Having second thoughts about being best man!!

LegacyUser

I'm best man for my friends wedding in 2 months time and I'm really starting to think it's something I dont want to do. I've been friends with this guy for close to 20 years but lately I just feel like he only wants to look out for himself and not really bothering about me.

I'm going through a real traumatic break-up at the moment which has dragged out for a few months. I hardly ever hear from him he hasn't gone out of his way to cone and see me or try and help me through any of it.

He works a lot which I appreciate but I'm only a 5 minute drive from his work place and 10 from his home yet I find myself chasing him and calling down to him for a chat!

This wedding is a childhood sweetheart kind of one so I tell myself hes never been through a break-up so doesn't understand what I'm going through but am I just making excuses?? I've txt him plenty of times and sometimes wouldn't hear from him for days just yesterday I txt him my new number as I did a few people and still nothing, yet his fiance did txt and ask how I was!

Even the fittings for the suits was dine without me and I'm to go in and get fitted myself!

Hes really tight with money and the stories I could tell would amaze anyone!! One day he told me a type of beer I like was on offer in Tesco I asked him to pick me up some I would pay when I collect, he txt bk on viber saying he was in work now yet he must have forgot to turn off his location because it showed him right bang smack in the middle of he shopping centre.

The stag was a joke I spent so much money even drove 250kms to the airport at 2 in the morning and yet really didn't enjoy it and 3 data with him made me realise what a tight b%*tard he is!!

I just dont know what to do I dont think I've the courage to walk away from it because I'll be made out to be the bad guy and I'll lose more friends! I'm just sick of doing everything and getting nothing bk. I mean my bestman would be someone I'm close to who I'm in contact all the time with and actually do things with. It was actually last Easter the last time me and him had pints together!

Should I talk to him which is hard because I can never get hold of him or should I maybe have a talk with his fiance and tell her how I feel and see if she can whip him into shape? At this moment in time I dont even want to go to this wedding let alone stand up and make a speech!?

woodchuck

Personally I would stick it out until after the wedding. Now that the stag is over there's not much else to do except turn up on the day? And the speech doesn't have to be a big deal... 5-10mins with a couple of funny stories should do the trick. To drop out this close wouldn't look good and you don't want to be pegged as the bad guy in all of this as you've done nothing wrong (but it won't seem that way to everyone else).

It's possible that he's just caught up with his own stuff with the wedding at the moment and might be back to his old self afterwards (and as you said, he's never been through a break up himself). However if he doesn't cop on after the wedding, then would be the time to either confront him or let things fizzle out. Weddings can do strange things to people...

Lisha

A big +1 on what woodchuck said

Be best man even if its only because you dropping out now would paint you in such a bad light .
After the wedding I think you need to look after yourself .
Someone once said to me that stinginess is the worst trait in a person as it impact all of their attitudes in life
They are stingy with money, with time and just everything.
It really sounds like you deserve more op

Be good to yourself and I hope you get over the breakup and find some happiness in your life

LegacyUser

Oh OP I know exactly how you feel.

I was matron of honour for my "best friend". Flew all the way to Spain and everything. I had major doubts in my head before I left, due to similar behaviour from her.

She even had a day out, for her bridesmaids, without inviting me. When it came to the hen, I went but I just didnt bother doing anything else for her. She even just bought the dress I was to wear without me trying it on. Didnt fit. Big hoopla about that also. I was fed up of her at this stage.

Anyways, a few hours before the wedding, I felt like a fake. I literally had a panic attack, telling my BF at the time that I couldnt do it. That she should have someone that she really wanted for her special moment. But it was too late, so I literally switched off, sucked it up for face, photos etc. I figured in that moment of panic, that if she hadnt wanted me, for whatever her reason was to have me in the first place, she was the one going to tell me. There was noway I was going to look like the bad guy. Safe to say, we are no longer friends. Her selfishness just continued year after year, and it was actually in January past I cut contact with her (after she excluded me again from another thing). And am better off not having people like that in my life. Its too uncaring. And it hurts, when they are supposed to be your friend.

I honestly dont know why some people ask people to be their best man/woman, and behave like that towards them. But suck it up. Just do it for your own sake.

LegacyUser

op i hear ya. some people go through a weird transformation round the time of weddings, going from seemingly normal to crazy bride/groomzilla and get so caught up in the wedding they forget the people around them. having said that, this guy sounds like he's always kind of a flake though. and this isn't meant to be insulting to you op, but maybe he doesn't HAVE anyone else? who would step in if you bowed out?

i stood down from a similar position for a friend, and even though i look back on it now and am glad i did, at the time it was ugly as hell. they literally had no idea how badly they were behaving and had no interest in any thing or any one apart from the wedding. i was portrayed as the devil in the whole saga, even though the only thing i did was stand up for myself. so if you do step down as best man be prepared for the backlash. i wouldn't say anything to his fiancee though, his behaviour isn't really her responsibility to police.

and sorry about the break up by the way, break ups are crapy enough to have to deal with without all this other stress.

trio

You will be 1000% the bad guy if you quit. No way can you do it. Everyone will just end up feeling sorry for him!

But I will say this: he works a lot, and is getting married in 8 weeks - listen, the guy is up to his eyes. I barely saw any of my friends in the run up to the wedding, it was honestly like having a second job. And even when you've the "big things" done, it turns out there's a whole ton of little bitty things that wreck your head almost up to the day.

So perhaps this is not the best time to be judging his attentiveness.

To be honest I think you're expecting too much of him. He hasn't actually wronged you, he's just not being what you want him to be. As for pulling his fiancee aside under the assumption she'll sympathise with you and then mould him into the friend you want, that's ridiculous (and I'd be surprised if both she and your friend wouldn't be hugely insulted at that too).

The wedding is in 2 months time. You've committed to being the best man so you should see it through. If you can't do it, then don't, but you better make a decision ASAP.

LegacyUser

I would stay as best man for this wedding. If you drop out 2 months before this you will end up looking very bad with him, his family and the rest of the wedding crowd.
Over the past few months you have seen a side to him that you don't like in the fact that he has not been there for you. You have also spent a lot of money with the stag ect and you have coped on that he is a tight ba*****.

Some people don't know how to treat there friends. Some people are mean with money and some are mean with there time but when they are mean with both it is hard to take.
I was in this situation a few years ago with someone I know. After they got married I was not in contact with them as much due a few reasons so I know how you feel.

I am sorry that you are going through a bad brake up which is not easy for anyone.

Once the wedding is over and he comes back from honeymoon I would give him a call and ask him for a drink so you can catch up. If treats you badly after this I would just stop contacting him.

CaraMay

What are you going up talk to him about? Being tight and not paying you enough attention. What does it matter if he never had a bad break up? Lucky him as 99% of the planet have and I'm sure most people don't wish it on their friend!

You sound like a serious drama queen tbh. You agreed to do it and chose to spend the money on the stag yourself so stand by your decision And don't make his life harder by pulling out now.

Koptain Liverpool

CaraMay wrote: »

You sound like a serious drama queen tbh. You agreed to do it and chose to spend the money on the stag yourself so stand by your decision And don't make his life harder by pulling out now.

Ah cop on would you - did you even read his original post??

His so called best mate hasn't met up with him for pints in one year (since last Easter).That is not normal. He didn't even bother to invite to him to the suit fitting. I've never heard of a best man not attending the suit fitting. His 'friend' never bothers to contact hime, meet up with him etc etc Drama queen?? Nonsense!

The OP is only complaining about spending a fortune on the stag because the groom is a bad friend and an inconsiderate guy. If he was actually a good friend I'm sure the OP would have been more than happy spending lots on him for the stage.
I was my mates best man and was intimately involved in lots of things before the wedding and really made to feel part of it. That is the normal way OP.

My advice is to go ahead and do it now up just to avoid you looking like the bad guy not because you have to stand by your decision or some other nonsense.

Koptain Liverpool

true-or-false wrote: »

To be honest I think you're expecting too much of him. .

Nonsense. If a 'friend' of mine hadn't bothered to meet up with me for pints in over a year despite living 10 minutes down the road he wouldn't be my friend. It sounds to me like the OP is expecting the bare minimum as opposed to too much.

CaraMay

He is talking about contacting his friends fiancée to get her to 'whip him into shape' ie pay him attention 2 months before her wedding. That is drama queen territory. Op it seems that because you are miserable you want him to be too.

Actually op given the fact you resent and dislike him so much then you are better off pulling out but font leave it any longer - do it now and don't involve his fiancée.

Koptain Liverpool

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

It sounds to me like the OP is expecting the bare minimum as opposed to too much.

I wrote my other post with the intention of being a bit sensitive, but you've hit a nerve for me so I'll be blunt. He's getting married. Weddings can be a huge strain, particularly on time and money, and the OP said the friend works a lot. And what does the OP want from his friend? Time and money. The two things his friend does not have right now. He's agreed to be the best man, that means supporting the groom, but instead he's playing a victim card over having had a break up a few months ago, and complaining that his friend hasn't "gone out of his way" to make him feel better. I've had heartbreaking break-ups and never expected other people to nurse me over it, and similarly I've never fawned over someone else just because they had a break up. Everyone has problems, especially this friend, and the OP needs to realise that a few months after a break up people assume you're either dealing with it, or it's already dealt with.

If this was the other way around, and the friend was writing here about the OP, I think I'd be more sympathetic. Sorry OP.

Koptain Liverpool

true-or-false wrote: »

Weddings can be a huge strain, particularly on time and money, and the OP said the friend works a lot. And what does the OP want from his friend? Time and money.

More nonsense. Yes weddings are a big strain for the bride and groom but the groom has not met up with the OP for one year - get it?? - one year. That's not friendship in my books when you live down the road. Maybe it is to you.

The OP doesn't want much time from the OP. It sounds like he'd have been happy with the odd pint over the past year. And he doesn't want money from him
He simply said that he resented spending through the nose for a stag party for someone who has been a poor or non-existent friend.

If you're a bloody best man you expect to be a bit involved in the run up to the wedding even if it is only to get the suit fitted, chat about what's required etc
But I guess in your busy world the best man just shows up on the day and gives a great speech about his best mate whom he hasn't seen for the past year

CaraMay

The op needs to figure out why this person doesn't want to be in his company anymore.

Bottom line is the groom should not be having him as his best man and the op should not be doing it. They are not friends.

Last time I checked, stag parties were optional.

LegacyUser

OP here. Cheers for the replies. As for the comment about being a drama queen...........really?? I'm not looking for the guy to give all of his time to me or nurse me through anything. All i was looking for is maybe a text or call to even acknowledge the situation that i was in. I know if it was the other way round id be in regular contact with him to make sure he was doing alright and organize a night out or something. I've got a friend with 3 kids 2 jobs that keeps in regular contact with me so it isn't that hard!

At this stage i suppose it is too late to pull out and ill go through with it, it was never my intention to cause anyone stress especially this close to the wedding. I do appreciate that with the wedding stress levels and time can be precious to get everything done and sorted. I made allowances for that. But long before the wedding was even being planned he was pretty much the same but i suppose he met up with me a little more.

As far as his stinginess goes it effected me during the stag as i ended up paying for a few things for him as is to be expected on a stag but it crossed a line at a few stages with the excuse i forgot to go to the ATM being heard too often! And now he told me that since I'm now single I don't get a plus one for the wedding.

Maybe it is the stress of the wedding and all that but as was mentioned i'll see how he is after the wedding but i'd see it as a continuing trend!

December2012

There's always three sides to a story, yours his with the truth usually in the middle.

Here's a few observations I have OP.

You and your friend are going through different experiences - the complete opposite of each other.

He's getting married and you've broken up.

You cannot empathise with each other because neither of you know what it's like to go through the other experience.

It can be a stressful time in the run up to getting married - usually from outside sources, financial demands, jobs to be ticked off lists, as well as emotional reasons.

You say you haven't been out for drinks since last year - but that's not true unless the stag was last year? If your breakup was only in the last few months, why hadn't you been for drinks before that?

What was the reason he went ahead without you for the suits? Were you interested and available?

Have you asked to be involved? He needs your support too.

Ask yourself these questions
- in all honesty can you be happy about your friend getting married when you're devastated over a break up?
- any bitterness / jealousy there?
- are you directing your sadness about your break up at him?
- what could he do to take your pain away?

Koptain Liverpool

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Maybe it is the stress of the wedding and all that but as was mentioned i'll see how he is after the wedding but i'd see it as a continuing trend!

Fair play to you OP, you sound like a decent bloke and if your mate continues to put as little effort into your friendship after the wedding I'd start to focus more on other friends.

Ignore all the silly replies to your thread suggesting that the poor groom must be so stressed yada yada :rolleyes::rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

Fair play to you OP, you sound like a decent bloke and if your mate continues to put as little effort into your friendship after the wedding I'd start to focus more on other friends.

Ignore all the silly replies to your thread suggesting that the poor groom must be so stressed yada yada :rolleyes::rolleyes:

i agree 100%

I had a mate more or less disappear when he moved in with his missus - even though they only lived 15 mins up the road.

Asked me to be best man and I agreed.

Made a huge effort with stag /speech - I wrote the speech 100's of times and practiced for days on end in front of the mirror - and general wedding stuff although it didn't sit right cos he never seemed to make an effort .

Nonetheless I didn't really want to be best man cos of his disappearing acts - but i went through with it cos he was an old mate.

a few years later despite living quite close he makes very little effort and I kinda regret all the effort I made.

OP do what you feel is right - you owe nobody but yourself.

Forget the drama queen comments - those people are wrong

Tayla

I think some people are being a bit harsh towards the OP.

Someone going through a bad break up needs more support than someone getting married, getting married isn't a get out of jail free card to be inconsiderate and self absorbed.

Someone said earlier that you agreed to do it so you should do it to avoid making his life any harder....the guy is getting married, he's not dying, maybe this is making the OP's life harder as he is trying to deal with a break up, surely he doesn't need 'friends' that make him feel used.

December2012

I wonder how much honest communication there is. Nobody can be expected to be a mind reader.

And I've rarely found that personalities change of those that I've been friends with for a long time. So if something is amiss, I would ask the friend why are they not asking me about a problem they know I'm having, and I'd ask them if they are having a problem I don't know about.

I wouldn't just write them off.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Hello OP,

I was in a somewhat similar predicament to yourself a few weeks ago, someone I used to work with asked me to be their best man in January for a wedding to take place in March! Agreed but after a few weeks I felt I had been bounced into it, I didn't really know the guy that long and thought I had only been asked because he didn't have anyone else to step up for him. Thankfully he didn't want a stag but there was still fittings to attend and a speech to write. I just got on with it though and it turned out to be a great day, speech was well received and had a good laugh there.

I know you might be going through a tough time with the breakup and feeling frustrated in general but as another poster pointed out most of the hard work is done now, you may as well just be there for your friend and have a laugh on the day, you'll be the centre of attention for a few minutes at least, who knows who you might meet? Overall it will be a good experience for you. If you feel your friend still isn't giving you enough attention after the wedding you can deal with that then.