch had been switched off, I sent my text 2 weeks later so that didn't cause it. I'm hoping the guy part of the couple of mutual friends who was on holiday with us hasn't warned him off me or something, but maybe he just feels worried that when he invites his girlfriend to the town where we all live, someone is going to say something.

I have no idea for sure if the girlfriend exists, though I believe so, or whether she is less than a year's duration, or a couple of years, or even all the time I have known him!

All this is very recent, I didn't know what to believe, hence my text basically saying I was single and interested if he was. I feel much better now, because he cannot keep stringing me along with false hope if he hasn't responded to something like that. Probably he just wanted to sew his wild oats before settling down. I wish him well, but won't do so in person. I'm sure in time I'll feel better, especially if I don't see him.

And with all this time together you have never even kissed? Read the signs, he is not into you. I am sorry but move on. There is not a guy in the world who would turn down someone who he was into, especially if they were charismatic and flirty like you say.

dellas1979

I kinda have to agree. You are making a lot of excuses for him.

You know where you stand, you just havent accepted it yet.

Its hard, very very hard, because if you give up, that maybe it was all for nothing, meaningless. Maybe thats why you persevere. To make it worth something, after all this time. Leave it alone now. 7 years is a long long time to put into this guy, you tried, its time to give up now. Its ok to give up OP.

LegacyUser

Me again OP.

I sympathise so very much. I am late 30s too,no teenager. But hurt is hurt.Its been 7 weeks since I last saw / spoke to the guy I am talking about feels like yesterday and I miss him. I know Ill never see him again. My heart hasnt realised what my brain knows. I can only imagine what several years of this has done to you. Its a thrill or a high when all the attention is on you, and then a real low when you realise its not true and never will be.

Big Bag of Chips

What I'm getting from your posts is that he likes you as a friend, but you like him as much more.

He might be flirty with you, but in his mind you're in the "friend zone". If you have been out on "dates", then surely the opportunity to kiss has come up? Do you hold hands?

Maybe he keeps coming back to you thinking you're now in a place to be friends with him - but then he realises you're not, and reverts back to avoiding you.

He's had 7 years to make a move - you've let him know on numerous occasions that you are interested - he has told you he doesn't want to give you the wrong impression..

Take him at his word.
He does like you - but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. If you can't handle a relationship with him as just your friend, then you need to remove yourself from him.

Mountain biking is a small community though, so you're still going to bump into him.

Edit: It's up to you whether or not you let him know you can't handle being "just friends" with him. But if you do tell him make sure there is no ambiguity. Let him know that you will never be able to be just friends, because your feelings are too strong, and that you'd appreciate if he helped you by not contacting you again in a few months. You're feelings haven't changed in 7 years. Let him know if they do change, you'll be in touch with him!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What I'm getting from your posts is that he likes you as a friend, but you like him as much more.

He might be flirty with you, but in his mind you're in the "friend zone". If you have been out on "dates", then surely the opportunity to kiss has come up? Do you hold hands?

Maybe he keeps coming back to you thinking you're now in a place to be friends with him - but then he realises you're not, and reverts back to avoiding you.

He's had 7 years to make a move - you've left him know on numerous occasions that you are interested - he has told you he doesn't want to give you the wrong impression..

Take him at his word.
He does like you - but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. If you can't handle a relationship with him as just your friend, then you need to remove yourself from him.

I did try to be friends with him when I was married. I invited him to my post-wedding party for friends. He said he would come and then didn't turn up. He didn't turn up and sent me a text saying "I'm sure you and (ex) will have a nice time". He hated my ex to the point of totally blanking him when he bumped into him at races. My ex was convinced there was something going on between us. He'd got very jealous in the past when he'd seen me talking to other men. The jealousy thing makes me think he didn't see me as a friend to start with, maybe he does now. On holiday he kept asking me what type of men I preferred and what would put me off a man. He was like a different person. I think he surprised himself by how much he liked me after spending a week with me and he tried again and it didn't work.

And then theres the staring. He can't stop staring at me when I'm there. Other men back me up on this. I think maybe that's why hes avoiding me again, because its so obvious.

Hes deluded if he thinks women will give him the attention he wants without getting anything in return. He wants me to be like a supportive girlfriend at races, he seems to have another woman for salsa dancing and he says he has this girlfriend in another town he goes hillwalking with. I didn't give him much attention on a night out with friends once, and the next day he turned up outside my car at work when I was getting into it, saw me, and crossed to the other side of the street! Had to be more than coincidence...

I'm actually wary of him because he does seem to use people and be really nice to them and then ignore them for a while until he sees a further use for them. Way back at the beginning, I once gave him a lift to a race and he completely ignored me when we got there, didn't let me know if he needed a lift back and didn't even thank me for it! I think he was using me to get one over on another guy who'd given me a lift to a race the previous week.

God, I'm making him sound awful. He's _very_ good looking and can be the best company in the world when he wants to be, and he sort of makes you feel sympathetic towards him, like hes a lost soul or something. I would be friends with him if he genuinely wanted to be, but he wants the whole attention you would only give to someone in a relationship and that's what he likes about me. We talked about it once and he said "You're different", and admitted to fancying me. Strangely, I would probably be more keen to see him as a friend now if we had actually kissed; men need to make women feel good about themselves if they want to be friends with them...

He did try to kiss me on a couple of occasions in retrospect, but he'd put me off by rejecting me in the past, and I was too shy then - I'd only have felt comfortable kissing him in a date situation, rather than in my room when he'd helped me moved furniture. He did look very upset the time he came back to me last summer and saw me with my ex, but I'd lost hope after not seeing him for 3 months. Its all very unfortunate. He is a difficult person. Hes hacked off so many people by ignoring them in the past. He has a bit of a reputation for it. He admitted to me hes anti-social. I kind of saw through it, because I can be shy myself, but theres only so much you can take. He doesn't appreciate me.

If I could actually see him together with his girlfriend, I would probably get over him quite quick. But I never have.

LegacyUser

Back again.

Please, please, please stop trying to rationalise his behaviour. He probably wasn't working off a plan and even if he could explain every single action to you, what difference could it possibly make? You've been crystal clear to him, and by his actions he's been crystal clear to you.

In your heart of hearts you know you deserve better than this. This relationship needs to be viewed at as an unhealthy addiction which can only be cured by cutting contact.

As I said, I've been on the other side of this (though not to this extent), there is no other solution. You aren't real friends, and from the outside he doesn't look like much of a friend to you (and in time you'll see this more fully).

Attack this problem as you would attack any addiction.

I've been where you are, the highs and lows, the constant doubt, the constant wishing. It's destructive and exhausting. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a real chance at getting over this guy.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - what do you want people to say? What advice are you looking for? Or do you just want to get this off your chest?

Being perfectly honest you're not painting him in a very good light. He sounds like an absolute headwrecker. If you were 17 I'd say something!!

Anyway - other than remove yourself from him, and tell him unless you get together you'd rather not be in contact with him anymore, I don't know what else you can do....

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP - what do you want people to say? What advice are you looking for? Or do you just want to get this off your chest?

Being perfectly honest you're not painting him in a very good light. He sounds like an absolute headwrecker. If you were 17 I'd say something!!

Anyway - other than remove yourself from him, and tell him unless you get together you'd rather not be in contact with him anymore, I don't know what else you can do....

I'm wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this sort of behaviour before! I find it very bizarre, and completely baffling.

You are absolutely right. That's what I have done. I feel so much better having sent that text, like I don't need to try any more, or even see him. If he avoids me instead of telling me hes not interested, then it actually saves me the guilt of telling him I want no contact. I am going to stick to the line that there has to be an attempt at a relationship, and anything else is unacceptable. If he doesn't want that, then he has to lose me from his life. I don't need to say it again, he has got the message now.

LegacyUser

You asked "if anyone else has ever experienced this sort of behaviour before! I find it very bizarre, and completely baffling." (Can't quote as unreg)

The best way to explain this behaviour is that it is irrational. You can not rationalise it because it's unique to him. What motivated me to act as I did act could be very different to what motivates your friendemy. Maybe he's just a user, maybe he loves you but can't properly love because his parents beat him, who knows, and at this point, who cares? You cannot fix him, you cannot change him, and ultimately you know this.

To me, it was like an addiction. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop sticking my oar in. I remember walking down Kildare street after I'd led my "ex-friend" along and having some reaction off her and the low was so intense it reminded me how visceral it is to be alive and to feel such emotions.

I honestly don't know why I did it. She deserved better. If she could get the Gestapo to interrogate me I couldn't give her any answers. There are no answers. Accept this, please.

I suspect you're sorta addicted to the highs and lows too. You being in contact with him/wanting him at this point is irrational. Maybe it makes life interesting, maybe it distracts you from a bigger issue you can't face directly, only you can answer this.

Anyhow, all that should matter to you is the cure. You will never get the answers so just get better.

(In my defence, my ex-friend and myself swapped roles, sometimes I'd chase her and she'd cut contact, sometimes she'd chase me and I'd be aloof. We're tools. I'm still not right but I'm trying like **** to keep out of her life.)

Stavro Mueller

I can see why the therapists suggested you tell him for once and for all how you felt. Your obsession with him and your trying to rationalise his behaviour has to stop. It has already cost you a marriage and god knows how many hours of heartache. I'd not be all that confident about getting a sensible answer out of him though.

Head wrecker is a phrase that gets bandied around a lot in here. In this case I would apply that label to this guy. He doesn't know what he wants I suspect. I bet he has absolutely no idea how much your obsession with him has hampered your life. He is certainly not suffering at all.

False hope is a horrible thing. If you didn't think you were in with a chance with this man you'd be able to get some sort of closure. The truth is that despite all that has gone on between the pair of you, he has never properly gone on a date with you. He might not know what he wants but it isn't you. He likes you but he doesn't like you enough.

Big Bag of Chips

So on occasion he has tried to kiss you and you've rejected him. You would only feel comfortable kissing him in a date situation, rather than at home when he's helped you do something.... You've tried to kiss him (at the encouragement of friends, when rubbing his back?) and he rejected you saying he doesn't want to lead you on.

I think you know yourself, OP, that it all sounds terribly terribly childish!

It really is as if you are 2 unsure teenagers.

After 7 years it's time to accept that this isn't going to be. So do your best to forget it, and move on..

As Beenthatguy says - you can't change him, you can't "fix" him. You can sit around waiting for him to change if you want, but it looks like it would be a waste of time.

It is not normal (adult) behaviour, so no amount rationalising or analysing is going to make it make sense to you. You are not in his head..

rainbowtrout

CassandraTwo wrote: »

I'm wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this sort of behaviour before! I find it very bizarre, and completely baffling.

You are absolutely right. That's what I have done. I feel so much better having sent that text, like I don't need to try any more, or even see him. If he avoids me instead of telling me hes not interested, then it actually saves me the guilt of telling him I want no contact. I am going to stick to the line that there has to be an attempt at a relationship, and anything else is unacceptable. If he doesn't want that, then he has to lose me from his life. I don't need to say it again, he has got the message now.

Why would you feel guilt? You've done nothing wrong, actually he's the one holding all the cards here. Have been in a similar situation, and it comes up regularly on this forum, but in my experience, no he didn't reply back and won't give you a straight answer, but if you meet up again in the future and it suits him to go messing with your head again and you throw "But I told you how I felt" he will reply "But I never said I didn't like you/didn't want a relationship etc" or similar and will make you look like the bad guy when he didn't actually give you an answer at all. In your mind his lack of a response is a no (and quite rightly so), in his mind the lack of response is non-committal at best, realistically it's a no, but it could be a yes in the future if the night in question suited him.

There is never going to be a relationship here. Even while you felt it helped to tell him that you liked him, consider that the end. He didn't respond but he knows he will get a reaction from you if he responds positively to you at some point because you have laid your cards on the table. You don't need to tell him there is to be no contact in the future, or even consider the scenario where there is no contact. Just cut contact in your head once and for all and delete all lines of communication with him.

LegacyUser

Hi again OP,

I think the replies to this thread are an indication that plenty of us have been on the receiving end of behaviour like this so you can take comfort from that if it helps. Its no reflection on you and it is not all that unusual, people are complicated and as Beenthatguy says he can't even really explain why he acted similarly in his situation. People get carried away and you two are more or less in a routine where this behaviour is the norm.

You said that you "hate" the flirting but I really find it hard to believe that! Everything you are saying shows that you are hoping one of us will have the answer and be able to explain all his actions and tell you he really does love you..(and I wish we could). It is obvious you enjoy his attention, most people do enjoy attention from someone they desire, that's only human. You have described him using many positive adjectives; charismatic, good looking, charming.. His attention and staring would no doubt be flattering. You really do have to admit to yourself though that you enjoy it, you keep going back for more when you could be running the other way so it speaks for itself. You are not a victim at his mercy, subject to a cruel onslaught of flirting. You have a choice and you let him treat you in all the ways he does.

And on another note with the flirting I have known plenty of men who do the staring and not much else! Shy? weird? paralysed with fear? just not that bothered? looking for a reaction? It doesn't really matter cos at the end of the day staring is all he is doing.

I think you should tell yourself why you're walking away, make up in your head the reason why nothing even happened if it makes you feel better. Tell yourself hes gay, you are too good for him, hes too much of a mouse to do anything more to you than stare...it doesn't matter,whatever makes you feel better about it. This is the kind of thing friends tell each other when a guy breaks their heart, the whole "you are too good for him" speech! You just need to convince yourself of it and walk away. I don't think you will ever get a straight answer from this man anyway and even if you got an answer I am not sure you would believe it.

Take care,
xx

mood

OP I think it wouldn't go beyond a date/shag at best.

He has made it clear he want no relationship or even casual thing.

Seriously, no guy knocks back a girl he fancier or wants a relationship with. You need to move on.

You will meet someone else but someone who feels the same as you do.

Weathering

I feel sorry for your husband as you only settled for him. Its all me me me. What about your husband. Get over yourself. I only read a few paragraphs it was enough

Taltos

Weathering - Few things, first read the charter. Then the expectation is you will read all of the posts including the first post.
Finally if you cannot post constructive advice or in a civil manner you are asked not to post.

Taltos